• 


PATIENCE  PETTIGREWS 

'ERPLEX1TIES 


ing  a  Veracious  History  of  the  Experiences 
of  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the  late 
lamented  Josiah  Pettigrew,  Esq., 
Etc.,    Etc. 


By  CLARA  AUGUSTA, 

Author  of  "  The  Rugg  Documents"  Etc.,    Etc. 


NEW   YORK  : 

J.  S.  OGILVIE,  PUBLISHER, 
57  Rose  Street. 


'  BUT  THIS  IS  A  MEDICINE  WARRANTED  TO  MAKE  YOUR  TEETH  WHITE, 
YOUR  CHEEKS  BED,  YOUJJ  HAIR,  CURL,  EIG.' " 


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CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 
I  MARRY  JOSIAH  PETTIGREW,  7 

CHAPTER  II. 
ODUCING  THE  "  CLEAN  SWEEP,"    -  -      15 

CHAPTER  III. 
.AILROAD  ACCIDENT,  23 

CHAPTER  IV. 
A  TRIP  TO  THE  WHITE  MOUNTAINS,       -  31 

CHAPTER  V. 
THE  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON,  39 

CHAPTER  VI. 
REV.  GALUSHER  MUGGLES,  -     45 

CHAPTER  VII. 
THE  TALL,  SPARE  WOMAN,    -  51 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
THE  TWIN  MOUNTAIN  HOUSE,      -  -     57 

CHAPTER  IX. 
AUNT  PRISCILLT,  -  63 

CHAPTER  X. 
THE  ELOPEMENT,     -  69 

CHAPTER  XI. 

SQUIRE  PILKINS,  •  75 


2312451 


g  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XII. 
ALMIRY  JANE  SPLICER, 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

Ax  INFARNAL  MACHINE, 

CHAPTER  XIV. 

93 
A  TRIP  TO  BOSTON, 

CHAPTER  XV. 

GO 

COUSIN  TOM  SMITH,      - 

CHAPTER  XVI. 

.     105 
JANE  MARIER, 

CHAPTER  XVII. 
THE  LOST  PUMPKIN, 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

117 
THE  MIDNIGHT  FIRE, 

CHAPTER  XIX. 

4QQ 

THE  WRONG  SCUTTLE, 

CHAPTER  XX. 
PATIENCE  GOES  INTO  BUSINESS, 

CHAPTER  XXI. 
OLD-FELLER  AND  DESDY-MONEY,     - 

CHAPTER  XXII. 
PATIKNCK  MEETS  WITH  A  CATASTROPHY, 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 

145 
Tin?  SKA-SARPINT, 

CHAPTER   XXIV. 
RKSCUKD  AND  MARRIED,    - 


Patience  Pettigrew's  Perplexities. 

CHAPTEE   I. 

I    MARRY    JOSIAH     PETTIGREW. 


EZ  SUSAN  to  me  'tother  day,  as  we  was  set- 
ting picking  over  dandelion  greens,  which  I 
eats  for  my  liver,  and  to  regulate  my  gastruck 
juice — and  I  must  say  that  dandelions  beats  everything 
in  that  line  that  I  ever  seed  or  heerd  tell  of;  and  you 
want  to  dig  'em  up,  root  and  branch,  with  a  dull  case 
knife,  and  bile  'em  in  a  little  water,  so  that  they  will  be 
black  when  they're  done,  and  as  bitter  as  gall  and  worm- 
wood mashed  together,  which  bitterness  is  the  beauty  of 
'em,  and  it's  a  blessing  to  be  able  to  take  medicine  and 
vittles  all  at  once  with  a  sousing  of  vinegar  and  pepper 
to  make  it  go  down  easy.  Sez  Susan  to  me: 

"  Ma,  why  don't  you  write?" 

"Who  to?"  sez  I,  took  all  aback,  and  trying  to  think 
if  I  owed  anybody  a  letter  which  I  never  writes  to  no- 
body but  your  Uncle  Obed,  and  he  is  in  Ostraly  raising 
sheep  for  a  living. 

"  Oh,  for  nobody  in  particular,"  sez  she;  "  I  mean 
write  for  the  papers,  as  a  good  many  other  folks  do. 
Write  things  and  have  'em  printed." 


8  PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

" Good  gracious  land,  Susan \"  sez  I;  "you  must  be 
out  of  yer  head!  I  hain't  got  no  eddication  worth  men- 
tioning, and  at  the  spelling  school  over  to  the  Ridge  the 
other  night  I  got  spelled  down  on  the  word  ruester,  a 
male  hen,  and  I  hain't  so  sure  as  I  can  spell  it  now, 
though  I  know  one  when  I  see  him." 

"  Eddication  hain't  required  to  make  one  a  literary 
person/'  sez  Susan,  jest  as  if  she  understood  all  about 
it.  "All  you  want  to  do  is  to  write  just  as  you  talk,  for 
you  know,  ma,  you  are  a  dreadful  glib  talker.  Aunt 
Giles  sez  that  your  tongue  is  hung  in  the  middle,  and 
runs  at  both  ends.  And  that's  jest  what  a  writer  ought 
to  be." 

"Oh,  shaw!"  sez  I,  "how  you  do  flatter  a  person, 
Susan  Pettigrew!" 

"  Why,  ma,"  sez  she,  "  I'm  sartin  you  could  beat  all 
creation,  and  Novy  Schoshy  hove  in." 

"Wall,"  sez  I,  "I  used  to  be  pritty  considerable  peart 
when  I  was  younger,  though  I  hain't  so  old  now  as  a 
good  many  people  I  could  menshun;  and  though  per- 
haps it  don't  look  well  for  me  to  say  it  myself,  I  was 
allers  considered  a  good-looking  woman,  especially  after 
I  lost  my  front  teeth,  which  was  rather  longish,  and 
got  my  'tothers,  which  was  somewhat  more  shortish. 
And  sence  yer  poor  father  left  this  vail  of  sin  and  sor- 
rer,  Susan,  I  have  noticed  that  the  men  sect  as  hain't 
wives  has  been  as  perlite  to  me  as  a  baskit  of  chips;  and 
Deacon  Foxglove — though,  to  be  shure,  his  wife  was 
only  berried  three  weeks  ago  last  Monday,  and  was  as 
natral  a  looking  corpse  as  ever  I  seed,  and  had  a  butiful 


/  MARR  Y  JO  SI  AH  PETTIGRE  W.  9 

coffin — he  found  the  place  for  me  in  the  Sam  book  last 
Sunday,  and  looked  so  sweet  and  good-natured  when  he 
passed  it  over  the  pew  railing.  And  when  he  jined  in 
singing  these  lines: 

"  '  Oh,  give  me  tears  for  others'  woes, 
And  Patience  for  my  own ! ' 

he  looked  rite  at  me,  as  much  as  to  say  I  was  the  Pa- 
tience he  meant." 

"Deacon  Foxglove  is  a  nice  man,"  sez  Susan;  "but 
he  has  got  a  wart  on  the  side  of  his  face/' 

"  So  has  Ginral  Grant,"  sez  I,  "  if  one  may  judge  by 
his  picters,  and  I've  often  thought  that  if  I  was  him  I'd 
buy  a  stick  of  looner  carstick  and  take  that  wart  off." 

"And  so  might  Deacon  Foxglove,"  sez  Susan. 

"To  be  shore!"  sez  I;  "but  the  deacon  is  a  pious 
man,  and  might  not  think  it  right  to  alter  anything  the 
Lord  has  made.  He  wouldn't  kill  the  caterpillows  onto 
his  trees  last  summer,  because  the  Lord  made  'em,  you 
know.  The  deacon  is  a  good  man,  though,  to  be  shore, 
I  wouldn't  marry  the  best  man  in  the  world,  unless  I 
should  be  in j used  to  change  my  mind,  which  Heaven 
forbid!  But  a  woman  ort  to  do  her  duty  through  thick 
and  thin,  and  the  deacon's  wristbands,  I  noticed  Sun- 
day, was  fraggled  awfully.  A  single  woman  can  get 
along  comfortable,  but  a  single  man's  at  the  marsies  of 
the  world;  and  I'm  shore  the  sight  of  one  allers  makes 
my  eyes  water,  and  my  ^mouth,  too — I  pity  the  poor 
critter  so!" 

"  Ma,"  sez  Susan,  "  you  was  allers  a  sympathetic 
woman !" 


10        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W"S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  I've  got  a  feeling  heart  in  such  cases,"  sez  I. 

Here  the  pork  that  was  Ming  to  season  them  dande- 
lions needed  to  be  seen  to,  and  Susan  and  I  sed  no  more. 

Ever  since  I've  been  thinking  it  over,  and  I've  con- 
cluded that  there  is  a  good  many  things  I  might  say, 
and  Susan  has  got  some  eddication,  and  could  help  me 
put  in  the  commers,  and  simmy  colens,  and  the  dashes 
and  explateratioii  pints,  I  'spose. 

Anyways,  she's  what  they  call  eccomplished,  and  can 
play  on  the  acorjeum,  and  work  yeller  cats  on  pep- 
porated  paper,  and  do  sums  like — "  what  will  you  pay 
for  thirty-five  yards  of  calico  at  ten  cents  a  yard,  when 
you  git  trusted  for  it." 

I  don't  brag  much  on  Susan,  but  she's  rather  a  smart- 
ish girl.  Her  father  was  a  Pettigrew;^!  was  a  Higgins. 

Josiah  Pettigrew  was  a  very  likely  young  feller  when 
I  married  him.  Dear  me!  how  well  I  remember  the  first 
time  I  ever  seed  'Siah ! 

I  was  at  a  husking  at  Jim  Small's,  and  Small's  son, 
Joe,  was  jest  a  kissing  me,  with  a  "  red  ear  of  corn  "  in 
his  hand,  when  in  came  'Siah  Pettigrew,  as  was  a  visit- 
ing Capen  Leighton's  folks.  He  was  right  from  Ding- 
boro,  and  had  on  store  clothes,  and  ile  on  his  hair,  and 
a  ring  on  his  little  finger,  and  scent  on  his  handkercher, 
and  taken  altogether  he  was  stunding! 

Joe  Small  had  just  got  me  cornered  in  the  sheep's  pen, 
for  the  husking  was  in  the  barn,  and  was  jest  a  rubbing 
that  red  beard  of  hisu  over  my  face,  when  along  rushed 
'Siah  Pettigrew,  and  stuck  in  his  oar,  and  sez  he:  ' '  Hold 
on  there,  Jim!  Give  me  a  chance!"  And  he  made  a 


IS!        PA  TIENCE  PE TTIGRE IV' S  PERPLEXITIES. 

dive  for  me,  and  I  ducked  my  head,  and  got  out  under 
his  arm,  and  started  to  run,  and  as  I  went  I  warn't 
pertickaler  where  I  went,  and  I  brung  up  in  the  "tie 
up,"  and  'Siah  after  me,  and  the  minit  he  caught  me  he 
kissed  me,  and  that  was  the  way  our  courtship  begun! 

Three  months  after  we  was  married,  and  'Siah  made 
me  a  good  husband,  though  he  would  drink  too  much 
occasionally,  peace  to  his  ashes! 

He  used  to  visit  Jibson's  grocery  after  tea  and  sugar 
nights,  and  come  home  about  ten  or  eleven  o'clock  in 
such  a  speritooal  condition  that  he'd  go  to  bed  with  his 
boots  on  the  pillers,  if  he  warn't  seen  to.  It  did  seem  as 
if  he  didn't  know  his  feet  end  from  his  head  end. 

I  tried  all  sorts  of  experfments  onto  him,  even  to  soak- 
ing live  toads  in  his  likker,  and  sewing  him  up  in  a  bed- 
tick,  but  nothing  seemed  to  do  any  good;  and  at  last  I 
thought  of  one  more  thing. 

He  was  a  dreadful  superstitious  man,  and  believed  in 
ghosts  and  witches  by  the  wholesale.  I  don't  suppose  he 
would  have  gone  up  garret  alone  after  dark  for  the  world, 
but  he  would  go  to  Jibson's  after  rum. 

I  rigged  out  a  suit,  and  fixed  myself  up  to  skeer  him. 
I  put  a  yeller  flannil  petticoat  over  my  head,  and  tied  a 
sheet  round  my  neck,  and  stuck  a  table-cloth  onto  a  bean 
pole,  and  laid  in  wait  for  him  one  dark  night,  rite  under 
the  wall  of  the  old  graveyard  on  the  Bay  road. 

Bime  by  he  cum  wriggling  along,  switching  the  bushes 
with  a  long  stick,  and  singing: 

"  We  won't  go  home  till  morning 
Till  daylight  doth  appear."  . 


I  MARR  Y  JO  SI  AH  PE  TTIGRE IV.  13 

And  at  the  end  of  about  every  line  he'd  roll  to  one 
side,  and  lose  his  balance,  and  over  he'd  go;  and  after 
laying  still  a  minnit,  he'd  pick  hisself  up,  and  feel  of  his 
head,  and  remark: 

~"  "What  a  clap  that  was !  Dreadful  thunder  this  sum — 
sum — summer !  Ain'  exact — act — ly  safe  for  a  f el — f el — 
feller  to  be  out!  Gits  struck  so  often." 

When  he  got  rite  aginst  the  graveyard,  I  jumped 
over  the  wall,  and  as  I  did  so,  that  sheet  ketched  in  the 
stones  and  brought  down  almost  a  rod  of  the  wall  with 
a  rattle  enuff  to  wake  the  dead;  and  at  the  same  instance, 
two  other  figgers  sprung  out  from  the  shadder  of  the 
wall,  and  all  of  us  made  for  the  middle  of  the  road — and 
rite  at  Josiah. 

I  hain't  much  of  a  believer  in  ghosts,  but  I'll  confess 
my  hair  stood  up  as  them  figgers  rushed  out  from  among 
the  graves.  Old  Xancy  Blinks  is  berried  in  that  grave- 
yard, and  she  and  I  used  to  be  at  swords'  p'ints,  and  I 
scalded  her  dog  once,  and  the  fust  thing  I  thought  of 
was  that  the  old  lady  had  cum  back  to  settle  with  me 
about  that  dog. 

I  sot  out  on  the  dead  run,  and  so  did  'Siah,  and  so  did 
both  them  figgers,  all  of  us  trying  to  git  away  from  the 
tothers.  The  fust  house  I  cum  to  was  Sam  Simons', 
and  the  fust  bilding  was  Sam's  hen  coop,  and  I  dashed 
right  in  among  the  biddies,  and  out  cum  Sam's  son, 
Dick,  who  is  a  dime-novel  reader,  and  sports  a  revolver, 
and  he  fired  five  shots  into  the  coop,  and  killed  two 
roosters  and  a  pullet;  and  then  as  I  rushed  out  and  he 
seed  that  white  sheet,  and  that  yaller  petticoat,  his  heart 


14        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

failed  him,  and  he  j'amped  into  the  well  in  search  of  tho 
truth,  I  s'pose,  sense  they  say  that  truth  is  only  found 
at  the  bottom  of  a  well. 

Sam  Simons  come  out  in  his  night-gound,  and  upsot 
me  with  a  blow  from  a  hoc-handle;  and  then  the  cat 
was  out  of  the  bag.  But  Sam  was  a  temperance  man, 
and  when  I  had  told  him  the  story  he  agreed  to  keep 
mum;  and  he  and  I  fished  Dick  out  of  the  well,  and  no 
bones  broken. 

The  other  two  ghosts,  as  we  found  out  afterward,  was 
Peleg  Sleeper  and  Ellen  Marier  Knight,  who  was  a 
courting,  and  old  Knight  warn't  agreed,  and  they  had 
to  meet  when  and  where  they  could. 

The  next  morning  I  found  'Siah  in  the  haystack  with 
nothing  sticking  out  but  his  feet — there  warn'fc  hay 
enuff  to  cover  them. 

He  never  went  out  by  night  afterward,  and  he  died  a 
year  or  so  after,  aged  fifty-six,  and  respected  by  all  who 
knew  him.  "  Resurgegum!"  that's  on  the  tombstone, 
which  cost  seventy-five  dollars,  all  sot. 


CHAPTER  II. 

INTRODUCING   THE    "CLEAN    SWEEP/ 


HEX  Josiah  died,  and  went  down  to  the 
grave,  "beloved  and  lamented,"  and  left  me 
a  lone  widder,  he  left  me  with  three  pledges 
of  our  love — otherwise  known  as  children — two  gals  and 
a  boy — or  was  it  two  boys  and  a  gal  ?  Yes,  I  think  it 
was.  Cesar  Augustus — that  was  the  oldest,  and  we 
called  him  Seeze  for  short — and  Susan  Elizabeth  Sarah, 
the  next  oldest,  and  Thomas  Didemus  Xerxes,  the  last. 

I  beg  here  to  state  that  their  father  named  'em  all.  I 
had  nothing  to  do  with  it.  Josiah  was  a  very  high- 
falutin  man  on  some  pints.  My  darter  is  a  very  sober- 
minded  and  well-disposed  young  woman,  but  them  boys 
is  as  full  of  mischief  as  a  caterpillow's  nest  is  of  eater- 
pillows,  and  they'd  jest  as  soon  play  their  jokes  off  onto 
their  grandmarm,  or  the  governor,  as  on  anybody  else. 
I've  done  my  best  for  'em,  and  bought  'em  a  Bible  apiece, 
with  a  red  kiver,  and  sent  'em  to  Sunday  school,  and 
spanked  'em  faithfully;  but  it  don't  seem  to  do  much 
good.  Howsomever,  I  hope  time  will  do  the  job  for  'em 
afore  they  are  seventy -five,  and  take  down  their  spents  a 
peg  or  tw'oT^ 

My  father  was  a  doctor — Dr.  fliggins,  of  Coldspring. 
He  was  an  Injun  doctor,  though  he  was  jest  as  white  as 
ydu  or  I;  but  he  doctored  Injun  fashion,  with  roots  and 


1  (J        PA  TIENCE  PR  T1 IGRE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

\ 

yarbs.  When  he  died  he  left  his  bottles,  and  resates, 
and  things  to  me. 

He  had  allers  mannerfactored  a  medicine  that  beat 
anything  I  ever  cum  acrost,  in  its  particular  line  of  biz- 
ness.  It  was  called  the  <f  Purgative  Clean  Sweep,"  and 
the  name  was  well  deserved.  If  you've  never  took  any 
of  it,  you're  neglecting  a  sollum  duty;  and  if  you  go  on 
in  that  way,  the  next  thing  you  know  you'll  find  your- 
self in  an  untimely  grave. 

The  Clean  Sweep  will  do  wonders  for  you.  It'll  cleanse 
your  cistern  from  all  humors,  make  your  skin  pure,  and 
take  off  freckles,  and  curl  your  hair,  and  change  the  yel- 
lowest old  grinders  to  pearls,  and  make  a  broken-down, 
low-spirited  woman  feel  like  a  new  man.  Only  one 
dollar  a  bottle,  and  warranted  to  make  a  clean  sweep,  or 
the  money  refunded. 

When  Josiah  died,  you  may  well  believe  I  was  lone- 
some and  forlorn.  A  woman  misses  a  husband  terribly 
after  she  gets  used  to  him.  There's  nobody  to  look  for 
at  night,  and  no  old  pants  to  mend,  and  no  dirty  shirts 
to  pick  up,  and  nobody  she  can  wake  up  about  midnight 
and  send  out  in  the  cold  to  see  if  the  clothes-line  hain't 
broke  and  let  the  piller-cases  and  towels  and  things  down 
into  the  mud;  and  wust  of  all,  there's  nobody  to  spit  her 
spite  out  onto  when  she  gets  provoked  about  anything, 
and  feels  as  if  she  must  talk  or  bust. 

After  Josiah's  tombstone  was  up,  and  I'd  planted  some 
rose  bushes,  arbor  vities,  and  locuss  trees  round  'em,  and 
had  got  my  mourning  things  made  up,  with  crape  half  a 
yard  deep  round  the  bottoms  of  the  gounds,  and  a  dread- 


INTRODUCING  THE  "  CLEAN  SWEEP."  17 

ful  job  it  was  to  get  the  dust  out  of  it;  and  I'd  advise  all 
of  my  friends  as  is  liable  to  have  to  wear  mourning,  to 
mourn  in  something  that  hain't  got  no  crape  on  it,  if 
they  think  they  can  possibly  stand  it,  for  crape  is  one  of 
the  chief  trials  of  being  in  mourning;  and  as  I  said, 
after  I'd  got  my  mourning  done,  there  didn't  seem  to  be 
nothing  left  for  me  to  do. 

It  was  November  when  I'd  got  through  with  my  fixing, 
and  Aunt  Priscilla  Sharp  was  a  staying  at  our  'us. 
Priscilla  is  a  spinster,  and  has  allers  been  on  the  lookout 
for  a  man,  but  there  don't  seem  to  have  been  no  pervision 
made  for  her  in  that  line.  Something  was  out  of  jint  in 
creation,  I  ixpect.  She  thinks  so,  and  it's  a  consolation 
to  her  to  lay  the  blame  of  her  being  an  old  maid  onto 
Providence. 

Priscilla  is  a  dreadful  woman  to  make  visits;  she'll  stay 
a  year  in  a  place,  and  seem  to  think  it's  a  kindness  to 
them  as  she's  a  living  onto. 

I'd  got  an  idee  into  my  head  that  I'd  travel  and  peddle 
the  Clean  Sweep,  and  let  Priscilla  and  Susan  navigate  to 
home,  and  I  told  'em  so. 

They  was  both  dreadful  shocked,  and  they  talked  to 
me  like  a  father  to  a  child,  and  told  me  I  was  onsecting 
myself,  and  making  myself  reedeckulous  ginerally.  I 
told  'em  to  hold  on  rite  where  they  was,  and  not  set  up 
nights  to  lament  over  me.  I  told  'em  I  didn't  calkerlate 
to  onsect  myself,  nor  dissect  myself,  and  that  I  was  a 
gwine  to  take  it  easy  and  larn  to  peddle.  I  told  'em  I 
had  looked  at  it  in  a  morril  pint  of  view,  and  I  felt  that 
it  was  a  duty  I  owed  to  the  American  people,  to  iiitro- 


18        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W" S  PERPLEXITIES. 

duce  the  Clean  Sweep  to  their  notice,  and  I  told  'em  that 
if  I  could  prevent  a  single  old  man  or  woman  from  going 
down  to,  the  grave  in  sorrow,  and  gray  hairs,  and 
stomach  ache,  I  should  feel  myself  well  repaid  for  my 
efforts;  especially  if  I  got  a  dollar  a  bottle  for  what  cost 
me  from  twenty  cents  to  a  quarter  of  a  dollar! 

We  had  a  pony  to  our  'us — a  white  critter,  and  as  full 
of  camfire  as  ever  you  seed  anything  that  stood  on  four 
legs.  His  name  was  Abraham — called  Abe,  for  short. 

Seeze  he  is  handy  with  tools,  and  he  made  a  box  and 
painted  it  green  to  put  the  Clean  Sweep  into,  and  it  had 
the  name  and  vartues  of  the  medicine  painted  onto  it  in 
gold  letters,  and  was  fitted  into  our  old  markit  waggin, 
Avhich  Josiah  used  to  kerry  butter  to  the  Corner  in. 

I  conclewded  that  it  would  look  more  bizness  like  and 
respectabeler  to  have  a  pardner  along,  so  I  took  Seeze 
into  the  consarn  for  the  Co.,  and  to  navigate  the  pony, 
which  had  a  habit  of  gitting  discurraged  and  stopping 
whenever  the  fit  took  him,  which  was  jest  as  likely  to  bo 
in  front  of  a  lokermotive  ingine  as  anywhere.  Seeze  sed 
it  wouldn't  be  110  use,  in  case  he  should  stop  on  the  rail- 
road track,  to  try  to  pull  him  off;  but  I  told  him  he  could 
pull  at  his  head  and  I  at  his  tail,  or  vicy  versy,  and  I 
guessed  we  could  manage  to  pull  him  in  two,  so  that  the 
ingine  could  squeeze  through  between  the  pieces! 

I  had  some  handbills  printed  to  strow  round  over  the 
country,  telling  the  community  at  large,  and  other  folks 
in  ginral,  about  the  vartues  and  graces  of  the  Clean 
Sweep.  I  told  'em  it  would  make  the  homeliest  face  in 
the  world  bewtiful  as  a  picter,  and  you  all  know  that  if 


INTRODUCING  THE  "  CLEAN  SWEEP."  10 

there  is  one  thing  that  everybody  wants  it  is  to  become 
bewtifuller  than  they  was. 

Seeze  was  delighted  to  go  with  me,  for  he  was  in 
hopes  he  should  come  acrost  some  new  gals,  he  sed. 
He's  a  dreadful  boy  after  the  gals,  and  can't  be  easy  un- 
less he's  courting  half  a  dozen  of  'em  to  a  time. 

After  we  was  fairly  imbarked  into  the  old  waggin, 
sez  I: 

"  Xow,  Seeze,  let's  understand  one  'tother  in  the  be- 
ginning. You're  to  stick  to  bizness,  and  not  go  a  rac- 
ing after  every  gal  you  see,  and  letting  the  Clean  Sweep 
and  yer  ma  go  to  the  dickens.'' 

"  All  right,  ma,"  sez  he;  "  I  won't  look  at  a  petti- 
coat. And  to  make  the  thing  even  all  round,  }'ou 
mustn't  be  a  casting  sheep's  eyes  at  any  of  the  men 
sect." 

4 'Why,  Seeze  PettigreAv!"  sez  I,  "for  shame!  when 
your  pa  hain't  been  above  six  months  in  his  grave !" 

"Nevertheless,  he  is  there!"  sez  this  onrcverent  boy, 
61  and  for  all  practical  purposes  six  months  is  just  as 
good  as  six  years  in  such  a  case!  And  if  you  get  taken 
with  any  male  biped  I  shall  feel  as  if  I  had  a  right  to 
buzz  the  girls." 

"  I  don't  know  what  yoii  mean  by  buzzing,"  sez  I, 
"but  I'll  give  you  leave  to  do  it,  anyhow,  if  I  forget 
that  I  am  the  widder  of  the  late  Josiah  Pettigrew, 
Esq.,  and  that  he  hain't  been  more'n  six  months  in  his 
grave !" 

So  one  fine  morning  we  sot  fourth. 

The  fust  day  we  met  with  no  adventures  worth  men- 


20        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W S  PERPLEXITIES. 

tioning,  and  we  driv  into  the  ruril  deestrucks  of  the. 
State  of  Maine.  We  sold  two  bottles  of  Clean  Sweep, 
and  got  paid  all  in  coppers  for  one  bottle,  and  in  butter 
and  eggs  for  'tother.  The  folks  that  bought  the  last 
bottle  was  dead  broke  in  the  money  way,  but  their 
cisterns  needed  seeing  to  all  the  same. 

We  put  up  for  the  night  at  a  farm-house  where  they 
was  shelling  beans.  The  name  of  the  head  of  the  con- 
sarn  Avas  Tim  Flynn.  He  had  two  pritty  darters,  whose 
disgustive  orgins  were  all  in  tune,  or  they  wouldn't  have 
had  such  red  cheeks. 

But  the  old  lady  was  colicky,  and  the  old  man  sed  he 
thought  some  kind  of  medicine  that  would  ransack  her 
cistern  thoroughly  Avould  be^the  salvation  of  her.  And 
he  sed  he'd  keep  us  all  night  for  a  bottle  of  the  Clean 
Sweep. 

The  oldest  gal's  name  was  Surah,  and  I  could  see  that 
it  was  dreadful  hard  work  for  Seeze  to  keep  clear  of  her. 
But  I  had  faith  in  his  promise,  so  I  sot  easy. 

Along  in  the  course  of  the  evening  there  was  one  of 
the  neighbors  come  in  to  while  the  time  away  and  help 
shell  beans. 

His  name  was  Mr.  Gibbs.  He  was  sandy-haired,  and 
had  a  very  large  nose.  So  had  all  the  illustrious  men 
of  old.  He  was  a  widower  with  seven  children. 

Poor  critter!  how  I  pitied  him!  He  told  me  his  sor- 
rers,  and  the  tears  fell  like  rain  into  his  red  bandanner 
handkercher.  I  sympathized  with  him,  and  told  him 
about  Josiah,  and  the  toomstun  I  had  put  up  to  his 
memories,  and  about  the  Clean  Sweep;  and  he  told  me 


INTRODUCING  THE  "CLEAN  SWEEP."  21 

how  he  had  had  the  collery  infantus,  and  a  bile  on  his 
back,  and  nobody  to  poultice  it,  and  bathe  his  aching 
spine ! 

And  I  sithed,  and  he  squoosed  my  hand  under  the 
bean  vines,  and  I  squoosed  his'n.  There  was  no  harm 
in  it,  for  we  was  both  members  of  the  same  church,  and 
it  is  not  wrong  for  church  people  to  squeeze  one 
Mother's  hands,  or  even  to  kiss  eacli  other,  if  they  want 
to.  It  helps  to  bring  out  their  social  elements. 

Seeze,  he  had  disappeared.  Gone  to  bed,  T  expected, 
for  he  was  tired  nigh  about  to  death,  he  sed. 

Mr.  Gibbs  asked  me  if  I  wouldn't  step  out  on  the 
piazza  with  him,  and  see  if  I  thought  it  was  gwine  to 
rain.  He  sed  he  wanted  to  haul  some  wood  the  next 
day,  and  he  was  afeerd  of  rain.  So  I  stepped  out,  and 
it  was  so  dark  that  he  offered  me  his  arm  for  fear  I 
should  walk  off  the  edge,  and  he  went  out  to  the  farder 
eend  and  stepped  into  the  grape  arbor  and  sot  down. 
He  didn't  say  nothing,  but  we  kept  up  a  lively  thinking. 

I  thought  two  or  three  times  that  I  heerd  sumthin' 
rustle  rite  close  beside  us,  but  I  expected  it  must  be  the 
wind,  and  sot  easy.  Byme-by  I  heerd  sumthin'  that 
sounded  like — wall,  a  kind  of  a  smacking  sound  that  it 
hain't  easy  to  describe,  but  a'most  everybody  knows  how 
it  sounds. 

And  in  a  minnit  a  sharp  voice  yelled  out: 

"  If  you  don't  let  me  alone  I'll  holler  murder!  I  swow 
I  will!  so  there!" 

I  was  skeered,  and  so  was  Gibbs.  He  was  a  narvous 
man,  and  he  fell  to  screeching: 


22     PA  TIENCE  PETTIGRE  W  'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"Murder!  thieves!  help!" 

Then  somebody  come  at  us  all  in  the  dark,  and  swore 
at  us,  and  punched  Gibbs  in  the  stomach,  and  called 
him  an  infernal  old  donkey,  and  then  the  fust  thing  I 
knowed  I  was  sculped  of  my  new  false  hair,  and  many 


"IN  THE  MIDST  OF  IT  OLD  FLYNN  MADE  HIS  APPEARANCE." 

as  three  or  four  dogs  cum  from  somewheres  and  pitched 
in,  and  I  kicked,  and  Gibbs  kicked,  and  somebody  else 
kicked,  and  in  the  midst  of  it  old  Flynn  made  his  ap- 
pearance with  a  pitchfork  in  one  hand  and  a  lantern  in 
Mother. 


CHAPTEE  III. 

A   RAILROAD   ACCIDENT. 

E  WAS  all  dumfound-ed  at  the  sight  which  met 
our  eyes  as  the  light  of  Old  Flynn's  lantern 
shone  onto  the  scene.  As  the  novel  writers 
say,  "  It  was  a  scene  for  a  painter!" 

There  stood  Gibbs,  with  one  eye  out — it  was  a  glass 
one  as  I  found  out  afterward;  and  I  had  lost  fifty  dol- 
lars' worth  of  my  skulp,  warranted  all  long  hair  and  not 
dyed,  and  thirty-two  inches  long;  and  if  you'll  believe 
it,  the  folks  that  we'd  heerd  kissing  one  t'other  in  the 
dark,  and  that  had  kicked  us,  and  skulped  us,  was  none 
other  than  that  ondutif  ul  and  onregenerate  son  of  mine, 
and  Sarah  Flynn! 

I  was  so  overcome  that  I  had  to  grasp  Gibbs'  arm  for 
support,  and  lean  onto  his  manly  breast  in  feminine 
weakness. 

For  I  had  put  confidence  in  Seeze,  and  how  cruelly  he 
had  deceived  me.  Oh,  treachery!  thy  name  is  men  folks ! 

"Seeze!"  sez  I,  "  I  am  grieved  and  astonished  at  you, 
and  my  heart  is  sore!  At  this  rate,  my  son,  it  won't  be 
long  before  you  will  bring  my  gray  hairs  in  sorrow  to 
the  grave!" 

"According  to  present  appearances,  ma,"  sez  this  dis- 
respectful boy,  "  you  won't  have  any  hairs,  gray  or 
otherwise,  to  bring  to  the  grave,  or  to  any  other  place! 


24        PA  TIENCE  PE TT1GRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

You're  dredful  nigh  barefooted  on  the  top  of  your  head, 
I  should  say!" 

"Seeze!"  selz  I,  "I'm  took  all  aback!  struck  all  of  a 
heap  at  your  conduct!" 

"Just  my  case  with  regard  to  you,  ma!"  sez  he. 

"  A  gal  that  you  never  seed,  nor  heard  tell  of,  till  two 
or  three  hours  ago!"  sez  I,  "and  hugging  and  kissing  of 
her  out  here  in  the  dark,  jest  as  if  you  had  been  a  school- 
mate with  her,  and  her  ma  had  sed  you  might." 

"  And  you  out  here  in  the  dark,  Mrs.  "Widder  Petti- 
grew,  a  being  hugged  by  a  man  with  a  glass  eye,  that 
you  never  seed  till  an  hour  or  two  ago,  and  the  late 
lamented  Josiah  not  yet  six  months  under  the  sod!  Mrs. 
P.,  I  am  ashamed  of  you!  'And  the  shoes  not  yet  old 
with  which  you  followed/  etc.,  etc.,  to  quote  the  im- 
mortal Shakspeare;  and  the  crape  half  a  yard  deep 
around  the  skirt  of  your  dress,  and  mourning  borders  on 
your  handkerchiefs — oh,  lordy!  lordy!  I  feel  as  if  I 
could  creep  into  a  knot-hole!  Say,  captain,  you  don't 
happen  to  have  one  laying  round  loose  anywhere,  do 
ye?" 

Old  Flynn  took  a  chaw  of  to  backer,  and  wopsed  it  over 
two  or  three  times,  and  spit  twice,  before  he  answered. 
Then,  sez  he: 

"  It's  about  six  and  a  half  a  dozen!  Better  offset,  and 
call  it  square.  The  old  lady  and  Neighbor  Gibbs  has 
had  it  their  way,  and  this  young  jackanapes  and  Sarah 
has  had  it  their  way,  and  it's  the  natral  way  of  things, 
after  all;  and  by  jings!  I've  done  jest  so  myself!  Come 
in,  all  of  ye,  and  less  have  a  drink  of  sweet  cider!" 


A  RAILROAD  ACCIDENT.  £5 

There  warn't  nothing  more  sed  about  it,  and  the  next 
morning  Seeze  and  I  agin  sot  fourth. 

So  far,  Abe  had  behaved  like  a  gentleman,  and  I  told 
Seeze  that  it  did  seem  as  if  hauling  the  Clean  Sweep  had 
swept  the  tantrims  clean  out  of  that  hoss  critter!  But 
before  the  day  was  over,  I  found  out  that  it  haint  never 
best  to  crow  till  you're  clear  of  the  woods! 

We  rid  through  a  very  nice  track  of  country,  but  there 
warn't  many  houses,  and  most  of  the  people  was  onfor- 
tinitely  in  good  health,  and  didn't  want  no  Clean  Sweep. 

Along  toward  night  we  come  to  a  house  sot  down  in  a 
pitch  pine  swamp.  It  was  one-roomed,  and  had  a  lean- 
to  on  the  hinder  end,  like  a  bustle  on  to  a  city  belle;  and 
there  was  three  sheep,  and  some  hens  and  roosters,  and 
four  children,  and  a  baby,  and  five  dogs,  and  a  pig,  all 
on  the  doorstep,  and  a  man  with  a  red  shirt  on  sawing 
wud  cluss  by. 

He  was  smoking  an  old  black  pipe,  so  short-stemmed 
that  it  seemed  as  if  his  nose  must  be  iron-clad,  or  it 
would  have  got  burned  off;  and  indeed  he  might  have 
spared  half  of  it  and  not  hurt  him,  for  it  was  as  long  as 
the  President's  Message. 

"Seeze  driv  up  to  the  door,  and  all  the  dogs  barked, 
and  all  the  hens  and  roosters  cackled,  and  all  the  children 
began  to  yell  and  pull  hair.  The  man  he  stopped  sawing, 
and  shaded  his  eyes  with  his  hand,  and  looked  at  us,  and 
then  he  yelled  out  to  somebody  in  the  house  : 

"  Old  woman!  I  say,  old  woman!     Somebody's  cum!" 

"Look  here,  mister,"  sez  Seeze.  "An}>  thing  the 
matter  with  your  disgustive  apparatus?" 


26        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE IV S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  Hay?"  sez  the  man,  staring  at  him. 

"  There'll  be  a  short  crop  of  it  this  year,  wont 
there?"  sez  Seeze,  "but  may  I  inquire  if  your  liver  be 
in  good  tune?" 

"  Hay?"  sez  the  man,  staring  wuss  than  ever. 

"  It  was  twenty-live  dollars  a  ton,  and  on  the  rise, 
the  last  I  heerd  of  it!"  sez  Seeze,  "but  that's  nothing 
to  do  with  your  internal  orgins.  Want  any  Clean 
Sweep  ?" 

"No,"  sez  the  man;  "my  old  woman  uses  a  hemblock 
broom!" 

"But  this  is  another  thing,"  sez  I;  "it's  a  medicine, 
warranted  to  make  your  teeth  white,  your  cheeks  rod, 
your  hair  curl,  and  to  clean  your  cistern  from  all  impuri- 
ties and  humors,  or  the  money  refunded !  T,he  A  No.  1 
thing  for  the  disgustive  orgins,  and " 

"Hello  there!  Hello,  Hanner!"  shouted  the  old 
man  to  the  house.  "I  say,  come  out  here!  Here's  a 
couple  of  Irishmen  or  Frenchers,  dashed  if  I  can  tell 
which,  and  see  if  you  can  make  anything  out  of  their 
lingo!" 

Out  cum  a  middle-aged  woman  in  a  checked  gound, 
with  a  blue  apron  on,  and  a  red  shirt,  the  mate  of  the 
one  the  man  had  on,  in  her  hands,  and  she  was  a  wring- 
ing the  soap  suds  out  of  it  as  she  cum. 

"What  in  nater  do  you  want,  Sam  Grimes!"  sez  she. 
"  You're  allers  in  diffikillty.  What's  cum  acrost  ye 
now?" 

He  pointed  to  us,  and  Seeze  he  opened  fire  on  her 
afore  she  could  say  anything. 


BUT  THIS  IS  A  MEDICINE  WARRANTED  TO  MAKE  YOUR  TEETH  WHITE, 
YOUR  CHEEKS  BED,  YOUB  HAlii  CUBL,  ETC.'  " 


28        PA  TTENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W*  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"We're  introducing  a  new  medicine/'  sez  he;  "most 
wonderful  thing  of  the  age!  Everybody  needs  it.  No- 
body can  do  without  it.  Sets  you  up  prodigiously! 
Makes  the  old  young,  and  the  homely  beautiful!  The 
life  of  man,  and  woman,  too!  Inspires  the  intellect! 
All  great  men  take  it.  Washington  took  it  straight,* 
without  sugar,  every  morning!  Napoleon  took  it  on 
the  field  of  Waterloo!  Goliah  was  full  of  it  when  he 
killed  David,  or  was  it  vicy  verser?  Shakspeer  couldn't 
exist  without  it!  Of  course  you  know  Shakspeer?" 

"  Shakspeer?  Shakspeer?"  sez  the  man,  rubbing  his 
forehead.  "  I  guess  not,  mister.  One  of  the  revolu- 
tionary fellers?  Britisher  or  Yankee?" 

"  Oh,  good  Lord!"  sez  I,  "whoever  seed  such  a  man? 
Never  heerd  tell  of  Shakspeer?" 

"  Mebby  the  old  woman  has!"  sez  he.  "  Say,  old  wo- 
man, 'taint  that  new  tin  peddler  that  cheated  ye  out  of 
ten  cents  'tother  day,  is  it?" 

"  Dunno  nothing  about  him,  nor  don't  want  to!" 
sez  she,  giving  the  shirt  a  shake  that  slung  the  soap 
suds  into  my  eyes  and  mouth,  and  nigh  about  choked 
me. 

"  How  is  your  internal  orgins?"  sez  Seeze. 

"I  hain't  got  no  orgin,"sez  she;  "there  hain't  no 
orgin  in  town  but  Suke  Smith's,  and  there  ain't  a-going 
to  be !"  and  she  went  into  the  house  and  slammed  the 
door  to  behind  her,  and  Seeze  and  I  driv  onards,  jest 
the  same  as  we  was  afore. 

We  sold  six  bottles  of  Clean  Sweep  as  we  went  along, 
and  run  over  a  dog  and  lamed  him,  and  stove  in  some- 


A  RAILROAD  ACCIDENT.  29 

body's  f runt  fence  by  Abe's  running  aginst  it  in  one  of 
his  tantrums,  but  otherways  everything  was  lovely,  and 
Abe  had  behaved  like  a  hoss  angel. 

We  driv  into  the  village,  and  the  Clean  Sweep  went 
off  like  hot  cakes.  I  was  as  happy  as  if  I  had  struck 
ile,  and  Seeze  whistled  like  a  canary  bird. 

As  we  driv  along  quite'  a  crowd  of  boys  and  dogs  fol- 
lowed us  to  hear  Seeze  explaterate,  and  to  see  him  per- 
form. 

Pritty  soon  we  cum  to  a  railroad  track.  It  was  the 
first  one  we  had  cum  to,  and  Abe  is  allers  full  of  kinks 
when  he  sees  one.  I  began  to  expect  he  would  have  a 
contrary  fit,  and  I  told  Seeze  to  hold  on. 

Abe  he  sot  back  his  ears,  and  planted  his  fore  feet 
onto  the  track,  and  there  he  stood  like  a  statoot.  There 
warn't  no  such  a  thing  as  stirring  of  him.  He'd 
made  up  his  mind,  and  when  once  he's  sot,  he's  as  sot 
as  the  hills.  All  the  boys  hoorayed,  and  all  the  dogs 
barked,  and  Seeze  he  swore  at  the  pony,  and  I  laid  the 
whip  onto  him,  and  he  stood  there  and  seemed  to  enjoy 
the  sensation  he  was  a-making. 

And  rite  in  the  midst  of  it  we  heard  the  screech  of  an 
ingine,  and  the  flag  man  cum  a-running,  and  yelled  out 
to  us: 

"  Drive  that  old  plug  of  your'n  along,  or  you'll  be 
killed!"  and  he  added  a  few  swearing  words  by  way  of 
ornyment. 

"My  onriligious  friend,"  sez  I,  "I'm  sorry  to  dissy- 
pint  you,  but  it  can't  be  did.  This  annimile  has  got  a 
mind  of  his  own  which  it  ain't  easy  to  change." 


30        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

The  flag  man  grabbed  Abe  by  the  head,  and  giv  a  pull 
as  if  he  expected  the  hull  concern  to  start  at  once,  but 
instid  of  that  Abe  got  up  onto  his  hinder  legs,  and  let 
his  forud  paws  down  onto  that  flag  man,  and  he  tum- 
bled heels  over  head  onto  the  track,  and  round  the 
curve  cum  the  ingine,  and  the  whistle  a-sounding,  and 
the  ingineer  and  fireman  a-screeching,  and  Seeze  and  I 
a-sitting  there  awaiting  to  be  launched  into  eternity. 


CHAPTEE  IV. 

A   TRIP  TO   THE    WHITE   MOUNTAIN'S. 

^i:  E  SOT  there,  transfiggerated  as  it  were  into 
stun.  Nary  one  of  us  spoke  a  word.  Seeze 
sed  afterward  that  it  was  the  fust  time  he'd 
ever  seed  his  ma  into  a  place  where  her  tongue  didn't 
work. 

Seeze  is  a  dreadful  impudent,  sassy  boy.  He  was 
brought  up  on  the  bottle,  and  I've  often  thought  that  it 
would  have  been  better  for  him  to  have  been  brung  up 
at  the  end  of  a  birch  stick. 

The  train  cum  thundering  along,  and  I  knowed  the 
fate  of  the  Clean  Sweep  was  sealed.  Fifty  dollars'  worth 
of  it,  to  say  the  least.  It  would  be  a  dreadful  loss  to  us, 
but  who  could  help  it?  Nothing  short  of  a  merrykle 
could  save  us. 

I  shut  my  eyes  and  tried  to  say  a  prayer,  but  I  couldn't 
seem  to  think  of  nothing  to  say.  Folks  that  has  cum 
pritty  nigh  death  are  ullers  .saying  that  they  think  of  all 
their  past  life  in  a  'minnit,  especially  of  what  they've 
done  that  wasn't  on  the  square;  but  I'll  be  switched  if  I 
could  think  of  a  single  thing  except  this  line  of  Shake- 
speare's: 

"  There  was  an  old  woman  who  lived  in  a  shoe." 

While  I  was  trying  despritlyto  think  of  the  next  line, 


32        PATIENCE  PETTIGREW'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

that  lioss  of  ourn  give  a  leap — jest  as  the  smoke  of  that 
ingine  covered  us  all  over  and  shut  us  out  from  human 
view — that  hoss  give  a  leap  and  cleared  the  track,  wag- 
gin  and  all — made  a  clean  sweep  of  it  generilly — and 
bust  rite  through  a  board  fence  into  some  woods,  and 
skedaddled  through  a  garden,  and  out  onto  the  street, 
and  then,  with  one  flying  leap,  he  dashed  rite  through 
the  big  winder  of  a  milliner's  shop,  where  a  tallish 
woman,  with  a  kind  of  a  starved  look  about  her,  as  if 
she  was  afraid  to  eat  all  she  wanted  for  fear  her  time 
would  be  up,  was  trying  on  a  bunnit  afore  a  glass. 

"  Oh,  hevings!"  yelled  she,  as  Abe  stepped  about  a 
foot  from  her,  "he's  come!  and  I  not  in  my  ascension 
robes!  Lord  help  me!"  and  down  she  got  on  the  floor 
afore  Seeze,  who  had  alighted  from  the  waggin  and  begun 
for  to  wriggle  round.  "  Elder  Baugup  seel,  last  Sunday, 
that  even  then  he  could  hear  the  rumble  of  his  chariot 
wheels,  but  I  never  dreamed  he  was  so  nigh!  And  he's 
cum  with  a  little  white  hoss  and  an  old  woman — maybe 
you're  Abram's  wife?"  sez  she  to  me;  "or  the  wife  of 
Simon  whose  surname  was  Peter?" 

"No,"  s^  I,  "I  was  the  wife  of  the  late  lamented 
Josiah,  whose  "n-narne  was  Pettigrew;  and  what  on 
earth  are  you  trying  to  make  out  of  this?  Who  do  you 
take  us  for?" 

"  I  am  an  Advent,"  sez  she.  "  It's  the  only  true 
religion.  We've  been  looking  continually  for  the  coming 
of  our  Lord.  Many  a  time  have  we  been  disappointed, 
but  last  Sunday  the  elder  sed  the  time  was  nigh.  He 
sed  the  chariot  of  the  Lord  would  come  suddenly  and 


34        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE IV' S  PERPLEXITIES. 

with  a  great  crash,  and  when  I  seed  you  I  thought  it  had 
come!" 

"  Gracious  deliverance \"  sez  I,  "you  must  be  out  of 
your  mind  to  take  me  and  Seeze  for  anything  of  that 
kind;  and  as  for  Abe  he's  better  fit  for  a  boss  for  Mr. 
Satan  than  he  is  for  anybody  else,  consarn  him.  And 
this  hain't  the  Lord's  chariot  by  no  means.  It's  the 
markit  waggin  of  the  late  lamented  Josiah,  and  I'll 
venture  to  say  there's  been  a  ton  of  butter  hauled  to 
markit  in  it,  fust  and  last.  And  now  it's  full  of  Petti- 
grew's  Patunt  Purgative  Clean  Sweep,  which  beats 
everything  else  •  in  natur  in  its  own  pertickerler  line. 
It'll  clean  the  cistern  from  all  humors,  and  make  a  new 
critter  out  of  you.  You'll  feel  as  if  you'd  been  born  agin 
rite  off.  It'll  make  your  cheeks  red,  and  your  hair  curl, 
and  your  teeth  white,  and  it'll  cure  the  wust  temper  in 
the  world,  and  no  questions  asked.  Only  one  dollar  a 
bottle,  and  satisfaction  warranted  or  the  money'll  be 
refunded." 

Seeze  he  was  busy  a  backing  that  hoss  critter  of  ourn 
out  of  the  shop,  and  the  milliner  was  a  scolding  about 
the  damage  that  had  been  done  her  fixings;  and  in  the 
midst  of  it  along  rushed  a  man,  hatless,  and  out  of 
breath,  and  stopped  the  doctor  rite  in  f  runt  of  that  shop 
as  he  was  a  riding  by. 

"  Dreadful  accident,"  sez  he.  "  Eun  for  your  life, 
doctor.  Man  and  woman  killed,  and  hoss  and  waggin 
all  blown  to  atoms!  Bust  up  by  the  railroad!  Ain't 
found  any  remains  yet,  but  expect  to.  Scores  of  men 
hunting  for  'em!" 


A    TRIP  TO  THE   WHITE  MOUNTAINS.  35 

"  Gracious!"  sez  the  doctor,  turning  his  old  hoss 
round  in  a  jiffy,  for  the  doctor  was  a  young  one,  and 
they're  always  on  the  lookout  for  a  job.  "  Glorious 
chance  for  a  post-mortem.  Blown  to  atoms!  Xo  bones 
to  set?  Sorry  for  that.  Broken  bones  bring  fat  fees. 
How  did  it  happen?  Remains  not  found,  eh?" 

"  No,  but  expect  to  find  some  of  'em  every  minit," 
sez  the  hatless  man;  and  off  the  two  went,  the  doctor 
laying  the  whip  onto  the  old  hoss,  and  the  'tother  man 
explaterating  about  the  accident. 

I  told  Seeze  that  he  and  I  would  git  into  the  wag- 
gin,  and  go  and  see  'em  pick  up  our  remains,  and  hold 
a  post-mortem  over  'em,  and  we  got  into  the  waggin 
and  sot  sail. 

When  we  got  to  that  railroad  crossing  there  was  a  big 
crowd  gathered,  and  the  engine  was  a  standing  waiting 
on  the  track,  and  all  the  passengers  was  out  poking 
round  through  the  bushes  and  turning  up  the  leaves  to 
find  our  remains;  and  the  village  minister  was  a  stand- 
ing on  a  box  and  holding  forth  to  the  people  about  the 
awfulness  of  the  thing,  and  how  it  stood  every  mortal 
man  and  woman  to  git  reddy  to  be  blowed  up  on  tlit> 
railroad  without  no  onnecessary  delay. 

"  Strange  sarcumstance,"  sez  an  old  man  that  had 
been  down  onto  his  hands  and  knees  scratching  round 

o 

in  the  rubbish,  "  that  we  can't  find  so  much  as  an  arm 
or  a  leg,  or  even  a  piece  of  the  harness.  I  seed  the 
whole  thing  from  my  house  over  yonder.  The  ingine 
give  out  a  puff  of  smoke  that  hid  everything,  and  when 
it  was  blowed  away  the  hoss,  waggin,  man  and  Avomau 


36        PA  TIEXCE  PE TTIGRE  W *S  PERPLEXITIES. 

was  as  clean  gone  as  if  the  airth  had  opened  and  swal- 
lowed 'em  up." 

"  I'm  afraid,"  sez  the  doctor  sadly,  wiping  his  nose 
with  his  handkercher,  "  I'm  afraid  there  won't  be  any 
post-mortem." 

"  My  friends,"  sez  I,  stepping  up  onto  the  box  in  the 
waggin,  "you  might  as  well  all  go  home  and  attend  to 
your  biznesses,  if  you've  got  any.  I'm  the  woman  as 
was  blowed  to  atoms,  and  I  feel  jest  as  good  as  new, 
and  here  is  Seeze;  and  the  pony  is  good  for  another 
trip.  And  there  hain't  going  to  be  no  post-mortem 
onto  me,  nor  none  of  my  folks." 

IIow  the  people  did  cheer  and  stretch  their  necks  to 
git  sight  of  us,  and  how  they  shook  hands  with  ^us,  and 
took  on  over  us  generally.  We  all  sot  for  our  forty- 
grafts,  hoss  and  all,  and  I  must  say  that  Abe  looked  as 
natral  as  if  he'd  growed  onto  that  piece  of  pasteboard. 
I  sold*out  my  Clean  Sweep,  every  mite  and  grain  of  it, 
on  the  spot,  and  I've  no  doubt  but  what  the  people  of 
that  place  are  all  cleaned  out  by  this  time,  if  they've 
took  the  medicine  faithfully.  I'll  venture  to  say  that 
their  cisterns  has  been  pritty  thoroughly  ransacked. 

After  we'd  sold  out,  Seeze  and  I  went  home,  got  a 
new  recruit  of  bottles,  and  started  for  the  "White 
Mountains.  I've  been  wanting  to  go  there  for  quite  a 
spell,  and  I  thought  we  could  peddle  and  see  the  sights 
all  to  once. 

Without  anything's  happening  worth  telling  of,  we 
reached  the  Glen  House^  and  put  up  for  the  night. 

It  is  kinder  hilly  round  here,  and  there's  considerable 


A    TRIP   TO   THE    WHITE  MOUNTAINS. 


"THE  BEAR  JUMPED  FORRUD 
AXD  I  FELL  OJ.TO  THE  GROUND." 


.-  '-  many  rocks  laying 
round  loose.  After 
supper  I  went  out  to  take  a 
walk.  It  was  foggy,  it  gen- 
erally is  when  anybody  goes 
anywheres,  and  the  fust  thing 
I  knowed  there  was  a  grate 
black  hannimile  standing  rite 
in  frunt  of  me  onto  his  hind 
legs,  with  his  under  jaw 
dropped,  and  his  teeth  a  show- 
ing wonderful.  He  was  the 
most  openest- countenanced 
critter  I  ever  see. 

' '  Errr — rrr — errrrr!"  sez 
he. 

"Gracious  airth!"  sez  I, 
"it's  a  bear!  Murder!  Help! 
He's  a  coming  at  me !  I  shall 


38        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGKE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

be  devoured  and  turned  into  a  bear!  I  wish  I'd  staid 
to  home.  Drat  the  White  Mountains." 

The  bear  jumped  forrud  and  I  fell  onto  the  ground 
intirely  overcome,  expecting  every  minit  to  feel  them 
teeth  of  his'n  come  a  crunching  rite  into  my  skull. 

"Patience  Pettigrew!"  sea  I,  "widder  of  the  late 
lamented  Josiah,  it's  all  up  with  ye!" 

And  I  closed  my  eyes  and  awaited  my  fate. 


CHAPTER  V. 

THE   DUKE   OF   WELLINGTON. 

AS  I  laid  there,  wishing  I  was  to  home, 
braiding  rag  carpets,  I  heerd  a  rapid  step, 
and  a  wheezing  voice  called  out: 

' '  Take  courage,  marm !  I'm  here,  and  I'll  save  you,  or 
we'll  perish  together!" 

And  I  looked  up  and  seed  a  middle-aged  man  with  a 
cane,  and  an  eye-glass,  and  he  was  a  picking  up  rocks  to 
fire  at  the  bear.  The  fust  one  he  let  fly  hit  me  rite  on 
the  jint  of  my  left  great  toe,  the  jint  that  has  bothered 
me  most  to  death  ever  since  last  summer,  a  swelling  up 
so.  It  nigh  about  upsot  me,  and  I  felt  as  if  I  wished  the 
man  with  the  eye-glass  had  kept  away.  But  then,  the 
best  of  us  is  liable  to  make  mistakes. 

He  fired  again,  and  the  stun  went  about  twenty  feet 
beyond  the  bear,  and  the  bear  stood  there  .and  laffed  at 
the  proceedings  jest  as  well  as  a  bear  could  laugh.  You 
could  see  all  his  teeth  to  once,  clear  from  one  ear  to 
tother! 

Jest  as  he  was  a  going  to  let  the  third  stun  fly  I  heard 
a  chain  rattle  and  an  idee  stole  o'er  me. 

"  Hold  on,  my  friend,"  sez  I,  "  I  dunno  but  what  the 
critter  is  chained." 

And  I  got  up  and  crept  with  trembling  limbs  toward 


40        PA  TIE  NCR  PE  T  TIGRE  W '  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

him,  and  shure  enuff  he  was  chained,  and  couldn't  git 
away  no  more'n  as  if  he'd  been  in  the  State's  prison. 

I  went  back  to  the  man  and  give  him  my  hand.     I 
have  read  heaps  of  novels,  and  I  know  just  how  to  act 
on  such  an  occasion.     The  heroine  allers  glorifies  the 
hero  that  saves  her  from  peril,  and  I  would  glorify  my 
hero. 

"Noble  sir!"  sez  I,  "  words  fail  me  to  thank  you  for 
your  brave  conduct.  But  for  you,  I  shudder  to  think 
what  would  have  been  my  fate.  Accept  my  thanks. 
The  thanks  of  Patience  Pettigrew,  widow  of  the  late 
Josiah." 

II  Ah,  ma'am,"  sez  he,"  "  I'm  afraid  you  greatly  over- 
estimate my  most  humble  and  unceremonious  attempts 
to  snatch  you  from  the  dire  hands  of  an  irrevokable 
destiny.     But  while  the  stars  shed  their  luster  upon  this 
mundane  sphere  from  their  home  in  the  celestial  dome 
of  ether,  I  shall  never  cease  to  pour  benisons  upon  the 
Creator  that  I  was  in  near  propinquity  to  preserve  you  if 
need  be." 

And  he  nourished  his  eye-glass,  and  bowed  till  his 
nose  nigh  about  touched  the  ground,  and  the  buckle  on 
his  suspender  straps  bust  in  two  and  jingled  to  the 
airth. 

I  seed  to  once  that  he  was  a  collidge  larnt  man,  and 
that  riz  my  respects  for  him  rite  up.  I  admire  laming. 
It  is  a  great  thing.  It  is  nigh  about  as  good  as  money. 

"  Kind  sir,"  sez  I,  "your  modesty  is  great,  but  that 
don't  prevent  me  from  seeing  that  you've  got  the  courage 
of  a  prince.  Might  I  inquire  your  name?" 


THE  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON.  41 

"  Dearest  madame!"  sez  he,  "  I  am  called  the  Duke  of 
Wellington.  Maybe  you  have  heard  my  name  men- 
tioned?" 

My  breath  Avas  clean  took  away.  A  duke!  a  real  duke! 
Well,  what  was  a  duke,  anyhow?  I.  tried  to  think,  but 
somehoAv  I  couldn't  seem  to  make  it  out.  Any  way,  a 
duke  is  a  bigger  man  than  a  squire. 

"1  dunno!"  sez  I;  "seems  to  me  it  does  sound  natral, 
but  I  thought  the  Duke  of  Wellington  was  dead  long 
ago!" 

"A  great  mistake,  madame!'' sez  he,  with  another 
flourish  of  his  eye-glass,  "  a  most  egregious  and  inex- 
cusable mistake!  Dead!  A  great  man  never  dies!  He 
is  immortal!  He  lives  forever!  He  is  as  imperishable 
as  an  amaranthine  flower." 

"  Ixcuse  me,"  sez  I,  "I  must  have  been  mistook.  No 
offense,  I  hope,  to  nobody." 

"  Xot  at  all,  illustrious  lady,"  sez  he,  "and  if  you 
will  permit  me  to  kiss  your  fair  hand  I  shall  be  amply 
repaid  for  all  my  trouble." 

"'Taint  very  fair  now/' sez  I,  "because  I've  worked 
outdoors  considerable  this  spring,  and  that  hain't  favor- 
able for  white  hands,  but  sich  as  they  be,  you're  welcome 
to  kiss  'em." 

And  he  took  'em  both,  and  touched  his  lips  to  'em, 
and  squezed  'em,  and  bowed  over  'em,  and  all  I  needed 
to  complete  my  happiness  was  to  have  Almiry  Jane 
Splicer  there  to  see  my  hands  being  kissed  and  took  on 
over  by  a  live  duke. 

I  dunno  as  I've  mentioned   Almiry  Jane   in   these 


42        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

records  before,  but  I  might  as  well  say  that  she  is  an  old 
maid,  and  in  plain  words  she  and  I  hate  one  Mother! 
'Taint  Christian  like,  I  know,  but  sich  things  will  hap- 
pen, and  I'll  defy  anybody  to  live  anywheres  nigh  Almiry 
Jane  Splicer  and  not  hate  her.  She's  been  dead  set 
after  a  man,  ever  sense  lean  remember,  and  she  hain't 
got  him  yet,  and  hain't  likely  to;  she's  fifty,  if  she's  a  day. 

She  courted  Josiah  after  he  was  married  enuff  to  kill 
him,  and  every  batcheldore  and  widower  for  miles 
round  has  been  the  object  of  her  attentions,  until  the 
poor  critters  had  as  soon  meet  a  devouring  lion  as 
Almiry  Jane. 

Well,  to  cut  a  long  matter  short,  the  duke  and  I  fell 
in  love  on  the  spot,  and  we  went  back  to  the  Glen 
House  arm-in-arm,  and  I  give  him  a  bottle  of  the  Clean 
Sweep  to  take  for  his  digestion,  and  I  interduced  him 
to  Seeze  as  his  future  parient-in-law,  and  Seeze  spread 
his  hands  out  over  us  like  Parson  Prime  when  he  re- 
nounces the  benedickshun,  and  sez  he: 

"  Bless  you!  Bless  you,  my  children!  May  you  live 
long  and  prosper!"  and  then  he  throwed  up  his  hat  and 
gave  three  cheers  for  his  future  pa. 

The  duke  and  me  visited  every  place  of  interest  in 
cumpany.  It  was  delightful  to  have  found  a  congenial 
sole,  he  sed,  and  that  was  the  way  I  felt.  It  is  a  very 
sweet  and  comfortable  feeling. 

The  wedding  day  was  sot. 

We  was  as  happy  as  a  clam,  as  happy  as  a  bed  of 
clams,  in  fact.  Seeze  had  also  found  a  congenial  sole,  in 
a  Miss  Boles  that  was  boarding  at  the  Glen. 


THE  DUKE  OF  WELLINGTON.  43 

She  was  a  little  oldish  for  him,  but  when  I  attempted 
to  argyf y  with  him  about  it,  he  sed  if  he  lived  long 
enuff  he  should  be  as  old  as  she  was. 

She  was  rich,  and  she  took  to  me  like  everything,  and 
called  me  "ma"  right  along,  as  natral  as  could  be.  It 
made  me  feel  more  like  a  respectable  parient  than  ever 
to  hear  her. 

All  of  iis  was  agwine  to  the  summit,  and  I  insisted 
on  riding  Abe.  He  is  a  good  saddle  hoss  as  ever  was 
when  he  don't  take  a  notion  to  stoop  up  behint. 

The  duke  was  to  Avalk,  so  was  Seeze,  and  several 
others;  and  Miss  Boles  and  I,  and  three  women,  was 
a  going  hoss  back. 

We  cantered  off  in  fine  style,  and  was  soon  going  up 
rising  ground.  The  path  to  the  summit  was  as  good  a 
road  as  ever  you  see,  except  that  one  way  it  is  all  up  hill, 
and  Mother  way  it's  all  down  hill. 

Abe  went  along  tip-topish  till  we  got  to  the  place 
they  call  the  "turning  field. "  There  he  stopped.  We 
coaxed  him,  and  licked  him,  and  pulled  him  by  the 
bridle,  and  sed  "Good  colty,"  to  him  till  we  was  all 
tired,  but  not  an  inch  would  he  budge.  He  wasn't 
agwine  up  that  day. 

The  duke  he  stepped  behind  him,  and  grabbed  him 
by  the  tail,  and  he  give  a  tug,  and  as  he  did  so,  that 
horse  stooped  up  as  aforesaid,  and  let  fly  them  heels  of 
his'n,  and  I  went  off  over  his  head,  and  the  duke  was 
knocked  clear  into  the  air  and  down  over  a  slantindick- 
erler  precipice  to  Jerico. 

"Gracious  Peter!"  sez  I,  "I  shall  be  a  second  time  a 


44        PATIENCE  PETTIGREW'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

lone  widder!  I'm  never  to  be  a  ducheess!  No,  never!" 
and  I  throwed  up  my  hands  and  swooned  in  the  arms 
of  a  fat  man  who  rushed  up  to  receive  me. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

REV.    GALUSHEK    MUGGLES. 


HE  FAT  man's  breath  smelt  of  onions,  with  a 
sprinkling  of  whisky  and  tobacco  thrown  in, 
but  I  have  found  by  experience  that  a  good 
many  men's  breaths  smell  the  same  way,  and  if  a  woman 
must  needs  have  a  man  a  hugging  of  her,  she  must  put 
up  with  it. 

The  fat  man  give  me  a  very  sympathetic  squoze,  and 
begged  of  me  not  to  die  then;  it  would  spile  all  the 
pleasure* of  the  day,  he  sed. 

"  And  besides,  my  dear  madam,"  sez  he,  "  it  would  be 
so  onconvenient  getting  the  corpse  down  off  from  the 
mountain." 

Seeze,  onfeeling  boy,  sot  straddle  of  a  rotten  log,  and 
luffed  and  whistled,  and  told  the  fat  man  not  to  take  on, 
that  the  ole  woman  would  come  round  in  time. 

To  think  that  the  boy  I  nussed,  and  physicked  with 
caster  ile  and  magnesia,  and  spanked  till  he  was  red  as  a 
biled  lobster,  should  live  to  call  me  "  the  ole  woman," 
and  to  whistle  "Not  for  Joe,"  while  there  was  a  pros- 
pect of  my  dying  rite  off. 

It  made  me  so  mad  that  I  jumped  out  of  the  fat  man's 
imbrace  and  flew  at  Seeze  and  give  his  ears  such  a  box- 
ing that  I'll  warrant  he'll  remember  it  to  the  day  of  his 
death. 


46        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

The  healthful  exercise  brought  me  clean  to  myself, 
and  I  begun  to  remember  the  duke.  What  had  been  his 
fate?  I  begged  of  'em  to  sarch  for  him,  that  I  might 
know  the  wustest. 

And  I  begun  to  wonder  if  it  would  be  proper  for  me 
to  put  on  fust  mourning  for  him,  spozen  he  was  dead, 
and  if  it  would  be  ixpected  of  me  that  I  should  travel  to 
the  country  where  dukes  is  plenty,  wherever  that  may 
be,  in  order  to  f oiler  him  to  his  grave? 

Some  of  the  party  clim  down  over  the  rocks  to  sarch 
for  the  body  of  the  onfortinit  man,  and  meanwhile  the 
fat  man  consoled  and  comforted  me.  He  told  me  some 
of  his  own  troubles.  He  was  a  minister  of  the  Gospel, 
and  he  had  berried  two  wives,  and  a  third  one  had  gone 
back  on  him  and  left  him  for  a  perrymour,  and  he  had 
had  the  chronic  diary,  and  the  small-pox,  and  had  to  go 
into  bankruptcy,  and  had  had  his  house  burned  down, 
and  seventeen  sheep  killed  by  dogs  and  lightning,  all 
within  the  short  space  of  nine  year,  which  beat  rny 
afflictions  all  holler. 

I  give  him  a  drink  out  of  a  bottle  of  Clean  Sweep  that 
I  had  in  my  pocket,  and  he  smacked  his  lips  and  sed 
that  though  it  was  a  sad  and  dying  world  there  was  a 
grate  many  blessings  in  it,  and  he  whispered  in  my  ear 
that  if  the  duke  was  dead  he  should  be  happy  to  take 
the  duke's  place  in  my  affections. 

Some  people  might  think  this  wasruthertoo  soon,  but 
a  prudent  man  allers  takes  time  by  the  forelock. 

"  Be^comforted,  Sister  Pettigrew,"  sez  the  fat  man, 
whose  name  was  Galusher  Muggles.  "  The  Lord  gave 


GALUSHER  MUGGLES.  47 

and  the  Lord  hath  taken  away  the  duke,  and  he  is  ready 
to  give  thee  Muggles  in  return — thy  devoted  Muggles, 
Sister  Pettigrew,"  sez  he,  with  a  squoze  that  bust  my 
corset  strings  into  three  pieces. 

"Yes,"  sez  I,  "I  know  all  about  that;  but  alass,  it 
was  so  hard  to  have  the  duke  took  away  in  this  suddint 
and  unexpected  way  at  the  heels  of  that  hoss.  And  he 
used  to  make  use  of  such  butiful  languidge — words  full 
four  or  five  syllables  long,  that  nobody  knowed  the 
meaning  of  but  hisself." 

And  I  begun  for  to  snivel  a  little  into  my  handkercher. 

"Do  be  comforted,  dear  Sister  Pettigrew,"  sez  he. 
"  St.  Paul  sez  there  is  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  was 
ketched.  And  being  a  fisherman,  he  ort  to  know." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I,  "  to  be  sure;  but  these  afflictions  is  hard 
to  bear,"  and  then  I  give  a  cry  of  joy,  for  jest  then  the 
men  that  had  gone  in  sarch  of  the  duke  made  their 
appearances,  and  the  duke  was  with  'em,  alive  and 
kicking,  and  none  the  wuss  for  having  tumbled  down 
the  mountain. 

The  fat  man's  countenance  fell,  and  he  hove  a  sigh. 

"  Muggles,"  sez  he  to  hisself,  "  it's  all  up  with  you." 

"\Vhen  the  duke  spied  me  he  rushed  toward  me  with 
ixtended  arrums. 

"  Star  of  my  life,"  sez  he,  "  what  do  I  behold?  Barest 
thou  recline  upon  the  bosom  of  another?  Inconstancy 
thy  name  is — Mrs.  Pettigrew.  Oh,  that  mine  eyes  had 
been  blasted  before  I  had  beheld  this  evidence  of  thy 
perfidy.  Die,  monster,  die?"  and  he  rushed  upon 
Muggles  in  a  way  that  no  fat  man  could  stand  aginst, 


48         PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

and  they  both  went  down,  and  began  pounding,  and 
kicking,  and  larrapping  one  t'other  in  the  most  dreadful 
way. 


"  '  DIE,   MONSTER,  DIE  !'   AND  HE  RTTSHED  UPON  MtTOOLES  IN  A  WAY  NO 
FAT  MAN  COULD  STAND  AGINST." 

My  hair  fairly  stood  on  eend,  for  I  ixpected  every 
minnit  they  would  git  too  nigh  the  edge  of  some  of  them 


REV.  GAL  USHER  MUGGLES.  49 

precipices  and  bounce  over,  but  that  Seeze  of  mine  he 
was  right  in  his  ellerments. 

He'd  slap  his  legs  and  holler: 

tf  Go  it,  old  boys!  Sick  him,  for  No.  1.  Hang  to  him, 
for  No.  2.  Hooray,  my  jolly  braves!  Don't  leave  a 
whole  bone  in  his  body,  No.  1.  Ditto,  No.  2.  Crack 
him — he  deserves  it!"  and  so  on. 

I  did  the  best  I  could  to  part  'em.  I  clawed  at  the 
coat  tails  of  both  of  'em  till  I'd  convarted  their  coats  into 
short  jackets,  and  the  strips  of  broadcloth  was  scattered 
in  every  direction. 

I  had  begun  to  tug  away  at  their  galluses  when  a  ker- 
ridge  cum  up  the  hill,  with  four  men  into  it,  and  the 
minnit  they  seed  the  duke  they  pounced  onto  him  like 
mad. 

"  We've  got  you,  Tom  Jinks,"  sez  one  of  the  men, 
grabbing  him  by  the  collar,  and  setting  him  onto  his 
feet  in  a  jiffy.  "  You've  give  us  quite  a  race,  but  we've 
got  you  at  last,"  and  he  put  some  handcuffs  onto  him 
rite  on  the  spot. 

"  Look  here,"  sez  I,  "  what  upon  the  face  of  the  airth 
does  this  mean?" 

"Wall,  I  guess  so,"  sez  one  of  the  men. 

"  This  is  a  duke,"  sez  I,"  a  regelar  born  duke.  The 
Duke  of  Wellington  that  fit  in  the  battle  of  Bunker 
Hill." 

"  Ha!  ha!"  sez  the  men  in  chorius;  "  so  he  has  changed 
his  title?  He  was  King  George  the  Third  last  time.  And 
before  that  he  was  Napoleon  Bonaparte.  Come  on, 
Thomas,  we've  got  a  use  for  you." 


50        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W"  S  PERPLEXITIES, 

"  He  is  my  intended  husband/*'  sez  I,  indignant  as  1 
could  be,  "and  I  ain't  a  going  to  see  him  abused  in  this 
way." 

"Intended  fiddlesticks!"  sez  the  man  that  had  put  the 
handcuffs  onto  him;  "why,  old  woman,  he's  got  two 
wives  living,  and  he's  crazier  than  a  bedbug,  and  has 
been  for  ten  years.  He  cut  the  throat  of  one  of  his 
keepers,  and  about  a  fortnight  ago  he  strangled  another 
one  and  escaped  from  the  lunatic  asylum." 

I  throwed  up  my  arms  and  swoonded  for  the  secont 
time  that  day,  but  I  didn't  git  so  fur  gone  but  what  I 
knowed  that  it  was  Mr.  Muggles'  smell  of  onions  that 
was  wafted  to  my  collapsing  oilfactories. 


CHAPTEK  VII. 

THE    TALL,    SPARE    WOMAN. 

HEN  I  cum  back  to  myself  I  found  the  duke 
had  gone,  but  the  Rev.  Mr.  Muggles  was 
there. 

And  he  was  still  a  holding  of  me,  and  perspiring  like 
all  natur.  It  beats  everything  how  these  fat  people  do 
melt  in  hot  weather.  That  is  one  great  objection  to 
being  fat. 

"Dearest  sister  Pettigrew,"  sez  he,  "though  the 
waters  of  affliction  have  passed  over  thee,  be  not  dis- 
couraged, for  Muggles,  thine  own  Muggles,  is  here. 
"Wilt  thou  not  trust  thyself  to  me?" 

And  I  thought  it  over  a  minnit  and  concluded  I 
would. 

Seeze  grasped  the  hand  of  Muggles  just  as  he  had 
grasped  that  of  the  duke  a  few  days  before. 

"Bless  you!"  sez  he;  "may  you  live  long  and  pros- 
per. My  fathers  are  as  numerous  as  the  sands  on  the 
seashore,  but  my  heart  is  large  enough  to  hold  'ertl  all." 
And  he  patted  his  stummuk,  which  was  all  swelled  up 
a  eating  and  a  drinking  four  dollars'  worth  a  day  sense 
he  cum  to  the  Glen  House. 

Say  what  you  will  about  the  pleasures  and  comforts  of 
boarding  to  a  hotel,  it  is  enuff  to  ruinate  any  man's  or 


52       PA  TIENCE  PETTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

woman's  stummuk  to  try  to  get  away  with  four  dollars' 
worth  of  vittles  in  a  day. 

I  didn't  mount  that  treacherous  hoss  agin,  but  leaning 
on  the  arm  of  the  Kev.  Mr.  Muggles  I  finished  the 
journey.  He  puffed  like  a  steam  engine  before  we  got 
there,  but  it  was  done  at  last,  and  we  stood  onto  the  top 
of  Mount  Washington. 

'Taint  no  grate  things  as  'twas  that  day.  It  was  all 
kivered  in  clouds  and  fog,  and  all  the  krinkles  was  took 
out  of  my  hair,  which  I'd  had  did  up  onto  beads  and 
hair  pins  the  night  before,  and  I  looked  as  smooth  about 
the  top  knot  as  a  smelt. 

We  couldn't  see  nowheres  for  the  fog;  and  all  the 
men  folks  did  Avas  to  walk  up  to  the  bar  and  drink.  I 
asked  Muggles  what  they  was  drinking,  and  he  informed 
me  that  it  was  a  pepperation  kept  up  there  expressly  for 
driving  the  cold  out  of  the  stummuk.  He  said  most 
men  would  have  the  colicks  and  cramps  in  that  atmos- 
phere if  they  didn't  take  sumthur',  and  I  asked  him 
how  it  was  that  we  women  folks  managed  to  stand  it, 
and  he  sed  that  was  one  of  the  secrets  known  to  Provi- 
dence alone. 

I  took  out  a  bottle  of  Clean  Sweep  and  drinked  about 
half  of  it,  so's  to  be  on  the  safe  side,  and  I  offered  some 
to  Mjuggles,  but  he  declined  with  thanks;  he  had  al- 
ready drinked  more  medicine,  he  was  afeard,  than 
agreed  with  his  delicate  cistern. 

And  he  sat  down  and  fanned  himself  and  squozed  my 
hand  as  affectionately  as  the  state  of  the  weather  would 
allow,  and  about  this  time  the  railroad  cum  in  from  the 
foot  of  the  mountain. 


THE   TALL,  SPARE   WOMAN.  53 

,  That  railroad  is  a  big  affair,  though  the  cars  hain't 
very  big,  and  everything  about  'em  seems  like  as  if  it 
was  hind  part  beforemost,  and  it  all  leans  dreadfully 
"toward  Sawyer's." 

When  the  railroad  arriv  there  was  a  tall,  spare  wo- 
man, with  seven  children  of  all  sizes,  a  tugging  after 
her.  I  never  seed  such  a  noisy  flock  as  they  was,  and 
the  woman  had  all  she  could  do  to  keep  'em  in  line. 
Each  one  of  'em  had  a  satchel,  or  a  bandbox,  or  a  bundle, 
or  a  shawl,  or  a  waterproof,  and  the  woman  herself 
had  a  tin  pail  with  a  cloth  on  it,  which  was  their  din- 
ners, I  expect;  and  she  had  a  valise,  and  a  cloak,  and  a 
pair  of  rubber  boots,  and  various  small  bundles. 

"Oh,  Mr.  Eev.  Muggles!"  sez  I,  "do  look  out,  and 
see  this  female  woman  and  her  tribe.  It  beats  all 
creation.  She  must  be  a  lone  widder  like  myself,  poor 
critter!" 

"The  Lord  has  promised  to  have  a  care  over  the  wid- 
der and  fatherless,"  sez  Muggles  piously,  squozing  my 
hand,  "and  in  that  bizness,  dear  Patience,  I  am  the 
Lord's  faithful  sarvant!"  and  he  leaned  forrud  and 
looked  out  at  the  interesting  family. 

Such  a  look  as  cum  over  him !  You  never  seed  the 
beat  of  it!  His  face  turned  the  color  of  my  old  gray 
calico  wash  gown,  he  gasped,  and  swallered,  and  panted, 
and  I  thought  he  was  a  going  to  faint,  and  for  want  of 
sumthin'  better  I  out  with  that  bottle  of  Clean  Sweep 
and  dashed  the  remainder  of  it  into  his  face,  which 
made  him  look  as  though  he  had  been  through  a  mer- 
lasses  hogshead,  for  the  Clean  Sweep  is  quite  sirruppy 
and  sticky. 


54        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE IV' S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"Lord  of  heavens!"  sez  he,  "it  is  Sally  Ann!"  and 
he  sprung  to  his  feet  and  dashed  out  of  doors  and 
streaked  it  down  that  railroad  track  like  a  lunertick. 

He  was  bareheaded,  and  as  his  head  bobbed  through 
the  fog  it  looked  like  the  full  moon  in  dog  days. 

I  was  skairt,  for  I  didnt't  know  but  what  he  was  took 
with  a  crazy  spell,  and  meant  to  dash  hisself  over  some 
slantindicular  precipice  into  eternity,  and  I  started 
after  him  as  fast  as  my  two  feet  would  kerry  me.  And 
so  did  that  tallish  woman  and  all  them  seven  children. 

And  I  blessed  'em  in  my  heart  for  being  so  symperthiz- 
ing  in  what  didn't  consarn  'em. 

"Muggles!"  screamed  I.  "  Eev.  Mr.!  Hold  on  a 
minnit!  Don't  go  for  to  do  anything  desprit!  Wait 
for  your  own  Patience !" 

"  Mug-g-le-s!"  screeched  the  tallish  woman,  "if 
you  don't  stop  rite  where  you  be,  I'll  be  the  death  of 
you!  You  old  hoary-headed  sinner  you!  You  old 
reprobate! 

"Stop!"  yelled  all  the  children  in  chorus,  flinging 
away  their  bundles,  and  bags,  and  baskets,  as  they 
went. 

What  on  airth  it  meant  I  couldn't  understand,  but 
there  was  no  time  for  inquiries.  Muggles  was  in  dan- 
ger, and  when  a  feller  critter  was  in  peril  who  ever 
knowed  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the  late  lamented 
Josiah,  to  hesertate? 

On  we  rushed,  and  the  people  at  the  Summit  they 
caught  the  decease,  and  all  run  after  us  as  fast  as  ever 
they  could. 


'AND  HE  SPRUNG  TO   HIS  FEET  AND  DASHED   OUT  OP  DOORS,  AND 
STREAKED  IT  DOWN  THE  TRACK  LIKE  A  LUNERTICK." 


5  G        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W  '5  PERPLEXITIES. 

Seeze  and  Miss  Boles  they  brung  up  the  rear,  and  I 
heerd  Seeze  a  hollering: 

"Respected  ma,  don't  let  him  slip!  Pa  Muggles, 
break  up,  and  save  yourself  in  time!  'Taint  a  good 
time  of  year  to  die.  Too  hot!  Corpus  won't  look 
natral!  Save  him!  Somebody  on  ahead  there  save  my 
pa-in-law,  and  rescue  me  from  being  an  orfin." 

As  we  went  down  the  mountain  side,  the  fog  warn't 
quite  so  thick,  and  I  could  see  the  bald  pate  of  my 
adored  Muggles  bobbing  hither  and  thither  like  a  jack 
o'  lanturn,  and  I  could  see  that  the  poor  critter  was 
pritty  nigh  used  up.  His  pace  slackened,  he  stumbled 
from  side  to  side,  and  throwed  up  his  hands,  and  I 
heerd  him  cry  out: 

"Lord  save  me  from  her!"  and  then  he  disappeared 
altogether. 

" Good  land!"  sez  I,  "the  airth  has  opened  and  swal- 
lered  him  as  it  did  proud  Cory's  troop  in  Bible  times, 
and  again  I  am  a  lone  widder." 

"  Drat  him,"  sez  the  tallish  woman,  "  if  he's  died 
now  and  cheated  me  agin,  I'll  raise  Ned.  I  swan  I 
will!"  and  as  she  sed  the  words  she,  too,  disappeared. 

And  jest  as  I  was  a  going  to  shout  to  her  to  rub  his 
wrists  and  ondo  his  collar,  if  she'd  got  where  he  was, 
the  solid  airth  seemed  for  to  give  way  under  me,  and  I, 
also,  disappeared. 


CHAPTER   VIII. 

THE    TWIX    MOUXTA1X    HOUSE. 


WENT  down  and  down,  and  when  at  lust  I 
lit,  it  was  rite  on  top  of  that  woman,  and  she 
was  right  on  the  top  of  Muggles.  It  was 
hard  on  the  Rev.  Mr.,  but  he  bore  it  like  a  martyr. 

I  scrambled  out  of  the  place  as  soon  as  I  could,  for  I 
knowed  the  rest  of  the  family  would  soon  be  added  to 
the  pile.  And  so  they  was.  They  come  one  after  t'other 
so  fast  that  you  couldn't  count  'em,  yelling  like  young 
Injuns,  and  kicking  and  striking  out  in  all  directions. 
There  was  a  jumping-off  place  there,  and  Muggles  had 
hit  it,  and  so  had  the  rest  of  us. 

Seeze  and  Miss  Boles  come  over  last,  and  my  gra- 
cious! that  girl  had  told  me  she  was  only  twenty  years 
old,  and  I'll  be  hanged  if  when  she  cum  down  her  teeth 
didn't  cum  before  her,  and  a  bunch  of  hair  from  the 
top  of  her  head  as  big  as  a  dinner  plate,  and  left  her 
skulp  as  bare  and  shining  as  Muggles'! 

Oh,  the  ways  of  these  fashionable  women  is  mysteris, 
and  past  finding  out.  It  would  puzzle  a  lawyer  to  see 
through  'em. 

I  was  amazed,  for  though  I  wear  a  wig  myself,  and 
own  up  to  being  forty  year  old,  I  didn't  hardly  ixpt-ct 
that  a  woman  only  twenty  would  be  bald-headed. 


58        PA  TIENCE  PETTIGRE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

Mugglcs  was  a  setting  up  against  a  rock,  and  the 
sweat  stood  onto  his  forehead  in  great  drops,  and  in 
about  ekal  parts  with  the  Clean  Sweep.  The  two  was 
pritty  thoroughly  mixed. 

"Muggles,"  says  I,  "my  dear  man,  are  you  better? 
Was  it  a  fit?  Are  you  iised  to  having  'em?  Tell  your 
own  Patience,  dear." 

"His  Patience!"  screamed  the  aforesaid  tallish  wo- 
man. "What  do  you  mean,  you  old  Jezebel?" 

"Mean?"  sez  I.  "  What  do  you  mean ?  That's  more 
to  the  pint." 

"Mean?"  sez  she,  and  she  riz  up  and  brandished  her 
fists  at  me.  "  I'll  show  you  what  I  mean  if  you  lay  a 
finger  on  my  Muggles." 

"Your  Muggles!"  sez  I. 

"My  Muggles!"  sez  she. 

"Our  Muggles!"  sez  Seeze. 

"Our  pa  Muggles!"  sez  all  them  children,  gathering 
around  him,  and  seizing  one  a  leg,  and  another  an  arm, 
and  them  as  couldn't  get  hold  of  nothing  else,  grabbed 
him  by  the  coat-tails  and  imb raced  them. 

"  Muggier/'  sez  I,  "Rev.  Mr.,  explain  this  scene. 
Are  you,  or  are  you  not,  my  betroughed  spouse — the  in- 
tended pardner  of  the  bosom  of  Patience  Pettigrew, 
relict  of  the  late  lamented  Josiah?" 

"Muggles!  Moses  Muggles!"  sez  the  tallish  Avoman 
in  an  awful  voice,  "be  you  my  lawful  wedded  husband, 
and  the  parient  of  my  eleven  children,  or  be  you  not?" 

"I — I — guess  so,"  sez  Muggles,  iii  a  despairing 
voice. 


THE  TWIN  MOUNTAIN  HOUSE,  59 

"  Hooray!"  sez  Seeze,  throwing  up  his  hat.  "  Hooray 
for  my  pa-in-law  and  for  the  eleven  children!" 

"  Seezer  Augustus,"  sez  I,  "it  would  be  becoming 
in  you  to  keep  still." 

"  Muggles,"  sez  the  woman,  "what  do  you  mean  by 
this  extraordinary  line  of  conduct?  This  is  the  fifth 
time  within  six  months  that  you  have  deserted  me  and 
my  helpless  children,  and  now  I  find  you  in  company 
with  this  old  hag.  And  I  demand  an  explanation." 

"  Old  hag!"  sez  I.  "  May  I  inquire,  ma'am,  who  you 
mean  by  old  hag?" 

"I  mean  you,"  sez  she.  "Moses  is  allers  gallivanting 
after  some  woman,  but  you're  the  worst-looking  spici- 
men  I've  seen  him  with.  I  swan  to  man!  you  look  as 
if  you'd  been  picked,  and  singed,  and  drawed  through  a 
knot-hole." 

"  I'll  show  you  who'll  be  singed,"  sez  I,  for  I  was 
mad,  as  any  woman  would  have  been;  and  I  div  at  her, 
and  at  the  first  claw  I  peeled  her  head  and  knocked  four 
front  teeth  down  her  throat. 

"Go  it!"  sez  the  Kev.  Muggles,  recovering  himself 
and  setting  up  on  his  elbow.  "  Sail  in,  Patience,  she 
deserves  it.  Thrash  her  if  you  can.  The  Lord  knows 
she's  thrashed  me  often  enuff,  darn  her." 

"  Don't  indulge  in  profanity,  respected,  formerly  ex- 
pected pa-in-law,"  sez  Seeze. 

She  dived  at  me,  and  tore  my  gound,  and  raked  down 
my  face,  and  upsot  the  cupoly  of  false  braids  on  the  top 
of  my  head,  and  I  paid  her  back  with  interest.  And  all 
them  little  Muggleses  they  pitched  into  me  like  so  many 


60        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W ' S  PERPLEXITIES. 

small  dogs,  and  snarled,  and  kicked,  and  pinched,  and 
scratched  me,  and  made  life  uncumfortable  for  me 
gine  rally. 

"  Clear  the  deck  for  action,"  sez  Seeze;  "  bring  on  the 
sawdust.  Ma,  buckle  on  your  armor.  Mrs.  Muggles, 
take  courage.  Eev.  Mr.  Pa-in-law,  join  in  the  fight  and 
earn  some  of  the  glory." 

But  Muggles  gathered  himself  up  and  sot  sail  from  the 
spot,  and  about  half  of  them  children  follored  him,  and 
t'other  half  stayed  behint. 

Mrs.  Muggles  she  caved  in,  and  sot  down  suddintly, 
and  she  and  I  talked  it  over  and  agreed  to  be  friends. 
Muggles  had  been  a  dreadful  poor  husband  to  her,  and 
was  in  the  habit  of  running  away  every  week  or  two, 
and  she  had  the  family  to  support. 

And  after  I  had  heerd  her  story  I  was  glad  that  he  and 
I  couldn't  become  Eev.  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Muggles. 

I  returned  to  the  Summit  a  sadder  and  wiser  woman, 
and  so  did  Seeze. 

"  Ma,"  sez  he,  in  confidence,  "it's  my  opinion  that 
you  and  I  had  better  let  the  fellers  and  gals  alone  and 
attend  to  business." 

And  I  agreed  with  him;  but,  as  time  passed  on,  we 
both  found  out  that  it  is  easier  to  preach  some  things 
than  'tis  to  practice  'em. 

We  went  back  to  the  Glen  House  that  night,  and  the 
next  morning,  bright  and  airly,  we  hitched  up  Abe,  and 
mounting  that  cart  of  ours  sot  sail  for  the  Twin  Mountain 
House. 

In  due  time  we  reached  the  Twin  Mountain  House, 


THE  T  WIN  MO  UN  TA  IN  HO  USE. 


61 


and  Mr.  Barren  he  sed  he'd  no  doubt  but  we  should  be 
welcome  among  the  guests.  For  it  is  well  known  that 
if  the  dyspepsy  is  a  hanging  round  an  individooal,  noth- 
ing will  more  surely  and  sartinly  make  it  grab  onto  him 


than  living  at  one  of  the  White 
Mountain  hotels — and  that  Twin 
Mountain  House  is  responsible 
for  an  awful  site  of  stummuk 
difficulties  in  this  world.  For 
"MRS.  MUGGLES  SOT  DOWN  the  tables  there  fairly  groan  with 

8UDDINTLY,  AND  SHE  AND 

i  TALKED  IT  OVER."          gOOd  things,  and  folks  that  is  a 

trying  to  eat  the  worth  of  four  dollars  a  day,  groan  too. 

In  the  evening  I  went  out  to  set  on  the  piazza.    I  have 


62        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W '  S  PERPLEXITIES, 

seen  a  good  many  picters  of  Mr.  Butler,  and  as  no  two 
of  'em  ever  looked  alike  I  thought  one  man  was  as  likely 
to  be  him  as  another,  so  I  looked  round  on  the  company 
and  selected  him  out. 

He  was  a  fleshy  man,  and  was  reading  "  How  to  Be- 
come a  President,"  and  I  knowed  that  the  person  who 
could  undertake  that  must  have  the  patience  of  a  saint, 
so  I  went  rite  up  to  him  and  hild  out  my  hand,  and  sez  I: 

"How  do  you  do?    How's  the  hay  fever?" 

"  Hey?"  sez  he. 

' '  Yes,  hay,"  sez  I. 

"  Hey?"  sez  he,  louder  than  before. 

Deaf,  sez  I  to  myself.  Well,  no  wonder,  poor  man! 
So  I  yelled  at  the  top  of  my  voice: 

"  Yes,  hay!" 

And  all  the  people  come  rushing  out  a  wanting  to  know 
if  there  was  a  fire,  and  where  it  was,  and  still  I  kept  a 
yelling  "  hay,"  and  still  he  kept  a  yelling  "  hey." 


CHAPTER  IX. 

AUNT     PRISCILLT. 

HAT  on  airth  is  the  matter  with  you?"  sez  I 
to  him,  in  a  voice  that  might  have  raised  Mr. 
Kebudkernezzar  if  he'd  only  been  a  listening. 
"Have  you  been  struck  by  litening?  Fve  heern  sed 
that  sometimes  that  would  do  it!" 

"  My  good  woman,"  sez  one  of  them  stage  driver 
fellers  that  there  is  so  many  of  round  the  mountains, 
"  this  gentleman  is  deaf.  He  has  lately  come  from  the 
asylum  an  incurable.  If  you  want  to  communicate 
with  him,  write  on  his  slate." 

"  Write  on  a  cat's  fiddlestick!"  sez  I.  "I  hain't  so 
hard  up  to  speak  to  no  man  as  to  write  onto  a  slate  to 
do  it." 

The  stage-driver  laffed. 

"This  is  not  Mr.  Butler,"  sez  he.  "This  is  Mr. 
Brown,  of  Boston,  a  shoe  dealer." 

I  offered  Mr.  Brown  a  bottle  of  Clean  Sweep,  and  he 
oncorked  it,  and  smelt  of  it,  and  poured  out  a  handful, 
and  plastered  it  onto  his  hair,  and  it  stuck  it  down  as 
Spalding's  Prepaired  Glue  couldn't  have  done  it. 

"Great  invention,  ma'ani,"  sez  he.  "Great!  Better 
than  glycerine.  Better  even  than  lard.  Thank  you!" 
And  then  he  put  on  his  specks  and  went  back  to  his 
reading. 


64        PATIENCE  PETT1GREWS  PERPLEXITIES. 

The  people  round  there  seemed  to  be  disposed  to  laff 
at  me,  but  I  put  a  bold  front  on  things,  and  mounting 
one  of  the  stages  that  stood  at  the  door,  I  addressed  the 
ordinance: 

"  RESPECTED  LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN:  I've  made 
a  mistake,  as  you  see,  but  I  hain't  the  fust  one  as  has 
done  it,  and  'taint  likely  I  shall  be  the  last.  It's  the 
way  of  the  world  to  make  mistakes.  But  there's  no 
mistake  about  my  Clean  Sweep.  It'll  do  all  it  promises, 
and  more.  It  will  bild  you  up  a  story  higher  in  the 
world  than  you  ever  was  before.  It  will  recuperate  you 
from  an  old  woman  into  a  young  man." 

"Better  take  some  of  it  yourself,"  sung  out  an  im- 
perdent  voice  in  the  crowd. 

"  It  will  curl  your  hair,  and  make  your  cheeks  red, 
and  put  the  springs  of  health  into  you  till  you'll  feel 
like  a  new  spring  bedstead  that  hain't  never  been  slept 
onto.  Only  one  dollar  a  bottle!  Five  bottles  for  six 
dollars!" 

"  Six  bottles  for  five  dollars,"  sez  Seeze,  imperdently 
correcting  of  me. 

" Don't  conteradict  me!"  sez  I.  "I've  lived  in  the 
world  longer  than  you  have,  my  son." 

"I  ain't  a  going  to  dispute  that,"  sez  Seeze. 

"The  Clean  Sweep,"  I  continued,  "is  the  great  dis- 
covery of  the  age.  It  seems  to  be  a  pity  that  it  couldn't 
have  been  found  out  before.  It  would  have  saved  mill- 
ions of  lives.  Alexander  the  Great,  ahd  Herod,  and 
Peter,  and  Joan  of  Arc,  and  all  the  other  patriarchs 
might  have  been  living  to-day  if  they  could  have  had 


A  UNT  PR1SCILL  Y.  65 

the  Clean  Sweep.  To  the  discurraged  it  gives  new  life 
and  hope.  It  is  a  source  of  joy  to  the  down-hearted; 
and  them  lines  which  begins, 

"  '  I  have  sought  round  the  verdant  earth 
For  unfading  joy,' 

would  never  have  been  writ  if  their  author  had  only  had 
the  Clean  Sweep  in  the  house.  Napoleon  invented  rail- 
roads, Professor  Agassiz  harnessed  up  the  lightning  to 
kerry  letters  over  the  world,  George  Washington  in- 
vented hatchets,  and  I  disremember  who  invented 
steamboats,  but  it  was  left  to  Patience  Pettigrew,  rel- 
ict of  the  late  lamented  Josiah,  to  invent  the  Clean 
Sweep.  Walk  right  up,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  and  buy 
some." 

I  sold  fifteen  bottles  before  I  got  down  off  from  that 
stage,  and  I  heard  afterward  that  it  did  its  duty  well, 
for  the  tavern-keeper  sed  that  he  should  have  been  bet- 
ter off  to  have  bought  my  whole  cargo  and  pitched  it 
into  the  waste  heap  than  he  should  have  been  to  have 
let  me  sell  it  to  his  boarders  to  whet  up  their  appe- 
tights  to  such  a  rate. 

We  had  so  nigh  sold  out  our  stock  of  medicine  that  I 
thought  it  would  be  best  to  go  home  and  see  how  Aunt 
Priscilly  was  a  getting  along.  So  we  turned  Abe's  head 
homeward,  and  without  any  adventure  of  note,  we 
reached  Oyster  Bridge.  As  we  driv  up  the  door  flew 
open,  and  out  rushed  Priscilly,  with  an  old  table-cloth 
in  her  hand,  with  which  she  was  a  mopping  up  her 
tears,  and  she  was  a  screeching  so's  you  might  have 
heern  her  over  to  the  corner. 


66        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  "What's  the  matter?"  sez  I,  prepairing  for  to  climb 
down  out  of  the  waggin,  which  ain't  no  easy  job  for  a 
woman  as  has  her  overskirts  and  things  tied  back. 

"She's  gone,"  sez  she,  "and  took  the  heft  of  the 
bedding,  and  the  blue  chany  set,  and  the  clothes-wringer 
with  her." 

"  Gone?    Who's  gone?"  sez  I. 

"  Susan  'Lizabeth,  sez  she. 

"Where's  she  gone  to?"  sez  I. 

"  The  Lord  and  Tim  Scott  knows!"  sez  she. 

"Tim  Scott!"  sez  I.  "Gracious  deliverance!  what 
has  Tim  Scott  got  to  do  with  it?" 

And  I  fairly  danced  in  my  excitement,  for  Tim  Scott 
was  a  batcheldore  of  forty-two,  who  had  made  considder- 
able  love  to  me,  and  owned  the  best  team  and  the  nicest 
house  in  Oyster  Bridge.  And,  though  I  haven't  men- 
tioned the  fact  before  in  these  papers,  Tim  Scott  was  the 
man  that  I  had  allers  calkerlated  was  to  take  the  place 
made  vacant  by  the  decease  of  the  late  lamented  Josiah. 
I  had  firmly  intended  to  merry  Tim  whenever  I  got  the 
chance,  but  I  didn't  think  it  was  no  hurt  to  flirt  a  little 
afore  I  settled  down  into  a  stiddy  old  merried  woman. 

And  now  he  had  flowed  with  my  darter  Susan. 

Oh,  what  faith  could  anybody  put  in  men  folks? 

If  I  had  give  way  to  my  feelings  I  should  have  then 
and  there  ripped  the  puckerings  out  of  that  overskirt  of 
mine,  so's  to  have  allowed  of  my  setting  on  the  ground, 
and  I  should  have  cried  till  the  cows  come  home,  but  I 
didn't  do  it.  I  was  mad  clean  through. 

"  How  long  have  they  been  gone?"  sez  I. 


AS  WE  DRIV  UP  THE  DOOR  FLEW  OPEN,  AND  OUT  RUSHED  PRISCILT  Y 
W1T1I  AN  OLD  TABLE-CLOTH  IN  JIEK  HAND." 


G8        PATIENCE  PETTIGREW'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  About  two  hours,  drat  'em,"  SQZ  she,  shaking  her 
fist  at  the  air. 

"  Why,  Aunt  Priscilly,"  sex  I,  "  what  makes  you  take 
it  so  to  heart?" 

"Take  it  to  heart,  indeed,"  sez  she.  "I  wonder  who 
has  a  better  right,  and  that  mean,  wicked,  desatef  ul,  on- 
regenerated  son  of  onrighteousness  ingaged  to  me  all  the 
time." 

And  she  clapped  her  wrinkled  hands  up  to  her  wizened 
old  face  and  bust  into  tears. 

And  I  busted,  too,  out  of  sympathy. 


CHAPTER   X. 

THE    ELOPEMENT. 

IVE  ME  your  hand,  Priscilly,"  sez  I,  "tor  it 
seems  we  are  both  into  the  same  boat  in  this 
bizzeness,  for  I  had  ixpected  to  marry  Tim 
Scott,  and  you  had  ixpected  to  marry  Tim  Scott,  and 
the  Lord  knows  who  else  ixpected  to  marry  Tim  Scott, 
and  Tim  Scott  has  flowed  with  my  darter  Susan;  and 
she,  desateful,  two-faced  little  hippercrit,  a  telling  of  me 
when  I  left  home  not  to  git  to  flirting  with  nobody,  and 
to  stay  away  as  long  as  ever  I  wanted  to.  If  I  had  holt 
of  her,"  sez  I,  "  I'd  shake  her  till  she'd  wish  that  she, 
and  Tim  Scott,  too,  had  never  been  borned." 

"  So  would  I/'  sez  Aunt  Priscilly;  "  and  wuss,  too,  I'd 
make  'em  wish  nobody'd  ever  been  born,  or  thought  of 
being.  It's  enuff  to  try  any  woman's  patience,  and  make 
her  lose  her  faith  in  an  overruling  Providence,  to  live 
fifty  year  in  this  vale  of  tears  a  looking  for  a  pardner, 
and  then  having  jest  found  him.  to  have  a  girl  like  Susan 
'Lizabeth  Pettigrew  alope  with  him  from  under  her  very 
nose,"  and  she  put  the  table-cloth  up  to  her  nose  and 
begun  to  snivel  agin. 

"Why,  Aunt  Priscilly,"  sez  I,  "I  thought  you  was 
only  thirty-six  year  old.  That's  all  you  own  up  to." 

'•'  I  don't  keer  who  knows  that  I'm  fifty-one,"  sez  she. 
with  a  contemptuous  snort;  "and  I'm  a  good  mind  i. 


70        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE IV ' S  PERPLEXITIES. 

burn  my  false  hair,  and  never  paint,  nor  powder,  nor 
nothing  else  agin.  I  am,  boo,  boo,  boo,  boo!"  and  she 
bent  buck  and  forth  till  the  strings  of  her  overskirt  bust, 
and  the  puckerings  cum  out,  and  left  her  as  flat  behind 
as  'tis  the  fashion  to  be  in  front. 

"There,  there,  Priscilly!"  sez  I,  "don't  take  on  so. 
There's  as  good  fish  in  the  sea  as  ever  was  ketched " 

"  But  who's  a  going  to  ketch  'em  ?  That's  the  trouble, " 
sez  she,  between  her  sobs;  "and  they  won't  stay  ketched 
Avhen  there's  any  giggling,  empty-headed  young  gals 
round,  drat  'em!" 

"Don't  use  no  swearing  words,  Priscilly,"  sez  I. 
"  Parson  Prime  wouldn't  let  you  lead  the  female  prayer 
meeting  any  more,  if  he  should  hear  you." 

"Parson  Prime  and  the  prayer  meeting,  too,  may  go 
to  the  pigs,  for  what  I  keer,"  sez  Priscilly,  with  an  angry 
blow  of  her  nose  on  the  table-cloth.  "  I'm  dun  with  this 
world." 

"No,  no!"  sez  I,  "never  say  die.  We'll  f oiler  the 
fugertives  together,  Priscilly,  and  we'll  stop  the  wedding 
or  perish  in  the  attempt.  Come  on,"  and  I  clim  into 
the  waggin,  and  Priscilly  follered  me,  bareheaded,  and 
with  the  table-cloth  a  swinging  behind  her. 

"  Give  my  best  respect  to  Mrs.  Sister  Tim,"  sez  Seeze, 
lifting  his  hat  as  we  driv  off. 

Priscilly  told  me  as  we  rid  along  that  they  had  been 
gone  about  an  hour;  that  they  went  in  Scott's  two-hoss 
wagon,  with  the  bedding  and  things  in  behind,  and  that 
they  was  headed  toward  Turniptown,  which  is  the  largest 
town  in  our  vicinity.  \ 


THE  ELOPEMENT.  71 

They'd  have  to  git  a  license,  arid,  a  minister,  and  the 
use  of  a  church;  for  time  and  agin  had  I  heerd  Tim  say 
that  he'd  never  be  married  iiowheres  but  into  a  church, 
and  I  calkerlated  it  would  all  delay  'em  time  enuff  for  us 
to  ketch  up  with  'em,  if  Abe  didn't  go  for  to  having 
more  of  his  tantrums. 

I  hild  the  reins,  and  Priscilly  laid  on  the  whip,  and 
the  way  we  spun  along  made  the  astonished  Oyster 
Bridge  folks  run  to  the  winders,  and  gaze  at  us  with 
their  under  jaws  dropping  and  wonder  in  their  eyes. 

About  half  a  mile  from  Turniptown  Abe  cum  to  a 
dead  halt,  and  shaking  his  head  and  tail  he  remarked 
as  plainly  as  a  hoss  could  remark  that  he  Avarn't  a  going 
to  travel  any  further  on  that  line.  He  wanted  to  change 
cars,  or  stop  ten  minutes  for  refreshments,  or  something 
of  that  kind. 

But  there  wasn't  no  time  to  bother. 

I  got  out  of  the  wagon  on  one  side,  and  Prisciliy  she 
got  out  on  t'other,  and  we  both  started  out  in  the  direc- 
tion of  Turniptown  at  a  brief  trot.  And  Abe,  being 
allers  on  the  contrary  side,  evidently  thought  from  our 
-running  that  we  was  a  trying  to  git  away  from  him,  and 
he  sot  up  his  head  and  heels,  and  with  a  loud  snort  took 
the  inside  track  and  went  by  us  in  a  cloud  of  dust. 

By  the  time  we  reached  the  town  we  was  both  of  us 
pritty  nigh  done  for,  and  the  sweat  was  a  pouring  down 
my  face  in  a  stream,  and  Priscilly's  paint  and  powder 
was  washed  off  in  streaks,  and  her  face  looked  like  a 
piece  of  striped  pink  calico  that  warn't  stamped  parfict. 

There  was  only  one  church  in  Turniptown,  and  we 


72        PA  TIE  NCR  PE  T  TIG  RE  W '  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

made  for  that.  There  was  some  kerridges  round  the 
door,  and  people  a  standing  there.  We  warn't  too  late. 
The  marriage  was  a  going  on. 

"Won't  I  tear  his  very  eyes  out  of  his  head!"  sez 
Priscilly. 

"Won't  I  teach  Susan  'Lizabeth  Pettigrew  the  differ- 
ence between  scat  and  shoo  when  I  git  holt  of  her!"  sez 
I  savagely  to  myself. 

"Is  it  begun?"  sez  I  to  a  sollum-faced  man  that  stood 
in  the  entry,  and  Avho  was,  I  s'pose,  the  sextant.     Sex- 
tants allers  have  very  sollum  faces. 
.     "  Hush!"  sez  he.     "  Don't  speak  so  loud." 

"Is  it  begun?  I  asked  you,"  sez  I,  beginning  to  feel 
my  temper  rise. 

"Just  beginning,"  sez  he.     "  Have  you  a  ticket?" 

"  Darn  the  ticket,"  sez  I.  "  Stand  aside  and  let  me 
pass.  Me  and  Priscilly.  We'll  put  a  stop  to  purseed- 
ings.  We'll  show  'em  how  to  alope  and  kerry  the  heft 
of  the  bedding.  We'll— 

"  My  good  woman !"  sez  the  sextant,  "don't  git  ix- 
cited.  You  shall  go  in,  if  you'll  promise  not  to  be 
noisy.  Crazy  as  a  bedbug,"  sez  he  aside  to  himself. 

I  rushed  in,  and  Priscilly  rushed  in,  and  I  seed  a  lot 
of  folks  around  the  pulpit,  and  concluded  they  was  just 
a  doing  the  job.  The  church  was  dark,  as  it  is  fashion- 
able to  have  churches,  and  you  couldn't  see  more'n  an 
inch  afore  your  nose. 

"Stop!"  yelled  I.  "Stop  rite  where  you  be,  elder. 
It  can't  go  on.  I  might  have  overlooked  it  if  they 
hadn't  took  the  bedding  and  the  blue  chany,  but  now,  I 
vow  to  man,  if  ever  I  overlook  that  fust  thing," 


74         PATIENCE  PETTIGREWS  PERPLEXITIES. 

"And  ho  was  ingaged  to  me.  The  mean.,  desateful, 
Janus-faced  old  scallawag,"  screeched  Priscilly.  "And 
lie  told  me  I  was  the  pink  and  the  beauty  of  Oyster 
Bridge,,  and  he  borrowed'  five  hundred  dollars  of  me  to 
buy  neAV  furniture  for  his  house  aginst  we  sot  up.  Drat 
him." 

"Woman!"  sez  the  minister,  in  a  dreadful  tone. 
"Do — you — know — where  you  are?" 

"  "We're  to  Tim  Scott's  wedding  that  sot  out  to  be, 
but  ain't  agoing  to  be/'  sez  we  both  in  chorius. 

"You  are  very  much  mistaken/'  sez  the  minister, 
solemnly,  "  and  may  the  Lord  have  mercy  upon  your 
onregerate  spirits.  You  are  disturbing  a  funeral." 

And,  gracious  me!  Cum  to  take  a  secont  look,  the 
people  that  I'd  took  for  a  wedding  group  was  a  standing 
round  a  coffin,  and  when  I  seed  how  things  was,  you 
might  have  knocked  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the 
late  Josiah,  down  with  a  feather. 


CHAPTEK  XI. 

.SQUIRE     PILKINS. 

STOOD  transfiggered,  for  I've  been  a  mourner 
myself,  and  know  how  it  is.  Nobody's  crape 
was  any  deeper  round  the  bottom  of  their 
gound  than  mine  was  when  I  first  lost  Josiah — nobody's. 

"Ixcuse  me,  my  friends,"  sez  I.  "Tongue  cannot 
tell  how  sorry  I  am  for  this  little  onpleasantness.  May 
I  inquire  if  it  is  a  husband  or  wife?" 

"Neither,"  sez  the  minister,  severely,  as  if  he  was 
mad  with  me  for  asking  questions.  "  It  is  a  batchel- 
dore." 

"  Like  Tim  Scott,  drat  him,"  sez  Priscilly  in  an  under- 
tone. I  drawed  her  away,  and  left  the  place  in  haste, 
and  I  must  say  that  there  warn't  one  of  them  mourners 
so  much  ingaged  in  crying  that  they  didn't  take  down 
their  handkerchers  and  gawk  at  us  as  we  passed  out.  I 
like  to  see  folks  have  some  mourners  at  funerals,  even  if 
it  is  that  of  a  batcheldore — I  do. 

We  passed  out  into  the  street,  and  right  acrost  I  seed 
Abe  turned  up  to  a  fence  eating  a  lielock  bush  in  some- 
body's frunt  yard.  He  had  kicked  in  the  dash-board  of 
the  wagon,  but  otherwise  everything  was  in  good  repair. 

I  hitched  him,  and  we  purseeded  on  foot  to  the  office 
of  the  only  squire  in  the  place.  Squire  Pilkins  was  jest 
looking  ovei  some  money  as  we  entered,  and  his  fat  face 
was  as  round  and  healthy  as  the  full  moon. 


76        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W  '5  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  Anybody  been  here  this  morning  to  be  married?** 
sez  I. 

"  Just  gone,"  sez  he.  "I  fixed  'em  np  in  short  order. 
They  was  in  a  hurry.  Going  to  New  York  onto  a  bridl* 
tour." 

"  Old  man  and  young  woman?"  sez  I. 

"  Rather  oldish;  name  Timothy  Scott." 

" 'Tis  him,"  screeched  Priscilly.  "There's  no  help 
for  me.  I  must  stay  a  Sharp  forever.  The  Lord  has 
forsook  me!"  and  she  oiidid  the  tablecloth,  and  begun 
for  to  blow  her  nose  and  take  on. 

"Gracious  Peter!"  sez  the  squire,  "what's  the  matter 
with  her  ?  Fits,  eh  ?  Have  'em  often  ?  See  if  this  won't 
restore  her?"  and  he  grabbed  up  a  bottle  from  the  table, 
and  let  fly  the  contents  all  over  her. 

And  it  was  ink  that  was  into  the  bottle,  and  blue  ink 
at  that,  and  you'd  ort  to  have  seed  Priscilly.  She  was  a 
sight  to  behold. 

"  Bless  my  soul  and  body!"  sez  the  squire,  "  I  thought 
it  was  cologne  was  in  that  bottle,  I  swan  I  did.  I'll  eat 
my  own  head  off,  marm,  if  that  ain't  the  sollum  truth." 

"It  would  be  a  small  job  to  eat  it.  It  is  already 
skinned,"  sez  I,  for  there  warn't  no  hair  onto  it  worth 
mentioning;  "  but  what's  did  can't  be  helped.  I  dare 
say  you  meant  well,  and  I'll  leave  her  here  for  you  to 
scour  her  up  while  I  go  after  the  alopers." 

And  I  took  a  bee  line  for  the  depot. 

I  was  jest  in  season.  The  railroad  was  pritty  nigh 
reddy  to  go  out.  I  seed  Tim  Scott  on  the  platform  a 
ordering  about  some  baggage,  and  a  rbse  slkdk  rrtto'  his 


SQUIRE.  P1LKINS.  7? 

button-hole.  And  waiting  for  him  on  tother  eend  of 
the  platform  was  Susan  'Lizabeth,  and  I'll  die  if  that 
critter  hadn't  got  my  best  purple  silk  gound  made  into 
an  overskirt,  which  she  was  a  wearing  over  the  skirt  of 
my  black  cashmere  as  had  the  widest  crape  on  it,  only 
the  crape  was  ripped  off,  and  ruffles  put  on  instid. 

I  had  jest  had  time  to  see  so  much  when  the  bell 
rung,  and  Susan  'Lizabeth  clim  onto  the  cars.  Tim 
he  run  after  her,  and  grabbed  the  rod  atween  the  cars, 
but  I  was  to  his  heels,  and  jest  as  he  was  about  to 
swing  himself  onto  'em,  I  grabbed  him  by  the  coat 
tails,  and  hild  on  like  the  toothache  to  an  aged  nigger. 

'You  vile  wretch!"  sez  I;  te you'd  ort  to  be  kerwol- 
loped  from  here  to  the  middle  of  next  month!  Going 
round  a  deceiving  disconsolate  widders  and  old  maids, 
and  eloping  with  giggling  young  gals  with  their  mother's 
gounds  on." 

"Hang  to  him!"  sez  a  sharp  female  voice  behind  me; 
" hang  to  him  till  I  git  there!"  and  I  seed  a  short,  thick- 
set woman,  followed  by  two  leanish  girls,  all  a  coming 
down  the  platform  at  full  speed. 

"Goodness  me!"  sez  I,  "has  he  promised  to  marry 
any  of  you?" 

"  All  of  us,"  sez  the  fat  female,  "and  seven  or  eight 
more  that  are  coming  behind.  Promising  man  he  is." 

The  cars  started  with  a  jerk,  and  Scott  he  give  a 
lurch  forrud,  which  tore  them  coat  tails  clean  acrost, 
and  left  'em  in  my  hands. 

And  afore  I  could  make  a  grab  at  anything  else  in 
the  Tim  Scott  line,  them  cars  had  shot  ahead,  and  was 


78        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

a  disappearing  in  the  distance  iu  a  cloud  of  smoke  and 
dust. 

He  had  got  the  better  of  me,  and  gone,  but  what 
pleasure  there  can  be  in  starting  out  onto  a  bridle  tour 
with  no  coat  tails  on  yer  body,  I  cannot  imagine.  But 
I  'spose  the  love  of  Susan  'Lizabeth  made  amends  to 
him  for  his  loss. 

I  stopped  and  had  some  conversation  with  the  troop 
of  women  folks  that  had  come  to  help  me  stop  Tim  on 
his  bridle  journey,  and  they  tore'  them  coat  tails  of 
his'n  all  to  pieces  and  stamped  onto  'em!  I  stamped 
some,  too. 

Then  we  all  rejourned  to  Pike's  ice-cream  saloon,  and 
sent  for  Priscilly,  and  had  an  oyster  supper.  There's 
nothing  like  something  to  eat  to  cool  down  one's  angry 
passions. 

It  was  a  pitiful  case  all  round,  and  we  sympathized 
with  one  "tother,  and  told  our  stories  all  round,  and 
eat  two  bowls  of  oysters  apiece,  and  felt  more  cum- 
posed. 

Priscilly  didn't  come  so  soon  as  I  ixpected  her,  and  I 
went  over  to  the  squire's  to  see  if  the  ink  warn't  a'most 
off  from  her. 

The  sight  that  met  my  eyes  as  I  opened  that  office 
door  quite  dumfounded  me.  I  thought  I  had  knowed 
sumthin'  about  human  natur  before,  but  I  found  out  I 
didn't. 

There  stood  the  squire  with  his  arm  round  Priscilly, 
and  she  was  a  leaning  her  head  onto  his  shoulder,  and 
he  was  a  wiping  away  the  blue  ink  and  tears  with  that 


SQUIRE  PILKINS.  71) 

table-cloth  which  was  sopping  wet,  and  a  sight  to  be 
seen,  and  would  never  be  fit  for  Anything  agin:  not  even 
dish  cloths. 

"  Priscilly  Sharp/'  sez  I  sharp- 
ly,   '-'what    011    airth   does   this 


"THERE  STOOD  THE  SQUIRE  WITH  HIS  ARM  ROUND  PRISCILI/V,  AND  SHK 
WAS  LEAKING  HER  HEAD  ONTO  HIS  SHOULDER." 

mean?     Are  yon  beside  yerself,  and  Mrs.  Squire  Pilkins 
only  berried  last  week." 

"Gracious  Peter/"  sez  the  squire,  dropping  her  as  if 


80        PA  TIENCE  PR  TTtGRE  W"  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

she  had  been  a  hot  pertator,  "how  do  you  do,  Mrs.  Pet- 
tigrew?" 

"I'm  well  enuff,"  sez  I,  snappish  as  could  be,  for 
though  I  shouldn't  like  to  own  it  to  everybody,  I  don't 
mind  telling  you  that  I  was  pervoked  to  find  that  the 
squire  had  preferred  comforting  that  old  maid  instead 
of  me.  Xo  female  Avoman  lives  that  likes  to  see  an- 
other chosen  afore  herself,  even  if  she  don't  keer  a  red 
cent  about  the  man. 

"  The  Lord  hain't  quite  forgot  me/'  sez  Priscilly, 
squozing  my  hand,  and  as  I  led  her  off  I  heerd  her  say 
to  the  squire: 

"You'll  be  there  Sunday  evening?" 

And  he  sez: 

"  Yes,  Priscilly." 

I  took  Priscilly  to  the  saloon,  and  interduced  her  to 
the  women  as  a  sister  in  affliction,  but  she  was  so  sot 
up  with  the  squire  that  she  had  no  appetight.  After  a 
little  more  sympathizing  talk  we  broke  up,  and  each 
and  all  swore  sollumly  that  we'd  never  have  nothing 
more  to  do  with  the  men  sect  as  long  as  we  lived,  un- 
less— we  changed  our  minds. 


CHAPTEK  XII. 

ALMIKY    JANE    SPLICEE. 

EISCILLY  Avas  so  full  of  glory  all  the  way 
home  that  the  airth  warn't  more'n  half  big 
enuff  to  contain  her;  and  as  for  her  cossets, 
she  bust  the  strings  of  them  right  in  two  the  very  fust 
time  Abe  struck  into  a  sperited  decanter. 

I  was  ashamed  of  her.  I  declare,  it  would  require 
the  intentions  of  more  than  one  old  bald-headed  Squire 
Pilkins  to  transport  me  to  such  a  degree.  But  then  I 
have  been  married  and  Priscilly  hain't.  When  any- 
body's been  through  the  mill  they  hain't  quite  so 
anxious  as  they  would  be  if  they  hadn't  been. 

"  Such  a  handsome  man!"  sez  Priscilly.  "  So  portly! 
And  I  allers  did  hate  little  men.  A  large,  portly  man, 
that  holds  his  head  well  up,  is  the  man  for  me." 

"Squire  Pilkins  looks  like  a  swell-frunt  house  and  a 
bay  window  throwed  in,"  sez  I.  "For  my  part,  I 
shouldn't  want  to  be  tied  to  a  fatted  hog." 

"You're  jellus,  Patience  Pettigrew,"  sez  she,  "jellus 
as  you  can  be.  You'd  snap  at  the  squire  yerself,  bay 
window  and  all." 

"  He's  got  eight  children,"  sez  I.  "  Youll  be  mar- 
in-law  to  quite  a  family,  Priscilly.  Only  think  of  an 
old  maid's  being  the  ma  of  eight  children." 


82        PA  TIENCE  PE  T  TIGRE  W '  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  Tim  Scott  never  began  to  be  tender  and  delikit  like 
as  the  squire  is,"  sez  Priscilly,  musingly.  "And  Tim  is 
dreadful  stingy.  All  the  present  he  ever  made  me  in 
the  world  was  three  cents'  worth  of  peanuts,  and  he  eat 
full  half  of  them  himself,  drat  him.  But  the  squire 
give  me  two  sticks  of  lemon  candy,  and  some  pepper- 
mints, and  a  piece  of  chewing  gum,  and  a  button-hook, 
and  a  bottle  of  cologne — so  quick.  What  he'll  give  me 
when  we  git  better  acquainted  remains  to  be  seen." 

And  then  she  didn't  talk  to  me  any  more,  but  sung 
softly  to  herself,  in  a  dreadful,  cracked,  piping  voice: 

"  I'm  dreaming,  dreaming,  dream ing. 

Love,  of  the e." 

When  we  reached  our  house,  what  should  I  behold 
but  Almiry  Jane  Splicer  a  setting  onto  the  frunt  steps, 
with  her  knittin'  work  in  her  hand,  cum  to  make  a 
visit.  She'd  heern  of  Susan  'Lizabeth's  alopement,  and 
if  there's  anything  Almiry  Jane  injoys,  it's  to  hang 
round  and  torment  folk's  that's  in  trouble. 

She  run  out  toward  us  and  flung  her  arms  round  me, 
and  her  knittin'  work  streamed  out  behind  her  for  a 
rod  or  two;  and  Lion,  our  dog,  he  grabbed  it,  and  shook 
the  needles  out  of  it,  and  tore  it  all  to  ravelings.  I  ix- 
pect  he  thought  'twas  a  woodchuck.  He's  grate  on 
woodchucks. 

"Oh,  my  poor,  dear  Patience!"  sez  she,  "my  heart 
aches  for  you,  and  mine  eyes  could  weep  tears  of  blood 
for  you  in  your  sore  affliction." 

"There,  Almiry  Jane,"  sez  I,  "don't  take  on.  I 
hain't  in  no  affliction  that  I  know  of." 


ALMIRY  JANE  SPLICER.  83 

"You  hain't?"  sez  she.  "Why,  hain't  it  true  that 
Susan  'Lizabeth  has  run  away  with  Tim  Scott?" 

"It's  true  that  my  darter's  married  to  the  richest  man 
in  town,"  sez  I,  "and  I'd  ort  to  feel  proud  of  it." 

"Lawful  sakes!"  sez  she,  "what  airs  we  do  put  on. 
Wall,  all  I  can  say  is  folks  is  a  talking  dreadfully  about 
it;  and  they  say  that  you,  and  Priscilly  Sharp,  and  a 
dozen  other  women  ixpected  to  marry  him,  and  are 
breaking  your  hearts  about  his  awful  conduct.  And 
they  do  say  that  Susan  'Lizabeth  don't  know  how  to 
make  a  loaf  of  bred;  and  as  for  pies  and  cakes,  she 
hain't  no  more  idea  of  how  they're  put  together  than  a 
wild  Injun." 

"  That's  a  lie!"  sez  I,  beginning  for  to  git  mad. 

"  What?"  sez  she,  her  face  firing  up. 

"  I  said  it  plain,"  sez  I.     "  It's  a  lie!" 

"  Right  to  my  face?"  sez  she. 

"  Right  to  your  face,  or  your  back,  either,"  sez  I. 

"You  old,  mean,  slandering  huzzy,  you!"  sez  she. 
"You  old  bitters  biler!  You  old  Clean  Sweeper!"  and 
she  made  a  pass  at  me  with  her  perrysol  which  just 
grazed  my  shinyon,  but  broke  my  new  three-dollar  comb 
all  to  flinders. 

That  made  me  mad,  and  I  clinched  her,  and  she 
clinched  me,  and  we  went  round  and  round  like  two 
fighting  roosters  for  quite  a  spell,  or  calling  one  t'other 
names  that  ain't  perlite  to  write  down;  and  Priscilly  she 
stood  over  us  and  flourished  a  branch  of  the  lielock 
bush,  and  kept  a  telling  us  if  we  didn't  stop  she'd 
strike. 


84         PATIENCE  PETTIGREW'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

Almiry  Jane  tore  the  muffler  off  from  the  neck  of  my 
gound,  which  was  pleated  in  side  pleats,  and  had  several 
yards  of  ribbon  and  lace  mixed  in.  It  was  the  best 
setting  muffler  that  ever  I  seed,  and  when  I  had  it  on, 
with  some  lace  frilling  basted  m  underneath  it,  you'd 
never  mistrust  that  I  had  enny  neck  at  all.  You'd  have 
thought  my  head  was  sot  into  and  growed  rite  out  of 
them  pleatings. 

When  I  heerd  that  are  muffler  a  ripping,  and  seed  the 
tatters  thereof  a  waving  in  the  breeze,  my  angry  pas- 
sions riz,  and  I  made  a  grab  at  Almiry  Jane's  bustle, 
which  stuck  out  a  couple  of  feet,  and  was  all  shirred 
and  puckered  and  bowed  up  the  awfullest. 

At  the  fust  claw  the  air  was  filled  with  fragments  of 
newspapers,  and  my  front  yard  'peered  as  if  a  tin 
peddler  had  been  shipwrecked  thereabouts. 

Lion,  he's  a  dreadful  sassy,  meddlesome  dog,  and 
he  jined  in  the  fight,  barking  and  snapping  fust  at 
Almiry  Jane's  gound  skirts,  and  then  at  mine.  Once 
in  a  while  he'd  bite  out  a  mouthful  and  heave  it  down, 
and  then  he'd  watch  his  chance  for  another  bite. 

I  hollered  to  my  youngest  son,  Thomas  Didemus 
Xerxes,  to  grab  a  bean-pole  and  hit  him  a  lick,  and  he 
obeyed,  and  down  cum  the  pole  against  my  back  and 
nigh  about  busted  my  spinal  marrow  clean  in  two. 

Thomas  Didemus  is  a  grate  hand,  when  he  does  any- 
thing, to  do  it  thorough.  He'll  make  his  mark  yet,  I 
reckon. 

As  we  was  turning  round  there  we  got  considerable 
off  from  the  original  battle-ground,  and  by  the  time  I'd 


ALMIRY  JANE  SPLICER.  So 

busted  up  her  bustle  and  things,  and  she'd  tore  the  hair 
all  off  from  my  head,  and  her  false  teeth  was  a  lying  in 


"  THE  FIRST  THING  WE  KNOWED,  OVER   WE  WENT   RITE  INTO  THE  BIT.EK 
OF  ROOTS  AND  YARBS." 

amongst   the  pinks   and   pansies   in  Susan    'Lizabeth's 
flower-bed,  we  had  worked  round  toward  the  eend  of 


86        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W '  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

the  bouse  where  there  is  a  bank  Avail  three  or  four  feet 
high,  and  right  down  underneath  it  is  the  great  biler, 
that'll  hold  hold  two  hogsits,  where  I  bile  the  ingre- 
giances  of  my  Clean  Sweep. 

I  didn't  notice,  and  Almiry  Jane  didn't  know  we  had 
got  so  nigh  the  edge  of  the  wall,  and  the  fust  thing 
we  knowed  over  we  went  rite  into  the  biler  ol 
roots  and  yarbs,  and  it  was  full  of  water  to  the  brim; 
and,  my  goodness  me!  we  went  in  all  over,  and  great 
was  the  sousing  thereof. 

"Lord  of  heavens!"  said  Priscilly,  "they're  dead 
now!"  and  she  sot  out  on  the  run,  yelling  murder  like  a 
crazy  woman. 

And  jest  at  that  minnit,  up  rid  Parson  Prime  on  his 
sorrel  mare,  and  never  shall  I  forgit  the  ixpression  of 
his  face  as  he  looked  over  the  wall  and  seed  us. 

"Why,  Sister  Pettigrew,"  sez  he,  "I  allers  thought 
you  was  a  Congregationaller,  but  if  this  hain't  baptism 
by  immersion,  then  I'm  beat." 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

AK   INFARNAL   MACHINE. 

ARSON,"  sez  I,  "  there  iz  times  when  a  body 
can't  choose  what'll  they'll  be!  My  religious 
senterments  is  onchanged;  they  are — "  but 
my  theology  warn't  ixplained  at  that  time,  for  jest  then 
Almiry  Jane  fetched  a  kerwollop  that  sent  me  down  to 
the  bottom  of  that  biler,  and  I  had  my  hands  full  with 
trying  to  trip  her  imderstandings  out  from  beneath  her 
so's  I  could  climb  up  on  the  top  side  of  her. 

"My  good  Christian  sisters,"  sez  the  parson,  "come 
out  of  that!  You'll  take  cold;  and  besides,  it  don't  look 
well  for  members  of  the  church  to  cut  up  such  kerdidoes 
as  you  be  a  cutting  up !  Come  out  of  that  I" 

"  That  is  easier  sed  than  done!"  sez  I;  "  I  wonder  how 
I'm  a  goine  to  set  myself  free,  with  this  old  Jezerbel  a 
hanging  onto  my  lower  timbers,  and  the  sides  of  this 
biler  so  consarned  slippery!" 

"It  never  shall  be  sed  that  I  refused  to  lend  a  helping 
hand  to  a  feller-mortal  in  distress!"  sez  the  parson,  get- 
ting down  from  his  sorrel  mare,  and  climbing  onto  the 
edge  of  that  bank  wall  he  hild  out  both  of  his  hands. 

I  made  a  dive  for  one  of  'em,  and  Almiry  Jane  grabbed 
at  the  other,  and  the  parson  lost  his  equalabraham,  and 
down  he  cum  into  the  biler  head  fustest;  and  by  this 
time  that  biler  was  slopping  over,  and  it  was  pritty  nigh 


PATIENCE  PETTIGREW'S  PERPLEXITIES. 


full  of  the  respectable  inhabitants  of  the  rooral  village  of 
Oyster  Bridge. 


"  Gehominy     Jorum!"     cried 
Seeze,  just  then  appearing  into  to 
the  scene,  "  I've  lived  to  see  some- 
thing worth  telling  to  my  grand- 
i  MADK  A  DESPRIT  EFFORT  children  !   Hooray  !    Cesar  Aug\is- 

^  tus,  you  were  not  born  in  vain! 
,T  i        f      -n  i 

No,  my  boy!  For  you  have  seen 
an  orthordox  minister  baptized,  with  a  sister  on  each 
side  of  him!" 

"  Seeze  Pettigrew  I"  sez  I,  "  if  you  don't  shetup  your 
sass  I'll  wallup  you,  if  you  are  big  enuff  to  go  a  courting 


ANDo  mo  T 
AND  ALMIRY  JANE. 


AN  INFARNAL  MACHINE.  80 

and  stay  till  twelve  o'clock !  I  swear  I  will !"  and  I  made 
a  desprit  effort  to  git  out  of  the  biler,  and  so  did  the  par- 
son, and  Almiry  Jane  was  a  grabbing  at  the  lower  limbs 
of  both  of  us  olternitly,  and  all  together  we  managed  to 
upset  the  biler  and  run  out,  and  most  of  that  Clean  Sweep 
along  with  us! 

And  when  I  seed  that  precious  stuff  a  running,,  I 
could  have  shed  tears,  for  I'd  kalkerlated  that,  being  as 
we  was  all  pious  folks,  we  shouldn't  do  it  any  hurt,  and 
that  I  should  bile  it  off,  and  bottle  it  up  jest  the  same  a.s 
though  nothing  had  happened. 

But  now,  alas!  the  most  of  it  was  lost,  and  I  was  full 
'twenty  dollars  out. 

Such  a  spluttering,  and  blowing,  and  puffing  as  there 
was  with  us  all!  Almiry  took  it  the  hardest,  and  laid 
on  the  grass  panting  for  breath  like  a  catfish  that  has 
been  out  of  the  water  for  a  couple  of  days;  and  as  for 
the  parson,  I  guess  he  was  the  limpest  man  you  ever  sot 
eyes  onto! 

"It's  a  judgment  on  me  for  my  pride  and  vanity!" 
sez  he,  "  for  I  did  start  out  from  home  this  morning 
feeling  a  sinful  pride  in  the  fit  of  these  new  pantaloons! 
I  never  had  a  pair  in  my  life  which  filled  my  eyes,  and 
fitted  my  legs,  so  well  as  these!  I  am  punished!  I 
told  Mrs.  Prime  this  morning  that  in  these  pantaloons 
I  could  hardly  recognize  my  own  nether  extremities, 
and  Mrs.  Prime  quoted  Scripture — she  has  the  Bible  at 
her  tongue's  end — and  says  she:  '  Jeremiah,  pride  go- 
eth  before  destruction,  and  a  haughty  spirit  before  a 
fall/  " 


90        -PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE IV  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

I  got  up,  and  shook  myself,  and  felt  better.  The 
Clean  Sweep  is  a  wonderful  medercin  taken  in  yer  in- 
nards, and  I've  no  doubt  but  it's  jest  as  good  on  yer 
outards,  if  they're  anyways  out  of  kilter. 

And  it  grieved  me  to  the  heart  to  think  how  much  of 
it  had  been  waisted  in  that  biler  catastrophe. 

As  it  was,  I  wrung  out  the  parson  and  bottled  up  the 
wringings,  which  I  am  able  to  recommend  to  the  af- 
flicted as  the  pure  orthordox  stuff. 

Also,  I  wrung  out  Almiry  Jane,  and  she  departed  for 
home.  She  was  mad  as  a  March  hare,  and  I've  no 
doubt  would  have  liked  to  have  butchered  me  on  the 
spot.  She  didn't  say  much,  but  she  looked  onexpressible 
things,  and  I  ixpect  she  swore  revenge.  She's  got  an 
orful  temper  when  it's  riled. 

The  parson  he  stopped  to  dinner,  and  asked  a  blessing 
over  the  cold  beans,  and  cowcumber  pickles,  an'  Ingun 
bread,  dressed  in  Seeze's  clothes,  the  trousers  legs  of 
which  cum  about  half-way  down  his  calves,  and  the 
coat  sleeves  of  which  reached  jest  below  his  elbows. 
The  parson  has  growed  lengthways  at  an  orful  rate,  but 
there  hain't  much  more  substance  to  him  than  there  is 
to  the  tail  of  a  comick. 

Priscilly  waited  onto  the  table  and  did  the  honors  gin- 
erally,  and  as  soon  as  his  clothes  was  dry  the  parson  took 
his  departer  for  home,  dreadfully  down  in  the  mouth  and 
puckered  up  as  to  garments. 

And  I,  tired  out  with  the  ixcitements  of  the  day,  went 
to  bed  with  my  head  wet  in  hot  camfire. 

I  hadn't  fairly  got  settled  for  a  comfortable  snooze 
when  Seeze  bust  in,  his  eyes  as  big  as  sarcers. 


AN  INFAKNAL  MACHINE.  .  91 

"Oh,  marm,"  sez  he,  "git  up!  quick!  thereto  a  box 
jest  left  at  the  door  for  you?  It  is  labeled  'For  Mrs.  P. 
Pettigrew,  the  Authoress.  Handle  with  care."J 

An  idee  rushed  like  litening  into  my  head  as  I  took 
them  camfired  flannels  off  from  it. 

Almiry  Jane  Splicer  meant  to  be  revenged  onto  me!  I 
had  read  it  in  her  eye.  And  this  box  had  cum  from  her, 
and  was,  beyond  the  shadder  of  a  doubt,  an  infarnal 
machine! 

I  had  heern  tell  of  'em. 

All  extinguished  people  was  liable  to  have  'em  sent  to 
'em. 

.No  doubt  the  minnit  the  thing  was  ondid  it  would 
blow  the  ondoer  into  the  middle  of  next  week. 

I'd  allers  knowed  Almiry  Jane  was  a  cruel,  wicked 
woman,  for  she'd  drowned  kittens  in  cold  water,  whilst  I 
allers  heat  the  water  a  little  so's  to  make  it  easier  for  the 
poor  things.  I  believe  in  kindness  to  animals  myself. 

I  got  up  and  went  down  stairs,  and  found  the  whole 
family  and  the  dog  gathered  round  a  middling-sized  box, 
that  looked  like  a  cheese-box,  the  cover  of  which  was 
tightly  screwed  on,  and  then  tied  round-  with  a  strong 
cord. 

"Open  it,"  sez  Priscilly.  "  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  it 
was  a  Vermount  cheese  from  Aunt  Sally  up  to  Rutland ! 
I  do  hope  it's  a  spotted  one." 

"Cheese  indeed!"  sez  I.     "It's an  infarnal  machine." 

"  A  what?"  sez  they  all,  in  chorus. 

"An  infarnal  machine  from  Almiry  Jane  Splicer," 
eez  I. 


02        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W>S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  What's  it  for?"  sez  Priscilly.  "  Lord!  I  should  think 
there  was  machines  enuff  about  this  house.  There's  a 
sewing  machine,  and  a  washing  machine,  and  a  mowing 
machine,  and  a  raking  machine,  and  a  thrashing 
machine,  and  what  in  natur,  Patience,  did  you  go  and 
git  an  infarnal  maojiine  for?" 

' '  I  didn't  git  it,"  sez  I.  "  That  Jezerbel  sent  it  for  to 
blow  me  up.  She  wants  to  be  the  death  of  me;  but 
Patience  Pettigrew  hain't  to  be  took  in  that  way.  She's 
too  old  a  bird." 

Then  I  told  Seeze  to  lift  it  up  tenderly  and  with  care, 
and  kerry  it  out  onto  the  turnip  patch,  and  git  a  fence 
pole  and  stand  off  and  smash  it. 

"And  mind  you,  run  like  blazes  the  minnit  you 
strike,"  sez  I,  "for  when  it  busts  it'll  be  liable  to  blow 
your  head  clean  off  your  body." 

So  Seeze  he  kerried  it  out,  and  we  all  stood  at  a  safe 
distance,  and  Seeze  brandished  his  fence  pole  and  braced 
hisself  for  the  final  blow. 


CHAPTER  XIV. 

A    Til  IP    TO    BOSTON. 

OLD  ON  jest  the  half  a  shake  of  a  cat's  tail," 
sez  I  to  Seeze,  "while  I  climb  onto  the  wood- 
pile; it  won't  be  so  likely,  if  it  busts,  to  hurt 
me  up  there." 

And  I  clim  onto  the  woodpile,  and  Priscilly  she 
mounted  the  garding  fence,  and  sez  she: 

"  Patience,  if  I  am  kilt  intirely,  lay  me  out  in  my 
lielock  silk,  with  a  white  rose  on  my  breast,  and  tell  the 
squire  that  my  last  thoughts  was  of  him. " 

"Xow,  Seeze,"  says  I,  "all  is  reddy.  I'll  give  the 
word  of  command.  At  'three'  strike.  One — two — three. 
Fire!" 

And  Seeze  at  the  word  give  that  box  the  all-firedest 
lick  that  ever  you  seed  anything  have,  and  it  split  clean 
in  two,  and  out  bounced  the  nicest,  yellerest-green  Hub- 
bard  squash  that  ever  you  sot  your  two  eyes  onto. 

I  felt  a  leetle  cheap,  but  then  anybody  is  liable  to  make 
mistakes,  and  Patience  Pettigrew  has  never  per  tended 
that  she  was  onfallible. 

There  was  a  slip  of  paper  pinned  to  the  handle  of  the 
squash,  which  sed  it  was  sent  by  Mr.  Squire  Pilkins  for 
our  Thanksgiving  squash  pies. 

When  Priscilly  found  out  where  it  cum  from  she  im- 
braced  it,  and  patted  it,  and  sed  it  was  just  like  the 
squire,  and  so  it  was,  jest  about  as  bald. 


94        PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

Seeze  liked  never  to  have  finished  up  laffing  at  me.  I 
don't  know  as  he  need  to  have  took  on  so,  for  he  laid  out 
so  much  strength  a  striking  at  that  box  that  he  busted 
the  straps  off  from  his  trouserloons  as  clean  as  ever 
you  could  have  cut  'em. 

"We  had  the  squash  biled  for  our  Thanksgiving  dinner, 
and  it  was  nice,  and  Squire  Pilkins  happened  along  jest 
in  season  to  partake.  It  is  my  candid  opinion  that  if  I 
saw  fit  I  might  cut  Priscilly  out  with  the  squire,  but  I'm 
too  high-minded  for  that  are.  I've  had  one  man,  and 
Priscilly  hain't  never  had  none,  and  it  would  be  cruel- 
hearted  of  me  to  meddle  with  her.  I've  concluded  to  let 
the  men  sect  strictly  alone — unless  I  change  my  mind— 
and  devote  myself  intirely  to  selling  the  Clean  Sweep, 
and  cleansing  the  cisterns  of  my  feller-critters. 

That  is  to  be  the  noble  life-work  of  Patience  Pettigrew, 
unless,  as  I  sed  before,  she  should  change  her  mind. 

I  have  been  thinking  matters  over  for  quite  a  spell,  and 
a  week  ago  I  determined  on  striking  out  anew. 

I've  lived  sometime  in  the  world,  and  hain't  never  been 
to  no  very  large  city  yet,  and  it's  quite  time  for  me  to  be 
a  seeing  something  of  life.  I  was  advised  by  my  friends 
to  go  to  Boston  and  peddle  the  Clean  Sweep  onto  the 
streets;  and  day  afore  yesterday  I  sot  sail  for  that  city, 
along  with  two  trunks  of  clothes  and  a  couple  of  barrils 
of  my  medercin. 

I've  heern  it  sed  time  and  agin  that  all  big  cities  is 
sinks  of  wickedness,  and  that  everybody  cheat?  there, 
that  there  hain't  more  than  one  decent  kind  of  an  indi- 
vidual to  every  five  hundred  inhavitators. 


A    TRIP  TO  BOSTON. 


95 


So  I  went  prepaired  for  the  consequences. 
I  kerried   two  revolvers   and  a  butcher-knife  in  my 
aatchel-bag,  and  a  bundle  of  tracts  for  them  as  was  open 


"  I  KERRIED  TWO  REVOLVERS  AND  A  BUTCHER-KXIFE  IN  MY  SATCHEL." 


to  morril  swasion,  and  Clean  Sweep  for  them  as  their 
stomachs  needed  ransacking  or  overhauling. 

I'm  a  little  afeerd  of  the  cars;  they  have  such  a  habit 


%         PA  TIENCE  PETTIGRE  W S  PERPLEXITIES. 

of  busting  up  and  making  folks  into  mince-meat;  JUKI 
every  time  they  whistled  I  ixpected  nothing  but  wmit 
the  biler  would  kick  up  some  tantrum  or  other,  and  wo 
should  all  be  lanched  into  eternity,  or  some  other  dread- 
ful place. 

When  we  got  eanamost  to  Boston,  a  feller  cum  into 
the  car  where  I  was,  with  a  whole  lot  of  brass  things 
with  leather  handles,  and  figgers  on  'em,  strung  onto  his 
arm. 

"Baggage,  ma'am?"  sez  he. 

"  No,"  sez  I;  "I  guess  I  don't  want  to  buy  any  bag- 
gage to-day.  I've  got  two  trunks  and  two  barrils  along 
Avith  me,  besides  this  satchel  bag,  which  is  so  heavy  it 
gives  me  the  neurollogy  in  my  shoulder  in  jest  the  same 
spot  Avhere  I  had  it  last  spring.  Young  man,"  sez  I, 
"  did  ever  you  have  the  neurollogy?" 

" No,"  sez  he;  "I  never  did." 

"Then  you're  lucky,"  sez  I;  "for  it's  the  drawingest 
pain  that  ever  you  ixperienced — draws  up  the  leg  of  a 
six-foot  man  so's  it  would  fit  the  body  of  a  five-footer." 

"  Baggage,  ma'am?"  sez  he  agin,  kinder  onpatient. 

"  I  told  you  I  didn't  want  to  buy  none,"  sez  I;  "  and 
if  I  did,  I  don't  want  none  of  them  brass  fandangoes 
you've  got — no,  sir." 

"  Madam,"  sez  he,  "Ihavn't  anything  to  sell;  I  am 
an  agent  who  fonvards  baggage.  I'll  forward  your  trunks 
and  barrels  to  any  designation,"  and  he  passed  me  over  a 
handfull  of  them  brass  things,  and  began  to  write  in  a 
book. 

"Look  here!"  sez  I;  "jest  you  take  your  brass  thing- 


A    TRIP  TO  BOSTON.  97 

umbobs,  and  make  yourself  skeerce,  or  I'll  call  the  con- 
ductor man.  I  liaint  to  be  imposed  onto  in  no  such  way 
as  that  are.  I  take  the  papers,  and  read  'em,  too,  and  I 
know  all  about  your  swindling,  pocket-picking  rascals, 
as  go  a  gallivanting  round  a  deserving,  honest  people. 
You  don't  play  none  of  yer  tricks  onto  me/'  and  I  give 
him  a  shove  which  sent  him  rite  into  the  fat  stummtik 
of  a  plumprlooking  old  feller  that  was  a  injoying  a  very 
nice  kind  of  a  snooze  on  the  seat  oppersit.  Them  brass 
things  flew  off  every  which  way,  and  the  plump  man 
sprung  to  his  feet  with  a  snort,  and  kicked  out,  and 
struck  out  severil  ways  to  once,  hitting  two  old  ladies, 
and  knocking  off  their  glasses,  besides  nigh  almost 
smashing  into  flinders  the  hat  of  a  youngish-dressed, 
oldish  gal  that  was  a  setting  cluss  by. 

The  two  old  ladies  they  riz,  and  begun  for  to  lay  doAvn 
the  law,  and  punch  every  body  with  their  parrysols,  and 
the  gal  she  was  hoppin',  and  she  grabbed  that  plump  old 
man  by  the  hair  of  hiz  head,  and  actilly  shook  him  till 
the  very  teeth  fell  out  of  his  jaws.  She  had  enuff  muscle 
to  have  sot  a  whole  base  ball  club  up  into  bizness.  It 
beat  everything  J.  ever  seed. 

The  man  with  the  brass  things  he  was  mad,  and  he 
told  the  conductor  man  that  it  was  all  owing  to  that  old 
hag  with  the  red  satchel,  and  he  ordered  the  conductor 
man  to  put  me  off  at  the  next  station. 

"  What  do  you  mean  by  old  hag?"  sez  I. 

"  You!"  sez  the  young  scallawag,  shaking  his  fist  at 
me. 

"  I'll  let  you  know  whether  you're  afoot  or  he rselrack/ ' 


OS        PA  TIE  MCE  PE  T  TIG  RE  W '  S  PERPLEX  I  TIE  $. 

sez  I — "I  vow  I  will,  afore  I'm  done  with  ye!"  and  1 
seized  onto  him  by  his  paper  collar,  which  parted  amid- 
ships, and  the  shirt-buttons  flew  round  like  hailstones 
when  the  stormy  winds  is  high. 

' '  I'll  attend  to  her  case/'  sez  the  conductor  man,  tak- 
ing me  by  the  shoulder.  "  We've  jest  got  to  Greenville 
— I'll  chuck  her  out  here !" 

And  he  prepaired  for  to  chuck. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

COUSIX     TOM     SMITH. 

UT  HE  didn't  do  it. 

He  was  a  slimmish  feller,  that  conductor 
man  was,  and  if  I  do  say  it,  I  can't  be  beat 
in  Oyster  Bridge  for  strength  and  good  looks.  When  I 
was  a  gal  I  could  heave  any  feller  in  the  neighborhood, 
and  I  hain't  no  wuss  off  as  to  strength  now  than  I  was 
then. 

That  conductor  man  warn't  nothing  for  me. 

I  let  him  push  me  along  to  the  door,  and  when  we 
got  there,  I  just  took  him  by  the  two  shoulders,  and  I 
sot  him  rite  off  onto  the  bank  below,  jest  as  slick  as  a 
mitten. 

"All  aboard!"  sez  I,  grabbing  the  bell-rope  for  to  start 
her;  and  she  started,  and  that  conductor  man  was  a 
scrabbling  up  over  the  gravel  stuns,  and  swearing  enulT 
to  take  the  hair  clear  off  from  a  buffalo  robe. 

But  the  ingine  man  didn't  see  him,  and  along  we 
went  on  our  way,  and  Mr.  Conductor  scooting  after  at,  a 
2:40  rate.  Jest  as  if  he  expected  to  overtake  us!  I 
stood  onto  the  platform,  and  swung  my  satchel-bag,  and 
hoorayed,  and  the  passengers  all  laffed,  and  we  went 
round  a  crook  in  the  railroad  and  lost  sight  of  him,  I've 
often  thought  that  I  should  have  liked  to  have  seed  him 
when  he  got  a  chance  at  them  train  hands. 


100      PA  T1ENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

The  country  along  toward  Boston  city  is  pritty  thickly 
settled,  and  when  AVO  got  to  Boston  itself  I  didn't  ex- 
actly know  it. 

The  depot  was  dark  as  a  pocket,  and  I  sot  still  till  I 
seed  that  everybody  was  a  leaving  the  cars,  and  I  up 
and  left,  too.  I  had  my  satchel-bag,  and  an  extry  shawl, 
and  a  waterproof,  and  a  bag  of  doughnuts  for  Cousin 
Tom  Smith's  ten  children  which  lives  in  Boston;  and 
these  things,  together  with  a  good-sized  pumpkin  for 
Tom's  wife  tied  up  in  a  red  handkercher,  was  as  much 
as  I  could  cleverly  manage.  I  don't  approve  of  folks 
kerrying  much  baggage  when  they're  a  traveling,  but  I 
knowed  there  wasn't  much  farming  done  in  Boston,  and 
I  thought  Tom's  wife  would  be  tickled  with  a  pumpkin. 

The  depot  was  a  crowded  place.  I  ixpict  there  had 
been  a  training,  or  a  fair,  or  a  hoss  trot,  somewheres  or 
other,  for  the  men  and  women  was  a  running  in  every 
direction,  and  in  one  corner  of  the  depot  there  was  a 
lot  of  fellers  with  tin  plates  on  their  caps  screeching  out 
invitations  for  us  to  ride.  I  was  a  toiling  along  with 
my  pumpkin  and  things,  and  one  of  them  fellers  sez, 
as  sassy  as  you  please: 

"  Say,  there,  you  old  woman,  shan't  I  carry  your 
pumpkin  for  you  ?" 

( '  You  may  go  to  grass  and  eat  mullin,"  sez  I.  "It 
wouldn't  look  well  for  one  pumpkin  head  to  be  kerry- 
ing another." 

I  made  my  way  out  into  daylight,  and  dear  sakes! 
there  was  more  people  in  the  streets  than  there  was  in 
the  depot.  Everybody  appeared  to  be  going  somewhere's 


COUSIN  TOM  SMITH.  101 

in  a  hurry.  I  asked  one  man  if  there  was  a  fire,  or  a 
hoss  running  away  anyAvheres,  but  he  only  stared  at  me 
and  rushed  onards.  I  hope  he  got  there. 

I  went  out  onto  the  sidewalk,  and  sot  my  pumpkin 
and  things  down,  and  looked  round  me.  Cousin  Tom 
had  told  me  that  he  lived  in  a  brick  house  with  green 
blinds,  and  I  reckoned  it  would  be  easy  to  find  him,  for 
there  hain't  but  one  brick  house  within  ten  miles  of 
Oyster  Bridge,  and  I  had  no  idee  they  was  so  common 
in  other  places.  But  land  of  deliverance!  all  the  houses 
in  Boston  is  brick,  and  the  rest  of  'em  is  f tun,  and  how 
in  natur  was  I  to  tell  Cousin  Tom's  from  any  of  the 
t'others? 

I  was  in  dispair,  and  people  was  elbowing  past  me, 
and  knocking  my  pumpkin  hither  and  thither,  and  I 
ixpected  every  minnit  they  would  squash  it,  and  spile  it 
for  all  practikil  purposes. 

I  asked  a  tallish  man  that  was  a  sporting  round  in  a 
blue  neck-tie,  with  a  gold-headed  cane  in  his  hand,  if 
he  would  please  to  tell  me  where  Tom  Smith  lived,  and 
he  put  his  eye-glasses  on  his  nose  and  squizzed  me 
through  'em  a  spell,  and  sez  he: 

"Well,  really,  ma'am,  I  do  not  know  about  Mr.  Tom, 
but  if  it  was  Mr.  John  Smith,  now,  I  could  find  him 
for  you  anywheres!'' 

"But  Tom  lives  round  here  somewheres,"  sez  I. 

"  I  haven't  a  doubt  of  it/'  sez  he. 

"In  a  brick  house  with  green  blinds,"  sez  I. 

"Jess  so,"  sez  he. 

By  this  time  quite  a  crowd  had  gathered  Tound,  and 


102      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

the  tallish  man  spoke  to  a  man  that  was  drest  in  blue, 
with  a  steel  button  on  his  breast,  and  sez  he: 

"Here,  police;  here  is  a  woman  hunting  for  Tom 
Smith." 

"Gracious  Peter!"  sez  I.  "Don't  go  for  to  be  giving 
me  over  to  the  perlice.  I  hain't  done  nothing.  I'll 
clear  rite  out/"  and  I  grabbed  my  pumpkin  and  things, 
and  sot  sail,  for  I  knowed  that  if  Almiry  Jane  Splicer 
got  hold  of  it  that  I  had  been  give  over  to  the  perlice  in 
Boston  I  should  never  darst  to  show  my  head  in  Oyster 
Bridge  agin." 

"Stop!"  sez  the  perlice,  laying  his  hand  onto  my 
shoulder.  "  Stop,  and  let  us  know  what  you  want." 

"I  hain't  done  nothing,"  sez  I,  "and  I  warn't  a  going 
to.  If  it's  aginst  the  law  to  bring  a  pumpkin  into  Bos- 
ton city,  I'm  sorry  I  did  it,  and  I'm  reddy  to  pay  the 
damidge.  I've  heern  sed  your  laws  was  so  strict  that  a 
cat  dassent  die  anywheres  in  the  city  for  fear  of  creation- 
ing  a  newsants,  but  I  never  dreamed  that  anybody  was 
to  be  sent  to  the  State  prison  for  lugging  round  a 
pumpkin,"  and  I  took  out  my  handkercher  and  blcwed 
my  nose  preparatory  to  shedding  a  feAV  tears  with  the 
idee  that  perhaps  these  would  melt  his  heart  of  stun. 

"  There!  there!  my  good  woman,"  sez  he,  patting  me 
onto  that  shoulder  of  mine  where  I  have  the  newrollogy, 
and  which  was  jest  about  blistered  with  mustard  poul- 
tices, and  nigh  about  killing  me,  "  don't  snivel.  I 
know  where  Tom  Smith  lives.  Eight  this  way;  second 
house  from  the  corner.  See  his  name  on  the  door." 

I  thanked  him,  and  offered  him  a  bottle  of  .Clean 


COUSIN  TOM  SMITH. 


103 


Sweep  for  his  cistern,  but  he  sed  he'd  lately  had  it 
cemented,,  which  the  Lord  knows 
what  he  meant,  but  I  don't,  and 
he  bowed  and  hurried  away. 

I  took  up  my  baggage  and  went 
to  the  house  he  had  pinted  out, 
and  rung  the  bell. 


A  sharpish-looking  female 
woman  cum  to  the  door  with 
a  broom  in  her  hand. 

"  Is  Mr.  Smith  to  home?" 
sez  I. 

"  "What  do  you  want  of  him?"  sez  she. 


A  SHARPISH-LOOKING  FEMALE 
WOMAN  CUM  TO  THE  DOOU  WITH 
A  BROOM  IN  HE»  HAND." 


1()4      PA  TIRNCE  PE  TTIGRE  W  ">S  PERPLEXITIES. 

I  took  her  for  one  of  the  servants,  and  thought  it  was 
none  of  her  bizness,  so  I  answered  coldly: 

"  I  wish  to  see  him.  I  don't  know  as  it  is  any  of 
your  consarns." 

"  I'll  let  you  know  whether  it  is  or  not/'  sez  she, 
"you  old  sneaking  huzzy,  you.  I've  had  my  suspicions 
of  Tom  for  quite  a  spell,  and  now  I'm  sure,"  and  she 
cum  at  me  with  the  broom  brandished  over  her  head, 
and  thunder  and  litening  in  her  eye. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

JAXE  MARIER. 

FELL  back  a  pace,  for  I  warii't  quite  reddy 
to  die,  and  I  seed  murder  in  her  face. 

"My  good  woman/''  sez  I,  "don't  go  for 
to  busting  yer  biler  for  nothing.  I  wouldn't  do  it. 
'Tain't  no  use.  Jess  take  it  calmly — 

"Leave  these  premises  instantly,"  sez  she,  "or  I'll 
make  you  into  sassidge  meat !" 

And  she  brought  that  broom  round  with  a  whisk 
which  hit  the  pumpkin,  which  was  a  setting  onto  the 
top  step,  and  eight  or  ten  feet  from  the  ground;  for  the 
house  was  boosted  up  high,  as  most  of  them  Bosting 
city  houses  is,  with  a  sullur  kitchen  underneath. 

The  pumpkin  fetched  a  bounce  into  the  air,  and  shot 
out  in  the  direction  of  the  sidewalk,  and  as  bad  luck 
would  have  it,  hit  an  old  feller  as  was  traveling  along 
plump  on  the  head,  and  squelched  his  beaver  and  busted 
his  specks,  besides  doing  other  damidges. 

The  blow  felled  him  to  the  sidewalk,  where  he  lay  for 
a  secont  stunded,  and  I  scooted  down  them  stairs  and 
seized  onto  my  pumpkin.  Jess  as  I  had  got  her  by  the 
stem,  down  rushed  that  woman  from  Smith's,  with  her 
broom  lifted  higher  than  ever,  and  up  jumped  that  man 
from  the  sidewalk,  and  both  of  'em  cum  at  me. 

"I'll  larn  you  to  be  round  trying  for  to  coax  away 


106      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

other  women's  husbands !"  screeched  the  woman,  aiming 
a  blow  at  me  with  that  broom,  which  I  warded  off  with 
that  pumpkin. 

"  I'll  larn  3*011  to  garrote  the  Hon.  Marcus  Jones, 
Esq.,  in  the  public  street  when  he  is  in  the  peaceful 
pursuit  of  his  bizness!"  sez  the  man,  and  he  grabbed  me 
by  that  same  nerallogy  shoulder,  and  laid  on  as  if  his 
fingers  Avas  a  pair  of  pinchers,  and  two  sets  of  nut- 
crackers throwed  in. 

"Let  me  alone/' se/  I.  "If  you  don't,  it'll  be  the 
wuss  for  ye." 

"  Darned  if  I  do!"  sez  the  woman,  giving  me  another 
lick. 

"I  think  I  see  myself  letting  you  alone,"  sez  the  man, 
shaking  me  till 'them  false  teeth  of  mine,  which  is  a 
leetle  loose  onto  my  gooms,  shook  like  dried  up  beans  in 
a  pod. 

"  If  you  don't  stop  rite  where  you  be,"  sez  I,  "  I  vuni 
I'll  show  you  how  they  do  things  in  Oyster  Bridge!" 
and  I  put  down  my  pumpkin,  and  took  off  my  cuffs, 
and  prepaired  for  to  defend  myself. 

"Perlice!  perlice!"  screeched  the  man  at  the  top  of 
his  voice,  and  the  woman  jined  in  the  chorius. 

About  a  dozen  small  boys,  and  some  dogs  that  hadn't 
any  other  bizness  on  hand,  and  a  score  of  men  and  wo- 
men had  cum  along  and  stopped  to  see  the  row. 

I'd  allers  heern  it  sed  that  people  in  cities  was  much 
more  perliter  than  they  be  in  country  places,  but  the 
way  them  folks  stood  and  stared  at  me  didn't  seem  to 
make  it  appear  so. 


JANE  MARIER. 


107 


In  about  a  minnit  two  of   them  perlice  chaps  cum 
along  and  wanted  to  know  what  was  to  pay. 


"  '  SHE'S  AFTER  MY  HUSBAND— MY  LAWFULLY  WEDDED  HUSBAND  !'  " 

"  I  was  a  trying  to  find  Tom  Smith,"  sez  I,  "  and 
that  wizened  old  hag  she " 

"  Her  dratted  pumpkin  hit  me  on  the  head,"  sez  the 
oldish  man,  "  and  split  my  ten-dollar  hat,  and.-.»j.j." 


108       PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  She's  after  my  husband — my  lawfully  wedded  hus- 
band!" sez  the  woman  Avith  the  broom,  "and  111  see  her 
in  purgatory  before  I'll  let  her  lay  around  loose  to  lead 
my  Thomas  from  the  path  of  manly  vartue  and  recti- 
tude." 

"'Taint  no  such  thing!"  sez  I.  "I  dom't  wjrt  t« 
lead  astray  no  men  folks  at  all!  There's  enuff  of  'em 
round  anywheres  without  my  being  obleged  to  take  up 
with  married  men!" 

"  What  in  the  duse  was  you  after?"  sez  one  of  the 
perlice. 

"  I  was  after  Tom  Smith,"  sez  I,  "as  lives  in  a  brick 
house,  with  green  blinds,  and  has  got  a  cross-eye,  and 
used  to  drive  a  milk-cart,  and  has  got  ten  children " 

"  Ten  children!"  screamed  the  woman.  "  It's  a  lie! 
I  hain't  got  but  three." 

"  I  can't  help  what  you've  got,"  sez  I.  "  I  am  talk- 
ing about  what  Tom  has  got." 

"Ho  wean  he  have  ten  and  I  only  three?"  sez  she, 
lusting  of  that  broom  agin. 

"  I  can't  say,"  sez  I.  "  That's  for  you  to  find  out.  I 
only  know  he's  got  'em!" 

She  let  drive  the  broom,  but  I  dodged  and  the  blow 
took  effect  on  one  of  them  perlices,  and  started  the 
blood  out  of  his  nose  in  a  red  spurt  which  flew  all  over 
all  of  us  and  Mrs.  Tom  in  particular. 

And  just  then  a  smallish-sized,  red-faced  man  cum 
rushing  onto  the  scene,  and  when  he  beheld  that  bloody 
woman  he  yelled  "Murder!"  as  loud  ate  'eVdr'  he'  fcJofuld, 
and  then  flinging  up  his  arms,  tfe'z  hfc: 


MARIER.  109 


"0  Jane  Marier!  Murdered,  and  I  refused  to  bring 
a  hod  of  coal  for  ye  this  morning!  And  I  swore  be- 
cause the  bread  wasn't  half  done!  And  now  she's  killed 
intirely!"  and  he*  begun  to  claw  after  the  hands  of  Mrs. 
Tom  aforesed. 

"Land  sake!"  sez  I,  "she  hain't  dead!  Xo  dead  wo- 
man could  ever  kick  like  that!''  for  she  had  just  let  fly 
them  heels  of  her'n  into  the  stummack  of  the  perlice 
feller  as  was  trying  to  hold  her,  and  smashed  his  watch 
crystal,  and  left  a  dab  of  mud  onto  his  vestkitt. 

"Jane  Marier!"  sez  the  man,  "speak  to  me  once 
more!'' 

"You  dratted  old  brandy-guzzling  sot!"  sez  she.  as 
well  as  she  could  for  the  tears  and  blood  that  was  a 
streaming  down  her  face,  "  I  only  wish  I  had  the 
strength  of  old  Mr.  Sampson.  I'd  choke  you  right  on 
the  spot.  A  going  and  having  ten  children,  and  I  only 
three!  You  with  ten  and  your  lawful  wedded  wife  with 
only  three!  Oh,  you  old  gray-headed  hyp-per-hip-per- 
h}'p-per-crit  you!  oh  dear!  dear!  boo!  hoo!"  and  it  did 
seem  as  if  she  would  go  off  into  the  highstrikes  with- 
out further  notice. 

"Dearful  heart!"  sez  I,  "  I  wish  I'd  stayed  to  home, 
with  my  hens,  and  turkeys,  and  appelsass,  and  other 
farm  projuce,  and  let  the  cisterns  of  Bosting  people 
take  keer  of  their  selves!" 

"Look  here,  Jane  Marier!"  sez  the  smallish  man, 
"don't  go  for  to  take  on  so  dreadful.  I  hain't  done 
nothing.  And  I  hain't  got  no  children  but  Mary 
Amanarder,  and  Thomas  Edwin,  and  Joseph  Xehemial. 
I'll  swear  to  it,  if  it's  necessary.'' 


110     PA  TIENCE  PETTIGKE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  But  this  woman  sez  you're  got  ten,  and  that  you're 
cross-eyed,  and  used  to  drive  a  milk  cart,  and  she's 
cum  here  a  setting  out  to  lead  you  from  the  path  of 


"  The  cat's  hind  legs!"  sez  I,  beginning  to  get  mad. 
"I  hain't  cum  here  for  nothing  of  the  kind!  I'm 
Patience  Pettigrew,  of  Oyster  Bridge,  relict  of  the  late 
lamented  Josiah,  and  I'm  sole  proprietor  and  manufac- 
turer of  the  Patent  Purgative  Clean  Sweep  that'll 
cleanse  the  cistern  from  all  humors,  and  aches,  and 
pains,  and  make  you  over  new  in  five  days,  or  the 
money  refunded.  And  I  cum  here  to  see  Tom  Smith, 
but " 

"  Not  another  word,"  sez  the  woman,  springing  to 
her  feet,  and  grabbing  that  broom.  "I  knowed  you 
was  after  Tom,  and  I'll  break  every  .bone  in  your  body." 

And  she  looked  pretty  much  as  if  she  meant  to! 


CHAPTER   XVII. 

THE    LOST    PUMPKIN". 

OOK  here/'  says  the  perlice  feller,  whose  nose 
warn't  a  bleeding,  "all  of  ye  stop  right 
where  you  are.  There's  some  mistake.  Mrs. 
Smith,  put  down  that  broom.  Squire  Jones,  pick  up 
your  hat  and  put  it  on.  You  are  liable  to  take  cold  in 
your  head.  It's  a  little  bald.  Mrs.  Smith,  calm  your- 
self. Mrs.  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the  late  lamented  Jo- 
siah,  what  do  you  want  of  Mr.  Smith  here!" 

"I  ^lon't  wan't  nothing  of  him,"  sez  I,  ''darn  his 
homely  picter." 

"But  you  sed  you  cum  to  see  him,"  sez  Mrs.  Smith. 

"  You  was  after  him  with  your  confounded  old  pump- 
kin," growled  Mr.  Squire  Jones. 

"  He  warn't  the  one,"  sez  I. 

"Kot  Mr.  Thomas  Smith?"  sez  the  perlice  feller. 

"Yes,  it  was  Thomas  Smith  I  was  after,"  sez  I; 
"him  as  lives  in  a  brick  house  with  green  blinds,  and 
has  got  a  cross-eye  and  ten  children." 

"He  hain't  got  but  three!"  screamed  Mrs.  Smith, 
shaking  her  fist  at  me. 

"Ten!"  sez  I,  "'if  he's  got  one." 

"  Don't  git  ixcited,"  sez  the  perlice  feller,  patting  of 
me  onto  that  neurollogy  of  mine.  "  I  want  to  get  at 


112      PA  T1ENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W*S  PERPLEXITIES, 

the  bottom  of  this  matter.  Is  this  the  Mr.  Tom  Smith 
you  was  after?" 

"IN'o,  indeed,"  sez  I. 

"Why  didn't  you  say  so?"  sez  Mrs.  Tom. 

"  You  mind  your  own  bizness,"  sez  I 

"  Don't  be  impertinent,  Mrs.  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the 
late  lamented  Josiah,"  sez  the  perlice  feller,,  patting  my 
neurollogy  agin.  "So  this  is  not  the  Mr.  Smith  that 
used  to  drive  a  milk  cart,  and  has  got  a  cross-eye  and 
ten  children?" 

"  No,"  sez  I;  "  it  don't  cum  within  five  rows  of  ap- 
ple-trees of  being  him.  I  never  sot  eyes  on  this  loving 
couple  before." 

"Oh,  Tommie,"  sez  Mrs.  Smith,  "forgive me,  sweety. 
I  might  have  known  you'd  never  gone  and  deceived  the 
pardner  of  your  bosom." 

And  as  she  liiltl  out  her  arrums  toward  him,  and  he 
jumped  into  them  and  dug  his  longish  nose  into  the 
trimmings  on  her  bask  waist,  and  sniveled  like  a  four- 
year-old  with  the  rebellious  colic. 

"  Oh,  Jane  Marier,"  sez  he,  "  how  could  you  doubt 
me?  Me,  your  own  Thomas,  that's  the  father  of  Mary 
Amanda,  and  Kehemiah,  and  — 

"'Gracious  Peter!"  sez  I,  "this  makes  me  feel  faint 
to  my  stummik.  You'll  ixcuse  me,  I  hope,  if  I  take  a 
little  sumthin'?" 

And  I  took  the  cork  out  of  a  bottle  of  my  Clean 
Sweep,  and  drinked  a  largish  draught,  which  made  me 
feel  better. 

"Now,"  sez  the  perlice  feller,  "  we'll  help  you  find 
your  Mr.  Thomas  Smith." 


THE  LOST  PUMPKIN. 


113 


"  Thank  ye,"  sez  I.    "  Let  me  git  my  pumpkin  fust." 
And  I  turned  round  to  take  it,  and  goodness  me,  it 

was  gone.     Clean  gone,  that 

pumpkin  that    I'd   took    so 

much  pains  to  bring  all  the 

way  from  Oyster  Bridge,  and 


"AND  AWAY  I  SCAMPERED  DOWN  THE  STREET  AfeTElt  A  r.ONG-LEQGED 
STREET  VARMINT  QF  A  BOY  THAT  WAS  A  ROLLING  THAT  PUMPKIN 
BEFORE  HIM  JEST  AS  YOU  WOULD  A  BALL." 


that  had  passed   through  so  much  that  it  seemed  like 
an  old  friend,  was  gone. 


114     PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE IV '  .9  PERPLEXITIES. 

"My  pumpkin,"  sez  I.  "  It's  been  stole.  There 
goes  the  rascal  now.  •'Somebody  help  me  head  him 
off.'" 

And  away  I  scampered  down  the  street  after  a  long- 
legged  lettle  street  varmint  of  a  boy  that  was  a  rolling 
that  pumpkin  before  him  jest  as  you  would  a  ball. 

"You  crazy-headed  old  fool!"  sez  Mr.  Squire  Jones, 
"let  the  pumpkin  go  to 

And  he  mentioned  a  place  that  it  hain't  perlite  to  men- 
tion. I  ixpected  he  Avas  out  of  order  in  his  liver,  and  I 
should  have  offered  him  some  Clean  Sweep,  but  I  couldn't 
stop.  I  was  after  the  pumpkin. 

I  run  as  hard  as  I  could,  but  the  boy  was  a  long-legged 
one,  and  he  turned  down  some  cross  street  somewheres, 
and  I  lost  sight  of  him.  But  pritty  soon  I  cum  in  sight 
of  a  store,  and  there  sot  my  pumpkin  on  the  door-step 
along  with  three  squashes,  a  box  of  sweet  potatoes,  and  a 
baskit  of  inyons. 

I  grabbed  it  by  its  old  familiar  handle  and  started  off, 
when  a  hand  was  laid  on  my  shoulder,  and  a  man  spit 
out  a  quid  of  terbacker  as  big  as  a  piece  of  chalk  before 
he  spoke,  and  then,  sez  he: 

"  You  old  thief!  I've  got  you  now.  I've  been  watching 
for  you  over  a  week.  Where's  the  tomatuses?" 

"  You  go  to  pot!"  sez  I,  "  and  let  me  alone,  or  you'll 
learn  that  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the  late  lamented 
Josiah,  haint  to  be  trifled  with." 

"  Where's  them  tomatuses  that  you  stole  last  Sattur- 
day?"  sez  he,  grabbing  my  pumpkin  by  the  handle,  and 
trying  to  twist  it  out  of  my  grasp. 
f 


THE  LOST  PUMPKIN.  115 

"  Tomatuses  be  darned?"  sez  I;  "I  hain't  seen  none 
this  year,  and  don't  want  to,  and  I  hain't  a  thief  nuther. 
What  on  airth  do  you  mean  by  calling  me  a  thief,  you 
old  rapscallion,  you?"  and  quite  out  of  patience  with 
everybody  I  hit  him  a  lick  over  the  head  with  my  satchel- 
bag,  which  bust  up  two  bottles  of  the  Clean  Sweep 
which  the  satchel  contained,  and  the  contents  run  down 
over  his  face  in  a  black  torrint. 

"  Less  have  that  pumpkin,"  sez  he. 

"  It's  my  pumpkin,"  sez  I,  "and  I'll  fight  for  it  to  the 
bitter  end." 

"  I'll  give  you  in  charge,"  sez  he;  ' l  these  sneak  thieves 
are  getting  altogether  too  common.  I've  lost  tomatuses, 
and  carrots,  and  now  a  pumpkin.  I  may  lose  cabbage 
next." 

"You've  got  one  cabbage  head  that  nobody '11  ever 
steal,"  sez  I,  "  and  that's  the  one  onto  your  shoulders." 

"  Here,  perlice,"  sez  he,  calling  to  a  thick-sot  man 
dressed  in  blue,  with  a  door-plate  on  his  coat,  "  take  this 
woman  to  the  station  and  lock  her  up." 

"  What  charge?"  sez  the  perlice. 

"  Stealing  a  pumpkin  from  John  Gibbs,"  sez  the  man. 
"  One  pumpkin  valued  at  fifty  cents." 

"  It  is  my  own  pumpkin,"  sez  I,  as  indignant  as  I 
could  be;  "  one  that  I  raised  to  Oyster  Bridge,  on  the 
burnt  ground  lot,  and  that  I  calkerlated  to  give  to  Cousin 
Tom's  wife,  as  has  got  ten  children,  and — 

"Come  along,  old  lady,"  sez  the  perlice,  "and  step 
lively.  My  time  is  precious." 

"I  won't  go  a  step,"  sez  I.     "  The  idea!    Me,  Patience 


116     PA  TIENCE  PETTIGRE  W"  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

Pectigrew,  relict  of  the  late  lamented  Josiah,  a  stealing 
my  own  pumpkin.  One  that  I'd  brung  all  the  way  from 
Oyster  Bridge  to  Bosting  City  by  its  own  handle.  I 
should  know  it  among  a  thousand  by  its  shape,  and  the 
wart  on  the  bottom  of  it.  See  here/'  and  I  turned  it 
over  in  triumph,  but,  gracious  goodness  me,  cum.  to  git 
at  the  bottom  of  it,  there  wasn't  no  wart  there.  And  so 
it  couldn't  be  my  pumpkin. 

And  when  I  made  the  awful  discovery  you  could  have 
knocked  me  down  with,  a  feather. 


CHAPTEK  XVIII. 

THE    MIDNIGHT    FIKE. 


AVAS  overcome! 

Did  I  steal  that  pumpkin? 
Or  did  I  not? 

That  was  the  question  I  asked  myself  over  and  over 
again. 

I  couldn't  seem  to  see  through  it,  and  the  only  corn- 
elusion  I  could  mako  was  that  the  boy  had  gone  right 
on  with  my  pumpkin,  instid  of  setting  it  down  at  the 
store  door  as  I  had  supposed,  and  that  I  had  stole  a, 
pumpkin  from  the  grocery  man. 

So  of  course  it  naterally  follered  that  I  must  be  a 
thief. 

Me,  one  of  the  pillars  of  the  Oyster  Bridge  church, 
and  a  personal  friend  of  the  minister,  and  a  teacher 
into  the  Sabbath  school,  arrested  for  thieving. 

I  felt  so  faint  and  discurraged  like  to  my  stumnrik 
that  I  asked  the  perlice  to  let  go  of  me  a  minnit  while 
I  refreshed  my  inner  man,  and  I  took  a  large  draft  of 
Clean  Sweep,  and  felt  inviggerated.  Of  all  the  things 
in  the  world  that  is  formed  for  the  benefit  of  suffering 
humanity,  there  is  nothing  will  begin  to  compare  with 
Pettigrew's  Patent  Purgative  Clean  Sweep,  purely  vege- 
table, and  only  one  dollar  a  bottle.  Six  bottles  for  five 
dollars. 


118      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W" S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"Now,  Mr.  Perlice,"  sez  I,  "  I'm  resigned  to  the 
laws  of  fate  and  Bosting  City.  I  give  myself  up,  and 
may  the  Lord  have  mercy  onto  me,  and  not  let  Almiry 
Jane  Splicer  read  the  account  in  the  newspapers." 

And  he  offered  me  his  arm,  and  we  marched  off. 

They  took  me  to  the  station,  and  locked  me  up  into  a 
smallish  bedroom  that  hadn't  only  one  winder,  and 
smelt  awful  strong  of  onions  and  bad  whisky. 

I  ixpect  they  was  what  the  thief  had  stole  that  had 
occupied  that  cell  afore  I  did. 

My  trial  cum  on  the  next  day.  I  am  a  going  to  pass 
over  all  ixperience  and  feelings  while  in  the  fellings  cell. 
Part  of  the  time  I  wept,  and  part  of  the  time  I  was  so 
mad  that  if  there  had  been  a  cart-load  of  that  old 
grocery  man's  pumpkins  in  that  cell  I  would  have 
busted  'em  all,  or  perished  in  the  attempt.  I  s'pose 
you've  been  mad  yerself  afore  now,  and  know  jest  how 
it  feels. 

In  the  morning  they  brung  me  to  trial.  I  felt  like  a 
fool.  I  hadn't  no  consciousness  to  comb  my  head  and 
rig  on  «iy  false  hair;  and  as  for  the  powder  on  my  face, 
I  was  all  of  a  trimble  for  fear  it  was  put  on  in  patches 
so's  'twould  show,  for  I  didn't  have  no  glass  and  had  to 
fix  it  By  guess.  And  every  woman  as  has  tried  it  knows 
that  this  is  no  easy  job. 

When  they  called  me  out,  I  give  my  handkercher  a 
swish  over  my  face  to  dust  it  off,  for  I  wanted  to  look 
well,  even  if  I  was  on  trial  for  stealing  a  pumpkin;  for 
how  did  I  know  but  what  the  judge,  or  the  jury,  or 
some  of  the  men  sect  that  would  be  present  might  be 


THE  MIDNIGHT  FIRE.  119 

impressed  with  the  face  of  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of 
the  late  lamented  Josiah? 

It  hain't  never  hest  to  throw  away  a  good  opportunity. 

There  weren't  a  half  a  dozen  in  the  court-room.  I  was 
disappinted,  and  I  felt  as  if  I  wished  I  was  to  home  abed 
with  the  cat.  A  great  chance  I  had  of  making  an  impres- 
sion onto  that  forlorn  set  of  men  folks. 

Just  as  they  begun  to  call  onto  me  to  know  what  I  had 
to  say  for  myself,  the  door  opened,  and  in  cum  Tom 
Smith,  and  his  wife,  and  six  of  their  children. 

My  cousin  Thomas! 

No  mistake  this  time! 

It  was  a  reviving  sight! 

"  We  read  about  it  in  the  papers,  cousin  Patience!"  sez 
Tom,  "  and  we  came  at  once  to  offer  our  assistance!  Me, 
and  my  wife,  and  John  Abram,  and  Charles  Samson,  and 
Melinda  Arethusa,  and  William  Pitt  Fox,  and  Josephine 
Agusta,  and  Samuel  Arthur!  And  Martha  Maria,  and 
Selina  Ellinor,  and  Bessie  Berenice,  and  the  baby,  are  all 
outside  the  door  waiting  for  the  verdict!  All  double- 
named,  and  as  fine  a  family  as  you  will  find  in  the  city." 

I  fell  onto  cuzzin  Tom's  neck  and  told  him  my  story. 
And  his  wife  snivilled,  and  I  snivilled  a  little,  and  the 
justice  blowed  his  nose  and  remarked  that  it  was  a  duse 
of  a  fuss  to  make  over  a  tarnal  old  pumpkin,  and  he  find 
me  fifty  cents  and  costs. 

And  Tom  paid  it,  and  we  all  departed  i:i  triumph. 

I  had  a  warm  welcome  to  Tom's  house,  and  his  wife 
said  she  was  just  as  much  obleeged  to  me  for  that  pump- 
kin as  if  it  had  got  to  her  safely.  And  you'd  ort  to  have 
seed  the  children  go  at  them  doughnuts! 


120      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W"  S  PERPLEXITIES. 


That  night  after  I  went  to  bed  I  was  roused  lip  by  a 
cry  of  fire  on  the  street  somewheres,  some  bells  rang, 
and  I  jumped  out  of  bed  and  dressed  myself  as  quick  as 
possible,  and  remembering  that  Boston  Avas  in  the  habit 
of  being  burnt  up  pretty  con- 
siderably often,  I  grabbed  my 
satchel-bag  and  other  valuables, 
and  not  knowing  ixactly  which 
way  the  stairway  was,  I  clim  out 


"I  GRABBED  MY  8ATCHEL-BAO  AND  CMM    OUT    OF   THE   SCUTTLE    ONTO 
THE  KOOF." 

of  the  scuttle  onto  the  roof  of  the  house,  so 's  the  firemen 
could  see  me  and  fly  to  my  rescue  with  a  ladder. 

But  nobody  cum,  and  I  couldn't  see  no  fire  nowheres, 
and  nobody  seemed  to  be  a  going  to  any  fire,  and  I  wan- 
dered round  up  there  a  spell  on  the  roofs  of  the  houses, 


THE  MIDNIGHT  FIRE.  121 

which  was  flat,  and  a  row  of  twenty  or  more,  and  then  I 
begun  to  fell  chilly,  and  thought  I'd  just  step  inside  and 
wait  for  the  fire  to  cum  along. 

So  I  opened  the  scuttle  noiselessly,  for  fear  cuzzin  Tom 
and  his  wife  would  hear  me  andlaff  at  me  for  not  being 
posted  in  the  way  to  behave  when  there  is  a  fire  in 
Bosting  City. 

It  was  as  dark  as  a  pocket  in  my  room  when  I  got  in 
there,  and  I  smelled  sumthin  that  seemed  a  great  deal 
like  cigar  smoke,  and  I  couldn't  think  how  it  should  cum 
there,  but  I  was  too  cold  to  bother,  so  I  got  into  bed  as 
quick  as  possible. 

As  I  got  in,  that  smell  was  a  good  deal  more  so,  and 
there  Avas  a  little  flavor  of  brandy  thro  wed  in." 

"  Gracious  Peter!"  sez  I,  "  where  does  it  cum  from?" 
and  I  felt  round  over  the  bed  to  see  if  there  was  anything 
wrong,  and  oh,  my  soul  and  body!  what  did  my  hand 
cum  in  contact  with,  but  the  long  nose  and  bushy 
whiskers  of  a  man  ! 

Then  cum  the  thought  that  tramps  was  abroad  in  the 
land,  and  that  my  life  was  in  danger!  He  had  cum  to 
tie  me  to  the  cheer,  and  gag  me,  while  he  went  through 
my  satchel-bag  and  stole  my  ear-rings! 

I  sprung  to  me  feet,  and  rushing  to  the  door  I  screached 
"Murder!  thieves!  burglars!  tramps!"  as  loud  as  I 
could  holler. 


CHAPTEK  XIX. 

THE    WRONG    SCUTTLE. 

LL  WAS  confusion  in  a  secont. 

I  heered  the  tramp  bounce  out  of  bed  with 
an  oath  that  friz  my  blood,  and  the  door  was 
flung  open,  and  in  cum  a  woman  with  a  light,  dressed 
in  a  yeller  flannil  petticoat,  and  a  night-gound  of  an- 
other shade  of  yeller;  and  when  she  seed  me  her  face 
growed  as  red  as  blood;  and  she  sot  down  the  light,  and 
grabbing  up  a  man's  boot  from  the  floor  she  cum  at  me 
with  murder  in  her  eye. 

"'  I've  caught  you  at  last!"  sez  she,  in  an  awful  voice, 
to  that  man  who  was  a  setting  onto  the  side  of  the  bed 
rubbing  his  eyes,  and  looking  from  one  to  t'other  of  us 
as  if  he  couldn't  seem  to  git  things  through  his  head. 
"  I've  caught  you !  and  I'll  apply  for  a  bill  to-morrow! 
I'll  be  divorced!  I'll  go  home  to  my  mother!  I  knowed 
there  was  a  reason  why  you  left  my  room — our  room — 
you  villain,  you!  and  cum  off  up  here  to  sleep!  I've 
knowed  all  along  that  it  warn't  because  the  dear  baby's 
crying  kept  you  awake!  I  ain't  a  fool!  I  can  see  a 
yard  afore  my  nose!  And  I  must  say,  Sam  Hanson, 
that  you've  showed  your  taste!  a  leaving  your  own  law- 
ful Avedded  wife  for  such  an  old  toothless  hag  as  this!" 
and  she  let  drive  that  cheer  at  my  head,  but  as  there 
warn't  no  law  to  compel  me  to  stand  still  and  take  the 


THE   WRONG  SCUTTLE. 


123 


licks,  I  jest  dodged  to  one  side,  and  the  blow  fell  onto 
the  toilet  set,  and  the  broken  glass  flew  round  like 
hailstones! 


'GRABBING  UP  A  BOOT  SHE  CUM  AT  ME  WITH  MURDER  IN  HER  EVE." 


••  Wall,  of  all  the  places  that  ever  I  seed,"  sez  I,  "Bos- 
ting  City  heats  the  lot  for  jellus  women!  Oyster  Bridge, 
that  I  allers  thought  was  the  jellersusist  place  on  the 
footstool,  can't  hold  a  candle  to  it!  A  woman  has  got 


124      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W ' S  PERPLEXITIES. 

to  be  keerful  how  she  looks  at  any  man  here,  if  she 
don't  wan't  her  head  ixploded  off  from  her  body." 

"You  are  found  in  his  bedroom!"  sez  she,  lusting 
that  cheer  up  again. 

"  No  I  warn't!"  sez  I;  "he  was  found  into  mine!" 

""When?"  sez  she,  biling. 

"Now!"  sez  I. 

"  Gracious  airth!" 

"Yes!"  sez  I. 

"  You're  an  imperdent  old  hag  of  a  jezzerbel!"  sez  she, 
"and  Sam  Hanson  has  slept  hi&  last  night  under  the 
ruff  that  covers  me!  Fin  a  going  home  to  mother  I" 

"  Hold  on!"  sez  the  man.  "  Mary  Car'line,  do  calm 
down!  If  I  was  to  be  spitted  and  toasted  alive  I  don't 
know  what  this  means!  I  never  set  eyes  on  this  woman 
before!" 

"  No,"  sez  I,  "  I  ixpect  not.  It  was  too  dark  when 
he  crawled  into  my  bedroom!" 

"When  you  crawled  into  my  bedroom!"  sez  the 
man. 

"  When  you  crawled  into  my  bedroom!"  sez  I,  in  a 
voice  of  thunder,  "crawled  in  with  the  kalkerlation  of 
garrotting  me,  and  committing  manslaughter  and 
treason  onto  me,  and  then  robbing  my  satchel-bag  of 
that  eight  dollars  that  is  in  there,  and  pilfairing  my  ear- 
rings!" 

"  Woman  alive!"  sez  he,  "be  you  insane?" 

"I  dunno!"  sez  I,  "I  was  all  right  when  I  left  Oyster 
Bridge  ten  days  ago,  but  these  ere  doings  in  Bosting 
City  kinder  onbalance  my  brains!  I  shouldn't  wonder  if 


THE   WRONG  SCUTTLE.  !•>;, 

I  got  into  the  crazytick  horsepittle  before  long  if  I  should 
stay  here!" 

"  What  are  you  here  for?"  says  the  man,  prepairing 
for  to  git  into  some  more  clothes,  which  was  a  very  nice 
purseeding  on  his  part,  I  thought. 

"  What  are  you  here  for?"  sez  I.  "  That's  the  ques- 
tion, it  seems  to  me." 

"  I've  heen  asked/'  sez  he. 

"  So  have  I,"  sez  I. 

"And  you  clim'  in  at  the  scuttle  into  my  room,"  sez 
he. 

"Xo,"  sez  I,  "you  clim' in  at  the  scuttle  into  my 
room." 

"And  you  was  both  into  the  same  room!"  sez  the 
woman  in  the  yaller  night-gound.  "Oh,  dear!  dear! 
dear!  And  I  the  wife  of  his  bosom  and  the  mother  of 
his  baby!  Oh,  that  I  had  never  been  born!" 

"Well,  now,"  sez  I,  "I  don't  understand  no  more 
about  this  than  an  onborn  child  would;  and  what  I  want 
to  know  is,  how  cum  this  man  into  my  room  and  into 
my  bed?" 

" Into  your  bed !"  sez  he.  "Lord  preserve  us!  Mary 
Car 'line,  she's  out  of  her  reasons!" 

"I  shall  be  into  'em,  soon,  if  you  don't  stop  fooling!" 
sez  I.  "  I'll  have  this  man  critter  afore  the  perlice,  and 
111  call  up  Tom,  and  Ann  Jane,  and  their  ten  children, 
for  witnesses!"  And  I  went  to  the  door  and  yelled  as 
loud  as  ever  I  could  for  Ann  Jane  and  Tom. 

"  Now  look  here!"  sez  the  man,  who  had  got  into  his 
wardrobe  and  looked  quite  respectable  compared  to  what 


126    PATIENCE  PETTIGREWS  PERPLEXITIES. 

he  did.  ' '  Let's  git  at  the  gist  of  this  matter.  Who 
are  you?" 

"I  am  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the  late  lamented 
Josiah,"  sez  I.  "And  I'm  here  in  Bostiug  city  to  sell 
my  Clean  Sweep,  which  is  warranted  to  clean  the  cistern 
and  the  digestric  orgins  of  all  onpurity,  or  the  money 
refunded. " 

"But  how  cum  you  here?"  sez  the  man. 

"  How  cum  you  here?"  sez  I. 

"  I  live  here!     This  is  my  house/'  sez  he. 

"Our  house!"  sez  his  wife.  "I  paid  five  hundred 
dollars  toward  it,  and  I  wish — I  wish — it — had  been 
burnt — up — up — in  the  fire  a  thousand  times  before — 
that — that — miserable,  onfaithful  Sam  Hanson  had  ever 
seed  the  color  of  it — so  there!"  And  she  stamped  her 
foot  angrily,  and  bust  out  a  boo-hooing. 

"You  live  here!"  sez  I.  "That  can't  be,  for  Tom 
lives  here!" 

"Tom  who?" 'sez  he. 

"  Cuzzin  Tom  Smith,"  sez  I. 

The  man  began  to  laff. 

" Mary  Car'line,"  sez  he,  "it  must  be  her.  It's  the 
woman  that  traveled  a  hundred  miles  in  the  cars  with  a 
pumpkin  tied  up  in  a  handkercher.  She's  a  visiting  at 
Tom  Smith's,  next  door." 

"This  is  Tom  Smith's!"  sez  I. 

"  No,"  sez  the  man,  "Tom  lives  next  door.  The  fact 
is,  old  lady,  you  got  into  the  wrong  scuttle." 

I  stood  still  and  thought  it  over  a  minnit,  and  I 
knowed  it  must  be  so. 


THE   WRONG  SCUTTLE.  12? 

"Well,"  sez  I,  "I  vow  to  man  if  I  don't  believe 
you've  jest  hit  it!" 

"Oh,  Sammy!"  sez  his  wife,  throwing  up  them  yaller 
night-gound  arms,  "forgive  me — forgive  me  for  doubting 
you!  Oh,  my  love!  my  darling!  my  dear  little  innocent 
hubby!  my  ownest  own!"  And  she  grabbed  him  round 
the  neck  and  held  on  till  his  face  was  as  purple  as  an 
Isabella  grape-skin! 


CHAPTEE  XX. 

PATIENCE   GOES   INTO    BUSINESS. 

HEN"  I  diskivered  my  mistake,  I  felt  pritty 
flat,  I  can  tell  you,  but  these  people  were 
forgiving  angels,  both  of  'em,  and  they  fixed 
themselves  up,  and  esquarted  me  to  Cuzzin  Tom's  frunt 
door,;  where  I  had  the  pleasure  of  giving  'em  each  a 
bottle  of  Clean  Sweep,  with  my  best  respects. 

Tom's  folks  had  considerable  to  say,  but  that's  neithei 
here  nor  there. 

Next  day  I  went  into  bizness.  I  hired  a  peanut-stand, 
and  arranged  my  Clean  Sweep  onto  it.  Everybody 
cum  crowding  round,  and  in  the  forenoon  I  sold  fifty 
bottles  of  it;  and  still  trade  was  brisk.  About  noon  I 
felt  hungry,  and  thought  I'd  go  summers  and  git  some 
dinner.  There  was  a  real  good-looking  man  a  standing 
cluss  by  my  stand,  as  if  he  was  waiting  for  a  job.  I 
asked  him  if  he  would  stay  by  and  mind  my  stand  for 
fifty  cents,  while  I  went  after  my  dinner;  and  he  sed  he 
should  be  delighted  to  mind  it  for  nothing. 

How  gentlemanly  these  Boston  men  folks  is!  Every 
one  of  'em  as  polite  as  dancing-school  masters. 

I  left  him  to  mind  the  stand,  and  I  went  to  an  ister 
place  and  wrastled  with  a  bowl  of  stewed  isters.  I 
hadn't  never  eat  any  of  them  animiles  before,  and  it 
was  dreadful  tough  bizness  to  swaller  one  of  'em  whole, 


PATIENCE  GOES  INTO  BUSINESS.  120 

and  feel  his  toe-nails  a  tickling  of  your  swaller  as  ho 
went  down,  but  I'd  cum  to  the  city  determined  to  see 
the  elephant  clean  through,  and  I  meant  to  be  able  to 
tell  Almiry  Jane  Splicer  when  I  got  home  that  I'd  seen 
all  the  sights  from  Bunker  Hill  Monument  to  a  bowl  of 
isters. 

As  soon  as  I  got  through  I  traveled  for  my  peanut- 
stand,  but,  my  soul  and  body!  when  I  got  there  it 
wasn't  there!  It  was  wiped  intirely  out  of  ixistence! 

No  stand!  no  Clean  Sweep  bottles!  no  gentlemanly 
Boston  man  a  watching!  No  nothing! 

I  was  transfiggered  with  amazement. 

A  one-armed  organ-grinder  occupied  the  ground,  and 
was  a  grinding  out  "  Hail  Columbus,"  as  fast  as  he  could 
grind. 

"Look  here,  my  man!"  sez  I,  "where's  them  bot- 
tles?" 

He  took  off  his  cap,  and  hild  it  out  to  me,  and  kept 
on  a  grinding. 

"Thank  ye!"  sez  I,  "'taint  the  cap  I  want.  I've 
got  a  hat,  and  a  bunnit,  too,  to  home.  I  want  my  bot- 
tles?" 

He  stopped  grinding,  and  put  his  hand  into  his 
pocket,  and  passed  me  out  a  bottle.  A  flat  bottle  about 
half-full  of  sumthin'.  I  smelt  of  it,  and  I  vow  it  was 
whisky. 

" Help  yourself!"  sez  he,  "and  welcome!" 

I  was  as  mad  as  a  hatter!  Offering  whisky  to  me 
which  was  the  female  president  of  the  Sons  of  Temper- 
ance at  Oyster  Bridge,  and  never  drinks  nothing  stronger 


130      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

than  new  cider,  and  vinegar,  which  is  good  for  rebel- 
liousness." 

I  give  that  whisky  bottle  a  hist  that  sent  it  whizzing 
into  the  air,  and  when  it  cun  down  it  onfortinitly 
selected  the  glossy  beaver  of  a  young  swell  as  was  walk- 
ing along  with  his  eye-glasses  on,  sucking  the  head  of 
his  cane. 

The  hat  was  squelched,  the  bottle  bust,  the  whisky 
poured  in  a  flood  down  his  stylish  Boston  nose,  and  he 
fell  to  the  sidewalk  a  yelling  murder  enuff  to  raise  the 
dead. 

' e  I've  been  struck  over  the  head  with  a  club !"  sez  he. 
"The  blood  is  all  a  running  down  my  forehead!  Some- 
body secure  the  rascal!  Fifty  dollars  reward  for  the  one 
that  did  it!" 

"Here  she  is,"  sez  the  orgin-grinder  man,  grabbing 
me  by  the  shoulder  and  dragging  of  me  forrud,  and  my 
goodness!  when  I  looked  at  him  I  seed  that  a  merrycle 
had  been  performed  onto  him,  for  the  arm  he  had  lost 
jumped  rite  into  his  empty  coat  sleeve,  and  lie  had  two 
as  good  arms  as  ennybody. 

"Let  me  alone!"  sez  I,  "or  you'll  wish  you'd  never 
come  into  this  vale  of  sin  and  sorrer.  I  hain't  done 
nothing  but  smash  a  whisky  bottle,  and  if  I  had  the- 
chance,  I'd  smash  every  one  of  'em  in  the  United  States, 
and  Canadas!" 

"Perlice!  perlice!"  yelled  the  young  swell  at  the  top 
of  his  lungs. 

"Perlice!"  yelled  the  orgin-grinderA  jest  about  as, 
hard. 


1  ;]~2    PA  TiENCE  rr.  TTIGRE  ir's  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  Consaru  the  hull  of  ye!"  sez  I.  "  I  wish  to  gracious 
I'd  staid  to  hum,  and  dried  apples  this  fall,  instid  of 
coining  to  this  Babylon  of  wickedness \"  And  jest  then 
I  spied  somebody  going  round  a  corner  with  a  hand-cart 
load  of  bottles.  Drowning  men  will  ketch  at  straws, 
and  I  ketched  at  that  one  to  once.  It  must  be  my 
Clean  Sweep  bottles. 

I  broke  away  from  the  orgin-grinder  without  stopping 
to  apologize,  and  ran  as  hard  as  ever  I  could  after  that 
hand-cart.  I  knocked  over  a  small  boy,  and  upset  an 
old  apple-woman,  baskit  and  all,  and  nigh  about  caused 
a  dignified  old  man,  with  a  law  book  under  his  arm  and 
an  ambrill  over  his  shoulder,  to  lose  his  balances;  but  I 
reached  the  hand-cart  at  last,  and  seized  onto  the  driver, 
which  was  likewise  the  hoss  as  well. 

"  Stop!"  sez  I;  "stop  rite  where  you  be!  Them's  my 
Clean  Sweep!" 

"  What  in  the  dickens  do  you  mean,  old  woman?"  sez 
the  man,  stopping  short  in  his  tracks,  and  gazing  at  me 
as  if  he  never  seed  anybody  before.  "  Did  you  want  to 
buy  a  bottle  of  beer?" 

"  Beer!"  sez  I;  "the  land  sakes  no!  Who  sed  any- 
thing about  beer,  I  wonder?" 

"It's  only  ten  cents  a  bottle,"  sez  he;  "best  white 
root.  Have  a  bottle?" 

' '  Land  of  compassion,  no !"  sez  I.  ' '  What  does  ail  you 
Boston  city  folks  that  you  think  I  want  to  drink  the  vile 
stuff  that  doth  intoxicate?  Fust  it  was  whisky,  and  now 
it  is  beer?" 

**  Yes,  I  should  judge  so,  from  the  looks  of  that  nose 


PATIENCE  GOES  INTO  BUSINESS.  133 

of  yourn,"  sez  he.  "  Noses  don't  lie,  arid  'taint  often 
you  see  one  shine  like  that  are  when  there  hain't  some 
cause  for  it.  "\Vhisky 's  done  it." 

"You  lie!"  sez  I,  mad  as  I  could  be  and  not  bust. 
"  I'm  a  thurrer-going  temperance  woman  clean  to  the 
back  bone,  and  don't  never  take  nothing  stronger  than 
vinegar  for  my  indigestion,  and  Clean  Sweep  for  my 
liver.  And  I  want  you  to  deliver  over  them  bottles  as 
you  stole." 

"Stole!"  sez  he. 

"  Yes,  stole!"  sez  I.     •     , 

" Land  o'  Goshen!"  sez  he,  "the  woman  is  crazy!" 

"I  hain't;  but  I  soon  shall  be,"  sez  I,"  "  if  I  stay  in 
this  place.  The  way  things  goes  on  is  enuff  to  drive 
anybody  into  the  tantrum  conniptions.  Deliver  over 
them  bottles  if  you  know  what  is  good  for  ye." 

"You  go  to  grass!"  sez  he. 

"  None  of  yer  sass!"  sez  I,  "  or  I'll  do  what  everybody 
else  here  does  the  miniiit  there's  any  trouble — I'll  holler 
for  the  perlice." 

"  I'll  give  you  in  charge,  and  have  you  sent  to  the 
asylum,"  sez  he.  "  I  ain't  a  going  to  be  bothered  in  my 
bizness  by  any  old  woman  like  you." 

And  jest  then  I  put  on  my  specks,  and  looked  clussly 
at  them  bottles,  and  lawful  heart!  they  wasn't  mine. 
They  was  marked  "  Beer,"  and  held  a  pint  apiece  more'ri 
mine ! 


CHAPTEE  XXI. 

OLD-FELLER   AND    DESDY-MONEY. 

HEN  I  found  out  that  I'd  been  took  in  agin, 
I  had  to  apologize,  and  the  man  sed  he'd 
settle  for  fifty  cents. 

We  had  some  words  about  it,  during  which  I  broke 
several  bottles  of  his  beer,  and  had  to  pay  five  dollars 
or  go  to  the  station. 

Boston  city  is  a  curis  place. 

My  Clean  Sweep  was  lost  intirely,  and  there  was  noth- 
ing for  me  to  do  but  to  bear  it  with  cumposur. 

Losses  will  take  place  in  any  bizziness,  and  in  Patience 
Pettigrew's  especially. 

I  took  a  hollyday,  and  tellegrafted  home  for  Seeze  to 
send  me  five  hundred  dozen  of  Clean  Sweep  by  the  next 
mail. 

Cuzzin  Tom  and  his  wife  invited  me  to  go  to  the 
theater  with  'em  that  night.  There  was  going  to  be  a 
play  called  "  Old-feller  and  Desdy-money,"  they  sed. 
Powerful  performance,  and  I  should  be  awfully  sot  up 
by  it. 

I  dressed  myself  in  my  best,  and  we  went.  Did  ever 
you  see  the  inside  of  a  theater?  It's  a  dreadful  wicked 
place,  Parson  Prime  sez,  and  anybody  can't  go  there 
right  along  without  gitting  to  be  good  friends  with  the 
advcrserry,  as  he  ixpresses  it.  But  I  thought  going 


OLi>-FJ-:LLEJt  AND  DESDY-MONEY.  135 

once  wouldn't  ruinate  me,  and  I  thought  more  of  mak- 
ing Almiry  Jane  Spicer's  eyes  stick  out  when  I  got  home 
than  I  did  of  anything  else. 

That  theater  was  a  very  stylish  bilding.  It  was  con- 
siderable bigger  than  the  Oyster  Bridge  skule-house, 
and  the  seats  was  got  up  on  the  same  plan,  one  above 
t'other,  with  the  floor  lower  at  one  end  of  the  room 
than  it  was  to  the  t'other,  only  in  the  skule-house  the 
floor  rises  one  Avay,  and  in  the  theater  it  rises  t'other. 

There  was  a  sight  of  folks  there,  all  drest  up  fit  to 
kill,  and  there  was  siveril  fellers  tooting  onto  fiddles  and 
things,  and  a  big  picter  hung  up  rite  in  frunt  of  'em, 
with  a  row  of  lamps  rite  on  the  floor. 

"  Why  don't  they  take  them  lamps  up?"  sez  I,  in  a 
whisper  to  Ann  Jane.  "  They'll  set  that  picter  afire, 
next  thing." 

She  told  me  to  hush  up,  and  just  then  a  bell  rung. 

"I  guess  dinner  is  reddy  summers,"  sez  I,  "or  mebby 
its  supper.  Do  you  have  to  pay  extry  for  that?" 

Ann  Jane  told  me  to  hush,  agin,  and  offered  me  her 
bowkay  to  smell  of.  But  there  was  heelyourtroops  into 
it,  and  that  allers  makes  me  sick  to  my  stummuk,  so  I 
declined  with  thanks. 

Jest  then  that  bell  rung  agin,  and  that  picter  begun 
for  to  roll  up  from  the  top,  and  I  seed  a  platform,  with 
more  picters  behind  it,  and  people  traveling  round  in 
frunt  of  'em. 

They  went  on  cutting  up  all  sorts  of  didoes,  and 
there  was  a  real  pritty  woman  that  they  called  Desdy- 
money,  and  she  married  a  man  that  was  black,  and 
named  Old-feller. 


136      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

It  kind  of  appeared  as  if  he  got  jellus  of  her,  and  she 
went  to  bed  one  night  and  he  sot  out  for  to  kill  her. 

He  stood  there  a  talking  of  it  over,  and  looking  as 
blood-thirsty  as  ever  you  seed  a  calf-butcher. 

"Now,  look  here,  Ann  Jane,"  sez  I,  "I  want  to 
know  if  the  people  are  going  to  set  here  and  let  that 
nigger  man  kill  that  onoffensive  woman  for  nothing 
more  than  because  he  can't  find  an  old  pockithand- 
kercher,  which  is  jest  as  likely  to  be  out  on  the  clothes- 
line as  anywheres  elses?" 

"Do  keep  still,  Patience,"  sez  she;  "don't  you  see 
you  are  attracting  the  observation  of  the  audience." 

"  Darn  the  ordience  and  their  observations,  too!"  sez 
I,  "  when  a  human  critter's  life  is  at  stake.  Why,  I 
should  be  wuss  than  a  murderer  if  I  sot  here  and  seed 
him  smudder  her  with  that  bolster.  It  woiild  be  ekal 
to  them  carving-knife  murders  up  in  the  State  of  New 
Hampshire." 

Jest  then  the  Old-feller  prepaired  for  to  put  the  piller 
over  her  face,  and  jest  then  I  leaped  from  my  seat  and 
clim  rite  over  the  pianny-forty  onto  the  stage,  and 
grabbed  that  piller  from  his  hand,  and  hit  him  a  whack 
over  the  head  with  it  that  tore  his  hair  rite  off  from  his 
skalp,  and  translated  him  from  a  black-headed  man  into 
a  red-head,  and  there  was  a  white  rim  round  his  forrud 
that  looked  like  sunrise  on  a  cloudy  day. 

Desdy-money  jumped  iip  out  of  bed  and  flew  at  me 
with  the  tother  piller,  and  Old-feller  he  begun  for  to 
swear  and  shake  his  fists  at  me  in  a  terrible  Avay. 

"Perlice!  perlice!"  yelled  I,  jest  as  Boston  city  folks 


'I  CUM  KITE  OVER  THE  PIANNY-FORTY  OXTO  THE  STAGE,  AXT)  GHABr.ED 
THAT  J'lIJ.KH  FKOM  HIS  HAND  AND  HIT  HIM  A  WHACK  OVEIl  THH  HEAD 
WITH  IT  XUAX  TOIIK  UIS  UA1U  1UTK  Oi'i'  1'l 


138      PA  TIE  NCR  PE  T  TIG  RE  W '  S  PERPLEXI  TIES. 

does  when  there's  anything  don't  goto  suit  them.  "lie 
set  out  for  to  murder  her,  and  it  hain't  Patience  Petti- 
grew,  relict  of  the  late  lamented  Josiah,  as  would  set 
idly  by  and  see  him  do  it." 

"  Go  it,  Patience!"  yelled  the  ordience.  "  Freeze  to 
him!  He  deserves  it!  Don't  let  him  escape!" 

"  No,"  sez  I;  " not  if  I  perish  in  the  attempt!" 

Old-feller  was  mad,  and  he  took  me  by  the  shoulders 
and  shook  me  so  that  I  felt  my  upper  set  a  gitting 
down  into  my  throat,  and  that  riz  my  indignation. 
Eight  on  one  side  of  us  was  a  open  door,  or  sumthin' 
that  looked  like  one,  and  I  dragged  him  toward  it,  and 
give  him  a  hist,  and  lawful  goodness!  down  he  went, 
and  down  I  went,  rite  into  a  room  where  there  was  a  lot 
of  wimmin  fixing  their  hair  and  tinkering  generally. 

They  all  screeched  together,  and  Old-feller  lie  rubbed 
his  shins  and  told  them  I  was  a  confounded  old  f ooJ 
who  ought  to  be  shut  up  in  a  madhouse. 

And  Tom,  and  Ann  Jane,  and  another  man  cum  and 
marched  me  off,  and  Ann  Jane  she  give  me  the  awful- 
lest  going  over  after  we  got  home  that  ever  you  seed. 

She  sed  it  was  only  a  play,  and  Old-feller  was  only 
in  fun,  and  she  sed  I  was  a  fool,  and  the  whole  thing 
would  be  into  the  papers,  and  she  and  Tom  would  be 
laffed  at,  and  then  she  ondid  her  back  hair  and  sot 
down  into  a  rocking-chair  and  cried  like  a  baby. 

I  offered  her  some  Clean  Sweep  to  take,  to  cann  her 
narves,  but  she  knocked  the  bottle  out  of  my  hands  and 
made  an  awful  mess  on  the  carpit. 

How  I  do  hate  to  see  folks  get  mad  at  nothing. 


OLD-FELLER  AND  DESD  Y-MONE  Y.  139 

That  night  I  made  up  my  mind  to  do  sumthin'.  Bos- 
ton City  warn't  the  place  for  me,  that  was  sartin,  and  I 
determined  to  go  to  Europe. 

To  Europe,  and  peddle  Clean  Sweep. 

And  make  my  fortin. 

Xext  week  I  sail.  My  next  will,  in  all  probberbility. 
be  written  on  the  briny  deep.  Till  then,  adew. 

Oh,  a  life  on  the  oshun  wave,  for  me, 

To  see  the  lobsters  swim, 
And  to  watch  the  little  crabs  skip  round, 

When  daylight's  kinder  dim  ; 
To  hear  the  gallant  sailors  sing 

As  they  reef  the  flowing  sail, 
And  see  the  ship  dance  merrily  on 

Before  the  favoring  gale! 

That's  what  Patience  Pettigrew,  relict  of  the  late 
lamented  Josiah,  intends  to  do. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

PATIENCE   MEETS   WITH    A   CATASTROPIIY. 


Y  VOYAGE  is  begun.  It  has  been  begun  three 
days  and  four  nights.  I'm  out  on  the  oshun 
sailing — that's  what  I'm  about. 

How  do  I  like  it?  Well  I  can't  say  as  I'm  likely  to 
Banker  arter  it  any  more.  It  don't  agree  with  my 
stummuk,  and  all  the  vittles  I've  eat  for  the  past  three 
days  has  been  as  good  as  hove  away.  They  hain't  stayed 
where  they  was  ixpected  to. 

A  dollar  a  day  gone  to  wrack  and  ruin!  If  the  vittles 
had  been  of  a  better  qualify  I  should  have  felt  wusser 
about  'em;  but  they  warn't  much  but  corned  beef  and 
hard  tack,  with  now  and  then  a  piece  of  dried  apple  pie 
throwed  in. 

I'm  the  only  young  woman  there  is  on  board  the  ship. 
I  call  myself  thirty-two,  now.  I've  put  my  age  back 
some,  because  shipwrecks  is  so  common  now  that  I  want 
to  be  prepaired  for  it,  and  if  I  should  be  buried  in  the  sea 
I  don't  Avant  to  see  my  age  reported  in  the  newspapers 
as  any  more  than  thirty-five;  and  I  hope  all  the  papers 
will  take  notice  accordingly. 

There  arc  lots  of  people  on  board  the  North  Pole  a 
going  to  Europe,  and  most  of  'em  has  to  do  sumthin'  for 
their  cisterns.  The  old  ocean  seems  to  turn  us  all  inside 


PATIENCE  MEETS   WITH  A   C 'A  TAB 'TROPHY.    \\_\ 

outards.     I  have  peddled  out  lots  of  Clean  Sweep  already, 
and  have  got  to  be  called  Mrs.  Dr.  Pettigrew. 

The  captain  is  very  perlite  to  me,  and  has  told  me  all 
about  his  fust  vrife.  and  how  she  eloped  with  a  Morman 
man  as  already  had  sixteen  bosom  pardners,  and  I've 


"  NATERALLY  I  MADE  A  GRAB  AT  THE  FUST  THING  THAT  OFFERED,  WHICH 

ONFORTINITLY  HAPPENED  TO  BE  THE  LEG  OF  A  VERY  FAT  WOMAN, 
AS  WAS  A  HANGING  OUr  OF  ONE  OF  THE  BERTHS." 

symperthized  with  him  as  much  as  was  proper,  consider- 
ing as  he's  got  another  wife  and  eleven  children  in  Xew 
Jersey. 

Last  night  I  met  with  a  catastrophy.     I  give  up  my 
state-room  to  a  woman  as  was  sick,  and  I  went  to  sleep 


142      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W"  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

in  the  ginral  cabin.  It's  a  crowded  up  place,  and  my 
berth  was  up  four  or  five  above  the  bottom,  and  I  hain't 
so  springy  as  I  used  to  be. 

I  made  several  attempts  to  git  up  afore  I  succeeded; 
and  as  I  reached  the  right  place  and  was  going  for  to 
turn  in,  my  foot  slipped  and  I  lost  rny  balances,  and 
went  downards.  laterally  I  made  a  grab  at  the  fust 
thing'  that  offered,  which  onfortinitly  happened  to  be 
the  leg  of  a  very  fat  woman,  as  was  a  hanging  out  of  one 
of  the  berths  below. 

She  screeched  and  yelled  enuff  to  split  the  universe,  if 
we'd  only  been  on  to  it  anywheres  instead  of  out  to  sea. 
I  didn't  want  to  make  no  disturbances  nor  hard  feelings, 
so  I  jest  let  go  of  her  leg  and  crept  into  the  fust  berth  I 
cum  to,  while  she  was  still  a  howling. 

There  was  somebody  into  it,  snoring  away  at  a  high- 
pressure  rate,  and  I  got  down  under  the  quilt  and  kept 
still. 

In  about  a  minnit  everybody  was  onto  their  feet,  a 
rushing  hither  and  yon,  and  yelling  like  lunaticks, 

"  Ship's  on  fire!" 

"  No;  sprung  a  leak!" 

"Collision!" 

"Biler  busted!" 

"  Blowed  up!" 

"Pirates!" 

"Sunken  rocks!" 

"Sea  serpent!" 

"  Oh,  Lordy!" 

These  was  the  exclamations,  atio'ut  seven  cfcfcfeii  of  a 
kind,  all  screeched  out  together. 


PATIENCE  MEETS  WITH  A  CATASTROPHY.    143 

Captain  Beck  appeared  on  the  scene,  holding  up  his 
trouserloons  with  one  hand,  and  flourishing  his  speaking- 
trumpet  in  t'other. 

"Be  carm!"  sez  he.  "Let  every  man  do  his  duty! 
Drat  the  women!  Why  couldn't  they  have  been  made 
without  that  yelling  apparatus  that  all  of  'em's  got? 
Furl  the  mainsail!  Slow  the  ingine!  Put  her  round! 
Pump  her  out!  Stand  ready  with  buckets  to  squelch 
the  fire!  Thunderation!  if  I  know  what  to  order  till  I 
know  what's  th<?  matter!" 

"  It's  her  sperit!"  gasped  the  fat  woman,  setting  up  in 
her  berth,  and  glaring  round  her  as  if  she  ixpected  to 
see  suthin'  mighty  oncommon  rite  beside  her. 

"  Sperit!"  sez  the  captain.  "  Who's  been  afoul  of  the 
sperits?  I'll  court-martial  him,  and  hang  him  to  the 
yard-arm!  Shiver  me  if  I  don't!" 

"  Oh,  'tain't  that!"  sez  the  fat  woman.  "  It's  a  sperit 
— a  disembodied  sperit!  From  the  other  world!  An 
angel  flying  through  the  realms  of  infinite  space " 

"What  in  blazes  do  you  mean?"  roared  the  captain. 

"It  took  me  by  the — the  lower  limb,"  sez  the  woman, 
••'  and  the  hand  was  as  dead  and  cold  as  a  corpuses!" 

"  Angels  round  a  grabbing  folks  by  the  legs !"  sez  the 
captain.  "Wall,  that  beats  me!  Never  heerd  of  such 
a  thing  in  my  life!  Ill  call  the  mate  and  see  if  he 
knows  any  such  angels!" 

"  Don't  make  light  of  it!"  sez  the  woman.  "  I  am  a 
mejuim,  and  I  converse  with  the  beings  of  the  unseen 
world !  'Twas  the  sperit  of  my  fust  husband !" 

Sailors  are  dreadful  supers'tictious  critters,  as  you've 


144      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

no  doubt  heerd  sed,  and  while  the  fat  woman  was  a  talk- 
ing about  sperits  they  all  begun  for  to  look  curis,  and 
kinder  fall  back,  and  it  warn't  more'n  two  minutes  afore 
every  one  of  'em  was  among  the  missing. 

The  captain  he  took  after  'em,  but  they  had  all  gone 
into  the  cook's  place  and  fastened  themselves  in,  and 
one  of  'em  told  the  captain  through  the  keyhole  that 
they  might  as  well  give  up,  for  a  ship  as  had  sperits  on 
it  was  doomed! 

"  Darnation  take  the  old  woman!"  sez  the  captain. 
•'  I'll  wager  it  was  nothing  but  a  cockroach  bit  her!" 

"Help!  murder!  thieves!"  yelled  out  the  sharp  voice 
of  the  woman  I  was  laying  beside  of  and  who  had  jest 
waked  up,  and  felt  over  on  my  face  with  a  hand  that 
smelled  like  a  pound  package  of  yeller  snuff!  "Help, 
or  I'm  a  dead  man !" 

"Whose  got  a  bite  now?"  growled  the  captain,  driving 
his  legs  into  his  trousers  so  far  that  the  legs  of  the 
aforesed  garments  was  nigh  about  up  to  the  calves  of 
his  blue  stockings. 

"Here!  here!"  screeched  the  woman  beside  me. 

"Do  shet  up!"  sez  I.     "I  hain't  a  man!" 

"Yes  you  be!"  shrieked  she.  "I  felt  your  chin  and 
there's  beard  onto  it !" 

"Gracious  airth!"  sez  I.  "I've  noticed  that  I  was  a 
little  inclined  that  way,-  but  it  can't  be  possible  it  has 
cum  to  this!  Turned  into  a  man  in  one  night!" 

And  as  I  .thought  it  over,  you  might  have  knocked 
me  down  with  a  scratched  match! 


CHAPTEK  XXIII. 

THE  SEA-SAKPINT. 


HY  IT  IS  that  some  female  women,  when 
they  git  along  about  to  my  age,  should  go  to 
having  beard  onto  their  chins  and  upper  lips, 
is  what  I  don't  understand,  unless  it  be  that  the  longer 
a  woman  lives  the  more  she  wants  for  to  be  a  man. 

Anyhow,  I  know  it's  terrible  aggeravating,  and  Fve 
used  the  tweezers  onto  my  face  for  the  past  three  year 
as  regerlerly  as  I've  used  soap  and  water.  I  was  very 
well  aware  that  I  had  a  mustache,  but  I  hated  to  be  told 
of  it  afore  all  them  folks. 

A  body  likes  to  keep  something  secrit. 

But  seeing  as  'twas  made  public,  I  thought  it  was  best 
to  put  a  bold  face  on  the  matter. 

"  Jest  you  hold  easy  where  you  be,"  sez  I,  "  and  I'll 
git  up,  and  you'll  see  that  you're  a  leetle  mistook.  'Tain't 
so  much  to  be  wondered  at  that  you  should  be  deceived, 
seeing  as  you're  an  old  maid." 

The  captin  helped  me  down,  and  I  ixplained  matters, 
and  he  made  a  speech  to  the  men,  and  canned  'em  down. 

Who  would  ever  have  thought  there  would  have  been 
such  a  row  all  from  my  grabbing  holt  of  one  of  a  fat 
woman's  understandings? 

Verily,  it  is  true  that 

"  Tall  oaks  from  little  acorns  grow." 


146      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  WS  PERPLEXITIES. 

I  had  read  a  sight  of  novels  before  I  imbarked  onto 
the  briny  deep,  and  a  good  many  of  them  told  about 
men  and  women  being  picked  up  to  sea  in  open  boats, 
jest  as  they  was  on  the  pint  of  starvation,  and  had  eat 
up  all  their  wicked  companions.  So,  naturally  enuff,  I 
ixpected  to  see  a  good  many  open  boats,  with  ship- 
wrecked folks  in  'em,  in  going  so  fur  as  Europe.  I  used 
to  set  on  the  deck  and  look  out  for  'em,  but  they  never 
seemed  to  git  into  the  path  of  the  North  Pole. 

One  day  I  seed  one,  or  thought  I  did.  I  had  on  my 
glasses,  and  I  seed  it  quite  a  distance  off,  a  floating  on 
the  water. 

I  called  Captin  Beck,  and  he  thought  so,  too. 

tc  Shall  git  my  name  into  the  papers,"  sez  he,  rubbing 
his  hands,  "if  it  should  prove  to  be  somebody  as  has 
been  shipwrecked.  I  hope  they've  eaten  somebody— 
that  makes  it  sound  more  desprit.  It  would  be  a  bigger 
thing  altogether.  And  if  it  should  so  turn  out,  ma'am, 
you  shall  share  the  honors  with  me."  And  he  teched 
his  tarpaulin  to  me,  and  went  f  orrud  to  look  at  our  open 
boat. 

I  hain't  very  romantic,  but  I  couldn't  help  thinking 
what  if  there  should  be  a  man  in  that  boat,  and  a  single 
man  at  that — a  widower,  or  a  batcheldore — and  I  should 
nuss  him  back  to  health  and  sperits  with  mustard  plas- 
ters and  Clean  Sweep,  and  he  should  be  grateful,  and 
want  to  show  me  his  grattytude  by  leading  me  to  the 
hymeneal  altar,  would  it  be  best  for  me  to  consent? 

And  my  heart  responded  that  it  would. 

As  the  boat  cum  nearer,  it  wasn't  a  boat,  but  sum- 


THE  SEA-SARPINT.  147 

thin'  else.  A  great  black  consarn  that  sot  up  out  of 
the  water  like  a  house  with  a  suller  kitchen  under- 
neath. 

"  Bust  me!"  sez  the  captin,  "if  it  hain't  the  sea-sar- 
pint, and  we're  goners  now,  for  sartin  \" 

"  Sea-sarpint  to  windard!"  sung  out  a  man  that  was 
on  the  lookout,  and  in  a  minnit  the  news  had  spread  all 
over  the  steamboat,  and  everybody  knowed  that  the 
Xorth  Pole  was  in  danger  of  being  basted  up  by  the 
sea-sarpint. 

I  writ  my  will  in  haste,  and  sealed  it  up  into  an 
empty  Clean  Sweep  bottle,  and  committed  it  to  the 
briny.  If  anybody  finds  it  they  needn't  save  it,  for 
it  hain't  of  no  partickerlar  consequence,  seeing  as 
I'm  still  alive,  and  don't  want  to  will  nothing  to  no- 
body. 

My  will  read  thusly: 

"  I  give  my  farrer  cow  to  Widder  Griffin. 

"All  them  kiverlids  in  the  attic  closet  to  Priscilly. 

"  My  back  hair,  if  my  body  goes  ashore,  to  Ann 
Billings. 

•'My  long-legged  rubber  boots,  and  my  specks,  to 
Glory  Maria  Mason — she  that  was  a  Hodgkins. 

"  Two  striped  petticoats  to  'Siah  Jones'  wife. 

"  A  soapstone,  and  my  corn-popper,  to  old  Uncle  Joe 
Gillis. 

"My  red  rooster,  and  two  ginny  hens,  to  the  St.  Paul 
Church  at  Oyster  Bridge. 


148      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W*  S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"  The  same  number  of  fowls  to  the  St.  Stepheen 
Church,  same  place. 

"  All  the  rest  to  Seeze  and  Tommy. 

"  Eespectfully  yours, 

"  PATIENCE  PETTIGREW." 

Jest  as  I'd  got  my  will  writ  and  sot  afloat,  Elder 
Bangs,  as  was  a  going  to  Europe  for  his  health,  and 
had  got  a  leave  of  absence  because  he'd  kinder  been  too 
gossipy  with  some  of  his  flock,  perposed  prayer:,. 

Housed  we  was  in  grate  danger,  and  if  the  sarpint 
should  get  underneath  that  North  Pole  he  would  hist  us 
all  into  eternity  in  the  twinkling  of  an  eye. 

Everybody  bekum  awful  pious  rite  off.  That  sarpint 
had  as  much  effect  onto  us  as  a  full-grown  thunder- 
shower.  I've  allers  noticed  that  the  majority  of  folks 
is  more  religious  when  it  thunders  than  they  are  any 
other  time  of  year,  and  that  sea-sarpint  had  the  same 
benign  influence. 

Just  as  Elder  Bangs  was  a  going  for  to  hold  fourth, 
the  captain  dropped  the  glass  that  he  had  been  a  squint- 
ing through,  and  roared  out: 

"  Jerusalem  alive!  It's  nothing  but  an  old  log!  Sold! 
by  mighty!" 

And  in  less  than  two  seconds,  every  one  of  them 
kneelers  was  on  his  feet  again,  and  in  five  minutes 
the  most  of  'em  was  playing  keerds,  and  drinking  hot 
sling. 

Sich  is  life! 

Toward  night,  my  seasickness  begun  for  to  cum  on 


THE  SEA-SARPINT.  149 

agin,  and  I  would  have  sold  out  my  partnership  in  life 
for  twenty-five  cents.  My  head  went  round  and  round 
one  way,  and  my  body  round  and  round  another  way, 
and  my  stummak  kept  on  kicking  round,  independent 
of  'em  all.  Everything  and  everybody  was  a  whirling, 
and  about  once  a  minute  the  deck  of  the  North  Pole 


would  fly  rite  up  and  nigh  about  strike  me  on  the  face, 
and  then  back  it  would  go  agin,  and  git  ready  for  an- 
other hist. 

I  stood  leaning  over  the  side  of  her,  a  giving  the  fresh 
codfish  I'd  eat  for  dinner  back  to  its  native  elements, 
when  all  to  once  that  ship  give  a  bounce,  and  I  went 
over  head  fustest  into  the  raging  deep! 


150      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W'S  PERPLEXITIES. 

"Man  overboard!"  sez  I,  in  my  screachiest  tone  of 
voice,  and  then  the  salt  water  poured  into  my  mouth, 
and  choked  me  into  silence. 


CHAPTEE   XXIV. 

RESCUED   AND    MARRIED. 

T  IS  a  very  different  thing  to  read  about  folks 
a  floating  in  the  briny  deep,  and  to  be  your- 
self the  floater.  I  had  much  rather  be  onto 
dry  land  myself. 

And  it  seemed  to  me  that  them  folks  on  the  North 
Pole  didn't  make  so  much  effort  to  git  me  on  board  as 
they'd  ort  to,  considering  what  I'd  did  for  'em  with  my 
Clean  Sweep. 

Suddintly,  jest  as  I  felt  myself  a  going  downards,  some- 
thing seized  onto  me,  and  a  strange  voice  sed,  "  Currage, 
I  am  here!"  And  then  the  next  thing  I  knowed  I  didn't 
know  anything.  This  lasted  for  some  time,  and  when  I 
cum  to  myself  I  was  in  the  state-room  of  a  strange  boat, 
and  there  was  two  Avomen  and  a  man  a  standing  over 
me. 

I  sot  up  in  bed,  and  felt  to  see  if  my  shinyon  hfxi  been 
washed  away,  for  no  matter  how  big  a  strait  a  woman  is 
in  she  don't  like  to  feel  that  people  is  looking  at  her 
and  her  false  hair  gone.  I  don't  know  of  a  more  dis- 
tressing object  than  that  are. 

But,  thank  f ortiii !  my  hair  was  all  there  ixcept  the 
comb,  and  as  that  only  cost  twenty-five  cents  I  thought 
it  warn't  wuth  while  to  take  on  about  it.  I  shouldn't 
wonder  if  some  mermaid  has  got  it  now  to  hold  up  her 
sea-weed  tresses. 


152     PATIENCE  PETTIGREWS  PERPLEXITIES. 

"Where  am  if"  sez  L 

"  You  are  right  here/7  sez  the  man,  f '  safe  and  sound." 

"  Yes/'  sez  I,  "  I  know  I'm  here;  but  where  is  this?'' 

"  This  is  the  steamer  Blazing  Star,  and  bound  for  New 
York/'  sez  he.  "  We  sighted  you,  and  picked  you  up 
just  in  season  to  save  you  from  a  watery  grave. " 

"  I'm  much  obleeged  to  you,"  sez  I,  squeezing  his 
hand,  and  both  the  women  give  me  their  hands,  and  I 
squeezed  them,  too,  though  I  must  say  I  hated  to,  for  it 
seems  like  throwing  things  away  for  one  woman  to  waste 
gratitude  on  another  woman. 

"  You're  quite  welcome,"  sez  he.  "  I  am  always  happy 
to*  be  of  service  to  the  ladies,  and  more  especially  to  a 
lady  as  charming  as  yourself,"  and  he  bowed  so  low  that 
I  seed  he  had  a  bald  place  onto  his  head  almost  the  size 
of  an  old-fashioned  silver  watch,  and  jest  about  as  shiny. 
I  hain't  the  only  bald-headed  person  in  the  world,  not 
by  a  lon£  chalk. 

"  What  might  your  name  be?"  sez  I. 

"  It  is  Josiah  Pettitone/'  sez  he. 

"Goedness  gracious!"  sez  I;  "how  like  to  Josiah 
Pettigrew!" 

"  Who  is  he?"  sez  Mr.  Pettitone. 

"My  husband,"  sez  I. 

"  Your  husband !"  sez  he,  and  his  countenance  fell. 
"  I  was  in  hopes,  ma'am,  that — that  you  were  a " 

"  So  I  am,"  sez  I;  "  I  am  a  lone  widder  woman,  and 
my  late  lamented  has  been  in  his  honored  grave  so  long 
that  the  grass  is  growing  green  over  it,  or  would  be  if  it 
was  the  right  time  of  year,"  and  I  put  my  handkercher 


RESCUED  AND  MARRIED.  153 

to  my  eyes  aiid  sithed,  as  it  is  allers  a  widder's  duty  to  do 
when  her  husband  is  spoke  of. 

Mr.  Pettitone  sithed,  too,  and  so  did  the  two  women, 
which  was  his  two  widdered  sisters,  as  I  afterward  found 


"  HE  SBD  THAT  HE  HAD   NEVER  MET  WITH  NOBODY  THAT  COMB  SO  NIGH 
HIS  BOW  IGEAL  AS  I  DIB— AND  HE  PERI'OSED  TO  ME  KIGHT  THERE." 

out;  and  take  it  all  together,  we  had  a  sitheing  time  of 
it.     It  was  very  affecting. 

After  a  spell  we  come  out  of  it,  and  talked  matters 
over.  Mr.  Pettitone  lived  in  New  York,  and  was  a 
dreadful  rich  man,  and  he  wanted  a  wife.  That  was  the 
amount  of  it. 


154      PA  TIENCE  PE  TTIGRE  W  >S  PERPLEXITIES. 

And  he  sed  that  in  all  his  wanderings  he  had  never 
met  with  nobody  that  come  so  nigh  his  bow  igeal,  as  I 
did! 

And  his  two  sisters  sed  so,  too. 

He  perposod  to  me  right  there,  and  his  sisters  sed  they 
wanted  me  to,  and  I  slept  on  it  one  night  and  give  my 
consent! 

I'm  jest  moving  into  my  new  house,  and  am  terrible 
busy,  or  else  I'd  give  you  a  description  of  the  wedding 
which  was  performed  on  board  the  Blazing  Star  by  a 
minister  as  had  been  to  Europe  for  his  liver. 

It  was  a  very  festive  occasion,  and  everybody  was 
happy. 

Mr.  Pettitone  is  all  that  I  could  desire  in  a  husband, 
and  his  name  being  so  nigh  like  my  fust  husband's  makes 
a  use  for  all  the  fust  Josiah's  shirts  and  stockings,  which 
has  been  laid  by  a  doing  nobody  good,  and  which  I  have 
lamented  over  time  and  agin. 

I  don't  suppose  I  shall  have  much  time  to  write  now, 
for  Josiah  second  sez  he  shall  have  a  good  deal  of  com- 
pany to  entertain,  and  he'll  need  my  services.  And  I 
shan't  make  no  more  Clean  Sweep  till  further  notice. 
So  good-by. 

PATIENCE  PETTIGREW  PETTITONE. 

P.  S. — They  sed  that  when  Almiry  Jane  Splicer  heerd 
of  my  marriage  she  cried  herself  into  the  rebellious  colic, 
and  was  sick  ^reek!  P.  P.  P. 

THB   END. 


ADVENTURES   OF   AN    OLD   MAID. 


THE   OLD   MATD  GOES  TO   BOSTON   AND 
RIDES   WITH   THE  COAL  MAN. 

While  I  was  visitin'  my  niece,  she  that  was 
Araminty  Smith,  I  took  a  notion  I'd  go  to  Bos- 
ton. It  wa'n't  only  a  couple  of  hours'  ride  in  the 
cars,  and  I  had  some  shoppin'  I  wanted  to  dew. 
There  was  several  things  I  wanted  to  git ;  a  new 
cloak  for  one  thing.  You  see,  I'd  wore  my  cloak 
goin'  on  seven  year,  and  mother  'd  give  me  the 
money  a  purpose  to  buy  me  a  harnsome  one. 
Then  I  meant  to  git  some  little  presents  for  the 
children  ;  they  don't  keep  much  'sortment  in 
Crabtown. 

Wall,  I  didn't  meet  with  no  accidents  on  the 
way,  and  got  into  town  quite  early  in  the  fore- 
noon. 

I  thought  I'd  buy  the  presents  for  the  children 
fust,  so  I  went  to  one  or  two  big  toy-shops,  where 
1  fooled  away  more  money  than  I  dare  to  tell  on  ; 
though  I  found  out  my  extravagance  wa'n't 
nothin'  compared  to  some  o'  them  rich  folks'es. 
They'd  hand  out  their  fifteen  or  twenty  dollars 
for  them  toy  things,  and  drive  away  in  their  ker- 
ridges  as  carm  as  you  please.  Lawful  rakes ! 
don't  it  seem  dow^riaht  wicked  to  throw 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

away  money  so,  when  lots  o'  folks  are    sufferin 
for  bread  to  eat  ! 

I  was  pretty  busy  till  long  after  my  usual  din- 
ner time,  and  I  begun  to  feel  tired  and  faint,  so  I 
looked  up  a  place  where  I  thought  I  could  git  a 
comfortable  meal  o'  vittles  and  went  in  and  set 
down.  As  long  as  I  didn't  come  to  Boston  every 
day,  I  meant  to  have  a  nice  dinner  and  take  my 
time  eatin'  it,  so's  to  git  a  good  rest.  I  took  up 
the  book  on  the  table  that  tells  what  you  can 
have  and  how  much  to  pay  for  each  thing,  and 
begun  to  look  it  over. 

Pretty  soon  up  steps  a  tidy-lookin'  young  girl 
and  says  to  me, 

"  What'll  you  have  to-day,  madam?"  says 
she. 

"  Wall,  I  dunno,"  says  I,  smilin';  "  I  hain't  read 
ttie  book  through  yet,  and  hain't  made  up  my 
mind." 

She  says,  "  To-day  is  Friday,  and  you  can  have 
any  kind  o'  fish — we  have  biled  dish,  too;  biled 
dish  twenty  cents,"  and  she  pinted  it  out  to  me 
on  the  book. 

"  Lawful  sakes  !"  says  I,  "  dew  tell  if  you  have, 
biled  dish  here  !     Ketch  me  eatin'  biled  dish    • 
Boston  !     I  can  git  plenty  o'  that  to  home  !"       d 
I  laughed  well. 

She  laughed  too,  but  I  thought  I  wo  o::i> 
hender  her  no  longer,  so  I  said, 

"  Wall,  now  you're  here,  I  might  as  w^l?  settle 
onto  somethin';  sposin'  I  have  a  "  '/ijariosl:e 
RusscT  I  couldn't  pronounce  it,  b'it  I  pit>V;:j 
it  out  10  her  ! 

"  Oh  yes,"  said  she,  "  but  what  else  T 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  9 

"Wall,"  said  I,  "that  depends  on  how  big  a 
"Charlotte  what-ye-may-call-it  is.  If  it's  as  big 
as  a  biled  dish,  I  shan't  want  much  of  anything  else, 
only  a  cup  o'  tea  or  so." 

"  But,  madam,"  said  she,  "  Charlotte  Roosh  is 
a  desert  dish — sort  of  a  cake — ye  know,  and 

ladies  generally  want   somethin'  else  fust  at  din- 

» 
n°" 

"  Is  that  so  ?"  said  I.  Wall,  then,  give  me  some 
lobster  salud' — I  s'pose  that's  made  out  o' lob- 
ster, and  I'm  awful  fond  of  lobster;  and — wall,  I 
don't  see  it  on  the  book — but  can't  ye  give  me  a 
pertater,  and  a  slice  o'  cold  meat  to  go  with  it, 
for  substanshul,  ye  know?  Them  other  things 
I  want  ter  try,  jest  to  see  what  they  be.  Oh,  and 
give  me  a  good  strong  cup  o'  Young  Hyson, 
won't  ye  ?  That'll  rest  me  more'n  anything  else." 

She  seemed  like  a  real  good-natered  girl ;  she 
went  off  smilin',  and  it  wa'n't  long  'fore  she  brought 
all  the  things,  and  they  was  nice  too,  though  I 
must  sav  I  didn't  think  that  '  Charlotte  RoosJi ' 

j 

thing  was  any  great  shakes,  after  all.  Nothin'  in 
the  world  but  cake  with  custard  inside  on't. 

But,  on  the  whole,  I  had  a  good  dinner  and 
.felt  the  better  for  't.  I  told  the  girl  where  I  lived 
when  I  was  to  home,  and  asked  her  to  call  and 
see  me  if  she  ever  come  my  way,  and  she  said  she 
would.  I  got  everything  I  meant  to  buy  before 
dinner,  all  but  my  cloak,  and  I  thought  I'd  go  to 
Holton  and  Maxey's  for  that.  They'd  jest  had 
their  store  all  repaired  over,  and  I  knew  it  would 
be  wuth  seein'. 

Wall,  I  went  in  and  looked  round  a  spell  down 
stairs,  then  I  asked  a  clerk  to  show  me  where  I 


IO  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

could  find  a  harnsome  cloak.  He  pinted  to  some 
stairs,  and  I  went  up  'em,  and  come  to  another 
floor  where  there  was  a  number  of  different 
rooms.  The  fust  was  a  bunnit  room,  and  I  got 
quite  interested  seein'  the  ladies  try  on  bunnits  ; 
sech  harnsome  ones  they  was  !  But  they  don't 
let  ye  alone  long  in  them  stores,  and  pretty  soon 
a  girl  comes  up  and  says  to  me,  "  Do  you  wish  to 
look  at  bunnits  ?" 

"  No,  I  don't,"  says  I.  "  I  want  to  buy  me  a 
cloak,  if  you've  got  any."  She  pinted  ahead  to 
another  room  and  I  passed  on.  That  room  was 
full  o'  dresses,  all  made.  Some  on  'em  was  stun- 
nin'  tew.  I  tell  ye  I  felt  kinder  out  o'  place  in  my 
clo'es ;  they  seemed  so  different,  somehow. 

Wall,  I  went  through  a  good  many  rooms  in 
this  way,  but  I  didn't  see  no  signs  of  any  cloaks, 
and  I  begun  to  git  tired  and  out  o'  patience. 
Finally,  I  walks  up  to  a  man  and  says  I, 

"Mister,  I've  been  handed  round  from  pillar 
to  post  'bout  long  enough  ;  now,  if  there's  any 
place  here  where  I  can  buy  a  cloak,  I'll  be 
obleeged  to  ye  if  you'll  show  me  right  where 
'tis." 

He  pinted  ahead,  as  all  the  rest  had  done,  and 
says  he,  "  Fust  door  to  the  right." 

I  found  a  little  room  all  furnished  nice  like  a 
parlor,  and  not  a  livin'  soul  in  it.  I  s'posed  the 
cloak  room  must  be  nigh,  but  I  thought  I'd 
set  down  and  rest  a  minute,  and  I  declare,  if  I 
didn't  drop  to  sleep  !  And  the  fust  thing  I  knew 
a  young  lady  was  shakin'  me  by  the  arm  like  all 
possesst.  I  opened  my  eyes,  and  when  I'd  come 
to  my  senses  a  little  I  spoke  up,  and  says  I, 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  II 

•'  \  oung  woman,  don't  be  so  rough.  I  didn't 
mean  to  go  to  sleep  in  here  ;  but  there  ain't  no 
narm  done,  I  guess." 

"This  isn't  the  lady's  waitin'-room,  I'd  have  ye 
know,"  says  she,  short  as  pie-crust. 

"  I'm  glad  to  hear  it,"  says  I,  "for  I  begun  ter 
think  they  was  all  waitin'-rooms,  and  I've  waited 
long  enough.  I  wan'  ter  see  some  cloaks  now, 
and  I  want  you  to  show  'em  to  me." 

So  she  did,  and  I  got  me  a  beauty,  at  a  bargin 
tew,  but  it  took  every  cent  o'  money  I  had  left. 
I  didn't  care  as  long's  I  had  my  return  ticket  all 
right,  and  I  felt  as  if  I'd  spent  enough  for  one 
day — more'n  what  I  ought  ter. 

When  I  come  out  o'  Holton  and  Maxey's,  I 
Jooktd  at  the  clock  and  it  said  quarter  of  five,  and 
the  train  left  at  five  o'clock.  "  No  time  to  spare," 
thinks  I  to  myself.  "  Goodness  gracious  me, 
what  if  I  should  git  left  !  What  would  become 
o'  me,  here  all  alone  in  this  great  city,  without  a 
cent  o'  money  to  pay  for  a  night's  lodgin'  ?" 

I  looked  up  street  for  an  omnibus  or  car,  but 
I  declare  for't,  if  they  wa'n't  every  one  on  'em 
goin'  the  wrong  way  !  I  begun  to  feel  narvous,  I 
tell  ye.  I  asked  a  perliceman  what  I  should  dew, 
and  he  said,  "  Wall,  mum,  you  could  take  a  coach." 
But  there  wa'n't  no  coaches — nothin'  but  omni- 
buses and  cars,  and,  as  I  said  afore,  ail  goin'  the 
wrong  way.  I  started  and  run  as  fast  as  I  could 
with  my  arms  full  o'  bundles,  jogglin'  in  and  out 
among  the  crowd,  sometimes  on  the  sidewalk  and 
sometimes  in  the  road.  I  kep'  an  eye  out,  hopin' 
everv  minute  that  some  kind  of  a  wagon  might 

J  O  O 

come  along  that  would  take  me  in. 


12  ADVEtf'jt'URES  OF  AN  OL2>  MAID. 

Wall,  I  run  and  run,  till  I  got  somewheres 
near  the  place  to  turn  off  Washin'ton  Street,  and 
then  I  inquired  the  way  and  struggled  on,  pantin' 
and  out  o'  breath.  Finally,  when  I  was  clean 
beat  out,  and  was  makin'  up  my  mind  to  go  back 
and  ask  a  perliceman  to  take  me  to  the  lobby 
and  lock  me  up  safe  for  the  night,  I  spied  a  man 
on  a  coal-cart  joggin'  along  peaceful  as  could  be 
behind  an  old  white  horse,  and  lookin'  as  if  he 
wa'n't  in  any  hurry  if  the  rest  o'  the  world  was. 

I  didn't  stop  to  think  all  this  then,  though, 
you'd  better  believe,  but  I  rushed  right  out  inter 
the  street,  front  of  him,  as  he  come  up,  and  waved 
my  bundles  and  swung  my  umbrell'  round  like 
mad ! 

The  old  horse  stopped  short  of  his  own  accord, 
and  the  man  on  the  seat  dropped  his  hands  in  his 
lap,  and  opened  his  mouth  and  stared  at  me,  but 
he  never  said  a  word. 

I  clambered  up  onto  the  seat  beside  of  him,  as 
well  as  I  could,  alone — he  didn't  lift  a  finger  to 
help  me — and  grabbed  the  reins  and  whipped  up 
the  old  horse  into  a  smart  gallop. 

Then  the  man  seemed  to  come  to  his  senses  a 
Httle.  He  took  the  reins  away  from  me  and 
made  as  if  he  was  goin'  to  stop. 

"  Old  lady,"  says  he,  "  you  git  out  o'  this." 

"  Oh,  no  ;  I  can't,"  says  I,  givin'  the  old  horse 
a  crack  with  the  whip  that  made  her  jump  so  that 
we  both  almost  fell  over  back'ards  into  the  cart. 
"  Oh  no,"  says  I,  "  I  must  git  to  the  depot,  and 
you  must  take  me  there  !" 

I  looked  him  right  in  the  face  an  appealed 
to  his  feelin's.  (He  was  a  good,  honest-lookin' 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  13 

feller.)  "Young  man,"  said  I,  "have  you  a 
mother  ?"  Then  I  told  him  my  perdickerment 
and  all  about  it,  as  well  as  I  could  for  the  joun- 
cin'  up  and  down,  and  the  holclin'  on.  You  see 
the  seat  wa'n't  nothin'  but  a  loose  board  laid 
acrost  the  top  o'  the  cart,  and  I  was  in  mortal 
fear  o'  my  life  every  minute.  And  oh,  the  noise 
we  made  rattlin'  over  the  stunny  pavements  in 
that  empty  cart  !  A  whole  Fourth  o'  July  slam- 
bang  company  wouldn't  a  been  a  circumstance 
tew  it !  Howsomever,  I  said  to  him  as  loud's  I 
could  scream,  and  he  seemed  to  sense  it,  "I  am 
left  here  alone  in  this  strange  city,  and  if  you'll  get 
me  to  the  five-o'clock  train  in  season  (it's  the  last 
train  I  can  go  on)  you  shall  be  rewarded,  amply 
rewarded,  young  man  !"  It  takes  a  good  while 
to  tell  this,  but  it  all  happened  in  less  than  fifteen 
minutes ;  for  we  drove  up  to  the  depot  jest  in 
season,  and  not  one  minute  tew  soon  nuther. 
The  bell  \vas  ringin'  and  the  train  was  on  the  pint 
o'  startin'. 

I  took  out  my  puss  and — wall — then  it  all 
come  over  me  in  a  flash  how  I  had  swindled 
that  young  man. 

"  I  don't  s'pose  you'll  believe  it,"  I  gasped  out, 
"  but  I  forgot — actewally  forgot — that  I  hadn't  a 
cent  o'  money  left  !  Your  address — your  name, 
and  where  do  you  live  ?  I  will  send  the 
money  !" 

He  seemed  stunned  agin  jest  as  he  \vas  at  fust  ; 
and  I,  feelin'  that  I  hadn't  a  second  to  lose,  run 
for  the  cars,  and  he  started  after  me,  though 
he  hadn't  spoke  a  word. 

Jest  as  the  conductor  was  haulm'  me  up  onto 


f4  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

the  platform  (for  the  train  was  sxartin'),  he  found 
his  voice  and  yelled  out  a  name,  and  street,  and 
number ;  arid  I  heard  it  as  plain  as  I  ever  heard 
anything  in  my  life,  and  I  sollemly  meant  to  re- 
member it,  and  send  him  a  harnsome  present  as 
quick  as  I  got  home  ;  but  the  conductor  spoke 
to  me  ruther  sharp,  asked  me  if  I  wa'n't  ashamed 
o'  myself  "gittin'  onter  the  cars  in  that  shape,  and 
runnin'  such  resks  ?"  And  I  had  ter  explain  tew 
him  that  I  was  anxiuus  to  go  on  that  train,  for 
certain  reasons,  and  so  on.  The  minute  he  left 
me,  I  got  out  my  pencil  to  write  down  that  ad- 
dress, and  as  I'm  a  livin'  woman  I  couldn't  re- 
member the  fust  word  oii't !  I  tried  and  tried, 
but  it  wa'n't  no  kind  o'  use ;  and  J  never  have 
been  able  ter  recall  it  from  that  day  to  this  ! 

I  hain't  been  to  Boston  sence,  but  I  believe  I 
shall  go  a  purpose  to  hunt  up  th?t  poor  young 
man.  I  should  know  him  s^wheres  the  minutt 
1  set  eyes  on  hire 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  >5 


THE   MIND   CURE. 

Of  all  the  cures  that  ever  I  heard  of,  this  'ere 
"  mind  cure"  beats  the  lot !  I  don't  hardly  know 
what  to  make  on't ;  yet  I  am  alwers  open  to  con- 
viction, and  when  I  see  anything  good  'com- 
plished  by  any  manner  o'  means,  I  am  willin'  to 
give  it  credit.  The  most  I  can  say  for  it,  and 
the  least,  perhaps,  is,  that  I  shouldn't  wonder  if 
the  mind  cure  was  jest  like  the  water  cure,  or  the 
grape  cure,  or  any  other  cure ;  good  in  some 
cases  and  for  some  dizease.s,  and  qjood  for  nothin' 
in  others. 

But  they  claim — these  metafysicians  do,  as 
the  mind-cure  folks  call  themselves — that  when 
everybody  fully  understands  and  believes  their 
doctrines,  sickness  and  dizease  will  be  conquered. 
And  I  guess  that's  a  safe  enough  thing  to  say ; 
for  I've  read  their  books  faithful,  and  heard  'em 
lectur'  and  talk  a  good  deal,  and  done  my  best  to 
understand  'em,  and  I've  come  to  the  conclusion 
that  three  quarters  on't  is  sheer  nonsense — a  jum 
ble  o'  words,  nothin'  more.  Some  o'  their  books 
I  dew  think  you  might  as  well  read  back'ards  as 
for'ards,  for  all  sense  they  make  ! 

And  right  here  I'm  goin'  to  stop  and  make  a 
plee  for  plain,  simple  talk  and  simple  writin'. 

Why  can't  folks  express  themselves  so  "s  their 
feller  mortals  can  understand  ?  Why  can't  they 
remember  that  simplicity  is  one  o'  the  vartues 
and  necessitudes  o'  life  ? 


16  ADVENTURES  OF  AN   OL&  MAID. 

Fine  language  is  like  these  'ere  French  dishes 
at  the  fust-class  hotels :  the  origins!  flavor  of  the 
vittles  is  spil't  and  lost  in  the  condyments  and  in- 
gregiences  that  they  fix  'em  up  in.  The  conse- 
quents is,  nobody  with  a  nateral,  healthy  appertite 
enjoys  'em.  Oh,  my  friends,  dew  give  us  plain 
vittles  and  plain  English  !  The  majority  orter 
rule  in  them  things  as  well  as  in  polyticks,  and 
the  majority  sartinly  dew  like  plain  vittles  and 
plain  talk  ;  if  they  don't,  they  orter,  anyway. 

But,  as  I  was  sayin',  it'll  proba'ly  be  a  good 
while  'fore  the  world  will  fully  understand  and 
'dopt  the  doctrin's  of  the  metafysicians,  and  in 
the  mean  time  folks  will  be  sick  'bout  the  same  as 
ever.  Some  will  git  well  o'  their  own  accord,  or 
in  the  course  o'  natur'  without  doctors  and  medi- 
cine, and  some  '11  git  well  in  spite  o'  doctors  and 
medicine,  if  their  constitootions  is  strong  enough. 
Others  will  alwers  believe  they  owe  their  lives  to 
the  mind  cure,  or  some  other  cure — feel  better  ter 
dew  so,  you  know.  I  guess  it's  well  enough 
when  anybody's  sick  to  have  a  doctor,  or  try  a 
"  cure"  of  some  kind.  It's  a  comfort  and  releef — • 
don't  you  think  so  ? 

It's  astonishin'  how  'tached  folks  git  to  theif 
old  family  doctor  !  Mother  often  says  she  couldn't 
die  without  our  Doctor  Bonder ;  and  when  he 
went  away  on  his  trip  to  Californy,  she  declared 
she  wouldn't  be  sick  while  he  was  gone,  for  there 
vva'n't  another  doctor  "she'd  have  to  a  cat !"  And 
she  kep'  her  word,  and  was  real  smart  till  the  day 
after  he  got  home.  Then  she  was  took  down 
with  an  awful  'tack  o'  newralgy,  and  sent  off  for 
him,  post  haste.  But  as  true  's  you  live,  she  was 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  1 7 

so  excited  and  pleased  at  the  thought  o'  seein' 
him  agin,  that  her  newralgy  all  left  her  'fore  he 
got  his  horse  hitched.  And  when  he  come  in  and 
shook  hands  and  asked  her  how  she  did,  she  told 
him  she  was  "rigYit  ismarL,"  and  he  said,  how 
"  she  looked  as  bright  and  harnsome  as  a  young 
girl."  Then  he  begun  to  tell  us  about  his  travels, 
what  he  see,.and  so  on,  and  afterwards  he  stopped 
to  tea.  But  mother's  newralgy  didn't  occur  to 
her  at  all,  till  after  he'd  gone  away  ;  then  all  to 
once  she  remembered  and  seemed  kinder  cut  up 
about  it.  She's  been  sick  a  good  many  times 
sence,  but  she  hain't  had  no  more  newralgy.  Wall, 
there  !  I  never  thought  on't  before,  but  wa'n't 
that  a  clear  case  o'  mind  cure  ?  Of  course  it  was ! 
But  now,  if  she'd  had  a  bile  on  the  back  of  her 
neck,  I  don't  sp'os'e  the  doctor's  visit  would  a' 
made  much  difference,  do  you  ?  I  guess  like 
enough  she'd  had  ter  polticed  it  some. 

They  pertend  to  say  that  there  ain't  no  sech 
thing  in  reality  as  pizen  or  any  other  substance 
that  '11  kill,  unless  you're  a  min'  ter  let  it.  But  I 
was  readin'  the  other  day  about  a  case  that  oc- 
curred in  one  o'  these  ere  metafysician's  own  fam- 
ilies. One  o'  the  children  swallowed  a  dose  o' 
pizen  by  mistake,  and  what  did  they  dew  ?  Same's 
anybody  else  would.  They  give  her  an  emetick  and 
sent  off  for  a  stummick  pump  !  Didn't  wait  to 
try  no  mind  cure,  nor  preach  no  filosofy  !  I  guess 
they  nateraily  argered  that  it  was  best  to  be  on 
the  safe  side  in  sech  a  case,  don't  you  ? 

Did  I  ever  tell  you  about  Aunt  Polly  Davis's 
experience  with  'em  ? 

She'd  suffered  for  years  from  rheumatiz,  and 


1 8  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAW. 

finally  it  seemed  to  settle  mostly  into  one  c,f  hei 
legs,  so  she  couldn't  get  round  the  house  at  all, 
nor  take  a  step  without  it's  'most  killin'  her.  But 
Aunt  Polly  she's  got  an  awful  sight  o'  grit,  and 
she  wouldn't  give  up  and  be  a  helpless,  good-for- 
nothin'  creatur',  even  then,  but  insisted  on  tryin' 
to  walk  some  every  day,  and  Uncle  Biar  (that's 
her  husband)  got  her  one  o'  these  'ere  roll  in' 
chairs,  so  that  with  the  help  o'  the  hired  girl  she 
could  go  out-doors  and  get  the  fresh  air.  She 
used  to  enjoy  life  more'n  some  well  folks,  for  she 
was  real  good  company,  and  wherever  she  went 
there  was  alwers  somebody  ready  to  go  along 
with  her,  or  set  down  and  talk  when  she  got 
ready  to  stop.  All  the  young  folks  liked  her,  and 
thought  it  was  a  great  treat  to  spend  an  afternoon 
at  her  house.  Sometimes  she'd  let  'em  "layover" 
her  burow  drawers  and  boxes,  and  she  alwers  give 
'em  some  trinket  or  other  to  carry  home. 

Yes,  everybody  liked  her  and  everybody  felt 
'bout  as  sorry  for  her  as  if  she  belonged  to  their 
own  folks ;  so,  naterally,  when  that  mind-cure 
doctor  come  to  town  and  begun  to  create  a  fury, 
they  was  for  havin'  Aunt  Polly  try  her. 

Aunt  Polly's  sharp  and  keen  in  her  intellecks— 
she's  well  edicated,  too  ;  kep'  the  deestrick  school 
for  years  'fore  she  was  married,  and  you  can't 
humbug  her  more'n  you  could  Mount  Monad- 
nock,  not  a  mite ! 

Wall,  when  the  Square's  wife  come  to  her  and 
told  her  how  the  new  doctor  had  cured  Seliny 
Watkins,  and  a  number  of  others,  Aunt  Polly 
{augned,  and  says  she, 

•  There  want  aothin'  the  matter  with  ary  one 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  19 

on  'em.  Seliny  was  the  wust,  and  all  ;/VJY  ailded 
her  was  hypo.  There's  a  difference  betwixt  hypo 
and  rheumatiz,"  says  Aunt  Polly.  '  My  dizease 
ain't  in  my  mind  ;  it's  in  my  leg.  Do  you  s'pose 
any  mental  workin's  isagoin'  to  give  me  a  sound 
lim'  ?  Nonsense  !"  says  she. 

"  Wall,  try  her,  anyway,"  says  the  Square's  wife. 
"  She  won't  dew  ye  no  hurt,  and  she  may  dew  y« 
some  good." 

"  All  right ;  fetch  her  along  !"  says  Aunt  Polly. 
So  the  very  next  day  they  sent  her  over. 

Her  name  was — wall,  I  guess  I  won't  tell  hei 
name — but  she  was  a  curis-lookin'  woman  ;  nobody 
ever  looked  like  her.  She  was  kinder  fat  and 
flabby  and  pale,  even  her  lips  was  white  ;  but  her 
eyes  was  the  queerest.  When  she  once  looked  at 
you,  they  seemed  to  fasten  on  and  burn  and  bore 
into  ye,  as  it  were. 

And  she  dressed  herself  up  to  look  as  bad  as 
she  could,  convenient,  Fat  as  she  was,  she  wore 
a  garry-baldy  waist,  and  a  short  skirt  half-way  up 
to  her  knees.  Said  she  wore  it  for  "  convenyence 
and  comfort."  And  we  found  out  she  didn't  eat 
much  of  anything ;  lived  on  speritual  food  and 
Graham  crackers,  mostly.  She  said  she  expected 
ter  get  so's  she  could  live  without  eatin'  at  all, 
sometime — throw  off"  the  "material  body"  and 
its  wants  altogether. 

Aunt  Polly  said  afterwards  that  "  as  long's  she 
was  in  the  body  she  thought  she  orter  tend  tew  it, 
for  looks'  sake,  if  nothin'  more.  She  did  look  like 
the  Old  Harry." 

She  had  a  pleasant  way  enough  with  her ;  and 
when  she  come  and  set  down  side  of  Aunt  Polly, 


2O  ADVENTUK6S  Or   AN  OLD  MAID. 

so  kinder  home-like  and  quiet,  she  didn't  mind 
the  garry-baldy,  nor  the  borin'  eyes.  She  showed 
her  her  lim',  all  swelled  up,  and  out  o'  shape  and 
f  angry,  and  says  she, 

"  There  !  that's  a  pretty-lookin'  lim',  ain't  it  ?" 

The  doctor  sighed  real  pitiful. 

"  It  is  very  bad — in  your  belief — certainly," 
she  said. 

"  In  my  belief  !"  ,says  Aunt  Polly.  "  In  your 
belief  too,  ain't  it  ?  You've  got  eyes — you  see  for 
yourself  !  My  belief  !"  says  Aunt  Polly,  'most  a 
good  min'  ter  be  mad. 

"My  friend,"  says  the  doctor,  ''real  soothin," 
let  me  tell  you,  to  begin  with,  that  we  deny  the 
existence  of  dizease  except  in  the  perverted 
minds  of  deluded  men  and  women.  There  is 
no  dizease  there,"  pintin'  to  the  lim'.  "  We 
deny  it."  She  spoke  very  firm  an  begun  to  bore 
with  her  eyes.  Aunt  Polly  laughed. 

"  I  s'pose  if  you  should  tell  me  there  wa'n't  no 
nose  on  your  face,  you'd  expect  me  to  believe  it  ?" 
she  says,  sarkastic.  Aunt  Polly  didn't  mean 
nothin'  special,  but  the  doctor  woman  had  an 
awful  big,  fat,  round  nose  like  Fredriky  Breemer's 
in  the  picter,  ye  know.  She  clapped  her  hand 
over  her  nose  and  colored  up  red's  a  beet.  Aunt 
Polly  knew  then  that  her  nose  was  her  sensitive 
pint.  Funny,  wa'n't  it  ?  "I  beg  pardon,"  says 
Aunt  Polly,  "  I  didn't  mean  ter  say  nothin'  per- 
sonal." 

"  These  things  must  be  speritually  dizerned, 
my  friend,"  says  the  doctor,  recoverin'  her  dignerty. 
"  Will  you  now,  for  a  few  minutes,  try  to  forgit 
your  body  and  give  your  mind  to  what  I  shall  say  ?" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AAT  OLD   MAID.  21 

She  looked  at  Aunt  Polly  in  her  queer 
way,  and  Aunt  Polly  says,  "  Why,  yes,  I  dunno1 
but  what  I  will — though  the  facts  remain — here 
they  be.  Here's  my  lim'  jest  as  it  is,  an  here's 
your  n — I  mean  here's  Square  Jones's  barn  (look- 
in*  out  o'  the  winder).  They  dew  exist.  You 
can't  wipe  'em  out,  if  you  dew  forgit  'em  !" 

"  I  want  you  to  try  ter  see  that  the  mind  is  in- 
finitely sooperior  to  the  body — the  body  is  only 
its  slave  and  subordinate." 

"  I  should  say,"  speaks  up  Aunt  Polly,  "  that 
with  a  good  many  folks  the  body  was  the  main 
part.  I  know  some  that  hain't  got  mind  enough 
ter  keep  'em  out  o'  mischief  when— 

"  Iwant  you  to  think  of  man  as  he  should  be- 
as  God  made  him,"  says  the  doctor. 

"  Oh,"  says  Aunt  Polly,  "  it's  a  good  while  sence 
he  was  made.  We're  all  in  a  state  o'  sin  and 
misery  now,  you  know.  I  guess  thinkin'  we're 
different  won't  make  us  so  ;  we'll  have  to  take 
folks  as  they  be." 

"  Well,  take  'em  as  they  be !"  answers  the 
doctor,  a  little  grain  out  o'  patience.  "  Ain't  it 
pleasanter  to  think  of  your  sperit  than  of  your 
body  ?  Your  sperit,  which  is  a  part  of  God — is 
God,  with  whom  dizease  or  evil  of  any  kind  can- 
not exist — and  don't  you  see  that  if  you  are  a  part 
of  God  no  dizease  can  really  exist  with  you  ?'J 

"  No,  I  don't  see  no  sech  thing  !  God  give  us 
bodies,  and  I  think  's  likely  they  was  well  enough 
to  begin  with  ;  but  they  didn't  stay  so  long,  and 
they  ain't  now — that  is,  some  on  'em." 

The  doctor  hove  a  deep  sigh.  "  I  see  I  can- 
not do  much  for  you  at  present,"  she  said  ;  "  but 


22  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

possibly  if  you  could  come  to  the  meetin'  to- 
night, you  might  git  started  in  the  right  direc- 
tion." 

"  If  other  folks  can  believe  they  are  well  when 
they  ain't,  I  can,"  says  Aunt  Polly,  "  and  I  mean  to 
give  the  thing  a  thorough  trial.  I'll  go  to  the 
meetin',  I'll  be  there,"  says  Aunt  Polly. 

The  doctor  smiled  encouragin'.  "  You  are  on 
the  right  track  already,  my  friend,"  she  said, 
and  went  away. 

That  night  they  wheeled  Aunt  Polly  to  the 
town-hall  in  her  chair,  and  carried  her  up  the 
stairs  in  their  arms.  The  two  mind-cure  women 
come  along  up  at  the  same  time,  and  one  on  'em 
spoke  and  says, 

"If  you  will,  you  can  walk  down,  a  whole 
woman  !" 

"  P'raps  I  can,"  mutters  Aunt  Polly,  shettin' 
her  teeth  together. 

Well,  they  said  about  the  same  things  that 
she'd  heard,  and  told  over  a  good  many  wonder- 
ful cures  that  had  been  performed.  Though 
they  seemed  to  think  the  mind  was  all  that  needed 
curin'. 

Aunt  Polly  was  all  worked  up  to  the  highest 
pitch  when  they  got  through.  She  remembered 
the  years  she  had  been  in  torment  with  her 
rheumatiz,  and  all  the  time  givin'  herself  credit 
for  throwin'  it  off  oncommon  well ;  and  now  to 
be  told  that  there  wa'n't  no  need  of  all  that  grit 
and  endurance — she  couldn't  stan'  it !  She  speaks 
up,  and  says  she  to  the  women, 

"You  see  me  when  I  was  brought  up  them 
stairs  to-night?"  They  nodded  "We  did;  and 


ADVENTURES  OF  AAr  OLD  MAID.  23 

A  very  bad  way  you  was  in  too — in  belief." 
"  And,"  continues  Aunt  Polly  "  you  mean  ter  say 
that  I  can  walk  down  them  stairs,  and  walk  home 
if  I  only  believe  I  can,  and  will  ter  dew  it  strong 
enough  ?" 

"  There  is  no  doubt  on't,"  they  answers  carmly. 

"  Then  I  will,  if  I  break  my  neck  T  says  Aunt 
Polly. 

The  doctors  looked  kinder  oneasy,  and  all  the 
nabors  gethered  round  and  begged  on  her  not  to 
do  sech  a  foolish  thing,  and  resk  her  life,  but  her 
spunk  was  up. 

"  You  heard  them  cases  they  told  about — wuss 
than  mine  they  was  ?  Wall,  what  they  did  I  can 
do,  and  I  will.  Don't  tech  me — and  don't  hen- 
der  me  !  My  mind's  made  up  !"  Her  hired  girl 
flew  out  to  get  Uncle  Biar  to  come  and  forbid  her 
or  stop  her  somehow  ;  but  la  !  you  might  as  well 
tried  ter  hender  chain  lightnin'!  She  riz  up  and 
hobbled  out  quite  smart  to  the  head  o'  the  stairs, 
and  then  with  her  teeth  shet  firm  together,  and  an 
awful  look  in  her  eyes,  and  with  us  all  a  watchin' 
and  holdin'  our  breath,  not  darin'  to  touch  her, 
she  actewally  steps  off  from  the  broad  top  stair 
and — 

Wall,  Uncle  Biar  got  there  jest  in  time  to  pick 
her  up,  at  the  bottom  o'  the  stairs,  where  she 
tumbled  and  lay  all  in  a  bruised,  senseless  heap  ! 
And  her  well  leg  was  broke  ! 

They  took  her  home  and  put  her  to  bed,  and 
we  all  expected  to  lose  Aunt  Polly  sure.  In  the 
mornin'  the  mind-cure  women  wa'n't  to  be  found. 
They  had  disappeared — left  town.  But  I  won't 
keep  you  in  suspense.  Aunt  Polly  didn't  die. 


24  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

She  laid  there,  I  don't  know  how  many  weeks ; 
and  when  her  broken  lim'  got  wells  the  other 
one  was  well  too  !  And  she  hain't  never  had  no 
more  rheumatiz  from  that  day  ter  this  ! 

She  don't  lay  up  nothin'  aginst  the  romd-cura 
folks  ;  she  says  they  cured  her,  after  all 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD   flfAID.  25 


HER  EXPERIENCE   IN   PALMISTRY. 

They  call  it  "  Parmistry"  now-days,  and  speak 
on't  as  an  "  occult  sience,"  and  so  on  ;  but  'tain't 
nothin'  in  the  world  but  jest  tellin'  fortunes  by 
the  lines  o'  the  hands. 

We  didn't  use  to  calkerlate  that  anybody  knew 
much  about  it  but  "  hory  sages"  and  gipsies,  but 
now  it's  all  the  rage  among  fashnerble  people  and 
respectable  folks,  same's  paintin'  on  chiny  or 
Kensin'ton  embroidery,  you  know. 

When  I  was  down  to  the  beach  'long  with  my 
niece — she  that  was  Araminty  Smith — every- 
body was  chuckin'  full  on't ;  it  did  beat  all ! 

The  young  fellers  went  into  't  head  fust.  It 
give  'em  such  a  good  chance  to  hold  the  girls' 
hands,  and  look  into  their  eyes,  and  dew  a  good 
many  things  they  couldn't  no  other  way. 

And  the  girls,  they  was  glad  o'  the  excuse  to 
say  disagreeable  things  to  them  they  had  a  spite 
aginst,  and  to  make  love  in  an  underhanded  way, 
as  ye  might  say,  to  the  young  men  they  liked  the 
looks  on. 

There  was  one  harnsome,  black-eyed  girl  to 
the  hotel  where  we  stopped,  that  knew  more 
about  it  than  all  the  rest  of  'em  put  together. 
They  called  her  the  "Gipsy  Queen,"  and  every 
evenin'  when  we  was  all  down  in  the  parlors, 
there'd  be  a  crowd  round  her,  havin'  their  for- 
tunes told.  It  was  curis  to  hear  her  go  on  ;  ruther 
onpleasant  too,  sometimes.  She  had  sech  a  way 


26  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

o'  huntin'  out  a  person's  weak  pints,  and  holdin1 
em  up  for  the  rest  to  laugh  at.  But,  after  all,  she 
ivas  good-natered  about  it  ;  and  as  she  sarved  us 
pretty  much  alike,  nobody  thought  o'  gittin'  mad 
at  her. 

Wall,  after  we  got  home,  Minty  and  me,  we 
continered  to  think  o'  the  subjeck,  and  finally  we 
took  a  notion  we'd  study  up  so  we  could  tell  for- 
tunes ourselves.  We  went  on  and  ransacked  the 
bookstores  and  libries  from  one  end  ter  t'other; 
and  we  examined  and  studied  the  hands  of  all 
the  members  o'  the  family,  till  they  was  com- 
pletely wore  out.'  Jack — that's  Minty's  husband 
• — said  how  his'n  was  paralized. 

Jack  had  an  oncommon  good  hand  to  study, 
bein  's  the  lines  was  so  clear  and  deep,  and  sech 
a  lot  on  'em.  He  said  w«i'd  found  everything 
there,  "from  a  large  farriiiy  o'  children  to  a  sea 
voyage — everything  but  a  five-dollar  bill." 

When  we'd  worked  ourselves  into  quite  an  ex- 
citement over  it,  and  our  resorces  was  pretty  nigh 
exhausted,  Jack  he  come  to  the  rescue,  as  it 
were.  One  day  he  come  luggin'  along  in  to  the 
room  where  we  set  the  biggest  book  I  ever  see  ! 
He  laid  it  down  onto  the  table  as  careful  as  if  it 
had  been  so  much  gold. 

"  There,  girls,"  says  he,  "if  you  must  study  the 
black  arts,  you'd  better  go  to  the  founting  head. 
You  see  this  'ere  book  ?  Wall,  here's  the  hull 
thing !  Now  I  advise  you  to  set  right  down  tew 
it  and  make  yourselves  comf'terble.  And  mind, 
hereafter  I  want  you  to  let  me  alone." 

Minty  dropped  on  her  knees  before  the  mbn« 
strous  volyume  and  looked  at  the  title-page. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  2J 

"  Why,  Aunt  Ruth  !"  she  said,  "  it's  over  two 
hundred  years  old!  Think  of  it !  And,  oh  dear 
me,  do  look  at  all  the  queer  diergrams  and  things  ! 
How  on  airth  did  you  git  hold  o'  sech  a  treasure, 
Jack?" 

"  Money  fetched  it,"  said  he,  laughin'.  "  I  paid 
a  dollar  for  every  year,  and  more  too.  All  I 
hope  is,  that  you'll  git  the  vally  o'  the  money  out 
on't !"  And  he  shrugged  up  his  shoulders  and 
went  off  laughin'. 

Wall,  I  don't  s'pose  it  was  no  more  nor  less'n 
idolatry  the  way  we  acted  with  that  old  book. 
One  or  t'other  on  us  was  on  our  bended  knees 
afore  it  the  biggest  part  o'  the  time.  But  it  was 
dretful  hard  gittin'  anything  practikle  out  on't, 
because  the  writer  seemed  to  be  one  o'  them  prosy, 
long-winded  fellers  that  never  says  anything  right 
straight  out,  nor  comes  to  the  pint  'less  they're 
'bliged  tew.  So  we  had  to  wade  through  oceans 
o'  words  to  git  a  single  idee. 

It  was  all  spelt  with  long  s's  too.  I  must  say, 
I  think  there's  been  improvements  in  the  art  o' 
spellin',  if  in  nothin'  else.  Our  forefathers  was 
awful  shif'less  'bout  some  things  !  However,  we 
managed  to  git  a  good  deal  that  was  new  and 
curis,  that  we  couldn't  probably  a  found  anywheres 
else.  I  s'pose  that's  what  made  the  book  wuth 
so  much — though  Jack  says  now-days  anything 
two  hundred  years  old  is  wuth  its  weight  in  gold, 
except  old  maids,  and  them  don't  fetch  half-price. 

Wall,  when  we'd  got  the  "mounts"  and  "  lines" 
and  things  pretty  well  fixed  in  our  heads,  we  be- 
gun to  be  crazy  to  tell  everybody's  fortune. 

Our  washwoman  was  one  o'  the  fust  subjecka 


28  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  AfA/D. 

we  lited  on  to.  She  took  her  great  hand  out  o' 
the  tub  and  held  it  up  to  us  drippin'  with  suds, 
as  tickled  as  could  be  to  have  her  fortune  told. 
There's  nothin'  more  univarsal  than  the  desire  to 
know  the  futur',  is  there  ? 

Biddy's  hand  was  a  sight  to  see  ;  as  red  as  a 
piece  o'  beef,  and  all  scarred  and  seamed  !  There 
was  holes  on  the  back  that  the  rats  gnawed  when 
she  was  comin'  over  from  Ireland  in  the  steerage. 
One  finger  had  been  took  off  by  a  machine,  and 
the  rest  was  all  drawed  out  o'  shape  with  rheu- 
matiz.  It  didn't  take  no  sience  nor  book  larnin' 
to  tell  that  poor  Biddy's  lot  had  been  a  hard  one. 
But  she  asked  the  same  question  they  all  do,  in- 
variable. 

"  Shall  I  live  long?"  says  she.  "  I  should  like 
ter  live  long,  mum,"  lookin'  up  into  my  face, 
wistful  and  confidin'  as  a  child. 

She  had  lived  long  a'ready  She  was  in  her 
sixty-fifth  year,  but  bein'  's  sne's  perfectly  well, 
and  tough  as  an  ox,  she  bids  fair  to  live  many  a 
year  longer. 

So  I  says,  "'Cordin'  to  all  'pearances,  Biddy, 
you'll  live  forever." 

"An'  is  it  rich  I'm  goin'  to  be?"  she  asked 
next,  just  as  they  all  do. 

"  I  don't  see  no  legacies  nowheres,"  says  I ; 
"  but  you'll  never  want  for  bread." 

"  Ligacies,  is  it?"  she  repeated,  with  a  broad 
grin.  "  Sure  an'  I've  had  me  ligacy !  Didn't 
Mary  Mulrooney  lave  me  the  ilegant  warmin'- 
pan  ?  Wait,  now,  till  I  tell  ye  how  it  was. 
When  I  went  to  borry  it  of  her  the  last  time,  she 
was  mad,  and  she  says  ter  me,  '  Biddy  Sulliva-n. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD   MAID.  2g 

it's  tired  o'  lindin'  I  am,  intirely  !  Kape  the  long- 
handled  thing  now,  till  I  call  for  it/  says  she. 

"  And  whin  I  heard  she  was  dead  the  other 
day,  I  claps  me  ould  man  on  the  back,  and  says 
I,  '  Mike,  she'll  niver  call  for  the  warmin'-pan 
now  ! '  says  I.  '  Thrue  for  you,'  says  he,  '  it's  a 
ligacy  ! '  That  same  was  his  very  word.  But  go 
on  with  the  fortune,  mum." 

"Oh,  you  have  a  good  heart-line,  and  a  fair 
head-line,  and  your  last  days  will  be  your  best," 
says  I,  glib  as  a  poll-parrot. 

"  Glory  be  to  God  for  that,  mum !"  says 
Biddy,  fervent  as  a  Methodist  meetin'.  "  What 
with  Mike's  batin's,  whin  he's  in  the  dhrink,  and 
me  pinin'  for  the  fine  litter  o'  pigs  gone  from  us 
in  the  spring,  it's  nade  enough  I  have  o'  better 
times ;  it  is  indade !"  and  a  big  tear  or  two  fell 
into  the  wash-tub. 

It's  curis,  but  everybody  wants  fortune  to 
bring  'em  somethin'  they  hain't  got  and  can't  have. 
Them  that  hain't  no  children  are  dretful  anxious 
to  find  them  in  their  hands.  The  poor  want 
legacies  and  riches  ;  fools  want  honors  ;  and  cut- 
and-dried  old  maids — that  all  the  signs  in  the 
Zodiack  couldn't  alter  —  they  want  husbands. 
And,  funniest  of  all,  married  folks  are  dyin'  to 
have  you  say  they're  goin'  to  be  widders  or  wid- 
derrers  pretty  soon  !  And  when  you  tell  'em 
they'll  probably  enjoy  a  good  many  years  with 
their  present  pardners,  they  don't,  as  a  gineral 
thing,  look  quite  happy. 

Minty's  minister  is  a  good  man,  but  awful  sot 
and  old-fashioned  in  his  notions,  and  he  wants 
everybody  to  think  jest  as  he  does. 


30  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Now  I  like  these  'ere  old-fashioned  folks,  my- 
self, and  hain't  a  word  to  say  aginst  'em,  only  I 
dew  believe  most  on  'em  have  weak  spots,  jest 
the  same  as  other  folks.  Minty's  minister  had, 
and  I  must  say  I  was  sorry  to  have  a  hand  in 
findin'  'em  out. 

You  see,  somebody'd  told  him  how  carried 
away  we  was  on  the  subjeck  o'  Parmistry,  and 
about  our  old  book,  and  so  on,  and  what  does  he 
dew  but  come  right  over  to  set  us  right. 

He  spoke  out  very  severe ;  said  how't  he  was 
"sorry  to  see  any  o'  his  flock  spendin'  their 
airthly  probation  in  such  friverlous,  not  to  say 
wicked,  pursoots,"  and  he  wound  up  as  follers : 

"  Fortune-tellin',  my  dear  ladies,  is  no  more 
nor  less  than  a  silly  humbug,  by  which  only  the 
ignorant  and  superstitious  should  be  took  in," 
etc.,  etc. 

"  Yes,  sir,  I  know,"  says  Minty,  lookin'  up  at 
him  with  her  great  eyes,  humble  and  respeckful 
as  could  be,  "  of  course  nobody  would  expect 
you  to  take  any  stock  in  it ;  we  don't  really,  but 
it  is  curis  and  amusin'  sometimes." 

She  turned  her  face  up  to  his,  innercent  as  a 
baby,  and  took  hold  o'  one  of  his  white  hands, 
and  looked  at  it  kinder  absent  like,  then  turned 
it  over  and  looked  agin  at  the  palm. 

He  had  known  her  ever  sence  she  was  a  baby, 
and  he  was  old  enough  to  be  her  par ;  so  now  he 
smiled  down  onto  her,  indulgent  but  very  soo- 
perior. 

"  What  nice  hands !"  says  Minty  ;  "  long,  taper- 
in'  fingers — hands  o'  the  highest  order,  'cordin'  to 
the  old  book,  Aunt  Ruth." 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID,  31 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  drawin'  my  chair  up  along-side, 
"  and — he's  got  a  double  line  o'  life,  Minty 
Smith  !  The  fust  one  I  ever  see  !" 

"And  what  might  a  'double  line  o'  life'  be, 
and  what  does  it  portend  ?"  he  asked,  sarcastick 
and  grand  as  the  Great  Mogul. 

"  Oh,"  says  Minty,  follerin'  it  out  with  her 
finger,  "that's  it,  and  it  means  everything  good 
and  great !" 

"  And  then,"  she  goes  on  gushin',  "  your 
head-line  is  wonderful  deep  and  clear,  and  your 
heart-line — oh,  dear  !  it  must  be  tryin'  for  a  minis- 
ter of  the  Gospil  to  be  sech  a  favorite  with  the 
ladies !"  She  sighed  and  looked  at  him  admir- 
in'ly. 

"  Come,  come  !"  laughed  the  minister,  givin' 
up  both  his  hands  to  her  and  sett.lin'  back  com- 
fortable in  his  chair.  "It  is  amusin' — that  is, 
rarther — for  anything  so  foolish,  you  know.  You 
may  go  on,  my  child."" 

Then  she  told  him  a  good  deal  that  tickled 
and  flattered  him  mitily.  So  fur  it  was  all  favor- 
able. But  all  of  a  suddin  Minty  give  a  little 
scream  and  dropped  his  hand. 

"  Was  you,  ever  drowndedf — Oh  dear!  I  beg 
pardon ;  of  course  you  never  was !  But  didn't 
you  never  fall  into  the  water  nor  nothin'." 

"  Never !"  says  the  minister,  lookin'  wild  and 
settin'  bolt  upright  in  his  chair.  "  What  dew  you 
mean,  child  ?" 

Minty  looked  distressed,  but  she  didn't  answer. 

"  What  do  you  see  ?  or  what  do  you  think  you 
see  ?"  asked  the  minister. 

Minty  laughed   kinder   histerikle.     "  Pshaw  S" 


32  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

she  says,  "  of  course  there  ain't  nothin'  in  it,  no 
way." 

'•  Certainly  not — of  course  not ;  but  perceed," 
he  said,  tryin'  to  smile.  "I  assure  you  I  find  it 
very  amusin' — very  much  so,  indeed." 

"  But  it  ain't  exactly  funny — or  wouldn't  be 
if  it  was  true,"  said  Minty.  "  See  here !"  and, 
turnin1  to  a  diergram  in  the  old  book,  she  showed 
him  where  the  tips  of  the  fingers  was,  full  of 
wavy  little  lines ;  and,  sure  enough,  there,  on  every 
finger  of  the  minister's  hand,  was  jest  the  same 
lines,  as  plain  as  day,  and  it  said  in  the  book  that 
sech  signs  meant  dangers  by  water,  or  death  by 
drownin . 

The  minister  laughed  a  feeble  little  laugh  and 
picked  up  his  hat  to  go. 

"  Curis,  very  curis,  certainly,"  he  said,  "but 
foolish." 

"  I  s'pose  it  is,"  said  Minty,  most  a  cryin';  but 
if  I  was  you,  I'd  keep  -away  from  the  water. 
Don't  never  go  nigh  it,  will  you  ?" 

"  Our  lives  are  in  the  Lord's  hands,"  he  an* 
swered,  very  sollum. 

"  Yes,  but  you'll  be  safest  on  dry  land,"  said 
"Minty,  and  he  went  away. 

Now,  sot  as  he  was,  strong  in  doctrine  and  in 
intelleck  as  he  was,  he  had  his  weak  spot,  didn't 
he  ?  And  he'll  be  afraid  o'  the  water  as  long  as 
he  lives ! 

He  even  went  so  fur  as  to  have  an  artificial 
pond  on  his  grounds  filled  up.  Said  how't 
"  standin'  water  wa'n't  helthy ;"  and  when  his 
socierty  offered  him  a  vacation  and  money  to  pay 
his  expenses  to  go  to  Europe,  he  took  the  vaca* 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  33 

tion  and  the  money,  biu  his  physician  didn't 
think  a  sea-voyage  would  be  beneficial  tew  him, 
so  he  went  to  the  White  Mountings  instid." 

"  Poor  man,"  said  Minty  when  she  heard  about 
it ;  "  he  needn't  hang  off ;  if  he  is  to  be  drownded 
he  will  be,  if  he  never  goes  nigh  the  water !" 

But  between  you'n  me,  I  don't  believe  much 
in  Parmistry  nor  pny  other  fortune-tellin'. 


34  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


POOR  AUNT  BETSEY. 

I  was  settin'  by  my  winder  the  other  morning 
and,  hearin'  the  sound  o'  voices,  I  looked  out,  and 
there  was  old  Aunt  Betsey  Griffin  and  her  little 
nefew  Jimmy,  down  on  their  knees  in  our  door- 
yard  diggin'  dandylions. 

Aunt  Betsey's  awful  deaf,  and  Jimmy  he  had 
«»er  holler  loud's  he  could  in  his  little  pipin'  voice 
to  make  her  hear. 

"Aunt  Betsey!"  he  screamed,  "what  made  ye 
bring  sech  a  great  big  basket  for  ?" 

"  'Cos,"  says  Aunt  Betsey,  "  I  wanted  ter  git  a 
good  mess.  Yes,"  says  she;  diggin'  away,  "  we 
wan'  ter  git  a.  good  mess,  Jimmy.  I  says  to  your 
marm  this  mornin',  '  Mary,  we  hain't  had  a  dish 
o'  greens  this  spring,'  says  I,  '  and  I'm  jest  han- 
kerin'  arter  some,  as  it  were.  Dandylions  is  real 
healthy  in  the  spring  o'  the  year,  and  they'd  go 
fust  rate  'long  o'  the  biled  dish  tier  day.' 

"'All  right,'  says  your  marm,  'only  if  you.  git 
any,  git  K.  good  mess  ;  I  wouldn't  wash  a  little  dab 
on  'em  and  git  'em  ready  ter  bile  for  'em.' 
"And  she  shall  have  a  good  mess,"  says  Aunt 
Betsey,  chucklin'  and  pullin'away  at  a  tough  one. 
"  She  shall  have  a  good  mess  on  'em,  Jimmy." 

Jimmy  laid  drfown  on  the  grass  and  begun  ter 
play  "  stick"  with  his  old  case-knife. 

"  Say,  Aunt  Betsey,"  he  screams  pretty  soon, 


"AUNT  BETSEY!"  HE   SCREAMED,   "WHAT  MADE  YE  BRING  SECH 

GREAT   BIG   BASKET   FOR?"       (Page  34.) 

35 


36  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

"  I'm  all  tuckered  out !  Hain't  we  got  'bout 
enough  ?" 

Aunt  Betsey  straightened  herself  up  slow— for 
her  jints  is  stiff — and  looked  inter  the  baskit. 

"  Wall,  I  dunno  but  we  have,"  says  she  ;  "  you 
can  carry  'em  home  to  your  marm — dandylions 
ain't  heavy — and  I'll  jest  step  in  and  see  Ruth 
Ann  a  few  minutes,  now  I'm  here." 

I  alwers  like  to  have  Aunt  Betsey  come,  but 
she's  got  a  way  o'  tellin'  the  same  stones  over'n 
over  every  time  you  see  her,  and  some  folks  think 
it's  kinder  tiresome  ;  but  la !  as  long  as  she  enjoys 
it  and  it  don't  hurt  nobody,  let  her  dew  it,  I  say. 
Old  folks  can't  be  young  folks,  of  course.  She's 
a  good  woman  if  ever  there  was  one,  and  bright 
as  a  button  about  some  things,  notwithstandin'  all 
she's  been  through. 

When  she  come  in  I  give  her  the  rockin'  chair 
and  screamed  into  her  ear  as  loud's  I  could, 
"  How  do  ye  dew  to-day,  Aunt  Betsey  ?"  I  gin- 
erally  manage  to  make  her  understand  as  much  as 
that  to  begin  with,  and  then  let  her  go  on  and  do 
the  heft  o'  the  talkin'  herself. 

"  Oh,"  says  she,  "  I'm  middlin'  smart — from  fair 
ter  middlin' — considerin'." 

That's  what  she  alwers  says,  invariable. 

Then  she  looked  out  o'  the  winder  and  laughed 
in  her  simple  way,  and  I  knew  jest  what  was 
comin',  but  I  let  her  run  on. 

"  It  was  sech  a  mornin'  as  this,  Ruth  Ann," 
says  she,  "in  the  spring  o'  the  year,  in  dandylion 
time,  that  marm  and  I  was  washin'  a  mess  o' 
greens  for  dinner,  and  all  to  once  there  come  a 
rap  on  the  door,  and  lookin'  out  o'  the  winder  we 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  37 

see  a  great  white  boss  standin'  by  the  gate,  with  a 
gay  saddle  on  him,  and  a  darky  holdin'  him  by 
the  bridle. 

"  Marm  she  went  ter  the  door,  and  there  stood 
as  harnsome  a  man  as  I  ever  set  eyes  on — all 
dressed  up  in  his  regimentles,  he  was — and  he 
took  off  his  hat  to  marm  as  perlite  as  you  please, 
and  made  her  a  bow. 

"  '  How  do  you  do,  madam  ?'  says  he. 

"  Marm  kerchied  down  ter  the  floor,  and  says 
she,  '  I  hope  I  see  ye  well,  sir  ;  won't  ye  come  in  ?' 

"  '  Thank  you,'  says  he,  as  perlite  as  you  please, 
and  he  come  in  and  set  down,  and  put  his  hat  on 
the  floor.  Then  he  asks, 

"  '  Is  your  husband  about  home  this  mornin'  ?' 

"'No,  sir;  I'm  sorry  ter  say  he  ain't,' says 
marm ;  *  he's  jest  gone  down  ter  the  vil« 
lage.' 

" '  Very  well,'  says  he,  '  I  shall  find  him  there, 
I  presume.' 

"And  he  picks  up  his  hat  as  if  ter  go,  when  he 
spies  me  a-hidin'  behind  his  chair,  and  lookin'  at 
him  bashful,  with  my  finger  in  my  mouth. 

"  I  was  only  a  little  gal,  but  he  turns  round  ter 
me,  lookin'  kinder  sollum  and  gentle  inter  my 
face,  and  he  puts  his  hand  on  my  head  and  says 
he,  '  Little  gal,  grow  up  ter  be  a  blessin'  and 
comfort  to  your  mother.' 

"Them  was  his  identikle  words,  Ruth  Ann," 
says  Aunt  Betsey,  snifflin'  and  wipin'  her  eyes,  as 
she  alwers  does  when  she  gits  ter  this  place  in  her 
story. 

"  Yes,  he  laid  his  liand  on  to  my  head — and  I 
was  an  awful  bashful  little  gal — but  I  looked  up 


38  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

into  his  face  when  he  spoke  them  words,  and  I 
says,  tremblin', 

"  '  Mister,  I  will,'  says  I  ;  and  then  I  hung  down 
my  head  scairt  enough  ;  but  I  never  forgot  the 
smile  he  give  me,  nor  how  good  and  carm  he 
looked,  like  the  picters  of  the  Lord  in  the  big 
Bible ;  and  I  felt  pooty  much  as  if  the  Lord 
Himself  had  took  my  promise,  as  it  were. 

"Wall,  then  he  bows  ter  marm  and  me,  and 
goes  out  and  jumps  on  to  his  great  white  hoss 
and  gallops  away. 

"  And  I  never  forgot  them  words,"  says  Aunt 
Betsey  agin,  rockin'  and  lookin'  off  across  the 
fields  in  a  dreamy  kind. of  way  ;  "  and  while  I  was 
a-takin'  care  o'  marm  all  them  years  alone,  and 
she  a  helpless  creatur',  I  often  said  it  over  to  my- 
self, '  Be  a  comfort  to  your  mother : '  and  I  alwers 
answered  back  as  I  did  that  mornin',  '  I  will,  I 
will.'  And  I  guess  I  was  ;  leastways,  marm  used 
ter  say  to  me,  '  Darter  Betsey,  you're  good  to 
your  poor  old  marm.  The  Lord  reward  ye  !' 

"  But  she  never  knew  all  I  give  up  for  her  sake. 
I  wouldn't  let  her  know.  Poor  old  soul !  She 
had  trouble  enough  of  her  own  to  bear,  without 
thinkin'  o'  mine.  What  with  her  aches  and  pains, 
and  father's  takin'  ter  drink,  and  brother  Joe's 
runnin'  away,  a  body'd  say  she  didn't  need  much 
more  ter  kill  .her.  It  was  a  mystery  how  she 
lived  as  long  as  she  did." 

Aunt  Betsey  fell  ter  musin'  here,  and  kep'  still 
for  some  little  time  ;  but  she  hadn't  got  done. 

"  Marm  never  knew,  for  I  never  told  her,"  she 
goes  on,  bimeby.  "  I  never  told  her  how  I  sent 
Dan'l  Jones  a-goin'  when  he  asked  me  ter  marry 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  39 

him,  ruther'n  leave  her  to  the  care  o'  strangers. 
I  was  all  she  had,  ye  see,  and  I  dunno's  I  was 
ever  sorry  I  done  it ;  only  now  she's  dead  and 
gone,  and  I'm  an  old  woman  myself,  it  doos  seem 
ruther  hard,  sometimes,  that  I  shouldn't  have  no 
darter  to  take  care  of  me  in  my  old  age  ;  nobody 
but  sister  Griffin,  and  she  only  a  half-sister,  and 
grudgin'  at  that.  'Seems  's  if  the  Lord  had  forgot 
all  I  done  for  marm — 't  any  rate  He  don't  seem 
to  consider  me  wuth  bein'  took  care  on — but 
there,  Ruth  Ann!— 

She  looked  up  inter  my  face  with  a  pitiful 
quiverin'  kind  o'  smile  that  I  couldn't  stand  no 
way.  I  took  her  poor  old  wrinkled  hands  in 
mine,  and  screamed  into  her  ear  that  I  felt  for 
her,  and  that  I  didn't  believe  the  Lord  had  for- 
got her,  and  so  on. 

"  Oh,  it's  all  right,  it"s  all  right,  I  know,  Ruth 
Ann,"  she  says,  "  but  I  can't  help  speakin'  out 
sometimes.  I  dew  hope  I  shall  be  forgiven — that 
the  Lord  won't  lay  it  up  agin  me,  considerin'." 

She  whimpered  a  little,  and  then  wiped  up  her 
eyes,  and  set  rockin'  easy,  back'ards  and  for'ards, 
for  quite  a  spell,  till  finally  she  dropped  off  to 
sleep.  Poor  old  soul  !  I  s'pose  she  was  tired. 

When  she  waked  up,  I  went  into  the  bedroom 
and  got  six  great  red  peppermints  for  her — she's 
master  fond  o'  peppermints — and  she  eat  one  or 
two  of  'em  and  brightened  up  wonderful.  Pep- 
permints be  warmin'  and  comfortin',  that's  a  fact ! 

I  knew  she  hadn't  finished  her  story  yet 'cordin' 
ter  rule,  and  I  begun  to  think  that  for  once  she 
was  goin'  ter  forgit  about  it.  But  it  wa'n't  so. 
She  put  on  her  sun-bunnit  and  riz  up  to  go,  then 


4O  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

she  turned  round  to  me,  and  pintin'  her  finger 
very  impressive,  she  says, 

"  Ruth  Ann,  that  man  that  called  on  me  and 
marm  that  spring  mornin'  when  we  was  a-cleanin' 
greens  was  Gineral — George — Washington'" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  41 


SHE  FINDS  THE  COAL-MAN. 

SEQUEL  TO   "SHE   GOES  TO   BOSTON." 

You  remember  I  told  you  about  my  scrape 
with  that  coal-man,  last  Christmas,  when  I  was 
to  Boston  ?  How  I  made  him  take  me  to  the 
depot,  and  then  hadn't  a  cent  o'  money  to  pay 
him,  after  promisin'  to  reward  him  liberal,  too  !  I 
didn't  mean  no  harm  more'n  a  baby,  but  I  know  he 
thought  I  was  a  svvindlin',  lyin'  woman,  goin'  round 
loose  a-gittin'  my  livin'  by  workin'  onto  folkses 
feeliris',  and  stealin'  rides  out  o'  poor  coal-men  ! 
He  hadn't  no  means  o'  knovvin'  the  truth  o'  the 
matter,  you  see,  and  it  did  look  bad — it  looked 
aginst  me,  that's  a  fact.  It  would  'a'  been  easy 
enough  to  set  the  matter  right,  if  I'd  only  re- 
membered the  feller's  address,  but  I  give  up 
tryin'  to  dew  that  long  ago  ;  twa'n't  no  kind  o' 
use.  I'd  settled  it  in  my  mind,  though,  that  some 
time,  pretty  soon  tew,  I  must  hunt  up  that  coal- 
man and  have  a  settlement.  But  how  to  dew  it 
and  where  to  begin — that  was  the  question.  I 
thought  it  over'n'  over  till  I  was  jest  about  crazy. 
I  couldn't  eat  nor  sleep,  and  mother  she  begun  to 
worry  about  me  and  dose  me  with  all  kinds  o' 
herbs  and  doctor's  stuff.  I  took  'em  ter  please 
her,  but  /  knew  it  wouldn't  do  no  good.  It  was 
my  mind  that  was  'fected.  This  is  the  way  things 
was  with  me,  when  I  got  a  letter  from  Jack  and 


42  ADVENTURES  OF  AAr  OLD  MAtD. 

Mintytellin'  me  that  they  had  moved  into  Boston, 
and  urgin'  me  to  come  down  right  off  and  make 
a  good  long  visit.  I  said  to  once,  "Mother,  it's  a 
providence  ;  I'll  go  !  Now's  my  time,  and  Minty 
will  help  me."  So  I  got  ready  as  quick's  I  could 
and  started. 

Minty  met  me  to  the  depot,  and  the  fust  words 
she  said  was, 

"  Aunt  Ruth,  what  under  the  canopy  is  the 
matter  with  ye  ?  You  look  as  if  you'd  had  a  fit 
o'  sickness  !  Have  you  been  sick  ?" 

"No,  Minty,  I  hain't,"  says  I,  "  but  there's 
other  troubles  in  this  world  as  wearin'  as  sick- 
ness." 

"  For  pity's  sake,  what  do  you  mean  ?"  says  she  ; 
and  then  I  told  her. 

"  It's  that  coal-man  that's  wearin'  me  away  to  a 
shadder,  and  nothin'  else,"  says  I.  '  It's  quiet  up 
home,  you  know,  and  likely  enough  my  mind's 
dwelt  on  the  subjeck  more'n  what's  reasonable  or 
nateral ;  't  any  rate,  all  I've  done  lately  is  jest  to 
think,  think,  night  and  day,  about  how  I  cheated 
that  poor  feller  !  And  now  I've  come  to  Boston, 
and  I'm  goin'to  find  him,  and  have  a  settlement 
with  him  if  it  costs  fifty  dollars /"  says  I,  "and 
Minty,  you've  got  to  promise  to  help  me,  or 'less 
I'll  go  'n'  get  somebody  that  will !"  says  I,  and 
then  I  bust  out  cryin'.  Minty  laughed,  and  hug- 
ged me  agin.  "Cheer  up,"  she  says;  "we'll  have 
that  old-fashioned  conscience  o'  yourn  out  o' 
misery  in  no  time  !  The  coal-man  shall  be  found, 
if  we  have  to  turn  Boston  inside  out  and  hind 
side  afore  to  do  it,"  says  she. 

Minty 's  better  for  me  than  a  bottle  o'  medicine 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  43 

any  day,  and  she  chippered  me  right  up,  so't  I 
felt  more  like  myself  than  I  had  for  a  good  while. 

Wall,  the  next  day,  when  I'd  got  rested  a  little, 
Minty  and  I  talked  the  matter  over,  and  we 
concluded  that  the  fust  thing  for  us  to  do  was  to 
advertise.  So  she  writ  a  piece  and  sent  it  to  the 
newspapers. 

"  That'll  fetch  him,"  says  she,  "  if  he  can  read 
and  ever  looks  at  a  paper ;  but  in  the  mean  time 
we'll  keep  our  eyes  open.  He  may  turn  up 
when  we  ain't  expectin'." 

From  that  day  for'ard  it  seemed  as  if  I  didn't 
think  o'  nothin'  but  my  coal-man.  Jack  said 
how't  I'd  got  the  monomanier;  but  I  Knew  better, 
and  told  him  so.  Nothin'  in  this  wor:ld  ailded  me, 
and  I  should  be  all  right  soon's  this  business  was 
off  my  mind. 

The  fust  time  I  went  on  the  street,  I  come 
pretty  nigh  gittin'  killed  myself,  or  killin'  some- 
body else,  a  number  o'  times.  You  see  my  eyes 
was  everywheres  to  once,  but  mostly  in  the  road, 
lookin'  out  for  coal  carts ;  and  every  one  I  spied,  I 
generally  made  a  dive  back'ards  or  for'ards  to  git 
a  sight  o'  the  driver's  face,  ye  know.  And  it 
wa'n't  a  safe  way  to  dew  in  a  crowded  street,  by 
no  means. 

Once  I  run  into  a  man,  and  jabbed  a  stool  he 
was  carryin'  right  into  his  stummuck,  so'st  he 
bellered  out,  and  everybody  turned  round  and 
stared. 

"Old  lady,"  says  he,  "mind  where  you're  goin' 
tew,  can't  yer  ?  Ain't  there  room  forme  and  you 
too  on  this  'ere  sidewalk  ?"  Some  laughed,  and 
I  felt  cheap  enough. 


44  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Another  time  I  walked  straight  into  a  lady's 
face  and  eyes,  my  gaze  bein'  fixed  ahead  in  the 
road,  on  a  coal  cart  jest  heavin'  in  sight.  I 
bumped  square  into  her  face,  and  her  spe'tacles 
fell  off.  She  dropped  her  puss  and  let  go  of  the 
string  that  was  hitched  onto  her  poodle  dog,  and 
I  lost  my  bag ;  so  we  had  to  paw  round  quite  a 
spell  afore  we  got  right  side  up  agin. 

I  pollygized  as  well's  I  knew  how,  and  asked 
her  if  I  couldn't  do  somethin'  to  kinder  bring  her 
tew  and  make  her  feel  better. 

She  was  leanin'  up  aginst  a  store  winder,  and 
she  jest  put  up  her  hand  to  fix  her  spe'tacles  onto 
her  nose  more  firm,  then  she  looked  me  over 
carmly,  and  says  she,  "How  very  peculiar!" 

I  was  awful  mad  !  If  she'd  jawed  and  scolded 
I  wouldn't  'a'  cared ;  but  to  have  her  treat  me  as 
if  I  was  a  menagery  or  some  so^t  of  a  curiosity 
— I  couldn't  stan'  it ! 

"  Marm,"  says  I,  "p'r'aps  you'd  be  'peculiar' 
yourself  if  you  had  a  hull  city  full  o'  coal-men  to 
look  after !"  says  I. 

That  made  her  stare  all  the  more  insultin',  and 
I  went  off  and  left  her  standin'  there  as  if  she's 
parilized.  I  dunno  but  what  she  stands  there 
yit.  I  don't  care  a  snap  if  she  does  ! 

But  that  wa'n't  a  circumstance  to  what  I  come 
tew  another  time.  Minty  and  me  went  one  af- 
ternoon to  a  concert  in  the  Music  Hall.  We 
thought  it  would  rest  us  and  do  us  good  ;  and 
anybody'd  think  I  wouldn't  be  sech  a  fool  as  to 
look  for  a  coal-man  there ! 

I  set  through  the  fust  half  o'  the  concert ;  the 
music  wa'n't  very  interestin'  to  me — too 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  45 

toned   I  s'pose.     I   don't  like   this   kilUr-skilter 

music  ;  I  like  somethin'  with  a  tune  to  it,  if  it's 
nothin'  more'n  "  Yanky  Doodle."  Wall,  as  I  was 
a-sayin',  I  didn't  feel  interested  in  the  music,  and 
so  I  got  to  thinkin'  and  wonderin'  about  my  coal- 
man ;  when  all  to  once  a  man  right  in  front  on  us 
had  a  little  coughin'  spell,  and  turned  his  head 
round  so't  I  could  see  his  face.  I  grabbed  Min- 
ty's  arm. 

"  Minty,"  I  whispered,  "  there's  my  man — - 
there  !" 

She  looked  where  1  pinted,  and  says  she : 
*4  Aunt  Ruth,  you're  crazy !  That  man  is  a  gentle- 
man ;  he  looks  like  a  Beacon  Street  swell !  Do 
be  quiet !"  says  she. 

"  He's  the  feller  I  rid  on  the  obal  cart  with, 
anyway,"  says  I,  "or  'less  he's  a  twin  /  And  I'm 
goin'  to  speak  to  him  after  this  show  is  over, 
sure's  my  name  is  Ruth !" 

"How  foolish!"  says  Minty.  "Tain't  very 
likely  coal-men  make  a  business  o'  washin'  up 
and  puttin'  on  their  kid  gloves  and  goin'  to  con- 
certs right  in  the  middle  o'  the  day  !"  says  she. 

But  there  I  set  and  looked  at  him  ;  and  the  more 
I  looked  the  more  sartin  I  felt  that  he  was  the 
very  man.  Every  featur'  of  his  face  looked 
nateral.  "  Who  knows  but  what  he's  had  a  for- 
tune left  to  him  ?"  says  I  to  myself.  "  Stranger 
things  have  happened."  So  when  the  concert 
was  over,  I  jest  pushed  my  way  'longside  of  him, 
and  laid  my  hand  on  his  arm. 

"  Excuse  me,  sir,"  says  I.  all  of  a  tremble,  4<  but 
ain't  you  the  coal-man  that  carried  me  to  the 
depo'  one  day  'bout  Christmas  time  last  year  ?" 


4<5  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

The  man  drawed  back  a  little,  and  looked  at 
me  serious  and  inqui^in'.  I  was  awful  scairt,  but 
he  didn't  speak,  and  I's  bound  I'd  make  hirr  S"- 
I  follers  on,  and  says  I  : 

"  Mebby  you've  had  a  fortune  left  ye — it  looks 
like  it — and  if  so,  I'm  glad  on't ;  but  you  needn't 
be  ashamed  to  remember  doin'  a  kind  act,  and  I 
want  to  thank  you  and  relieve  my  mind,  all  the 
same,  if  you  don't  need  my  money  now,"  says  I. 

We  was  half  way  out  by  this  time,  and  he 
seemed  to  have  got  his  rnind  made  up  about  me  ; 
for  he  turns  to  me  and  says,  very  serious  and  re- 
speckful, 

"  Madam,  you  are  laborin'  under  a  misappre- 
hension. But  I  beg  you  to  take  this,  and  when 
you  find  the  honest  coal-man  that  does  me  the 
honor  to  resemble  me  so  close,  will  you  give  i\ 
to  him  from  me  ?" 

Them  was  his  very  words ;  and  dropping  a 
twenty-dollar  gold  piece  into  my  hand,  he  lifted 
his  hat  way  offn  his  head,  as  if  I'd  been  the 
queen,  and  walked  on. 

I  looked  at  the  money  and  wondered  whuther 
no  I'wa'n't  dreamin'.  Minty  she  ketched  hold  of 
me  and  hauled  me  away  and  downstairs,  quick's 
she  could.  "  Oh,  Aunt  Ruth !"  says  she,  half 
cryin',  "what  have  you  done  ?" 

''  I  dunno  what  I've  done,"  says  I.  "  But  if 
that  high  and  lordly  feller  ain't  a  twin  to  my  coal- 
man, I'll  eat  him." 

"  That  man,"  says  Minty,  "  is  the  richest  man 
in  New  England !  I  knew  him  the  minute  I  see 
his  face." 

"  Oh,  wall,  if  he's  so  terrible  rich,  I'm  glad  on't," 


ADVENTVRES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  47 

says  I,  "  bein's  he  won't  never  miss  the  money  he 
give  me,  and  it'll  be  quite  a  fortune  to  my  coal- 
man when  I  find  him."  I  walked  on,  tryin'  to 
feel  as  bold  as  a  lion,  but  I  didn't — I  felt  like 
death  ;  and  I  guess  Minty  knew  it,  for  she  never 
said  another  word  about  it. 

After  this  I  kep'  pretty  quiet  fora  while — only 
I  run  into  a  peanut-stand  one  day,  and  had  to  pay 
a  dollar  and  a  half  damages ;  and  once  I  chased  a 
coal-cart  till  I  was  clean  beat  out,  and  had  to  hire 
a  coach  to  carry  me  home. 

But  the  wust  on't  was,  I  was  gittin'  all  discour- 
aged, and  I  was  willin'  to  own  at  last  that  I  had 
got  the  monomamer,  or  a  touch  on't,  anyway ; 
and  finally  I  consented  to  let  'em  call  in  the 
doctor. 

He  said  how't  my  sistem  needed  toniii  up,  and 
left  me  some  medicine.  I  took  the  medicine 
faithful,  but  I  knew,  and  Minty  knew  too,  that  I 
shouldn't  ever  git  toned  up  right  till  I  found  that 
pesky  coal-man. 

Our  advertisin'  didn't  amount  to  shucks.  A 
few  smutty-faced,  lyin'  fellers  called  on  us,  ex- 
pectin'  to  make  somethin'  out  on't,  I  s'pose  ;  but 
\ve  wa'n't  so  easy  took  in,  and  they  went  away  as 
poor  as  they  come. 

One  day  Minty  showed  in  a  young  Irishman. 
He  come  bowin'  and  scrapin'  up  to  the  table 
where  I  set  sewin',  threw  down  his  old  hat,  and 
put  out  his  black  paw  with  a  flourish,  as  if  he  was: 
tickled  to  death  to  see  me. 

"  Be  me  sowl,"  says  he,  "  if  it  isn't  the  identikle 
old  lady  herself,  now  .  I  knew  ye  as  quick  as  I 
jet  me  two  eyes  on  ye  !" 


48  ADVENTURES  OF  Atf  OLD  MAID. 

"  Singular,"  says  I,  cool's  could  be — for  I'd  got 
used  to  'em,  you  know — "  singular,  but  I  never 
see  you  afore,"  says  I. 

"  Oh,  now,"  says  he,  coaxin'  like,  "ye  wouldn't 
be  afther  forgittin'  so  aisy.  Think,  now,  how 
would  it  be,  say,  barrin'  the  baird  and  the  short 
cut  o'  me  hair  for  the  hot  weather  ?"  says  he. 

"Bar  as  much  as  you're  min'  to,"  says  I,  "  but 
if  you'll  stop  your  blarney  and  tell  me  what  you 
want,  I'll  be  obleeged  to  ye." 

He  seemed  all  struck  of  a  heap  for  a  minute, 
and  then  says  he,  "An'  didn't  ye  advertise  for  the 
young  man  as  driv'  ye  ter  the  depo'  on  his  coal- 
cart  last  Christmas  ?" 

"  I  did,"  says  I. 

"And  isn't  it  mesilf  as  is  the  very  feller?"  says 
he,  slappin'  his  knee  and  lookin'  up  as  bold  as 
brass  agin. 

"  Now  I  think  on't,  I  dunno  but  you  be,"  says 
I — "yes,  I  guess  you're  the  feller;  and  I  s'pose 
you've  come  to  pay  over  that  five  dollars  I  lent 
you,"  says  I,  and  I  riz  up  and  held  o"ut  my  hand 
to  him. 

You  orter  seen  that  man  !  He  looked  all  ways 
to  once,  and  everywheres  but  at  me ;  then  he 
picks  up  his  old  hat  in  a  hurry,  and  says  he, 

"  It's  mistaken  I  am  now,  intirely !  It's  not 
mesilf  at  all— I  mane — it's  not — it's  not  your- 
silj  -" 

"  Oh  yes,  it  is,"  says  I,  cuttin'  him  short.  "  It's 
my  self,  but  it's  not  your  self!"  So  sayin',  I 
opened  the  door  and  he  blundered  out  and  off. 

This  was  only  one  of  quite  a  number  of  experi- 
ences we  went  through,  and  all  for  nothin'.  No 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  49 

great  wonder  I  had  the  monomanicr,  \vas  it  ?  It 
was  a  mercy  Minty  didn't  git  it  fastened  on  to 
her,  too.  She  did  come  dretful  nigh  it. 

But  there's  an  end  o'  some  kind  to  all  things; 
and  there  is  to  this  story,  as  you'll  see,  bimehy. 

One  mornin'  Minty  come  to  me  after  breakfast 
and  says,  "Aunt  Ruth,  Jack  is  goin'  to  be  away 
a  few  days,  and  while  he's  gone  you  and  mell 
give  a  party — a  coal-iuaii  s  parly.  \Ve'll  advertise 
in  every  way  we  can  for  two  days,  and  on  Thurs- 
day we'll  hold  the  recepshun  in  our  basement. 
\\V11  have  lemonaid,  and  donuts,  and  sandwidges 
enough  for  all  the  coal-men  in  town.  What  do 
you  think  on't  ?"  says  she. 

I  was  so  struck  with  the  idee  that  I  didn't 
breathe  for  much  as  a  minute  ! 

"  Minty  !  you're  a  genyus  !"  says  I.  "  It's  jest 
the  thing !" 

So  we  set  right  about  it.  It  was  awful  hot 
weather,  and  it  stood  to  reason  that  no  hard- 
workin'  coal-man  would  miss  a  chance  o'  gittin'  a 
good  lunch  and  a  cool  drink  o'  lemonaid,  free 
gratis  for  nothin'.  "That  must  fetch  him/' 
thinks  I,  and  I  felt  encouraged.  The  advertise- 
ment run  this  way  : 

"  FREE    LUNCH   TO  COAL-MEN  !    AT    NO.   35    CLAY 

STREET  (BASEMENT),  FROM   u   A.M.   TO 
i  O'CLOCK.     COME  ONE,  COME  ALL  !" 

I  asked  Minty  what  she  s' posed  the  neighbors 
would  think,  when  they  see  the  doin's.  She  said 
she  didn't  care  what  they  thought ;  but  they'd 
probaly  think  we's  exsentrick.  and  took  that  way 


50  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

o'  doin'  good.  It  was  fashnerable  to  be  exsei> 
trick. 

When  the  time  come,  it  was  well  vvuth  all  our 
trouble  jest  to  see  'em  ;  and  if  it  hadn't  V  been 
for  my  monomanier  we  sh'd  had  lots  o'  fun  out 
on't. 

There  was  a  line  o'  coal-carts  standin'  up  and 
down  our  street  as  fur  as  you  could  see  both 
ways,  and  them  fellers  kep'  a-pilin'  in  to  that 
basement,  as  business-like  as  you  please,  as  if,  for 
all  the  world,  it  was  an  every-day  thing  to  'em  ; 
and  they  scrambled  for  the  vittles  and  drunk  hull 
tubs  full  o'  lemonaid  as  if  it  did  'em  good.  I 
guess  it  did.  We  didn't  worry  none  about  that, 
anyway. 

Wall,  the  time  passed,  and  it  was  goin'  on 
two  o'clock,  and  amongst  all  them  smutty-faced 
fellers  I  hadn't  see  one  that  looked  like  my  coal- 
man. I  had  on  my  best  caliker  dress  and  I'd 
sp'ilt  it  long  ago, — they  slopt  the  lemonaid  round 
so, — and  Minty,  she'd  sp'ilt  hern  too;  but  we 
didn't  care  for  the  dresses,  we  was  so  disap- 
pinted.  I  was  'most  a-cryin',  but  I  kep'  round 
among  'em,  waitin'  on  'em  kinder  mecanikle, 
when  all  to  once  an  uproar  riz — loud  laughin' 
and  talkin',  and  jokin'  back  and  forth,  about 
somethin'  or  'nother,  we  couldn't  make  out  what. 
But  finally  we  diskivered  the  cause  on't. 

They  was  all  settin'  on  to  one  little  feller,  and 
when  we  inquired  into  it  tney  laughed  and 
shouted,  and  said  how't  he'd  been  stuffin'  his 
pockits,  and  they  insisted  on't  that  he  should 
"shell  out,"  as  they  called  it,  'fore  they'd  let  him 
go. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD   MAID.  51 

Minty  spoke  to  'em  in  her  pretty  way,  and 
begged  'em  to  remember  there  was  ladies  present, 
and  behave  like  gentlemen.  They  simmered 
down  to  once,  then,  and  Minty  went  to  the  little 
feller  and  spoke  real  kind.  "  Can't  you  eat 
enough  ?"  says  she.  "What  makes  you  fill  your 
pock  its  ?  The  rest  don't  do  so." 

He  looked  sheepish  for  a  minute,  and  then  he 
spunked  up,  and  says  he,  "  Yes,  marm,  I've  had 
enough  myself,  and  thank  ye  kindly  for't ;  but  I 
thought  as  how  'twouldn't  be  no  harm  to  carry 
some  ter  Jim — Jim  Rasher — he's  sick,  ye  know  ; 
and  he  hain't  got  nobody  but  me  to  look  out  for 
him,  he  hain't." 

Of  course  we  was  interested  to  once,  and  asked 
a  good  many  questions ;  and  Minty  told  the  boy 
to  wait  till  the  others  was  gone,  and  then  she  put 
up  a  baskit  o'  things  for  him  to  take  along  to  his 
friend. 

While  she  was  talkin'  I  was  a-thinkin'.  I  says 
to  myself,  "  You'd  better  go  'n'  see  this  sick  man  ; 
mebby  it  '11  ease  your  mind  to  dew  for  some  coal- 
man if  you  can't  for  the  right  one."  So  I  run  up- 
stairs, put  on  my  bun  nit,  clapped  my  puss  into 
my  pockit,  and  was  ready  and  waitin'  when  he 
come  out  with  his  baskit.  We  went  along  to- 
gether, and — wall,  I  may  as  well  tell  ye  now — 1 
foitnd  my  coal-man  / 

He  was  sick,  sure  enough.  And  he  lay  in  a 
miserble  room,  on  a  miserble  bed,  and  the  flies 
was  eatin'  on  him  up,  and  there  wa'n't  no  air  in  the 
room  fit  to  breathe,  and  he  was  tossin'  and  moan- 
in',  burnt  up  with  fever. 

Somethin'  told  me  T    had  found  him  afore  I 


$2  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

fairly  see  bis  face  ;  and  when  I  went  up  to  him 
and  laid  my  cool  hand  onto  his  head,  he  knew  me 
too.  He  looked  at  me  for  a  minute  in  that 
stoopid,  stunned  way  o'  hisn — I  remembered  it 
perfeckly — but  he  knew  me,  and  his  great,  honest 
eyes  kinder  smiled,  though  his  mouth  was  so  sol- 
lum,  and  he  says, 

"  Old  lady,  is  it  you  ?"  I  couldn't  speak  to 
once,  if  I  died,  but  1  opened  the  baskit,  and  got 
him  out  some  grapes,  and  sent  the  boy  for  some 
cool  water,  so  I  could  bathe  his  head.  Bimeby  I 
told  him  how  I  felt  when  I  found  I'd  forgot  his 
address,  and  how  I'd  worried  ever  sence  ;  how  I'd 
hunted  for  him,  and  about  the  free  lunch  and 
everything.  "  And,  now,"  says  I,  "  I  want  you  to 
cheer  right  up,  for  I'm  goin'  to  send  you  a  doc- 
tor, and  we'll  have  you  well  in  no  time.  Is  the 
old  white  horse  alive  and  well  ?"  says  I. 

Upon  this  he  smiled  bright's  a  button. 

"  Yes,  marm,"  says  he,  "  the  old  mare's  all 
right,  thank  ye." 

"  Wall,"  says  I,  pretty  soon,  "I  must  leave  ye 
now.  Ain't  there  some  woman  we  can  git  to 
come  and  stay  with  you  a  spell,  and  nuss  you 
up?" 

He  picked  at  the  bedclo'es  and  looked  foolish  ; 
but  finally  I  managed  to  make  out  that  there  was 
a  girl  he  was  a-goin'  to  marry,  that  would  be  glad 
to  come,  but  she  didn't  even  know  he  was  sick 
yet. 

So  the  little  feller — his  friend — and  me,  we 
went  away  together  and  hunted  up  the  girl  and 
her  mother.  The  girl's  name  was  Berlindy,  and 
she  seemed  dretful  fond  of  him.  Wall,  I  left  'cm 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  5.3 

some  money,  and  went  home  to  Minty.  She 
was  wonderful  excited  over  it. 

"Our  l  free  lunch '  was  a  success,  after  all !" 
says  she,  and  we  went  to  bed  that  night,  two 
happy  wimmin,  if  we  was  all  tuckered  out. 

The  rest  is  soon  told.  We  kep'  an  eye  on  Jiir. 
,Rasher,  and  after  a  while  Jack  give  him  a  place 
'in  his  own  office,  and  Minty  took  Berlindy  intc 
the  house  as  a  servant. 

When  they  was  married,  we  herded  fit  'cm  out 
and  among  other  things  I  give  Jim  the  twenty- 
dollar  gold  piece,  ap.d  the  man's  message  alonp" 
with  it. 

He  looked  more  stoopid  and  stunned  than  I'd 
ever  seen  him  afore ;  f^ut  Berlindy  she  wa'n't 
flustered  a  mite.  She  swallered  it  all,  and  more 
tew.  She  tossed  up  her  head,  and  says  she,  "  I 
should  like  ter  see  the  man  that  can  hold  a  candle 
to  my  Je  ernes  for  good  looks,  if  he  is  a  n»illing« 
nair  1" 


54  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


WRITING  FOR  THE  NEWSPAPERS. 

I've  had  curi's  experiences  sence  I  begun  to 
«vrite  for  the  papers. 

The  nabors  got  hold  pn't,  somehow,  that  I  was 
a  writin',  and  it  was  queer  enough  to  see  how  the 
different  ones  took  it. 

Old  gran'marm  McGilvry,  she  was  the  fust  to 
come  to  interview  me.  She's  a  reg'lar  old  gos- 
sip, but  she  alwers  'peared  to  think  well  o'  me. 
She  begun  before  she  fairly  got  her  bunnit  off. 

"  Ruth  Ann,"  says  she,  "  I'm  glad  to  hear  that 
you're  a  doin'  somethin'  oncommon  ;  and  I  say  if 
you  behave  yourself,  'tain't  anybody's  business  if 
you  dew  write  for  the  papers,  and  /  say  if  folks 
are  a  min'  ter  talk,  why  let  'em  talk!" 

My  nighest  nabor,  Mis'  Carter — she's  a  little 
narvous,  sensitive  thing — she  come  over  in  a 
peck  o'  trouble,  and  says  she, 

"  Ruth  Ann,  there's  one  thing  I  hope  and  pray 
you  won't  never  do,  and  that  is,  to  put  your  na< 
bors  into  your  pieces ;  if  you  do,  it'll  make  no 
end  o'  trouble.  Now  I've  alwers  told  you  every- 
thing about  me  and  my  husband,  and  about  Mary 
and  her  beau — you  know  how  I*ve  confided  in 
you,  Ruth  Ann — and  if  you  go  to  puttin'  on't  in 
print,  I  declare  I  don't  know  what  I  shall  do !" 

She  was  almost  cryin'  and  I  felt  bad  for  her. 

"  La,  Mis'  Carter,"  says  I,  "  don't  you  be  one 
mite  afeared.  I  hain't  no  notion  o'  doin'  any  sech 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  55 

thing.  I  reckon  1  can  find  enough  to  write  about 
without  betrayin'  my  nabor's  sekrits  ;  when  I  can't 
I'll  give  it  up,"  says  I. 

She  wiped  her  eyes  then  and  felt  better.  "  I 
might  a  known/'  she  said  laughin',  "  but  that's  the 
way  some  o'  them  writers  do." 

"  It's  awful  small  business,"  says  I. 

"That's  so,"  says  she. 

Next,  Amandy  Plimpton  come  drivin'  over  pell- 
mell.  She  had  a  great  big  sheet  o'  paper  kivered 
over  with  verses,  and  a  bran'-new  lead  pencil 
stuck  over  her  ear,  as  if  she  meant  business. 

She'd  been  writin'  poitry,  and  she  wanted  me 
to  read  it,  and  correct  it,  and  send  it  'long  with 
my  next  piece  to  the  newspaper  man.  She  said 
she'd  leave  the  matter  o'  compensation  entirely  to 
the  editor. 

She  was  all  up  and  a  comin',  as  you  might  say, 
and  I  had  to  set  right  down  and  read  it  ;  I  went 
through  it  two  or  three  times  careful  and  candid, 
but  I  couldn't  make  no  head  nor  tail  to  it,  and 
finally  give  it  up. 

"Amandy,"  says  I,  "  I  guess  it's  good  poitry, 
but  I'm  afraid  it  ain't  'available'  Mind  ye, 
Amandy,  that  ain't  sayin'  a  word  aginst  it,  only  it 
ain't  just  what  they  want." 

"How  do  you  kow  'tain't?"  says  she.  "See 
here,  you  needn't  be  afraid  I'll  put  your  nose  out 
o'  jint ;  you  don't  write  poitry — don't  pertend  to 
—do  ye  ?" 

"  Oh,  no  ;  I  don't,  that's  a  fact,"  says  I  laughin', 
:'  and,  what's  more,  I  ain't  no  judge  o'  poitry.  I 
have  to  scratch  my  head  a  good  while  sometimes 
Tore  I  can  make  out  what  the  best  on't  means ; 


$6  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

but  as  long  as  you  would  have  my  'pinion  I  had 
to  say  somethin'." 

"  Of  course  you  ain't  to  blame  for  not  hem' 
able  to  'predate  poitry,"  says  Amandy,  real  con- 
siderate, "  and  I  guess  I'll  consult  some  fust  class 
poet,  and  then  I  shall  know." 

'Cordinly  she  sent  it  to  Mr.  Whittler,  and  in 
the  course  of  a  week  it  come  back,  and  a  real 
nice  note  'long  with  it,  sayin'  that  he  couldn't 
thank  her  enough  for  the  pleasure  o'  readin'  on't. 
but  suggestin'  that  editors  was  the  best  judges  o' 
poitry.  So  she  posted  it  right  off  to  the  Bang- 
town  Magazine,  and  waited  on  tiptoe  for  the 
answer. 

If  you'll  believe  it,  them  verses  was  sent  back 
to  her  with  the  solitary,  single  word  "  trash"  writ 
on  top  of  'em,  and  that  was  all.  Oh,  how  mad 
she  was  !  She  says  to  me,  says  she,  "  Trash  "  be 
they  !  Them  verses  that  thrilled  me  through  and 
through  to  write,  and  make  creepers  up  and  down 
my  spine  to  read !  Oh,  the  wretches  ! 

Listen  to  these  "  Lines  to  James  Henry."  She 
read  the  fust  verse  : 

"  When  I  am  dead  and  in  my  grave, 

Oh  weep  not  for  Amandy  ; 
Some  other  girl  you'll  probaly  find, 
There's  plenty  standin'  handy." 

"  Now,  Ruth  Ann,  even  you  can  see  that  that 
is  touchin' — thrillin'." 

"Yes,". says  I,  "  ondoubtedly ;  but  them  edi- 
tors is  a  tough  lot,  with  backbones  of  iron  and 
narves  of  steel.  They  don't  thrill  wuth  a  cent. 
But  come,  never  mind,  Mandy,  let's  work  on  our 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  57 

crazy  quilts,"  says  I,  tryin'  to  divert  her  mind,  as 
it  were.  But  she  didn't  seem  to  hear  me,  and 
read  right  on.  "  Ruth  Ann,"  says  she  to  me 
when  she  got  through,  "  if  that  'ere  ain't  real 
poitry  I'll  eat  it!  Look  at  the  sentimunt !" 

"Why,  yes,"  says  I  again,  "and  I'm  sure  it 
must  be  real  comfortin'  to  James  Henry.  It  re- 
minds me  somehow  of  the  little  verse  we  used  to 
write  in  our  books,  to  school ;  don't  you  remem- 
ber ? 

"  '  When  I  am  dead  and  in  my  grave, 

And  all  my  bones  are  rotten, 
This  little  book  shall  tell  my  name 
When  I  am  quite  forgotten.' 

*  i  should  say  your'n  was  fully  equal  to  that, 
and  you  know  what  a  run  that  had." 

"Eqiial  to  that  r  snapped  Amandy  all  out  o" 
patience  ;  "what's  the  use  o'  talkin'  to  you — you 
don't  know  abserlutely  nothiri  about  poitry,  and 
that  ends  it !" 

"  I'm  afraid  you're  correck,"  says  I,  real  'umble. 
"  I  never  wrote  but  one  verse  in  my  life,  and  that 
was  to  the  man  that  was  gittin'  up  a  book  o'  Ne"r 
Hampshire  poets.  He  kept  sendin'  and  askin 
me  to  contribute  somethin'.  I  told  him  I 
couldn't ;  I  didn't  write  verses ;  but  he  hung  on 
till  I  finally  got  mad  and  sent  him  this : 

"'I  ain't  no  poit, 

And  now  you  know  it.' 

That  seemed  to  satisfy  him." 

Cousin  Safrony,  she  told  me  that  they  talked 
my  pieces  all  over  to  the  mother's  meetin',  and 


$8  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID, 

then  agin  to  the  sewin'  circle,  and  some  said  one 
thing  and  some  another. 

The  Square's  wife  used  to  be  a  school-teacher, 
and  she  said  how  it  wasn't  nothin'  to  write  for  the 
papers ;  she'd  got  stacks  o'  manuscrip'  put  away 
up  garret  that  she  made  up  herself.  She  never 
had  none  on't  published — felt  delekit  about  it — 
thought  it  required  a  good  deal  o'  cheek  for  a 
woman  to  'pear  before  the  public  in  print.  But 
the  Square  often  remarked  that  "that  manuscrip' 
would  be  a  mint  o'  money  to  somebody  sometime." 

"  But  I'll  bet  a  cookey,"  says  Safrony  to  me, 
"that  it  wouldn't  fetch  more'n  the  wuth  of  its 
weight  for  paper  rags!"  "And  now,"  she  con- 
tinued, "  I'm  goin'  to  tell  you  somethin'  in  con- 
fidence that  I  never  told  no  livin'  mortal  before  ! 
I've  been  thinkin'  lately  whuther  or  no  /  hadn't, 
orter  go  into  this  writin'  business  myself ! 

"  Why,  ever  sence  I  can  remember  I've  laid 
awake  hours  and  hours,  makin'  up  stories  and 
sermons,  and  all  sorts  of  things — in  the  dead  d 
the  night  /  Ain't  that  the  way  you  dew  ?" 

"Ketch  me  layin' -awake  nights!"  says  I, 
laughin'.  "  No  ;  I  make  a  regular  business  o' 
sleepin',  and  tend  right  to  it  every  night." 

Safrony  looked  astonished.  "  Is  that  so  ?"  she 
says  ;  "you're  the  fust  writer  I  ever  heard  on  that 
did  !  But  there's  one  thing  I  s'pose  you  all  have 
to  dew ;  that  is,  live  on  fish  mostly — to  feed  your 
brains  ?" 

"No,  /don't,"  says  I,  "and,  what's  more,  I 
wouldn't  if  my  brains  starved  to  death.  I  can't 
bear  fish,  and  never  eat  it  when  I  can  git  any- 
thing else." 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  59 

"  Wall,  I  must  say,"  says  Safrony  turnin'  up 
her  nose,  "  that  you  ain't  much  of  a  writer  if  you 
don't  do  no  different  from  other  folks." 

"  Oh  wall,"  says  I,  laughin',  "  I  ain't  much  of 
a  writer  ;  nothin'  'larmin'." 

Mis'  Gardner  was  the  only  one  that  seemed  to 
feel  real  malice  toward^ me.  What  does  she  do, 
but  carry  one  o'  my  pieces  to  the  litterary  circle, 
and  read  it  loud,  and  then  pass  it  round  'mong 
the  company  so's  they  could  see  how  many  mis- 
takes in  spellin'  there  was  in  it.  She'd  marked 
'em  all  off,  and  it  was  pretty  much  all  marks,  ,! 
tell  ye. 

Safrony  was  bound  she'd  stick  up  for  me,  so 
when  they  handed  it  to  her  she  says, 

"  Good  land,  I  don't  s'pose  them  newspaper 
men  care  how  its  spelt  if  it  only  makes  sense." 

"  I  should  think  they'd  correctify  it  before  they 
printed  it,"  says  the  deacon's  wife. 

"  Like  enough  they  don't  know  how  to  spell 
over  and  above  well  themselves,"  says  Mis'  Gard- 
ner, pinchin'  in  her  lips.  "  I  guess  they  never 
won  no  dictionaries  to  spellin'  matches." 

While  they  was  laughin'  the  Square's  wife 
come  in,  and  they  showed  her  the  piece. 

"  Good  gracious,  how  stoopid  you  all  be  !"  she 
said  when  she'd  read  it.  "  Ruth  Ann  spells  that 
way  a  purpose,  and  if  she  don't  spell  bad  enough 
I'll  warrant  the  editors  puts  on  the  finishin' 
touches  themselves  !  Poor  spellin'  is  all  the  fash- 
ion now,"  says  she. 

They  felt  pretty  well  took  down  then,  and 
didn't  say  another  word  ;  for  the  Square's  wife  is 
law  and  gospil  among  'em  you  know 


60  ADVENTURED    ^S  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Safrony  asked  me  if  I  didn't  never  write 
nothin'  and  spell  it  all  correck. 

"  Sometimes,"  I  told  her,  "  but  it's  pretty  diffi- 
kilt,  and  I  have  to  keep  a  dictionary  open  before 
me  every  minit.  I've  spelt  rong  so  long  that  it 
don't  come  handy  to  spell  rite"  says  I. 

"Then  while  you're  about  it  why  don't  you 
spell  W2tss?  There's  Joshua  Billin's  and  Mister 
Nasby  now — you  don't  begin  to  spell  as  bad  as 
they  dew." 

"  Oh  no,"  says  I,  "  but  their  spellin'  makes 
anybody  feel  crampy  all  over ;  it  ain't  comfort- 
able. I  don't  want  to  do  nothin'  to  hurt.  I  jest 
lay  out  to  amuse  folks  in  a  comfortable  kind  of  a 
way.  And  besides,"  says  I,  "  I  don't  depend  alto- 
gether on  my  spellin',  I  generally  put  in  a  few 
zdees" 

•'  Oh,  I  didn't  think  o'  that,"  says  Safrony,  "  I 
guess  that's  what  makes  your  pieces  take  so  well." 

I  thought  it  was  real  nice  in  Safrony  to  stick 
up  for  me  after  I'd  made  light  o'  her  layin'  awake 
nights  and  so  on,  but  Safrony  and  me  was  always 
good  friends. 

Aunt  Polly  Davis  seemed  to  take  a  great  deal 
of  pride  in  me  at  fust.  "Jest  to  think,"  says  she, 
"that  we  should  go  and  have  an  author  in  the 
family  after  all !  We've  had  a'  most  everything 
else,  and  now  we've  got  a  bonny  fidy  author  ! 
I'm  real  thankful,"  says  she,  "  and  I  dew  hope 
you'll  make  a  good  use  o'  your  money  !  Perhaps 
by'n  by  you'll  git  round  to  help  me  and  your  un- 
cle lift  that  pesky  mor'gage.  You  won't  hardly 
know  what  ter  do  with  so  much  money,  will 
ye?" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  6 1 

"  I  guess  it'll  be  a  spell  before  I'll  have  enough 

to  burden  me,"  says  I,  laughin'. 

"  Why,  less  see,"  says  she,  "how  much  do  you 

git  for  a  piece  ?" 

"Oh,"  says  I,  "from  10  to  25  dollars." 

"  And  how  long  does  it  take  ye  to  write  one  ?" 

"  Oh,  when   I   git   fairly  at  it,  say  a  week  for 

the    longest    ones,    with    what    other    work    I 

do.     You  know  I  help  a  good  deal  round  the 

house." 

Aunt  Polly  took  a  piece  o'  paper  and  borrered 

my  pencil  and  set  right  down  to  it.     She  figgered 

it  out  somethin'  like  this, 

52  weeks  (year). 
25  dollars  (apiece). 

260 
104 

1300  per  year. 

"  My  senses !  Ruth  Ann,"  says  she,  "  it  can't 
be !  I  have  made  some  mistake  !  You  look  it 
over  and  see  if  I've  multiplied  and  kerried  right. 
I  ain't  much  of  a.  hand  at  figgers." 

I  looked  it  over.  "  Your  conclusion  would  be 
correck  enough  if  your  premises  wan't  wrong, 
as  we  used  to  say  at  school,"  says  I. 

"  Do  you  mean  that  you  don't  actillv  earn  that 
much  money  a  year  ?" 

"  I  mean  that  I  aint  ^machine"  says  I.  "  You 
hain't  took  nothin'  into  consideration."  Then  I 
tried  to  explain  how  sometimes  I  couldn't  write 
at  all — the  idees  wouldn't  flow,  as  it  were — and 


62  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

then  agin,  how  some  pieces  wa'n't  available,  ar  3 
so  on. 

She  looked  blank  enough.  "Oh, "says  she, 
kinder  contemptewous,  "  it  seems  ter  be  a  dret- 
ful  onsartin'  business,  and  don't  amount  to  much 
after  all !" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAW.  63 


.      SHE  GOES  TO  "  THE  GERMAN." 

Did  I  ever  tell  you  'bout  my  goin'  to  the 
German  that  winter  I  was  to  Sophiar's  ? 

Wall,  you  see  Snobtown  ain't  a  big  city.  1 
tell  'em  it  ain't  neither  one  thing  nor  t'other. 
It  seems  pretty  much  like  our  village  to  home, 
but  I  s'pose  there  is,  in  pint  o'  fact,  a  good 
many  more  houses  and  folks,  or  it  wouldn't  be 
called  a  city.  At  any  rate,  it's  enough  like  a 
city  ter  make  'em  want  to  dew  everything  any- 
body does,  and  so,  'cordin'ly,  they  have  "  Ger« 
mans." 

They  'low  that  nobody  goes  to  these  parties 
but  jest  the  very  "  aleet"  (that's  French,  and 
means  big-bugs). 

James  and  Sophiar  don't  seem  to  feel  very  big, 
and  I  don't  know  exactly  what  constitoots  an 
"  aleet ;"  but  one  thing  is  sartin,  if  they  hadn't 
been  one  they  couldn't  'a'  gone  to  that  ere  "  Ger- 
man" and  took  me,  so  I'm  naterally  glad  thej 
was  considered  up  to  the  scratch.  - 

Wall,  when  we  got  there,  we  found  all  the 
ladies  in  the  dressin'  room  puttin'  on  their  white 
kid  gloves.  Some  on  'em  went  'way  up  to  theii 
elbows. 

But  there  was  one  o'  the  most  airy-lookin' 
ladies,  pertendin'  to  be  in  a  great  stew,  because 
she'd  left  her  gloves  to  home  ;  and  she  was  goin' 
round  tryin'  to  make  some  o'  the  other  ladies 
leave  off  them  to  keep  her  in  countenants. 


64  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

She  came  to  Sophiar,  but  Sophlar,  says  she, 

"  /  wear  gloves  to  cover  my  hands — you  know 
1  do  my  own  work,  Mis'  Dainty ;  your  hands 
look  well  enough  without,  I'm  sure." 

This  seemed  to  please  the  lady,  and  she  had  the 
harnsomest  hand  and  arm  I  ever  seen  on  a  mortal 
woman.  I  kinder  suspicioned  she  planned  it  all 
to  show  'em,  too  James  said  afterwards  how  she 
might  'a'  spared  enough  off'n  the  tail  of  her  gown 
to  cover  her  hands  and  arms,  and  neck,  tew,  just 
as  well  as  not ! 

Speakin'  o'  trains,  hardly  any  o'the  ladies  wore 
'em,  and  them  that  didn't,  seemed  to  have  a  par- 
ticklar  spite  agin  'em.  It  wa'n't  the  gentlemen 
that  complained  on  'em,  and  stepped  on  'em  most, 
I  noticed  that  pint 

Sophiar  introduced  me  to  a  slim,  genteel-look- 
in'  young  man,  with  a  red  ribbin  round  his  neck 
and  a  silver  whistle  hung  on  to  it.  He  was  their 
leader,  she  said,  and  pretty  soon  he  blew  his  whis- 
tle and  the  musicianers  struck  up  a  lively  waltz, 
and  all  the  gentlemen  rushed  to  the  door  o'  the 
dressin'  room,  took  their  ladies  on  their  arms  and 
went  into  the  ball. 

I  was  thankful  for  James's  arm  to  lean  on  to, 
for  the  floor  was  so  slippery  that  I  knew  I 
couldn't  'a'  walked  acrost  it  alone  to  save  my  life, 
to  say  nothin'  o'  dancing  on  sech  a  floor ;  I  don't 
see  how  they  ever  dew  it ! 

We  found  chairs  -all  set  redy  for  us.  They  was 
mostly  tied  together  tew  by  tew  with  long  sashes 
o'  ribbin  of  different  colors.  We  all  set  down 
and  spread  out  our  dresses  and  looked  at  one 
'nother  a  spell ;  then  the  whistle  sounded  and 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAIP  65 

each  gentleman  took  hispardner  in  his  arms  and 
begun  ter  spring  round  in  a  lively  waltz. 

Some  o'  the  dancers  looked  very  well,  and 
some  didn't.  There  was  one  little  feller  had  the 
cunninest  mite  of  a  girl  for  a  pardner.  I  heard 
him  call  her  "  Mamy."  They  looked  well  together, 
and  danced  like  two  feathers.  One  man  \vas 
dretful  tall,  and  stiff  as  a  ramrod  He  used  his 
legs  as  if  they  didn't  belong  tc  mm,  and  his 
pardner  (she  was  his  wife),  she  looked  as  if  she 
didn't  belong  to  him,  nuther.  So  they  danced 
pretty  much  on  their  own  hook,  poppin'  this  way 
and  that,  any  way  to  get  round.  I  pitied  'em,  for 
it  must  'a'  been  hard  work  ;  but  they  seemed  ter 
be  tryin'  to  do  their  dooty,  anyway.  There  was 
another  feller,  a  medical  student,  Sophiar  said  he 
was,  that  I  couldn't  help  wTatchin',  he  went  into  't 
so  business-like.  He  didn't  turn  out  for  nobody 
nor  nothin',  but  dashed  right  ahead,  with  his 
mouth  open,  and  his  tongue  a-workin'  for  all  the 
world  like  a  boy  when  he's  learnin'  to  write. 

He  got  some  pretty  hard  knocks,  and  I  pitied 
his  pardner,  but  she  didn't  seem  to  mind.  I  s'pose 
she'd  got  used  to  it. 

It  was  queer  the  different  .vays  they  had  of 
holdin'  on  to  one  'nother.  Some  stood  way  off, 
like  the  picter  of  the  Puritan  lovers  kissin'.  Some 
hugged  up  most  'tew  tight,  I  thought,  and  some 
took  hold  o'  hands  and  held  'em  out  one  s;de, 
arm's  length,  and  took  up  more  room  than  be- 
longed to  'em.  Some  pumped  up  and  dowu  with 
their  elbows,  and  rocked  fust  one  side  and  then 
t'other ;  they  called  that  the  "  Boston  dip'' 

They  didn't  dance  long  to  begin  with,  and  I 


66  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

didn't  have  time  for  observin'  half  what  I  told 
you.  When  the  whistle  blew,  the  music  stopped, 
and  the  leader  said  they  would  now  have  a  rigger 
called  "  Sir  Rogerly  Coverlid,"  or  somethin'  like 
that. 

Wall,  you've  seen  the  girls  to  the  'Cademy  go 
through  with  their  jimnastic  riggers  ?  It  seemed 
to  me  pretty  much  like  them,  only  with  a  good 
deal  o'  waltzin'  mixed  up'in  it.  Then  they  had 
other  riggers — plays,  I  should  call  'em — and 
'mazin'  silly  ones,  too,  for  growed  up  men  and 
wimmin  to  partake  together  in.  One  was  "  Puss 
in  the  corner,"  where  they  put  a  lady  inter  each 
corner  of  the  room,  and  then  let  five  gentlemen 
make  a  dive  for  'em.  Of  course  the  spry  ones 
walked  off  with  a  pardner,  and  left  the  fifth  feller 
alone  lookin'  silly  enough,  and  everybody  smiled. 
I  didn't,  though,  I  thought  it  was  real  embarassin' 
for  the  poor  young  man. 

I  mustn't  forget  to  tell  ye  that  there  was  a 
table  in  one  corner  where  they  kept  the  "favors." 
"  Favors"  are  little  fancy  things ;  silk  wheel, 
barrers,  rosettes,  and  parasols,  and  anything  cute 
and  pretty  to  look  at,  and  of  no  other  mortal  use. 
Though  Sophiar  said  that  sometimes  they  give 
real  useful  presents.  But  that  night  they  seemed 
ter  be  mostly  for  ornament,  and  they  pinned  'em 
on  to  one  'nother,  till  the  men,  'specially,  looked 
as  if  butterflies  had  lit  all  over  their  black  coats. 

And  so  they  went  on  waltzin'  and  waltzin',  and 
the  genteel  leader  begun  to  look  as  if  he  was 
detfnn'  somebody  a  favor  irr  holdin'  himself  to- 
gether, and  the  musicianers  seemed  to  grow  tired 
and  sleepy.  One  o'  them  musicianers — the  feller 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  6? 

that  blowed  the  horn — had  a  very  sick  baby  to 
home,  so  Sophiar  told  me.  Poor  man,  while  all 
this  gaiety  was  goin'  on,  his  baby  might  be  dyin'. 
Once  when  they  was  playin'  one  of  them  sobbin* 
kind  o'  waltzes  that  sounds  more  like  death  and 
misery  than  a  dancin'  tune,  I  see  him  put  up  his 
hand  and  wipe  away  a  tear.  I  wanted  ter  go  and 
ask  about  the  baby,  and  tell  him  I  felt  for  him, 
but  Sophiar  said  it  wouldn't  dew. 

About  1 1  o'clock  they  had  refreshments,  and 
they  come  in  jest  the  nick  o'  time,  tew.  I  don't 
believe  we  could  'a'  held  out  much  longer  without 
somethin'  ter  kinder  brace  us  up.  Not  that  any- 
body appeared  anxious  to  git  anything  to  eat ;  oh, 
la,  no  indeed,  fur  from  it ! 

The  ladies  took  the  plates  o'  chicken  salud  and 
skalloped  oysters  with  the  tips  o'  their  fingers, 
and  pecked  away  at  'em  with  their  forks  as  if  it 
was  really  a  cross  to  have  to  eat.  But  I  noticed 
that  whole  plates-full  disappeared  somehow  or 
nother — in  quick  time  tew,  and  the  gentlemen 
had  to  step  round  lively  to  keep  their  pardners' 
wants  supplied,  and  get  a  chance  to  eat  anything 
themselves. 

There's  one  thing  wimmin  can  beat  the  men 
at,  and  that  is  eatiri .  And  they  have  sech  a  way 
that  they  can  make  pigs  o'  themselves  and  nobody 
know  it  ! 

Wall,  after  supper  we  all  felt  better,  and  there 
seemed  to  be  ruther  more  sociability  and  talkin', 
not  any  to  hurt  though.  Sophiar  says  it  ain't 
considered  the  thing  among  the  "a/ect"  to  speak 
up  loud  or  laugh  hearty,  and  they  did  all  seem 
subdood  and  sollum — enough  for  a  funeral,  that's  3 
fact. 


68  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

But  I  heard  'em  sayin'  to  one  'nother  how'it 
they  were  havin'  a  "  charmin'  time,"  "  delightful 
evenin',"  and  so  on,  and  I  concluded  they  felt 
•riore  cheerful  than  what  they  looked. 

•  To  wind  up  with,  they  had  a  militerry  figger 
and  grand  march.  Afore  they  got  done  marchin' 
they  all  pulled  little  gilt  paper  things  that  had 
torpedoes  inside  on  'em  and  went  off  with  a  crack, 
and  out  came  for  each  one  a  cap  or  head-riggin'  of 
some  kind  made  o'  tissue-paper. 

They  was  all  colors  and  shapes ;  some  on  'em 
was  harnsome  and  some  on  'em  was  hidgeous,  but 
howsomever,  they  straightened  'em  out  as  well  as 
they  could  and  put  'em  'on  their  heads.  I  did 
think  I  should  die  to  see  'em  !  Such  a  ridicker- 
Jous  sight  as  they  was !  One  big  man  with  a 
beard  all  over  his  face,  had  on  a  little  white,  baby 
night-cap,  tied  under  his  chin  !  And  another 
little  mite  of  a  man  looked  fierce  enough  in  a 
great  red  helmet,  with  an  awful  green  eye  a-top 
on't !  If  them  men  had  been  anywheres  else,  I'm 
sartin  they  couldn't  'a'  been  hired  to  make  them- 
selves look  so  silly ! 

I  guess  the  wimmin  enjoyed  their  caps  the 
most,  though  they  seemed  anxious  to  know  if 
they  was  becomin',  and  I  see  some  changin'  goin' 
on.  Most  on  'em  wore  their  riggin'  all  through 
the  dance,  which  was,  as  I  said,  a  militerry  figger. 
Sophiarand  James  give  me  their  caps  and  favors 
to  bring  home  and  show  the  folks. 

I  was  glad  when  it  was  over,  'specially  on  ac- 
count o'  the  poor  musicianer  with  the  sick  baby 
waitin'  for  him  to  home.  I  guess  his  wife  was 
glad  to  see  him,  and  I  hope  the  baby  got  well, 
but  I  hain't  heard. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  69 


THE    STORY    OF  « HARNSOME   MARIAR." 

RELATED  BY  THE  DEACON'S  WIFE. 

"  I  am  dretful  strong  on  temperance,  to  begin 
with — as  a  woman  in  my  posishun  orter  be.  You 
see  I've  been  president  of  the  "  W.  C.  T.  U.  O.  C." 
(which  stands  for  '  The  Wimmins  Christian  Tem- 
perance Union  of  Crabtown')  goin'  on  four  year, 
and  durin'  that  hull  time,  I've  looked  arter  the 
interests  o'  the  socierty  faithful,  set  on  the  plat- 
form to  all  the  meetin's  and  interdooced  the 
speakers.  Though  Caleb  Jason — that's  my  hus- 
band— alwers  makes  a  fuss ;  says  he  don't  want 
his  wife  "stuck  up  there  'long  with  a  pack  o'  old 
maids  and  widders,  most  on  'em  humly  enough 
to  make  a  decent  man  sick  tew  his  stummick !" 

I  says,  "Caleb  Jason,  they  be  plain.  I'll  'low; 
but  you  must  recolleck  that  they  repersent 
principles." 

Still,  between  you'n'  me,  notwithstandin'  my 
posishun,  I  ain't  so  clear  on  some  pints  respectin' 
the  temperance  question  as  what  I'd  like  to  be  : 
that  is,  as  to  ways  and  means,  and  so  on.  I  don't 
feel  quite  sartin  that  prohibishion  would  settle  the 
matter  to  once,  and  moril  swazion  don't  seem  to 
fill  the  bill  exackly  ;  so  there  I  be.  Though  I've 
alwers  done  what  I  could  to  carry  out  both 
principles. 


7O  ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

We've  got  all  sorts  o'  workers  in  our  Socierty, 
and  all  on  'em  is  in  ded  arnest  too,  I  tell  ye. 
There's  some  that  goes  round  the  country  anner- 
lizin'  all  the  likker  they  can  git  hold  on,  so  's  ter 
tell  what's  in  it  to  the  meetin's.  Seem  's  if  they 
found  everything  under  the  sun  in  it — though 
pizen's  the  principal  ingregient.  But  la,  folks 
would  drink  it  if  it  was  all  pizen,  and  the  likker 
dealers  know  it,  and  have  been  gradually  workin' 
up  tew  it  for  some  time.  I  dunno's  the  pizen 
argyment  is  a  mite  stronger'n  any  other. 

Then  agin,  some  bring  in  long  likker  bills  and 
foot  'em  up  on  the  black-board,  ter  show  how 
much  money  is  fooled  away,  and  then  go  on  to 
kalkerlate  how  many  barrels  o'  flower  and  bangle 
bracelets  the  same  sum  would  pervide  the  drunk- 
ard's family.  This  argyment  is  naterally  popular 
with  the  wimmin  folks. 

A  good  many  of  our  members  is  strong  for 
Wimmin's  Rights ;  think  if  wimmin  could  vote, 
the  hull  bizness  would  be  settled  ter  once  by  law. 
But  for  my  part,  I  hain't  much  faith  in  the  law ; 
and  I'd  ruther  my  men  folks  would  go  inter  the 
front  door  to  git  their  drinks  than  sneak  round 
to  the  back  door.  It  looks  more  respecktable, 
somehow. 

Last  year,  when  we  found  that  Jonas  Hapgood 
was  goin'  to  Congress,  we  felt  pretty  chirk,  I  tell 
ye  ;  for  he'd  alwcrs  been  a  red-hot  temperance 
and  wimmin's  rights  man,  and  we  thought  he'd 
give  us  quite  a  boost.  So  the  Socierty  sent  me 
off  post-haste  to  interview  him. 

He  received  me  with  open  arms,  as  it  were, 
and  told  me  that  I  could  "  asshure  the  sisters  of 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  J\ 

the  '  W.  C.  T.  U.  O.  C.'  that  his  hull  heart  was 
theirn,"  and  so  on.  He  took  hold  o'  my  hand 
and  squeezed  and  squeezed  it — seemed  as  if  he 
wouldn't  never  let  go,  till  finally,  for  decency's 
sake,  I  put  an  end  to  it,  and  says  I,  laughin' : 

"  Brother  Hapgood,  we  don't  want  your  heart  • 
couldn't  make  no  airthly  use  on't ;  but  if  you'll 
pledge  yourself  to  vote  for  us — that  is,  in  the  in- 
terests o'  Prohibishion  and  Wimmin's  Rights,  we 
shall  be  perfeckly  satisfied,"  says  I. 

Upon  that  he  hemmed  and  hawed,  and  man- 
aged to  let  himself  down  and  out  as  slick  as 
grease.  I  couldn't  find  no  fault  with  his  manners, 
that's  a  fact !  But  we  made  up  our  minds  that 
men  and  women  don't  haul  tergether  very  well  in 
politicks — not  as  a  gineral  thing. 

We've  got  a  "  Reform  Club"  in  Crabtown,  and 
it's  done  a  power  o'  good.  You  see,  the  way  we 
manage,  we  set  all  the  reformed  drunkards  to 
watchin'  one  'nother,  and  it's  a  good  way.  "  It 
takes  a  thief  to  ketch  a  thief,"  ye  know. 

And  \ve  keep  up  the  interest  in  our  meetin's 
by  securin'  for  every  Sunday  night  some  dretful 
specimen  of  a  sot,  and  gittin'  him  to  sign  the 
pledge,  and  then  go  up  on  the  platform  and  tell 
his  experience  or  sing  a  song.  The  more  dis- 
repytable  he  looks,  the  more  of  a  success  we  con- 
sider him ;  and  if  we  can  fetch  him  in  when  he  is 
a  little  mite  boozy,  so  much  the  better — the  morii 
effeck  I  mean.  But  arter  all's  said  and  done,  some- 
times I  feel  about  discouraged,  and,  as  I  tell  Caleb 
Jason,  it  doos  seem  as  if  the  only  sure  way  ter 
keep  folks  from  drinkin'  rum  is  to  sew  up  their 
mout/is  ;  and  then  they'd  pour  it  into  their  ears 


72  ADVENTURES  OF  AN   OLD  MAID. 

through  a  tunnil — fur's  I  know !  It  doos  beat 
all! 

Did  I  ever  tell  you  what  a  time  I  had  with  my 
Mariar  ? — "  Harnsome  Mariar"  they  called  her  , 
and  she  was  a  beauty,  no  mistake.  She  worked 
for  me  'bout  three  months  last  year ;  that's  the 
way  I  happened  to  know  her.  I  wouldn't  have 
anybody  think  that  I'm  in  the  habit  o'  keepin'  a 
hired  girl.  I  sh'd  be  ashamed  and  mortified 
enough !  No;  when  I'm  in  my  usual  health  I 
wouldn't  take  the  gift  o'  the  best  help  in  the 
world  !  If  my  mother  before  me  did  her  own 
work,  and  made  butter  and  cheese  the  year  round, 
ter  say  nothin'  o'  soap-makin',  house-cleanin',  and 
picklin',  and  perservin'  all  extry,  with  a  family  o' 
nine  children,  I  must  be  smart  if  I  can't  dew  the 
work  for  myself  and  Caleb  Jason  and  Jerry  ! 
With  all  the  modern  improvements  tew — the 
patent  bakers  and  bilers  and  washin'-machines 
and  carpet-sweepers — I'm  sure  the  garret  is  full 
on  'em  ! 

But  there  was  a  while  last  spring,  when  I  got 
all  run  down,  and  a  good  many  days  I  seemed 
ter  need  somebody  to  kinder  fill  up  the  garps. 
Then  I  heard  o'  Mariar.  I  was  told  that  she'd 
b@en  onfortunit,  and  had  been  in  the  habit  o' 
clrinkin'  some  ;  but  that  her  husband  led  her  into 
't  and  was  to  blame  for  it,  and  that  she  hatecf  and 
dispised  the  hull  thing  herself,  and  had  left  him 
for  the  sake  o'  tryin'  to  be  a  decent  woman. 

Of  course  I  was  interested  in  her  to  once,  and 
took  her  right  inter  my  home  and  heart,  as  ye 
might  say. 

She  was  awful  lady-like  as  well  as  harnsome. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  73 

and  I  felt  at  fust  pretty  much  as  if  I  was  the 
hired  girl.  The  deacon  used  to  say  I  treated  her 
like  company,  and  he  should  think  I'd  put  on  the 
best  chiny  for  her  to  use  every  day. 

Anyway,  I  did  take  a  great  fancy  to  her,  and  1 
declare  I  forgot  all  about  her  ever  drinkin'  'fore 
she'd  been  with  me  a  week. 

It  was  goin'  on  two  months  arter  she  come 
that  she  went  down  town  of  an  arrant  one  day, 
and  come  along  supper-time  no  Mariar,  and  I 
begun  to  wonder  what  kep'  her. 

Bimeby  a  hack  drove  inter  the  door-yard,  and 
who  should  pitch  out  head  fust  inter  the  snow 
but  my  Mariar !  Wall,  the  driver  helped  her  up 
onto  the  piazzer  and  drove  away  grinnin'. 

I  hadn't  never  seen  a  drunken  man  dose -tew, 
to  say  nothin'  of  a  drunken  woman!  I  was 
dumfoundered ! 

I  went  up  to  her  and  touched  her  shoulder, 
and  says  I,  "I  wanter  know  if  this  is  yoii, 
Mariar." 

"  Wall,  I  should  smile!"  says  Mariar,  winkin' 
one  black  eye  at  me.  Her  bunnit  was  way  offn 
her  head,  and  she  looked  dretful  rowdyish. 

"Ain't  ye  'shamed  o'  yourself  ?"  says  I,  pullin' 
on  her  bunnit  and  jerkin'  her  down  into  a  cheer. 
"  Give  an  account  o'  yourself.  Where've  ye  been 
and  what  a-dewiri'  ?"  says  I. 

"  Oh,"  says  she,  beginnin'  to  whimper,  "  I  was 
took  on  the  street  with  one  o'  my  terrible  '  spells ' 
and  had  to  call  a  hack  ter  fetch  me  home." 

"Mariar,"  says  I,  real  sollum,  "you've  been  a 
drinkin'  sperits — I  smell  'em  on  your  breath  !" 

"  Of  course  I  have  !"  she  says,  as  bold  as  brass. 


74  ADVENTURES  OF  AK  OLD  MAID. 

"  I  had  ter  go  into  a  store  and  git  a  little  some- 
thin'  'fore  I  could  come  home.  What  would  you 
have  me  dew  ?" 

I  looked  at  her  sharp,  but  I  didn't  hardly  know 
what  to  think.  I  hadn't  never  heard  'bout  no 
"  spells"  afore. 

"  I  feel  dretful  sick  now,"  she  says,  "  and  I  wish 
I  could  go  to  bed.  I  shall  be  all  right  in  the 
mornin'." 

She  couldn't  walk  straight,  and  she  groaned 
and  made  a  terrible  fuss.  I  helped  her  into  her 
room  and  took  off  her  things,  and  she  laid 
down. 

The  deacon  was  away — gone  delergate  to  a 
Convention — and  there  wa'n't  nobody  in  the 
house  but  me  'n' Jerry — that's  my  little  boy — ana 
Mariar. 

I  looked  in  on  Mariar  'bout  dark  and  spoke  to 
her,  but  she  seemed  all  right,  so  I  left  her  and 
went  off  to  bed. 

In  the  middle  o'  the  night  I  happened  to  wake 
up,  and  thought  I'd  jest  go  and  see  how  she  was  ; 
and,  wall — there  she  laid,  white  as  any  marble 
statoo !  And  when  I  begged  on  her  to  speak 
and  tell  me  if  she  was  dead,  she  only  rolled  up 
her  eyes  a  little  grain  ;  that  was  all ! 

I  routed  up  Jerry  and  sent  him  off  post-haste 
after  the  doctor ;  and  in  a  few  minutes  he  come 
along  puffin'  and  out  o'  breath.  He  give  one 
look  at  my  Mariar  and  bust  out  a-laughin'. 

"  You've  sarved  me  a  fine  trick,"  says  he, 
"  haulin'  me  out  o'  bed  this  cold  night  for  this 
'ere." 

"  Doctor,"  says  I,  layin'  my  hand  on  her  cold 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  75 

forrid,  "don't  joke  in  the  chamber  o'  death  !     I 
can  see  that  she's  dyin'  !" 

"  Dyiri  !  Drunk,  you  mean,"  says  the  doctor; 
-'  dead  drunk  /" 

Then  he  asked  me  'bout  it,  and  I  told  him  hott 
she  come  home,  and  how  she  'peared  and  all. 

"  Where's  her  bottle  ?"  he  asks.  "  She's  been 
drinkin'  all  night.  Where's  her  bottle  ?" 

"  Her  bottle  /"  I  screams.  "Do  you  mean  ter 
say  that  the  creatur'  has  been  a-drinkin'  and 
carousin'  right  here  under  my  nose,  and  me  presi- 
dent of  a  temperance  socierty,  and  a  deacon's  wife 
ter  boot !" 

"  Jest  so,"  says  the  doctor,  dry's  a  chip. 
"  She's  been  on  a  bust,  as  ye  might  say,  right 
here  in  your  bedroom,  Mis'  Jones." 

I  declare  you  might  'a'  knocked  me  down  with 
a  pin-feather. 

Wall,  he  went  on  rummagin'  round  under  the 
bed  and  pullin'  out  burow  drawers,  and  bimeby 
sure  enough  he  did  find  a  great  quart  bottle 
marked  "  Borbon  Whiskey,"  and  it  was  empty. 

Wall,  we  give  her  a  bowl  o'  strong  coffy,  and 
the  doctor  staid  with  us  a  little  while,  bein'  I  was 
alone  and  so  kinder  upsot.  Towards  mornin' 
Mariar  begun  to  come  tew. 

When  she  could  speak,  she  turns  her  great 
harnsome  eyes  on  to  the  doctor  and  says  she, 

"  Doctor,  did  you  ever  see  so  good-lookin'  a 
woman  as  I  be,  in  sech  a  miser'ble  condishun 
afore  ?" 

"  No,  I  hope  not,"  says  he.  She  drawed  in  a 
long  breath.  "  So  young,  so  beautiful,  so  onfor- 
tinit,"  she  sighs. 


76  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

"  Nothin'  o'  the  kind  !"  says  the  doctor. 
"  You're  drunk,  that's  all !" 

Then  she  begins  to  groan  and  take  on,  and 
wring  her  hands. 

"  Oh,"  says  she,  awful  beseechin',  "won't  you 
give  me  somethin'  ter  make  me  forgit !" 

"  No,  I  won't !"  snaps  the  doctor.  "  I'd  give 
ye  somethin'  ter  make  ye  remember,  though,  if  I 
could  !" 

She  see  she  wa'n't  goin'  to  make  much  out  o' 
him,  so  she  turned  her  face  over  to  the  wall  and 
kep'  still. 

The  doctor  left  us  pretty  soon,  and  I  made  her 
as  comfortable  as  I  could,  and  then  went  and  laid 
down. 

In  about  an  hour  I  heard  Mariar  come  stum- 
blin'  along  out.  She  come  inter  my  room,  and  up 
to  my  bed,  cryin'  and  wririgin'  her  hands,  and 
says  she,  "  Where's  the  bottle.?  Give  it  to 
me!" 

"  You  can't  have  it,"  says  I  ;  "  and,  besides, 
there  aiw't  nothin'  in  it." 

"  Oh,  give  me  a  drop,  jest  one  drop  !"  she 
begged,  lookin'  wild  and  crazy.  I  thought  o' 
the  rich  man  in  torment,  but  I  was  firm  as  a 
rock. 

"  Not  a  drop  !"  says  I,  "not  a  single,  identikle 
drop  /" 

"  Git  me  somethin ,  then,"  she  screams  in  a 
fury,  "  and  git  it  quick,  or  I'll  tear  ye  all  ter 
pieces !" 

I  sprung  round  and  made  her  some  morecoffy, 
extry  strong  and  hot,  and  she  drank  'bout  a  qun; ; 
and  went  off  to  bed  agin. 


ADVENTURES  OF  A  A7  OLD  MAID.  77 

The  next  day  she  was  in  her  right  mind,  but 
weak  and  trembly. 

/was  all  used  up.     If  I  hadn't  been  president 

0  the  "  W.  C.  T.  U.  O.  C.,"    I'd'  a'  opened   the 
door  and  set  her  out  on  to  the  door  stun.      But 
as  it  was,  I  thought  I  must  consider  the  looks  o' 
the  thing. 

Wall,  I  labored  and  talked  /vith  her  the  best  I 
knew  how,  and  she  seemed  sorry  and  promised 
ter  dew  better.  She  spoke  o'  the  hackman,  and 
asked  if  it  'twa'n't  that  good-lookin'  Johnson  that 
fetched  her  home.  I  told  her  it  was,  and  she  said 
how  she  "  hoped  she  didn't  look  like  a  fright  if 
she  was  drunk." 

I  felt  it  my  dooty  to  tell  her  that  her  bunnit 
was  all  jammed,  and  on  one-sided,  and  she  seemed 
mortified  enough. 

All  the  forenoon  she  was  ree'less  and  oneasy. 

1  didn't  know  what  to  make  on  her.     The  doctor 
charged  me  to  keep  her  still  in  the  house,  but  I 
had  hard  work  to  dew  it,  I  tell  ye. 

Fust  she  said  a  walk  would  make  her  feel  better. 
She  wanted  to  go  down  to  the  post-offis ;  she  was 
expectin'  a  letter.  I  told  her  Jerry  would  go 
down  for  her. 

Then  she  said  as  long's  she  wa'n't  able  to  work, 
she'd  like  ter  go  and  call  on  a  friend.  I  advised 
her  to  put  it  off  a  day  or  tew. 

Then  she  begun  to  howl  and  dance,  round  the 
room ;  said  her  tooth  ached,  and  she  must  go  ter 
the  dentist  and  have  it  out  right  off,  or  she  should 
go  off  the  handle. 

I  put  everything  I  could  think  on  into  hei 
mouth — for  she  couldn't  seem  to  tell  which  tooth 


78  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

it  was — and  finally  when  I  brought  out  tht 
creosote,  she  said  she  felt  a  little  mite  better,  so 
we  didn't  try  that.  But  bimeby  she  complained 
o'  feelin'  faint,  and  asked  me  to  open  the  winder 
jest  a  crack.  I  did,  and  she  seemed  ter  revive 
right  off,  and  said  now  if  she  only  had  a  good  cup 
o'  tea  she  should  be  all  right.  I  went  out  inter  the 
kitchen  to  make  the  tea — had  ter  bile  the  tea- 
kittle  and  it  took  some  time — and  when  I  come 
back,  the  winder  was  wide  open,  and  my  Mariar 
wa'n't  nowheres  to  be  seen  ! 

I  felt  awful  worked  up,  and  I  knew  the  doctor 
would  blame  me.  I  waited  an  hour  or  sc,  think- 
in'  she'd  come  back  as  quick  as  she'd  got  a  drink, 
but  she  didn't  come,  so  I  put  on  my  bunnit  ?.nd 
shawl  and  walked  down  street. 

When  I  got  oppersite  the  post-offis  I  met 
Mariar  a-rollin'  along  towards  me,  with  her  bun- 
nit  hangin'  down  her  back,  and  she  was  singing  as 
loud  as  she  could  yell,  somethin'  she  lamed  to 
the  "  Salvation  Army"  meetin's. 

"  I  am,  I  am  the  child  of  a  king  !" 

There  was  a  pack  o'  boys  to  her  heels,  laughin1 
and  makin'  fun,  and  when  they  see  me,  they  hol- 
lered out, 

"  Mis'  Jones  !  here's  your  Mariar  !  and  she  says 
how  she's  the  child  of  a  king /  Look's  like  one, 
don't  she  ?" 

"  She  acts  more  like  a  child  o'  the  evil  one  !" 
thinks  I,  but  I  didn't  say  nothin'. 

I  got  her  home  as  quick  's  I  could  and  put  he; 
to  bed  agin',  and  follered  out  the  same  program' 
as  before,  only  this  time  I  didn't  call  the  doctoi 
ic. 


ADVENTURES  OF  A&  OLD  MATD.  79 

"  I  kep*  her  straight  a  spell  arter  this,  but  I 
found  it  wa'n't  no  use.  I  tried  everything1  but 
sewin'  up  her  mouth,  and  had  ter  give  up.  I  got 
so  out  o'  patience  finally  that  I  set  her  a-goin'.  I 
didn't  care  if  I  was  president  of  the  "  \V.  C.  T. 
U.  O.  C.  ;"  I  was  human  all  the  same,  and  I  was 
all  wore  out. 

So  I  got  her  some  new  clo'es,  and  paid  her 
fare  back  to  her  mother,  and  I  hain't  seen  not 
heard  from  her  sence. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAW. 


A   HOTEL   EXPERIENCE. 

A  good  many  Crabtown  folks  take  their  meals 
at  the  hotel  through  the  months  of  July  and 
August.  They  ruther  do  so  than  go  to  the  beach 
or  mountings.  I  think,  myself,  it's  most  comfort- 
able stayin'  ter  home  the  wust  o'  the  hot  weather, 
and  doin'  your  travellin'  and  visitin'  when  it's 
cooler.  But  la,  there's  them  that  would  go  away 
somewheres,  jest  for  the  name  on't,  if  they  suf- 
fered etarnal  torments.  It's  astonishin'  what 
some  folks  will  endure  for  the  sake  o'  bein' 
fashnerble !  Lucy  Jane  was  tellin'  me  how  she 
went  to  the  beach  the  summer  before,  and  took 
little  Emmy,  and  she  said  she  never  worked  so 
hard  nor  suffered  so  much  in  the  hull  course  of 
her  life. 

You  see,  Emmy  had  to  be  kep'  dressed  up  in 
clean  white  clo'es,  and  she  couldn't  play  nor  take 
no  comfort,  and  the  consequents  was  that  she 
got  so  cross  and  fretty  that  her  mother  couldn't 
do  nothin'  with  her ;  and,  what  time  she  didn't 
spend  on  Emmy  was  occupied  in  dressin'  andon- 
dressin'  herself — sweatm'  and  fussin'  to  look  as 
well  as  the  rest  on  'em.  So  when  she  got  home 
she  was  all  run  down,  au>JJ  the  fust  thing  Jake — 
that's  her  husband — said  tew  her,  was,  that  she 
looked  as  if  she'd  had  a  fit  o'  sickness.  "And  I 
told  him,"  said  Lucy  Jane,  "  how't  that  was  the 
last  time  I  should  go  away  from  home  in  hot 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  8 1 

\veather,  if  I  knew  myself."  So  the  next  summer 
she  thought  she'd  try  a  new  plan. 

You  see,  she  didn't  never  keep  no  help  (Lucy 
Jane's  a  fust-rate  housekeeper — smart  as  a  trap), 
and  there's  only  three  on  'em,  and  I  made  four ; 
so  she  says  to  me,  "  We'll  take  our  meals  to  the 
hotel.  Then  I  shall  git  red  o'  the  cookin'  over  a 
hot  stove,  and  that's  all  I  want." 

She  asked  me  what  I  thought  on't,  and  I  told 
her  I  run  of  a  notion  I  should  like.it.  So  we  be- 
gun the  very  next  day. 

But  there  \vas  some  things  about  it  I  didn't 
like,  and  couldn't  never  git  used  to,  I  know. 
For  instance,  when  we  undertook  to  set  down  to 
the  table,  half  a  dozen  waiters  sprung  forrerd,  and 
one  on  'em  grabbed  my  chair  in  both  hands  and 
hild  it  'way  back.  What  ter  dew  I  didn't  know, 
but  I  looked  at  Lucy  Jane  and  tried  to  back  in- 
ter my  chair  jest  as  she  did,  with  the  man  a 
holdin'  on  to  it.  But  fust  I  knew  my  lim's  was 
knocked  out  from  under  me,  and  I  set  down  all 
of  a  sudden  !  I  thought  for  a  minnit  my  knees 
was  broke  sure.  I  didn't  like  it,  any  way,  and  I 
says  to  Lucy  Jane,  "  When  I  git  so  I  can't  set 
down  ter  the  table  alone,  I'll  go  without  eatin' !" 
says  I. 

She  laughed,  and  said  I'd  "git  used  tew  it,"  but 
I  never  did  ;  and  if  I  could  sly  in  and  git  my  seat 
without  that  waiter  seein'  me,  I  enjoyed  my  din- 
ner a  good  deal  better.  But  he  was  ginerally 
rip;ht  on  hand  ;  he  was  an  awful  wide-awake  feller  ! 

<"*>  ' 

When  I  \vas  eatin',  of  course  I  had  to  look  some- 
wheres,  and  if  my  eye  happened  to  lite  on  him  for 
a  second,  he'd  spring  at  me  as  if  his  life  depended 


"  WHKN  I  GIT  so  i  CAN'T  SET  DOWN  TER  THE  TABLE  ALONI,  i'iz 
GO  WITHOUT  EATIN'  !"  SAYS  i.    (Page  81.) 

82 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAW.  83 

on  sarvin'  me.  Once  he  grabbed  my  plate  and 
wasgoin'  off  with  it.  "  See  here,"  says  {,  "won't 
you  jest  let  my  plate  be ;  I  hain't  done  with  it 
yet." 

"  Oh,"  says  he,  terrible  cut  up  "  I  beg  voui 
pardin  !" 

"All  right,"  says  I.  I  didn't  wanter  huil 
his  feelin's,  you  know,  for  he  meant  well,  and 
after  that  he  was  a  little  more  moderate. 

That  hotel  was  a  master  place  ter  study  human 
natur'. 

I  found  out  that  a  lady  to  home  was  a  lady 
to  a  hotel ;  but  some  that  called  themselves  so 
was  anything  but  ladies,  'cordin'  ter  my  mind. 
They  had  a  chance  to  show  right  out  what  they 
was.  They'd  find  no  end  o'  fault  with  the  waiters 
and  turn  up  their  noses  at  the  vittles.  They'd 
order  'bout  everything  on  the  bill  o'  fare,  and  then 
pick  it  all  over  and  leave  it  in  a  mess.  I  couldn't 
a  felt  ter  dew  so  more'n  I  would  ri  a  private 
house. 

We  see  all  sorts  o'  folks.  One  day  a  woman 
come  in  and  set  down  to  our  table.  She  was  all 
decked  out  in  silks  and  dimonds,  and  had  a  bokay 
pinned  on  to  her  stummuck  as  big  as  a  wash-dish. 
Lucy  Jane  said  she  was  a  "  transient,"  but  aftei 
we  see  how  she  performed  we  concluded  she  was 
a  pig,  whatever  else  she  might  be.  We  had 
lobster  salud  on  the  table  that  day,  for  a  kind  of 
a  side  dish — there  wa'n't  a  great  lot  on't,  ye  know 
— it  was  only  jest  for  a  relish  like  pickles  or 
persarves.  There  was  one  dish  to  each  end  o* 
the  table.  Wall,  what  did  that  creatur'  dew  but 


84  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

put  her  arm  round  the  one  at  her  end  o'  the 
table  and  dip  into  it  as  if  she  owned  it ! 

When  I  see  that,  I  says  to  the  lady  beside  o' 
me, 

"  Less'  larn  her  a  lesson,  and  shame  her,  if 
there's  any  shame  tew  her."  "Agreed,"  says  she0 

So  we  took  the  other  dish  o'  salud — all  there 
was  on  the  table,  mind  ye — and  passed  it  along 
tew  her. 

When  the  woman  see  what  was  comin'  she 
looked  kinder  puzzled  for  a  minute,  then  she 
smiled,  as  pleased  as  could  be,  and  what  did  she 
dew,  but  take  it,  and  thank  us,  bowin'  her  head 
till  her  dimonds  fairly  dazzled  our  eyes ;  and  says 
she,  "I'm  sure  you're  real  kind;  I'm  dreadful 
fond  o'  lobster  salud  !"  And  upon  that  she  fell 
tew  and  finished  the  job  in  no  time  !  We  was  tew 
disgusted  to  even  smile,  but  there  wa'n't  no  draw- 
backs to  her  enjoyment ! 

Not  long  after  the  waiter  set  a  stranger  down 
side  o'  me.  He  was  a  good-natered,  respectable- 
lookin'  man — that  was  all  I  minded  about  him  at 
fust ;  but  when  he  took  up  the  bill  o'  fare  he 
turned  to  me  in  a  curi's  confidin'  kind  o'  way  and 
says  he,  j 

"  I  can't  see  to  read  this  'ere  ;  I  wish  you'd  jest 
run  over  the  meat  list  to  me."  So  I  begun  to  read 
it  to  him  low.  "  Rpast  beef,  roast  lamb,"  and  so 
on. 

He  put  his  hand  up  to  his  ear.  "  Won't  you 
speak  a  leetle  louder  ?"  says  he  ;  "  I'm  ruther  hard 
o'  hearin'." 

So  I  went  over  it  agin,  so  loud  that  all  the 
folks  to  the  table  looked  up  to  see  what  I  was 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD   MAID.  85 

dewin'.  I  felt  cheap  enough,  but  I  could'nt  re- 
fuse ter  help  a  feller  mortal  pick  out  his  dinner. 
He  finally  stopped  me  and  said  he'd  have  roast 
beef.  "  I  don't  know  much  about  them  furrin 
names — Fillet  d  beef  and  Arly  mode"  says  he, 
smilin'  good-natered.  "  Plain  roast  beef  is  safest 
for  me,  I  guess."  "  Any  vegetables  ?"  asks  the 
waiter. 

The  man  handed  the  bill  o'  fare  to  me  agin 
with  that  same  confidin'  smile.  "  Read,"  says 
he. 

So  I  read,  "  Squash,  tomarters,  green  corn— 
"  Stop  !"  says  he,  so  quick  and  sharp  that  I  bit 
my  tongue,  and  the  waiter  knocked  over  a  goblet 
o'  water. 

"  For  massy  sakes,  what  is  it  !"  says  I,  thinkin 
the  man  had  lost  what  few  senses  he  had. 

"  Nothin',"  says  he,  "only  I'll  have  corn  /  Hain't 
had  none  this  year,  by  George  !  all  dried  up  our 
way  !  I'll  have  corn  and  turnup — that'll  dew" 
and  he  leaned  back  in  his  chair  and  smacked  his 
lips. 

Wall,  the  waiter  brought  his  dinner,  and  I 
thought  my  sarvices  wouldn't  be  needed  no  more, 
when  all  to  once  the  man  turned  to  me  kinder 
perplexed  like,  and  says  he, 

"  I  wish  you'd  be  good  enough  to  taste  o' my 
pertater  ;  it  tastes  dretful  queer." 

I  didn't  dars  ter  refuse  for  fear  he'd  make  talk 
about  it,  and  I  should  be  still  more  conspicewous, 
so  I  tasted  on't. 

"  Lordy  massy,"  says  I,  "  that's  your  turnup  1 
Where's  your  pertater  ?" 

"  What  ?"  says  he,  puttin'  his  hand  to  his  ear. 


86  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MA/1}. 

"Turnup  !"  says  I.  He  nodded  his  head  and 
laughed. 

"  I  thought  so,"  says  he,  "but  I  didn't  feel  quite 
sure.  S'pose  like  enough  real  pertater  is  scarce 
here,  hey  ?  Think  I  can  git  some  ?  Oh  wall,  all 
right." 

I  spoke  to  the  waiter  and  he  brought  his  per- 
tater. Thinks  I  ter  myself,  "  Mister,  you  hain'c 
got  seven  senses  enough  about  ye  ter  travel 
round  alone  ;  you  orter  take  a  boy  along  to  tend 
tew  ye.  I've  done  it  'bout  as  long  as  I  want  'er." 
And  I  begun  to  eat  my  dinner  in  arnest. 

Jake  was  tickled  almost  ter  death.  He'G  been 
nudgin'  me  under  the  table  all  the  time.  Every- 
body was  lookin'  at  me,  and  there  was  some 
laughin',  but  I  felt  as  if  I  wa'n't  ter  blame  and 
tried  to  look  carm  and  dignerfied 

When  we  got  through  our  dinner  we  went  out 
apd  left  the  man  I'd  had  the  care  on  still  eatin'. 
Lucy  Jane  and  I,  we  alwers  had  ter  wait  a  spell 
in  the  parlor  for  Jake,  while  he  went  into  the 
office  to  see  a  friend  or  transack  some  business  or 
'nother,  and  so  we  was  a  settin'  there  laughin'  and 
talkin'  about  what  had  happened,  when  who 
should  walk  in  but  the  very  man  himself,  and  he 
comes  over  to  me,  and  says  with  that  curi's  con- 
fidin'  smile  o'  hisn, 

"  Young  woman,  I  don't  know  who  you  be, 
but  you've  got  a  kind  heart  and  a  brave  one.  Do 
you  think  I  didn't  see  how  embarrissed  you  was 
ter  the  table  ?  Lord  love  ye,  I  can  see  some 
things  without  my  spe'tacles,  if  I  can't  see  ter 
read,  nor  tell  turnup  from  pertater  !  And  now," 
says  he,  fumblin'  in  his  pockets,  "  I  want  'er  give 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  I? 

-you  this  to  remember  me  by,  and  to  remind  ye 
of  your  goodness  to  a  stranger."  So  sayin',  he 
hauled  a  little  ring  out  of  his  pocket,  and 
presented  it  tew  me  on  the  spot. 

I  was  'shamed  enough  to  think  how  I'd  felt 
towards  him,  and  I  colored  up  red's  a  beet. 

"  I  couldn't  think  o'  takin'  it,  mister,"  said  I, 
"  If  I've  done  anything  '_o  help  you,  you're 
welcome,  and  more  tew." 

"  Hut,  tut !"  said  he  ;  I'm  older'n  you  be  ;  piay 
I'm  your  uncle  now,  as  I  wish  I  was,  and  take 
the  little  ring — comc.;;  When  I  see  how  he  felt 
I  accepted  on't  with  the  tears  in  my  eyes,  and  I've 
wore  it  ever  ?ence. 

The  next  day  when  the  ladies  plagued  me 
about  my  "  charge,"  as  they  called  him,  I  showed 
'e*n  the  ring,  and  they  agreed  that  I  was  well  paid 

Jake  says  it,  is  3  4imond  of  the  fust  water. 


88  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


THE  NEWFANGLED  SCHOOL. 

When  I  was  down  to  my  niece's  Last  winter,  I 
went  with  her  one  day  to  visit  the  school  where 
her  little  boy,  James  Ed'ard,  goes,  and — wall,  it 
did  beat  all ! 

1  know  there's  been  great  reforms  and  im- 
provements in  the  schools  in  some  respects  sence 
my  day,  and  the  best  on't  is,  doin'  away  with 
them  old  barberous  punishments.  Why,  when  I 
was  young,  a  teacher  that  happened  to  have  a 
cruel  disposishion  could  turn  his  school  into  a 
regelar  inquisishion,  if  he  was  a  mind  tew  ! 

There  was  some  terrible  torturin'  punishments 
that  was  common  everywheres.  To  stand  with 
our  heads  in  the  table-drawer  ;  to  stoop  over  and 
hold  the  tip  of  the  finger  on  the  head  of  a  nail  in 
the  floor ;  settin'  on  nothin'  aginst  the  side  o'  the 
house  ;  standin'  with  our  thum's  tied  to  a  high 
nail  in  the  wall,  and  a  lot  more  that  it  makes  my 
blood  bile  to  remember  ! 

Why,  it  was  a  common  practis'  with  teachers 
to  throw  their  ruler  full  drive  at  any  scholar  they 
happened  to  ketch  in  mischief.  No  thanks  to 
the  teacher  that  it  didn't  kill  every  time  ! 

But  some  things  was  well  enough  as  they  was, 
'cordin'  to  my  way  o'  thinkin'.  Now,  didn't  it 
look  beautiful  and  respeckful  for  the  school  to 
rise  when  a  visitor  come  in  ?  And  how  can  a 
class  show  off  to  better  advantage  than  standin'  in 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  89 

the  floor  to  recite,  in  a  nice  straight  line,  heads 
up,  hands  behind  'em,  eyes  on  the  teacher  ? 

I  don't  know  as  it  is  wuth  while  to  mention  the 
water-pail  and  tin-dipper  business,  but  I  do  say  it 
was  a  good  institution  for  all  consarned,  and  I, 
for  one,  miss  it. 

To  return  to  my  story,  I  don't  s'pose  I  should 
ever  thought  o'  goin'  into  school  that  day,  if  my 
little  nephew's  actions  hadn't  riled  me  up — as  you 
might  say.  He  was  jest  in  his  second  term  o! 
school  and  was  all  took  up  with  his  riggers.  Used 
to  add  and  subtrack  in  his  sleep  ;  lugged  his  tables, 
round  with  him  wherever  he  went ;  couldn't 
hardly  eat  a  meal  o'  vittles  without  havin'  'em  side 
of  his  plate.  But  I  undertook  to  hear  him  say 
'em  one  day,  and  lawful  sakes,  I  couldn't  make 
no  head  nor  tail  on't !  What  he  could  say  was 
all  well  and  good,  but  what  he  couldnt  say  I 
couldn't  larn  him  no  more'n  's  if  I'd  spoke  in  a 
heathin  tongue — not  a  mite  ! 

I  alwers  thought  8  and  8  was  16,  and  that  that 
was  all  there  was  to  it ;  but  it  wa'n't  enough  for 
him.  He  said  how't  his  teacher  used  things  to 
count  up  by — splintzes  he  called  'em — and  he 
couldn't  and  wouldn't  larn  my  way. 

I  argered  with  him.  "  Why,  see  here,  James 
Ed'ard,"  says  I,  "8  and  8  is  16,  ain't  it?  All 
you've  got  to  do  is  to  remember  it.  Can't  ye  jest 
remember  it  ?"  But  I  see  it  wa'n't  no  kind  o' 
use,  and  had  to  give  it  up.  I  felt  awful  galled, 
though  to  think  I  couldn't  larn  nothin'  to  a  little 
feller  like  him. 

I  goes  to  his  mar,  and  says  I,  "  Sofrony,  that 
teacher  o'  James  Ed'ard's  ought  to  be  looked  after. 


9O  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

The  idee  that  a  young  one  can't  larn  his  tables 
without  a  mess  o'  splintzes  and  things — redicker- 
lous !"  says  I.  "  Why  don't  they  jest  say  'em 
over'n  over  till  they  (larn  'em,  as  we  used  to  ? 
Massy  sakes !  I  bet  I've  said  them  tables  over  to 
myself  more'n  ten  thousand  times  if  I  have  once  ! 
That's  the  way  to  do  it." 

"Yes,  I  know,"  says  Sofrony,  "that  was  the 
old-fashioned  way  o'  doin' ;  but  I  believe  they 
think  that  was  tew  mecanikle.  Oh,  there's  lots  o' 
newfangled  notions  nowdays,  Aunt  Ruth  !  But 
I  tell  ye  what,  you  and  me  '11  go  into  school  to- 
morrer,  and  see  jest  how  and  all  about  it.  What 
do  ye  say  ?" 

"  Wall,"  says  I,  "  I  don't  care  if  I  do.  I  alvvers 
was  interested  in  the  cause  o'  edication  ;  but  I 
shan't  encourage  no  upstart  notions  nor  swaller  no 
nonsense." 

So  we  went,  and  I  can't  begin  to  tell  all  we  see 
and  heard. 

In  the  fust  place,  the  school-house  was  nice 
enough  for  Queen  Victory's  children ;  all  fitted 
up  in  great  shape  with  steam-pipes  and  ventilators 
and  maps  and  picters  and  so  on.  I  couldn't  help 
contrastin'  it  with  the  little  old  yeller  school-house 
at  home,  with  its  slantin'  floors  and  rough  pine 
benches.  Then,  agin,  I  remembered  how  it  used 
to  be  when  company  come  into  school.  How 
kinder  flustered  and  bashful  the  children  alwers 
felt,  and  the  teacher,  too,  for  that  matter.  But 
la !  they  didn't,  mind  no  more  about  Sofrony  and 
me,  than  if  we'd  been  two  flies  come  buzzin'  in  at 
the  winder. 

"  Ladies,"  says  the  teacher,  after  she'd  V 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID,  Ql 

us  some  seats,  "  we  are  jest  now  engaged  on  our 
exercises  in  'Rithmetic." 

We  see  the  children  was  all  huddled  round  a 
long  table  littered  over  with  what  I  took  to  be 
the  splintzes  James  Ed'ard  had  told  about,  and 
piles  of  common  pebble-stones. 

The  splintzes  wa'n't  nothin'  under  the  sun  but 
little  bits  o'  wood  cut  all  of  a  size  somethin'  like 
toothpicks.  Wall,  the  boys  and  girls  was  a-stand- 
in'  round  this  table,  as  I  said,  and  when  the 
teacher  asked  'em  a  question,  they  made  a  unan- 
ymus  dive  for  them  splintzes  and  stones  and 
begun  to  count  and  lay  'em  in  piles  afront  of 'em. 

James  Ed'ward  got  his  done  fust,  and  he  raised 
his  hand  and  waved  it  and  snapped  it,  as  if  he 
was  crazy  to  let  everybody  know  how  smart  he 
was. 

The  teacher  waited  a  few  minutes  so's  to  give 
'em  plenty  of  time  ;  then  she  called  for  the  answer 
and  they  all  yelled  it  out  together,  loud  enough 
to  split  your  head  open.  There  was  quite  a  num- 
ber of  questions,  and  after  they  got  through  I  says 
to  the  teacher, 

"  I  hope  you'll  excuse  me,  marm,  but  I  should 
like  to  ask  if  it  wouldn't  be  more  comfortable  for 
you  and  the  scholars — save  your  narves  and  heads, 
as  it  were — if  you'd  have  'em  larn  these  lessons  in 
their  seats  by  studyin'  of  'em,  and  then  come  out 
in  the  floor  in  a  harnsome  line  and  recite  'em 
quiet  and  orderly,  like  rashional  bein's.  I  jest 
want  to  inquire,"  says  I. 

The  teacher  colored  up  as  red's  a  beet  and  I 
was  afraid  she  was  mad,  but  she  answered  me  ver/ 
perlite, 


92  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID, 

"  Our  method  is  new  to  you.  perhaps,  and  seems 
odd  ?" 

"  Yes,  it  does,  that's  a  fact ;"  says  I.  "  It  seems 
like  makin'  a  great  fuss  about  nothin'." 

"  I  hope  you  will  think  better  of  it  by  and  by, 
when  you  have  obsarved  its  workin's,"  says  she. 
I  thought  I  shouldn't  probably  do  no  sech  thing, 
but  I  didn't  say  so. 

Wall,  after  they  took  their  seats  the  teacher 
went  round  and  give  every  scholar  a  picter.  I 
see  James  Ed'ard's  was  a  picter  of  a  man  strut- 
tin'  along  in  the  rain  with  an  umbrell  over  his 
head.  A  lot  o'  folks  was  lookin'  after  him,  and 
underneath  was  printed,  "Jonas  Hanzvay  and  His 
Umbrell." 

The  teacher  called  James  Ed'ard's  name  fust,  and 
he  marched  out  into  the  floor  as  big  as  life.  He 
looked  at  his  picter  a  minute  and  then  he  begun 
— he  pitched  his  voice  'way  up  high — and  says 
he, 

"  I  have  a  picter  of  a  man  with  an  umbrell ;  I 
see  some  folks  starin'  after  him  ;  three  girls  and 
a  man,  and  a  boy  with  a  baskit  over  his  head. 
The  man  feels  big  because  he's  got  the  only  um- 
brell in  town,  and  their  starin'  at  him  so  only 
makes  him  feel  all  the  bigger.  I  guess  he's  a 
stingy  old  chap  or  he'd  let  somebody  go  under 
along  of  him — looks  like  it,  anyway.  Go  it,  old 
Skinflint !" 

Of  course  the  scholars  all  laughed,  and  the 
teacher  turned  to  explain. 

"You  see,  ladies,"  says  she,  "this  exercise 
brings  out  individooal  thought.  You  obsarve 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  93 

also,  that  they're  allowed  perfeck  freedom  of  ex- 
pression ;  we  make  all  corrections  afterwards." 

"  They  do  express  themselves  powerful  free, 
that's  a  fact,  marm,"  says  I.  "  And  what  do  you 
call  this  exercise  ?" 

"  Oh,  it's  a  part  of  our  system  of  '  objeck  teach- 
in','  "  says  she. 

"  Hum,  I  know  all  about  that,  jest  like  a  book. 
I've  had  it  afore.  That  man's  the  good  samari- 
tan.  He  was  the  best  o'  the  lot.  He  told  the 
landlord  to  take  the  poor  tramp  in  to  his  hotel 
and  do  up  his  sores  in  mutton  taller,  and  give  him 
everything  good  to  eat — gingerbread  and  candy 
and  peanuts,  you  know,"  lookin'  round  at  the 
other  boys,  "  and  he'd  foot  the  bills.  He  was  a 
brick — you  bet !" 

And  so  they  went  on — a  dozen  or  more  of  'em, 
and  it  did  seem  as  if  each  one  tried  to  say  somethin' 
more  redickerlous  than  the  rest.  I  couldn't  help 
laughin'  if  I  died  for't,  but  I  didn't  approve  on't 
by  no  manner  o'  means. 

The  singin'  master  come  in  before  they  got 
through  with  the  picters,  but  they  left  right  off 
and  hustled  them  away  in  a  hurry.  They  was  all 
smilin'  and  noddin'  to  him  as  if  they  was  dretful 
glad  to  see  him,  and  he  seemed  fond  of  them,  and 
talked  to  'em  as  if  he'd  been  their  par. 

"Now,"  says  he  "here's  the  '  Thanksgivin' 
Song ' — you  all  know  about  Thanksgivin'  ?" 

"  You  bet  we  do  S"  says  one,  and  "  yes,  yes  !"  all 
over  the  room. 

"Wall,  then,"  says  he  "you  must  sing  this 
piece  extry  nice  to-day,"  and  after  they'd  sung  it 
he  pats  one  little  girl  on  the  head  and  looks 


94  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID, 

round  on  'em  all  smilin',  and  says,  "  Well  done, 
well  done  !  How  would  you  like  to  play  you're 
all  my  children,  and  spread  a  great  big  table  right 
here,  and  have  our  thanksgivin'  all  together  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes  sir  !"  says  the  little  girl,  eager  as  can 
be,  "and  play  that  you  was  the  par  and  teacher 
was  the  mar,  and  we  was  all  your  little  girls  and 
boys !" 

"  Splendid  !"  says  the  singin'  master  ;  but  1 
noticed  he  seemed  kinder  cut  up,  and  he  set  'em 
to  singin'  agin  as  quick  's  he  could  convenient. 
We  found  out  afterwards  that  he  was  pay  in'  'ten- 
tion  to  the  teacher,  and  I  guess  them  scholars 
knew  it ! 

After  he'd  gone,  they  had  one  more  exercise,  and 
that  was  all.  Each  scholar  made  up  a  question 
in  'rithmetic,  and  some  on  'em  was  remarkable 
good,  I  must  say.  The  only  trouble  was,  that 
they  got  noisy  and  out  of  order,  same's  they  did 
about  everything  ejse.  They  didn't  seem  to  be 
afraid  o'  nobody  nor  nothin',  and  they  was  all 
wide-awake  and  sharp  and  keen  as  razors,  every 
one  of  'em.  I  couldn't  help  bein'  interested  in 
the  little  rogues,  and  I  should  admire  to  know 
how  they-  all  turned  out  when  they  grew  up. 

This  was  one  little  girl's  example  :  "  If  I  weigh 
48  Ibs.  and  my  grandmar  weighs  150  Ibs.  and 
Mary  Jane  Cross  50  Ibs.,  what  is  the  sum  of  our 
weight  ?  Answer — 248  Ibs." 

"  But  I  don't  weigh  50  Ibs.,"  speaks  up  Mary 
Jane,  pert  as  you  please.  "  I  only  weigh  47  Ibs.'' 

"  I  do,"  says  another  ;  "  I  weigh  jest  50  Ibs.  ex- 
actly." 

"  And  I  weigh  twenty,"  says  another.    They  all 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  95 

begun  to  tell  their  own  weight  and  their  grand- 
mother's and  everybody's  else,  all  hollerin'  to- 
gether. 

The  teacher  couldn't  make  herself  heard  till  she 
rung  her  bell  loud  and  long.  Then  she  spoke  up 
to  'em  pretty  sharp,  and  they  simmered  down 
wonderful  quick,  I  must  say,  considerin'. 

When  they'd  got  through  with  all  their  doin's 
and  exercises,  I  riz  up  in  my  seat,  and  says  I,  "If 
you  hain't  no  objections  I  should  like  to  ask  your 
scholars  a  few  common-sense  questions,"  says  I. 

Sofrony  she  pinched  my  arm  to  stop  me,  but  I 
didn't  mind  nothin'  about  her.  I  had  my  sus- 
picions that  there  was  some  things  outside  o'  their 
new  method  wuth  knowin'  that  hadn't  been 
'tended  to  in  that  school,  and  I  meant  to  show 
that  teacher  and  them  scholars  that  I  knew  a 
thing  or  two,  if  I  was  edicated  before  they  was 
born. 

The  teacher  seemed  very  willin'  to  'commodate 
me,  and  says, 

"  Oh,  sartinly,  ask  as  many  questions  as  you 
please." 

"  In  the  fust  place,"  says  I,  "can  I  have  the 
class  come  out  in  the  floor  and  toe  this  'ere  crack  ?• 
I  do  think  it's  an  awful  lazy  way  for  'em  to  recite 
in  their  seats." 

"  Sartinly,  sartinly,"  says  she  again.  So  she 
called  'em  all  out  into  the  floor,  and  after  they'd 
tumbled  over  each  other  and  stepped  on  one 
'nother's  toes,  and  pushed  and  hauled  awhile,  I 
got  'em  into  somethin'  like  a  straight  line. 

"  Now,  children,"  says  I,  "  'tend  to  me.  Who 
made  you  ? " 


9$  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

"Adam  and  Eve  !  God!  George  Washing* 
ton  /  "  they  shouted  before  the  question  was  fairly 
out  of  my  mouth. 

I  turned  round  and  looked  at  the  teacher,  but 
I  didn't  say  nothin'. 

"  It  was  ruther  onexpected,  perhaps,"  she  be- 
gun to  say. 

"  They  orter  know  who  made  'em  any  time  !  * 
says  I,  short's  pie-crust. 

"  Children,"  says  I  next,  can  you  repeat  the 
Ten  Commandments  ?  " 

This  time  they  didn't  try  to  answer  ;  they  jest 
looked  at  one  'nother  and  squirmed  round  and 
grinned. 

"  Perhaps  the  lady  will  kindly  repeat  'em  to 
you,"  says  the  teacher  very  perlite,  but  I  could 
see  that  she  thought  she'd  got  me." 

"I  didn't  come  here  to  teach,"  says  I,  "that's 
your  business.  I'm  simply  findin'out  what  these 
scholars  know  and  what  they  dont  know." 

Wall,  I  asked  'ern  a  number  o'  questions,  and 
they  couldn't  answer  one  on  'em  proper  ;  they 
couldn't  even  repeat  the  Ten  Commandments. 

"  There's  one  thing  we  can  do,"  says  I  when  I 
got  through  with  my  questions,  "  we  can  show 
'em  what  perliteness  fs,  can't  we,  children  ?  Now 
all  put  your  hands  behind  ye  and  make  your  man- 
ners— so"  says  I,  standin'  up  and  makin'  a  hanv 
some  bow.  "  I  \vant  you  to  do  it  all  together, 
unanymous,  and  then  turn  and  go  to  your  seats 
still's  mice,"  and  I  made  'em  do  it  ;  but  I  had  to 
work  a  while  fust.  They'd  never  done  it  before 
in  their  lives,  you  know. 

When  I  set  down  the  teacher  smiled,  and  says 


ADVENTURES  OF  A*   OLD  MAID.  97 

she,  "  You  ought  to  go  into  the  business, 
madam."  Now,  wasn't  it  real  nice  and  forgivin1 
in  her  to  say  that  after  I'd  took  her  down  so  ?  I 
think  she  must  have  had  an  oncommon  good  dis- 
position anyway. 

When  she'd  dismissed  the  school  and  we  was 
left  alone  I  shook  hands  with  her,  and  says  I, 
"  I'm  obleeged  to  ye  for  'lowin'  me  so  much 
liberty  with  your  scholars,  and  you  must  excuse 
me  if  I've  hurt  your  feelin's.  Don't  be  discour- 
aged ;  you're  young  and  you'll  improve.  Only 
give  the  Ten  Commandments  and  a  few  other 
things  a  leetle  more  prominence  and  pay  more 
'tention  to  order — you  do  lack  order — that's  your 
great  failin'.  Why,  woman  alive  with  sech  bright, 
affectionate  children,  you  ought  to  be  able  to  keep 
per  feck  order." 

"  Madam,"  says  she,  straightenin'  up  a  little 
haughty,  "I  beg  leave  to  insist  that  my  scholars 
are  under  perfeck  control.  You  mistake  the 
freedom  of  our  system  for  disorder,  and  you  make 
a  great  mistake,  I  do  assure  you." 

"  You  can  assure  me  ail  you  want  to,"  says  I, 
"  but  you  can't  deny  that  them  children  have 
acted  like  Sam  Hide  this  forenoon,  now  can  ye  ? " 
says  I. 

"  I've  no  acquaintance  with  the  boy  you  men- 
tion," says  she,  "  but  one  thing  is  sartin,  these 
same  scholars  that  you  find  so  bright  and  wide- 
awake to-day  would  appear  only  ordinary  under 
the  restrictions  of  the  old  method." 

Sofrony  she'd  been  nudgin'  me  and  makin' 
signs  to  me  to  come  along  for  some  time,  so  now 
I  says, 


98  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

"  Wall,  wall,  never  mind.  Let's  shake  hands 
agin  and  part  friends,  and  good  day  to  you." 

She  said  "  Good  day  "  as  pleasant  as  could  be, 
and  we  come  away. 

"  Sofrony,"  says  I  as  soon  as  we  was  out  o' 
hearin',  them  be  the  smartest  set  o'  boys  and  girls 
I  'bout  ever  come  acrost,  that's  a  fact.  I  wa'n't 
a  goin'  to  give  in  to  her,  ye  know,  but  between 
you  'n  me,  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  their  new  method 
was  a  pretty  good  one  after  all,  only  they  had 
ought  to  learn  'em  the  Ten  Commandments  ;  I'll 
stick  to  that." 

"  Stick  to  it  then  all  you  want  to,"  snapped 
Sofrony,  "  but  for  my  part  I'm  all  wore  out,  and 
I  wish  to  massy  I  hadn't  a  gone  !  Do  kt's  hurry 
home  and  git  a  good  cup  o'  tea  ! " 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  99 


SHE  GOES  TO  THE   DENTIST. 

I  can't  say  I  like  these  ere  modern  improve- 
ments  in  dentistry.  Years  ago,  old  Doctor 
Dwight  did  some  work  on  my  teeth,  and  I  .re- 
member I  felt,  when  he  got  through,  as  if  it  had 
,-been  kind  of  a  mutual  thing,  and  he'd  suffered 
a'most  as  much  as  I  had  myself. 

He  pulled  out  one  tooth  and  filled  another, 
and — wall,  the  fillin'  didn't  hurt  much  ;  only  the 
scrapin'  and  borin'  ruther  tried  my  narves.  But 
on  the  whole,  't  want  a  great  sight  wuss  than 
cleanin'  up  a  kittle  that  plum  sass  or  hasty  pud- 
din'  has  burnt  onto.  But  the  pulliri,  that  was  a 
different  thing !  I  hild  on  to  the  chair  with  all 
my  might  and  main,  and  the  old  doctor  he  hild  on 
to  the  tooth,  and  when  he  give  the  final  jerk,  as 
you  might  call  it,  it  was  a  wonder  he  didn't  hist 
me  and  the  chair  and  all  clean  up  through  the 
sky  light  !  He  would  if  the  chair  hadn't  been 
fastened  down  pretty  strong. 

I  remember  I  give  one  groan,  enough  to  wake 
the  dead,  and  there  stood  the  old  doctor  a 
sweatin'  and  puffin',  but  holdin'  up  my  tooth  in 
triump !  Then  he  and  me,  we  congratulated 
one  'nother,  and  I  went  away  feelin'  that  we  was 
friends  and  feller  bein's. 

That's  a  good  many  years  ago,  ae  I  said,  but 
the  other  day  I  had  'casion  to  go  to  the  dentist's 
agin,  and  as  Doctor  Dwight  is  dead,  I  went  to  his 


I  GO  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

successor,  naterally.  The  new  dentist  is  a  harn« 
some,  smart  lookin'  young  feller,  as  one  could 
wish  to  see,  and  he  'come  out  o'  his  little  room, 
smilin'  and  hummin'  a  tune.  His  shirtbosom  and 
wris'buns  was  as  white  as  snow,  and  he  looked 
spick  and  span  all  over.  He  was  a  master  nice, 
clean  lookin'  feller,  and  I  took  tew  him  to  once. 

Wall,  he  said  how't  he  could  tend  right  tew 
me,  so  I  laid  off  my  bunnit  and  werrt  in  and  set 
down  in  his  big  chair,  and  watched  him  while  he 
was  gittin'  ready  for  me.  He  was  goin'  to  dew 
the  fillin'  fust,  he  said  ;  so  he  went  round  from 
one  drawer  to  another,  collectin'  his  things  to- 
gether. Fust  he  brought  out  a  great  tray  kiv- 
ered  with  little  steel  instruments  that  looked  jest 
like  croshay  hooks,  of  different  sizes  ;  then  a  little 
box  o'  gold  leaf  and  a  thin  sheet  of  injy  rubber. 

He  hummed  away  at  his  tune  all  the  time,  and 
seemed  as  happy  as  if  he  was  gittin'  ready  to  go 
and  see  his  girl.  I  told  him  so,  and  he  laughed 
but  didn't  say  nothin',  and  I  wondered  whuther  or 
no  he  was  a  married  man. 

When  he'd  got  all  his  tools  and  things  laid  out 
handy  he  brought  along  a  couple  of  nice,  clean, 
white  napkins  and  laid  'em  in  my  lap. 

"  Oh  la,  now,  you  take  them  away,  and  I'll  use 
my  handkerchif,"  says  I, — "  save  jest  so  much 
washin'  ye  know." 

"  Oh,"  says  he,  smilin,'  "  that's  no  consequence ; 
my  wife  does  her  own  washin'." 

So  he  was  married,  and  he  didn't  care  how  hard 
his  wife  worked,  nuther  ! 

Wall,  the  next  thing  he  did  was  to  shove  a 
curis  lookin'  machine  up  alongside  o'  my  chair, 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  IOI 

and  after  examinin'  my  teeth  a  minnit  he  act  civ- 
ally  put  the  little  end  o'  that  machine  into  my 
mouth  and  workin'  it  with  one  foot,  begun  to 
drill  away  at  my  tooth  as  if  I'd  been  a  stun  or  a 
statu' ! 

As  quick  as  it  begun  to  grind  and  buz,  I 
twitched  his  hand  away,  machine  and  all,  and 
says  I, 

"  Look  a'  here,  young  man,  I  ain't  use'ter  bein' 
run  by  machinery,  and  I  want  to  inquire  into  this 
a  little.  How  does  your  machine  know  when  to 
stop,  and  so  on  ?  What's  to  hender  it's  goin'  clear 
through  me,  as  you  might  say  ?" 

He  smiled  as  innercent  as  a  baby,  and  says  he, 
"  Oh,  I'll  look  out  for  it ;  it  shan't  do  any  harm,  I 
promise  you  !" 

Then  he  went  on  to  explain  how  it  was  the 
greatest  invention  of  the  age.  Said  "  all  the 
Icadin'  dentists  in  the  country  used  'em,"  and  so 
forth. 

"  If  that's  the  case,"  I  says  "go  ahead.  I'll  try 
to  be  accommodatin',  but  you  must  leave  off 
singin'  and  tend  right  to  your  machine  every  min- 
nit, and  I  do  hope  you'll  bear  in  mind  that  it's  a 
human  cretur,  and  not  a  stun,  that  you're  a  drillin' 
of." 

He  promised  he  would  and  in  a  few  minnits  he 
had  my  tooth  ready  to  fill.  Then  come  some- 
thin'  wust  of  all  yit.  He  picks  up  that  little 
square  sheet  of  injy  rubber,  claps  it  inter  my 
mouth  quick's  a  wink,  and  stretches  it  over  my 
lower  jaw  somehow,  so  that  only  the  tooth  he 
was  workin'  on,  stuck  through,  and  fastens  it  down 
with  a  sort  of  clamp. 


IO2  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

At  fust  I  couldn't  breathe  nor  swaller — much 
less  speak — but  I  managed  to  let  him  know  by 
signs  and  fistin'  what  I  thought  on't,  and  he  be- 
gun to  explain  agin. 

"  It's  all  right,  I  assure  you,  madam,"  says  he, 
very  perlite,  "and  you  won't  be  inconvenyenced 
after  you  git  a  little  'customed  to  it." 

"  Customed  to  it !"  thinks  I  to  myself,  "  I  shall 
die  fust !"  and  I  should  a'  gone  into  histericks, 
but  I  couldn't  laugh  with  that  thing  in  my  mouth, 
so  I  tried  to  carm  down  and  think  I  could  stan' 
it  if  other  folks  could.  But  I  never  suffered  so 
much  in  the  hull  course  o'  my  life  ;  and  I  can't 
say  I  was  in  actewal  pain  nuther  !  The  fact  was, 
I  was  mad /  I  wa'n't  willin'  to  be  run  by 
machinery,  as  I  said  afore,  nor  to  have  my  mouth 
filled  up  with  injy  rubber  or  any  pizen  thing  he 
see  fit  to  stuff  in  !  But  after  all,  I  blamed  sience 
the  most.  What  bizness  had  sience  to  go  and 
invent  sech  disagreeable,  disrespeckful  ways  o' 
doin'  things ! 

Wall,  that  young  man  worked  away  half  an 
hour  as  if  he  enjoyed  every  minnit  of  it,  if  I 
didn't,  and  I  tried  to  be  patient,  knowin'  it 
couldn't  last  forever.  I  was  beginning'  to  git  into 
quite  a  resigned  and  comfortable  frame  o'  mind, 
when  all  to  once  he  stops  work  and  pricks  up  his 
ears  to  listen. 

Sure  enough,  there  was  a  hand  orgin  out  in 
the  street,  an  oncommon  good  one,  too,  and  it 
was  playin'  a  tune  from  the  opery  of  "  Patience." 

"  How  'propriate,"  thinks  I  to  myself,  "that's 
jest  what  I'm  in  need  of — -patience'' 

Then,  what  does  that  dentist  do  but  drop  his 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  IO3 

croshay  hook  and  pick  up  his  hat  in  a  hum*. 
"  Excuse  me  one  moment,  madam,"  he  says  to 
me,  "and  don't  you  on  any  account  move  your 
head  or  stir  while  I'm  gone;  I'll  be  right  back." 
Upon  that,  he  runs  down  stairs  and  leaves  me  a 
settin'  there  with  my  mouth  propped  wide  open, 
wonderin'  what  had  struck  him  all  of  a  sudden. 

Wall,  I  waited  five  minnits  by  the  clock  and 
he  didn't  come  back.  I  begun  to  feel  worried 
about  him  ;  thought  p'raps  he'd  fell  in  a  fit,  or 
broke  his  neck  or  somethin'.  But  bimeby,  I  left 
off  worryin'  about  him  and  began  to  think  ex- 
cloosively  of  myself!  Oh,  how  tired  I  was  !  My 
neck  ached  and  my  jaws  ached,  and  I  was  in 
cramps  and  pains  all  over  !  I  didn't  dare  to  move 
much,  for  I  didn't  know  what  mischif  it  might  do, 
ye  know ;  but  I  did  move  a  little  mite,  and  then  I 
set  and  waited  fifteen  minnits  or  so  more,  till  I 
couldn't  stan'  it  no  longer.  Then  I  kicked  over 
his  old  drillin'  machine  and  the  tray  of  croshay 
hooks,  and  got  up  and  looked  out  o'  the  winder. 

As  true  as  I'm  a  livin'  woman,  there  stood  that 
dentist  on  the  sidewalk  smokin'  a  cigar  and 
watchin'  a  performin'  bear  !  The  hand  orgin  was 
still  playin'  lively,  and  there  was  quite  a  crowd  o' 
men  and  boys  gethered  round,  but  there  wa'n't 
one  o'  the  lot  enjoyin'  himself  so  much  as  my 
dentist  ! 

Oh,  I  was  ravin',  teariri  mad  !  I'd  a  gin  a  dol- 
lar bill  in  a  minnit  to  been  able  to  speak  to  him, 
but  I  couldn't  ye  know,  on  account  o'  the  injy 
rubber,  so  I  took  my  sun-shade  and  pounded  on 
the  winder  like  all  possesst. 

When   he  turned  and  see  me,  he  bust  out   a 


IO4  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

laughin'  !    I  s'pose  I  did  look  redickerlous  enough 
but  wan't  it  aggravatin' ! 

As  quick  as  he  come  in  I  pulled  at  the  old  injy 
rubber  and  tore  round,  till  he  see  it  had  got  to 
come  out  to  once.  My  face  was  hot  as  fire,  and 
I  guess  he  suspicioned  he'd  ketch  it  whenever  I 
could  speak,  for  he  was  the  longest  while  gettin1 
on't  out  o'  my  mouth — tellin'  me  all  the  time  in 
that  smooth  way  o'  his'n  how  sorry  he  was  and 
so  on. 

"  Madam, "says  he,  kinder  mournful  like,  "I've 
been  subjeck  to  sech  fits  of  abstrackshun  for  a 
number  o'  years,  and  my  wife  she's  beginnin'  to 
feel  worried  about  me." 

I  told  him  I  should  think  she  would,  and  ad- 
vised him  as  a  friend  to  take  somethin'  for  'em 
right  off,  or  they  might  git  him  into  trouble,  and 
he  promised  me  he'd  do  so.  He  urged  me  to 
stop  and  have  the  job  finished. 

"  Why,"  says  he,  "  I'll  willingly  dew  it  for 
nothin'  ruther'n  have  you  go  off  so." 

"  Young  man,"  says  I,  "  I'm  'bleeged  to  ye,  but 
if  you'd  pull  out  every  tooth  in  my  head  for 
nothin',  I  wouldn't  stay  five  minnits  longer.  I'm 
all  wore  out,  and  the  sooner  I  git  home  the 
better." 

That  was  all  I  said.  I  hadn't  the  heart  to  scold 
him  after  I  heerd  about  them  Jits.  "Poor  crc- 
tur,"  thinks  I  to  myself,  "  I  don't  wonder  your 
wife  feels  worried  about  ye." 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  10$ 


THE  SCHOOL  OF  PHILOSOPHY. 

Cousin  Tripheny  she  went  down  to  old  Con. 
cord,  this  summer,  and  'tended  the  School  o' 
Filosofy ;  so  when  she  come  back  she  was 
chuck  full  on't.  Between  you'n  me  I  don't 
believe  she  had  much  idee  of  what  it  all 
meant,  but  she  thought  it  was  a  great  thing,  any 
way,  and  she  talked  so  much  about  it  to  the 
sewin'  circle  and  the  litterary  meetin's  that  she 
created  quite  a  fury,  and  bimeby  nothin'  would 
dew  but  we  must  have  a  Wimmins  School  o' 
Filosfy  there  in  Craney  Holler.  So  one  afternoon 
Tripheny  and  Mis'  Giddins  they  come  down  to 
my  house  together  to  talk  it  over  with  me  ;  they 
wanted  me  to  jine  ;  in  fact,  they  invited  me  to  be 
the  " deen"  or  deeness,  same's  Perfessor  Harris 
was,  you  know. 

"  All  these  things  have  a  head"  says  Tripheny, 
"and  to  my  mind,  you,  Ruth  Ann,  are  peremi- 
nently  suited  to  fill  that  high  posishion." 

"  I  declare  I'm  obleeged  to  ye,"  says  I  (for  I 
did  'preciate  the  honor  and  no  mistake),  "  but  I 
don't  feel  as  if  I  was  fit.  I'm  free  to  confess  that  I 
don't  know  nothin'  about  the  things  they  discussed 
on  to  them  meetin's  this  summer  more'n  the  cat 
does.  I  tried  faithful  to  read  some  o'  th«  lecturs  re^ 
ported  in  the  newspapers,  but  I  had  to  give  'em  up. 
I  think's  like  enough  they  was  too  deep  for  me; 


IO6  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

but  I  wouldn't  be  afraid  to  ventur'  my  repertation 
as  a  sensible  woman,  that  there  wa'n't  one  single 
practical  idee  to  the  bottom  on  'em  !  And 
what's  the  use  o'  breakin'  your  neck  to  go  so 
awful  deep,  when  there  aint  nothin'  wuth  go  in"' 
after !" 

6<  Oh,  wall,"  says  Tripheny,  sniffin'  and  fidgetin' 
round  in  her  chair,  "if  you  feel  that  way,  we 
can't  do  anything  with  you,  of  course,  but  I'm 
real  disappinted.  Ruth  Ann,  I  am  disappinted  !" 

She  looked  so  sorter  took  down  and  reproach- 
ful that  I  felt  bad  for  her.  So  after  thinkin'  a 
minnit — "See here,"  says  I,  "if  you'll  le'mme  se- 
leck  some  of  your  subjecks  I  dunno'  but  what  I'll 
consent  to  sarve,  and  be  your  what-ye-may-call-it 
• — Deeness — is  it  ?" 

Upon  that  they  both  brightened  up.  "Agreed, 
of  course,"  they  says ;  "  now  lets  perceed  to 
business." 

So  we  went  on  to  consider  who  should  belong 
to  it. 

Tripheny  said  it  was  best  to  invite  all  them  we 
wanted  to  have  jine,  so's  to  keep  out  "  the  rabble." 

"There  wa'n't  no  rabble  to  the  Concord 
School,  I  tellj^w/,"  says  she.  "And  furthermore 
there  can't  be  no  young  girls  ;  that  is,  no  good 
lookiri  ones.  There  wa'n't  a  single  decent  lookin' 
woman  in  the  hull  Concord  School !  /  was 
the  best  lookin'  one  o'  the  lot ;  and  you  know  I 
haint  got  no  beauty  to  brag  on,"  she  said, 
laughin'.  (She  is  mortal  homely.) 

"  If  that's  the  case,"  says  I,  "  p'raps  /  ain't 
homely  enough." 

"  Oh  la,  you'll  dew,"  says  Mis'  Giddins. 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  IO; 

"  Thafs  all  right/'  says  Tripheny. 

They  wa'n't  so  complimentary  as  they  might 
he,  but  I  didn't  care  for  that ;  I  had  an  objeck  in 
view. 

"  But  I  dunno,"  says  I,  hangin'  back  ;  "  I  ain't 
willin'  to  shet  out  the  young  and  harnsome ; 
they'd  orter  have  priveleges  same's  other  folks. 
My  idee  is,  that  harnsome  girls  is  naterally  jest 
as  bright  and  sensible  as  homely  ones.  The 
trouble  is,  we  set  sech  high  vally  on  beauty,  that 
we're  apt  to  think  nater  can't  afford  to  give  brains 
along  with  it,  and  so  don't  look  for  'em.  Better 
give  the  pretty  girls  a  chance,"  says  I. 

"  Dew  have  everything  your  own  way  then  !" 
snapped  Tripheny,  kinder  out  o'  patience.  Then 
she  laughed  and  shrugged  up  her  shoulders,  and 
says  she, 

"  After  all,  I  ain't  one  mite  af eared  any  harn- 
some girls  '11  want  to  jine — bein's  there  ain't  no 
men  folks  in  the  consarn." 

"That's  so,"  says  Mis'  Giddins. 

Wall,  we  went  ahead  and  orginized,  and  the 
upshot  on't  was,  that  we  held  our  fust  meetin'  the 
next  Tuesday  everiin'  in  the  old  yeller  school- 
house  at  the  middle  o'  the  town. 

As  Tripheny  was  the  founder  of  the  school 
she  picked  out  the  fust  subjeck  and  handed  it 
round  aforehand,  so's'  all  the  members  might 
be  perpared.  Her  subjeck  was  "Molecules" 
When  I  heard  it  I  says,  "Molecules!  for  the 
land's  sake,  what  be  them  ?  Some  kind  o'  ani- 
mals I  s'pose ;  but  who  knows  anything  about 
'em  ?" 

"  You're  mistakened  ;  they  ain't  animals,"  says 


IO8  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD   MAID. 

Tripheny,  shettin'  her  lips  together,  and  lookiri 
awful  knovvin'. 

"  I  dew  hope  and  trust,  Tripheny,"  says  I,  "  that 
you've  chose  a  good  moral  subjeck."  (To  tell  the 
truth,  I  hain't  no  great  opinion  of  Tripheny's 
judgment.) 

She  tossed  up  her  head  a  good  mind  to  be  mad, 
and  says  she, 

"  It  was  one  o'  the  fust  Coneord  subjecks,  any- 
way ;  and  I  guess  what's  good  enough  for  them 
orter  be  good  enough  for  us  /" 

"  All  right,"  says  I,  "  only  I'm  afraid  you'll 
have  to  dew  most  o'  the  talkin'  and  explatteratin' 
yourself.  Seem's  if  some  more  common  subjeck 
would  a'  been  better  for  the  fust." 

"No  sech  thing!"  she  says.  "Let  'em  study 
it  up.  It'll  dew  'em  good  to  use  their  brain,*  a 
little  !  They  can  all  go  to  the  dictionary,  arid 
there's  other  books.  Then,  some  on  'em  has  got 
college  edjicated  husbands  ;  they  orter  know  some- 
thin'  about  molecules,"  says  she. 

Wall,  I  didn't  make  much  preperation  for  the 
meetin'  myself ;  it  wa'n't  necessary.  I  was  the 
deeness,  you  know,  and  my  main  business  was  to 
set  on  the  platform  and  keep  'em  in  order,  &c. 
I  wa'n't  obliged  to  diskuss  unless  I  wanted 
to. 

When  the  meetin'  was  fairly  throwed  open,  I 
called  on  the  Square's  wife  to  speak  fust,  and 
stated  that  afterwards  I  hoped  the  others  would 
all  feel  free  to  take  part  and  arger  and  diskuss 
promisc'ous. 

When  I  set  down,  the  Square's  wife  riz  up  and 
crossed  her  arms  over  her  stummuck,  awful  im- 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD   MAID.  lOQ 

posin'  and  dignerfied,  and  begun  jest  as  she  al- 
vvers  does  to  the  prayer  meetins  ! 

"  My  dear  brutheren  and  sisters,  I  feel -"  but 

here  Tripheny  stopped  her  by  givin'  her  a  tre« 
menjus  nudge. 

"  Molecules  /  molecules  /  "  whispered  Tripheny, 
to  remind  her  where  she  was  and  what  a  dewin'. 

The  Square's  wife  looked  at  her  savage  as  a 
meat  ax,  and  begun  agin  jest  as  she  did  afore, 
exackly. 

"  My  dear  brutheren  and  sisters,  I  feel  as  if 
the  subjeck  afore  us  this  evenin'  was  a  Very  mo* 
mentuous  one — very" 

Tripheny  drawed  in  a  long  breth,  and  every- 
body leaned  forrard  and  listened. 

"  I've  give  this  subjeck  all  the  attention  that 
my  multiflorious  dooties  would  allow,  and  I  con- 
fess I  find  it  a  deep  one — an  awful  deep  one." 

As  nigh  as  I  can  make  out,  molecules  is  minuti- 
cal  small ;  smaller  than  a  grain  o'  sand  or  a  mote 
in  a  sunbeam,  and  a  muskeeter's  eye  is  big  'long 
side  o'  one  !  Fact  is,  you  can't  see  a  molecule, 
nor  begin  ter,  not  with  the  naked  eye." 

Here  she  stopped  a  minnit  to  take  a  pinch  o' 
snuff,  and  Mis'  Deacon  Jones  broke  in  : 

"  If  that's  the  case,"  said  she,  sniffin'  up  her 
nose  contemptewous,  "  I  shouldn't  consider  'em 
wuth  mentionin'.  Any  thing  you  can't  see  at  all 
with  the  naked  eye  must  be  pooty  small  pertaters. 
There's  plenty  o'  bigger  things  to  talk  about ; 
why  not  take  an  animal  with  some  size  tew  it  ? " 

The  Square's  wife  give  her  a  witherin'  look. 
"  It's  plain  to  be  seen,"  says  she,  "  that  you  are 
mournfully  ignorant  of  the  hull  subjeck.  There- 


HO  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

fore  and  consequentially  you  undervally  it.  But 
small  things  ain't  to  be  despised  by  no  manner  o 
means.  Have  you  forgot  how  St.  Paul  says, 
'  Take  care  d  the  minutes  and  the  hours  will 
take  care  d  themselves  '  ?  and  agin  the  butiful 
poim  chat  begins,  '  Little  drops  of  water '  ? 
More  'n  all,  have  you  forgot  (though  it's  doubt- 
ful if  you  ever  knew)  the  proverb,  '  Many  a  little 
makes  a  mickle,'  which  is  Latting  for  much ! 
That's  it  r  Many  molecules  make  a  big  thing. 
Besides,  and  moreover,  molecules  is  in  every- 
thing." 

She  stopped  to  take  another  pinch  o'  snuff  (she's 
an  awful  snuff-taker),  and  Tripheny  thinkin' 
she'd  said  'bout  enough  picks  it  up  and  goes 
on. 

"  There's  one  very  sollum  thought  occurs  to 
my  mind  in  connection  with  this  subjeck,"  says 
she,  "  and  that  is  that  the  soul  o'  man,  as  many 
believe,  was  originally  a  mcHecule — a  mere 
speritooal  atom  as  it  were — and  now  see  the  grand 
thing  it  has  growed  to  be  ! " 

"  Hum  !"  says  Mis'  Deacon  Jones,  "  that's  easy 
enough  to  believe ;  some  on  'em  hain't  growed  a 
bit  to  this  day  !  But  when  you  undertake  to  tell 
me  that  them  ere  molecules  is  in  everything,  I 
can't  swaller  it,  and  whafs  more,  I  wont /  "  says 
she,  gittin'  excited. 

I  rapped  on  the  table,  and  says  very  firm,  "  Let 
us  obsarve  becomin'  order  and  dignerty  in  this 
'ere  school,  ladies." 

"Wall,"  says  the  deacon's  wife,  carmin'  down 
a  grain,  "  I  should  like  to  ask  the  Square's  wife 
one  question." 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  l\\ 

f 

"  Sartingly,"  says  the  Square's  wife  dretful  coi> 
descendin' ;  "  as  many  as  you  please." 

"  Do  you  mean  to  tell  me,  then,  that  there's 
moelcules  in  my  currant  jell  that  I  had  ter  bile 
three  mortal  hours  by  the  cloek  (for  the  currants 
was  too  ripe,  and  it  wouldn't  jell  a  minnit  sooner)  ? 
I  s'pose  now  that  there  jell  is  full  o'  them  cret- 
urs,  alive  and  kickin'  ?"  says  she,  sarcastic.  "  I 
s'pose  no  amount  o'  bilin'  would  kill  'em  ?  " 

"  Ondoubtedly,"  says  the  Square's  wife,  "  for 
'cordin  to  science  they're  alwers  in  motion, 
and  if  they  was  biled  dead,  how  could  they 
move  ?  You  cant  kill  'em"  So  sayin'  she 
looked  round  in  triump. 

"  Wall,  then,"  says  the  deacon's  wife,  most  a 
cryin'  "all  I've  got  to  say  is  that  they're  horrid 
pesky  creturs,  and  no  credit  to  science  nor  Pro- 
vidence nuther  ! " 

That  remark  did  sound  kind  o'  unchristian  for 
a  deacon's  wife  to  make,  didn't  it  ?  We  was  all 
shocked,  and  Tripheny  jumped  up  in  a  hurry 
and  says  she  : 

"  Massy  sakes  alive  !  you  don't  think  mole- 
cules is  real  animals,  dew  ye  ?  Why,  don't  the 
dictionary  say  distinckly  that  they're  particles  o' 
matter,  and  they  haint  no  signs  of  life  about  Yin, 
only  they  have  motion,  that's  all !  'T wouldn't 
hurt  ye  if  you  should  swaller  a  mote  from  a  sun- 
beam, would  it  ?  Wall,  molecules  is  jest  the 
same,  only  smaller." 

"  Oh,  la,  now,  I  dew  feel  relieved  !"  says  Mis' 
Jones.  "  I  s'posed  they  was  somethin'  like  em- 
mets, and  emmets  I  hate  wuss'n  pizen  ?  But 
some  folks"  with  a  meanin'  nod  towards  the 


112  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Square's  wife,  "  orter  know  a  leetle  grain  more 
before  they  undertake  to  instruck  their  nabors." 

The  Square's  wife  she  never  took  no  notice ; 
she  just  set  down  and  pulled  out  her  knittin'  and 
went  to  work. 

There  wan't  many  more  speakers,  and  when 
they  got  done  we  wound  up  with  a  kind  of  so- 
ciable pow-wow,  and  everybody  got  to  feelin' 
pleasant  and  happy  as  could  be. 

When  the  clock  struck  nine  I  riz  up  and 
pounded  on  the  table. 

"  Ladies  o'  the  Craney  Holler  School  o'  Fil- 
osophy,"  says  I  :  "The  subjeck  to  be  discussed  at 
our  next  session  is  one  of  an  altogether  different 
natur'  from  that  we  have  considered  to-night ;  to 
Ivit,  namely — '  Wimmiris  Extravagance :  and  be 
the  Men  to  Blame  for't  ? ' '  They  all  seemed  to 
think  favorable,  for  they  clapped  their  hands  and 
looked  dretful  pleased. 

Th«n  we  ajourned. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  113 


THE  DEACON'S  WIFE  SPEAKS. 

At  the  close  of  the  fust  meetin'  of  the  "  Wim- 
min's School  o'  Filosofy,"  you'll  remember  that  I 
'nounced  the  next  subjeck  as  "  Wimmin's  Ex- 
travagance ;  and  wherein  be  the  men  to  blame 
fort  ?" 

Wall,  the  deacon's  wife  she  come  right  down 
the  next  day  to  see  me  and  talk  it  over.  She 
was  'mazin'  exercised  about  it. 

"  Ruth  Ann, '  says  she  to  me,  shakin'  her  head 
dubious,  "  I'm  awful  'fraid  this  ere  school  of 
ourn  is  goin'  to  make  a  rumpus  twixt  us  and  the 
men-folks,  ain't  you  ?  Specially  if  we  go  to 
layin'  blame  onto  'em  for  any  of  our  doin's, 
they'll  feel  dretful  crossgrained  and  hard  agin  us, 
and  massy  knows  'tain't  any  tew  easy  to  git  along 
with  some  on  'em  now.  I,  for  one,  don't  say  for 
dewin'  anything  to  stir  'em  up  and  git  'em  mad. 
The  deacon  don't  'prove  o'  this  school  no  way. 
He's  been  pickin'  out  chapters  for  family  devo- 
tions this  fortnight  all  bearin'  on  female  submis- 
sion, and  so  on.  This  mornin'  I  spunked  up  and 
told  him  I  didn't  think  the  'postle  Paul's  opinion 
o'  wimmin's  duty  amounted  to  shucks. 

"  What  does  an  old  bachelder  know  'bout  wim- 
min  ?"  says  I. 

"  '  And  what  does  a  pack  of  old  maids  know 
'bout  men/'  says  he,  firm' up.  "  Wan't  that  real 
mean,  Ruth  Ann  ?" 


114  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

I  laughed.  "Mis'  Jones,"  says  I,  "you  might 
a  told  him  that  we  know  all  we  wanter  know 
'bout  men,  unless  it's  better !  But  we  needn't 
fret ;  our  school  ain't  a  wimmin's  rights  consarn 
by  no  manner  o'  means,  and  you  can  explain  to 
him,  that  we  should  a'  invited  the  men  to  jine, 
only  we  felt  kinder  modest  ;  thought  we  could  do 
better  by  ourselves  ;  same's  female  prayer  meetin', 
you  know.  How  could  we  git  up  and  say  any- 
thing in  the  presence  of  our  sooperiors?" 
says  I. 

"  Oh  now  you're  makin'  fun  o'  the  men  !"  says 
the  deacon's  wife,  laughin',  "  and  I  don't  blame 
you.  They're  a  consaited,  pigheaded  lot  !  and  I 
will  say  it,  if  /  be  a  married  woman  !"  says  she, 
lookin'  over  her  shoulder  to  make  sure  the  deacon 
wa'n't  nowheres  round. 

"  There's  lots  o'  good  men  in  the  world," 
says  I,  carm  and  candid. 

"  Oh,  the  deacon's ^y^enough,  for  that  matter, 
but  I'd  ruther  he'd  be  a  little  more  agreeable,  if 
he  wa'n't  so  awful  good  !" 

"  That's  a  little  mite  hard  on  the  deacon,"  says 
I,  laughin'. 

"  I  don't  care  if 'tis  !"  she  snapped.  "It's  the 
truth,  any  way  !"  Then  she  went  on  with  her 
knittin'  and  seemed  to  feel  better. 

"  This  subjeck  you've  picked  out  is  a  fustrate 
one,"  she  resoomed  bimeby  ;  "  but  there's  a  good 
many  ways  o'  lookin'  at  it,  I  guess." 

"'Yes,"  says  I  ;  "extravagance  is  a  word  that's 
been  misapplied  and  'bused  about  as  much  as  any 
Word  in  the  English  language.  Mean,  stingy 
folks  call  that  extravagant  that  ain't  only  jest 


ADVEN1URES  OF  AJ\r  OLD  MAID.  115 

comfortable  ;  and  then  agin  what's  extravagant 
for  the  poor  to  do,  ain't  only  jest  right  and  proper 
for  rich  folks;  don't  you  see?" 

"  Yes,  I  dew,"  says  the  deacon's  wife,  "and  that's 
what  riles  me  so  when  the  deacon  insists  on  viv 
skimpin'  and  pinchin'  as  a  dooty.  If  we  wan't 
well  off,  with  money  in  the  bank,  I  wouldn't  say 
a  word.  But  Ruth  Ann,  I  tell  you — I  wouldn't 
dars  to  say  it  to  everybody — the  way  that  man 
contrives  to  save  does  beat  all ! 

"  Sometimes  his  notions  is  laughable  !  The  hat 
he  wore  when  we  was  married,  and  for  a  good 
many  years  afterwards  too,  is  up  in  the  garret 
'long  with  other  old  things  that's  laid  there  this 
thirty  year,  for  he  never  'lows  me  to  give  a  thing 
away  ;  says  everything  comes  in  course  some  time. 
But  this  hat  is  a  white  stovepipe — jest  sech  a 
hat  as  Yankee  Jonathan  always  wears  in  Mister 
Nast's  picters.  I  spose  it  looked  all  right  in  the 
day  on't — but  noiv — oh,  dear  ! 

"  Wall,  every  spring  in  house  cleanin' time, when 
I'm  up  garret  puttin'  things  to  rights  up  lie 
comes  reg'lar,  to  make  sure  all  his  old  sculch  is 
safe  !  His  stove  funnels  and  cracked  cider  jugs, 
and  old  cart  wheels — oh,  and  I'd  o'rter  mentioned 
long  with  the  hat,  a  black  silk  vest  with  picters  of 
George  Washin'ton  all  over  it.  It  used  to  be  his 
uncle's,  and  he  left  it  there  when  he  died  ;  it's  all 
ragged  now,  a  sight  to  see. 

"  Wall,  year  after  year,  as  sure  as  the  spring  and 
house  cleanin'  comes  round,  the  deacon  follers  me 
up  garret,  and  the  fust  thing  he  spies  out  is  gin- 
erally  the  old  hat.  He  picks  it  up,  puts  it  on  his 
head  and  turns  to  me  and  says,  very  severe : 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAW. 

11 '  Betsey,  what's  the  matter  with  this  ere  hat  f 
Why  is  it  laid  one  side  ? ' 

"And  I  laugh  invariable  and  say,  'Why,  John 
Henry,  how  forgitful  you  be  !  don't  you  know 
that  'ere  was  your  weddin'  hat  ?  it's  been  up  here 
this  thirty  year. ' 

"  '  Is  that  so  ?'  says  he,  takin'  it  off  and  lookin' 
at  it.     '  But     I  don't     see    as  anything   ails    il 
good  enough  to  wear  to  ithe  barn  any  way.' 

"  So  he  puts  the  redickerlous  thing  on  his  head 
and  goes  on  rummagin'  round. 

"  Bimeby  he  comes  acrost  the  old  vest  hangin'  in 
a  corner,  takes  it  down,  looks  it  over  careful  and 
finally  puts  that  on  tew,  top  of  his  stri-ped  frock, 
and  comes  to  me  and  says  agin  severer  than  ever: 

'"I  tell  ye  now,  Betsey,  once  for  all,  we  can't 
afford  to  throw  away  good  clo'es,  and  I  wont 
have  it !  What's  the  matter  o'  this  ere  vest  ?' 

"  Then,  Ruth  Ann,  I  look  up  at  him  standin' 
there — you  know  how  fat  he  is,  and  what  a  fig- 
ger — with  that  short  waisted  rag  of  a  vest  but- 
toned acrost  his  stummuck,  and  his  stri-ped  frock 
hangin'  down,  his  blue  overhalls  tucked  into  his 
boots,  and  that  weddin'  hat  set  one  side  of  his 
head — and  I  jest  laugh,  and  screech,  and  holler, 
till  I'm  'bout  givn  out ;  and  the  deacon  gits  mad 
and  tarin',  and  like  enough  the  white  stovepipe 
rolls  off  on  to  the  floor,  or  the  valooable  vest 
splits  out  some\vheres,  and  that  tickles  me  all  the 
more  ! 

"  Then  the  deacon  sets  tew  and  lecturs  me,  and 
ginerally  winds  up  by  sayin': 

"  '  A  pooty  deacon's  wife  you  be  !  you've  got 
'bout  as  much  dignerty  as  a  four  year  old  colt !' 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  II? 

"But  I  can't  help  it,"  says  she  ;  "  it's  enough  to 
make  Lot's  wife  laugh,  after  she  was  turned  into 
the  pillar  of  salt  !" 

When  we  had  got  done  laughin'  the  deacon's 
wife  wiped  her  eyes  and  turned  to  me  real  serious. 
"  Ruth  Ann,"  she  says,  "  I  come  over  a'  purpose 
to  see  about  that  next  meetin'  of  ourn.  I  tell 
you  I  ain't  a-goin'  to  let  the  Square's  wife  set  down 
on  me  agin — and  don't  you  forgit  it  !  I  reckon 
I  know  as  much  about  this  subjeck  as  what  she 
does.  But  there,  I've  done  all  the  talkin'  so  fur, 
now  I'll  keep  still  and  give  you  a  chance." 

"  I  reckon,"  says  I,  "  that  a  good  many  folks  is 
accused  o'  bein'  extravagant  that  ain't  so  at  all. 
There's  them  Dodge  girls  on  the  hill  ;  you  know 
how  stylish  and  well  dressed  they  alwers  look, 
specially  Mariar,  the  oldest  one.  Wall,  she's 
harnsome  as  a  picter'  to  begin  with — got  one  o' 
them  nateral  pink  and  white  complexions  that'll 
wash  and  bile,  as  you  might  say,  and  a  figger  that 
don't  need  no  five  dollar  corsets  to  fetch  it  into 
shape,  and  whatever  she  puts  on  she  looks  dressed 
out  to  kill,  don't  she  ?  I've  heard  the  Square's 
Lizy  Jane  say  many  a  spiteful  thing  'bout  Mariar 
Dodge's  extravagance,  when  the  fact  is,  Mariar 
never  pertends  to  wear  anything  better'n  a  cash* 
meer  in  winter  or  a  pretty  muslin  in  summer. 

"  But  it  takes  silks  and  satings  and  all  creation  to 
rig  out  Lizy  Jane,  and  then  she  looks  more  like  a 
feather  bed  with  a  string  tied  round  the  middle 
than  anything  else.  Though  she  ain't  to  blame 
for  her  looks  as  I  know  on." 

"  No,"  says  the  deacon's  wife,  "only  its  a  pity 
she  can't  be  a  leetle  more  pleasant  in  her  ways,  to 


Il8  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

kinder  make  up  for  bein'  so  homely.  But  I've 
noticed,  that,  as  a  general  thing,  the  wuss  folks 
look,  the  more  disagreeable  they  act.  Now,  I 
never  see  a  hunchback  in  my  life,  that  wa'n't  as 
consaited  and  hateful  as  he  could  be." 

"  There  may  be  some  truth  in  that,"  says  I  ;  "  I've 
often  thought  so  myself.  But  let's  consider  the. 
last  part  of  our  subjeck, — '  wherein  be  the  men  to 
blame  ?' " 

"  Oh,  wall,"  says  the  deacon's  wife,  rollin'  up 
her  knittin'  and  gettin'  ready  to  go,  "  I  guess  per- 
haps we  married  wimmi't  hadn't  better  arger  that 
pint  much.  We'll  kinder  talk  round  it  and  lead 
iip  tew  it — as  it  were — and  then  you  and  Sera- 
phine  and  the  rest  o'  the  young  girls  can  take 
hold.  Not  that  I'm  afraid,  but,  as  I  said  afore, 
I  don't  want  to  create  no  hard  feelin's  among  the 
men." 

When  she  got  to  the  door,  though,  she  looked 
back,  and  says  she  : 

"  All  the  same,  Ruth  Ann,  if  the  Square's  wife 
happens  to  pitch  into  the  men  Tuesday  night,  / 
shall  foller  soot !  She  ain't  a-goin'  to  git  ahead 
o'  me  this  time,  not  if  the  deacon  sues  for  a  di- 
vorce the  very  next  mornin'  1" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  119 


MODERN  IMPROVEMENTS. 

Some  o'  these  ere  modern  improvements  don't 
amount  to  much,  'cordin'  to  my  way  o'  thinkin'. 
But  it  is  wonderful,  and  no  mistake,  how  many 
inventions  and  machines  there  is  now-days.  I 
think's  likely  the  time  is  comin'  when  machines 
'11  do  all  the  work  and  run  themselves!  And 
what  a  heaven  upon  'arth  that  will  be  for  lazy 
folks,  won't  it !  Haymakers  can  lay  on  the  grass 
then,  and  drink  molasses  and  water  all  the  time, 
and  hired  girls  can  look  out  o'  the  winder  and 
chew  gum  from  mornin'  till  night.  But  I'm 
kinder  old  fashioned,  and  these  new  fangled 
things  put  me  out  and  plague  me  enough  sight 
more  'n  they  help  me. 

I  don't  want  no  patent  coffy-pots  nor  meat- 
bakers  nor  steamers.  No,  nor  ile  stoves — scentin' 
up  the  house  andtakin'  away  your  appertite  before 
hand  ;  nor  gas  stoves,  to  be  bustin'  when  you 
least  expect.  Nothin'  o'  the  kind  for  me !  I 
couldn't  git  a  decent  meal  o'  vittles  with  'em  to 
save  my  life.  Them  that  wants  'em  can  have  'em 
for  all  me  !  But  I've  seen  a  good  many  articles  o' 
furnitoor,  easy  chairs  and  lounge-bedstids,  and  so 
on,  that  was  real  comfortable.  Then  agin,  there 
is  some  so-called  patent  comforts  that  is  tortures, 
and  the  men  that  invented  'em  orter  be  hung. 

When  I  was  in  Jersey  visitin'  my  nefew,  John 


I2O  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Longly,  he  had  jest  bought  out  a  patent  head-rest 
consarn,  and  he  was  all  carried  away  with  it. 
Thought  it  was  goin'  to  make  his  fortin'  in  no 
time.  It  was  a  contrivance  to  screw  on  to  the 
hack  of  a  chair,  or  any  kind  of  seat,  so's  you 
could  lean  back  somethin'  like  lyin'  down.  It  was 
specially  designed  for  folks  travellin'  in  the  cars. 

Wall,  I  found  out  after  I'd  been  with  'em  a 
while  that  Mary,  his  wife,  was  a  perfeck  marter 
to  that  machine.  She  told  me  as  much  herself. 
Said  whenever  they  went  to  any  public  place,  or 
rode  in  the  cars,  John  alwers  took  some  'o  the 
head-rests  along,  and  made  her  set  with  her  head 
screwed  into  one,  to  advertise  'em.  And  she  said 
it  was  awful,  the  pain  she  suffered.  But  she  didn't 
dars  to  complain,  for  fear  John  would  think  she 
didn't  take  no  interest. 

One  day  there  was  an  excursion  on  the  cars, 
ever  so  many  miles  out  into  the  country,  and  John 
invited  Mary  and  me  to  go.  I  was  pleased  with 
the  idee,  and  Mary  would  'a'  been,  only  for  dread- 
in'  the  head-rest. 

"Oh,  dear,  Ruth  Ann,"  says  she,  "I  thinks 
likely  he'll  put.  one  on  to  both  of  us !" 

"  Don't  worry !"  says  I,  shettin'  my  teeth  to- 
gether like  a  trap,  so  I  shouldn't  let  out  no  more. 

You  see  I'd  thought  the  thing  over,  and  I'd 
made  up  my  mind  to  larn  John  a  little  lesson  if 
I  had  a  chance. 

Well,  we  went  to  the  excursion.  We  enjoyed 
the  fust  part  o'  the  ride,  lookin'  out  o'  the  winder 
and  watchin'  the  folks  round  us  ;  a  queer  lot  they 
was.  You  know  all  sorts  ginerally  goes  to  excur- 
sions. There  was  one  family  right  in  front  of 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  121 

us  that  didn't  seem  to  be  makin'  a  pint  of  enjoyin' 
themselves,  whatever  else  they  was  doin'. 

It  was  a  woman  and* three  little  girls.  I  s'pose 
the  woman  was  their  mother,  but  no  old  maid 
ever  lived  that  was  half  so  fussy  as  what  she  was. 
She  wouldn't  let  them  children  wink  hardly.  It 
was  scold  and  fret  the  whole  durin'  time.  If  one 
on  'em  leaned  forrard  or  backards  a  mite  or  nes'led 
round,  or  stood  up,  it  was,  "  Don't,  Jane  Mariar  I 
don't,  Sary  Ellen  !  or  don't,  Car'line  Elizy  !"  I 
did  pity  the  poor  little  things ;  they  looked  as  if 
thev  didn't  dars  to  breathe  nateral. 

./ 

Finally,  the  woman  gives  the  littlest  one  (she 
vva'n't  much  more'n  a  baby)  a  smart  shakin',  and 
says  she,  "  Now,  Sary  Ellen,  if  you  don't  set 
down  and  keep  still,  you  shall  take  a  big  spunfut 
o  caster  He,  quick's  we  git  home  !"  Upon  that' 
the  poor  little  creatur'  crep'  into  a  corner  of  the 
seat,  and  began  to  whimper  pitiful. 

"  Caster  He!"  says  I  to  Mary.  "  If  that  don't 
beat  all  for  a  punishment !" 

"  I  never  looked  upon  \'\  as  much  else,"  says 
Mary,  laugh  in'. 

"  1  don't  care  ;  she's  an  onhuman  mother,  any 
way  !"  says  I,  and  I  was  jest  thinkin'  how  I'd  like 
to  make  her  swaller  a  whole  bottle  full,  when 
John  come  along  in  with  a  couple  o'  head-rests 
under  his  arm.  He'd  sold  a  number  in  the 
forrard  cars,  and  he  was  feelin'  pretty  well  over 
it. 

"  Ruth  Ann,  and  Mary,"  says  he,  "you  must 
be  gittin'  tired  ;  le'm  me  put  you  on  a  rest  ?  They 
tell  me,"  says  he,  awful  elated,  "  that  this  'ere  rest 
is  wuth  its  weight  in  gold  !  I  alwers  knew  there 


122  ADVENTURE*  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

was  money  in  it,  and  I  didn't  make  no  mistake, 
now  don't  you  forgit  it !" 

"Oh,  yes,"  says  I  to  John,  "I  should  admire 
to  have  one  on  !  They  must  be  a  dretful  com- 
fort." 

Mary,  she  stared  as  if  she  didn't  know  what 
under  the  sun  to  make  of  me,  but  she  didn't 
speak. 

He  put  mine  on  fust,  and  then  Mary's,  and 
givin'  us  some  directions  in  case  folks  wanted  to 
know  the  price  or  buy,  he  went  off  into  the 
smokin'  car. 

After  he'd  gone,  we  set  and  looked  at  one 
'nother  a  spell,  and  then  we  begun  to  squirm. 
"  Mary,"  says  I,  carm  and  candid,  "this  'ere  head- 
rest may  be  a  boon  to  a  hearty  man  with  narves 
of  steel  and  sinews  of  iron,  but  you'n'  me  hain't 
got  the  constitushion  for  it."  She  smiled  a  sickly 
smile,  and  that  was  all. 

Pretty  soon  I  begun  to  be  in  crampy  pains  all 
over,  specially  down  the  spine  o'  my  back.  I 
tried  to  move  a  grain,  but  in  doin'  so,  I  give  my 
neck  a  wrench  that  made  me  scream  right  out. 

"  Mary,"  says  I,  "  I  do  believe  I've  got  serrybro 
spinal-gctis" 

"Oh,  dear  !"  she  says,  "  I  hope  not.  How  do 
you  feel  ?" 

"  I  feel  as  if  I  should  fly  all  to  pieces !  That's 
how  I  feel !"  says  I,  savage  as  a  meat  ax. 

"  Oh,  hush  !  Dont  speak  so  loud.  Folks  '11 
hear,  and  then  they  wont  buy.  We  mustn't  spile 
the  sales  !  But,  oh  dear  me,"  she  went  on  in  a 
faint  whisper,  "  I  believe  it's  wuss'n  common 
to-day  J" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN   OLD  MAID.  12$ 

She  was  pale  as  death,  and  her  eyes  looked 
tumble  pitiful.  The  sight  of  her  seemed  to  be 
the  last  straw  with  me,  and  I  got  so  excited  that 
I  was  on  the  pint  o'  doin'  some  desperate  thing, 
when  I  looked  up,  and  there  was  John,  sarnterin' 
along  in  smilin',  pleasant  as  a  baskit  o'chips. 
And  I  remembered  my  little  plan. 

"  Hullo  !  How  do  you  like  it  ?"  says  he,  lookin' 
at  us  and  then  round  on  the  folks  in  the  car,  as 
much  as  to  say,  "  Ladies  and  gentlemen,  what 
luxury !" 

"  Oh,"  says  I,  bracin'  every  narve  in  my  body 
to  speak  common  and  ordinary,  "  it's  complete  ! 
I  shall  buy  some  to  take  home  with  me.  But  I 
Want  to  understand  all  about  'em  fust ;  how  they 
Work  and  everything.  You  jest  take  our'n  off 
now,  and  let  Mary  show  me  how  to  put  one  on 
you,  then  I  shall  understand." 

He  was  awful  pleased  to  find  me  so  took  with 
his  machine.  He  let  us  out,  and  settin'  down 
oppersite  to  us,  stretched  out  his  legs,  and  lay 
back  as  if  he  was  goin'  in  for  solid  comfort 
now. 

Mary  looked  dumfoundered,  but  she  showed 
me  how  to  screw  the  long  part  on  to  the  back  of 
the  seat,  and  how  to  fix  the  clamps,  one  on  each 
side  of  John's  head,  and  tighten  'em  up.  I  give 
'em  an  extra  turn  or  tew,  and  I'm  free  to  confess 
that  I  enjoyed  doin'  of  it. 

"  I  guess  you've  got  'em  screwed  up  a  lectle 
light"  says  John,  smilki'  gastly.  "Oh,  no,"  says 
I :  "  they're  jest  where  ourn  was,  and  ourn  was 
h*><iutiful  and  easy." 

He  set  for  a  minnit,  and  tried  to  look  carrn 


124  ADVENTURES  OF  AJV  OLD  MAID. 

and  comfortable,  but  finally  begun  to  move  round 
and  squirm  jest  as  we  did. 

"  I  guess,"  says  he,  "  that  I  must  have  it  took 
off  now.  I  should  love  dearly  to  set  with  ye  and 
rest  longer,  but  I  must  go — I  must  go  and  see  a 
man." 

"  Nonsense  !"  says  I,  "  set  still  and  enjoy  your- 
self ;  we  can't  spare  you  yet.  Besides,  folks  are 
all  lookin'  at  ye  and  thinkin'  how  comfortable 
you  look.  You'll  spile  your  sales  if  you  go  jest 
now."  He  mopped  his  face  with  his  hankerchif. 
"Wall,  then,"  says  he,  "you'll  have  to  loosen 
these  clamps  a  grain.  They  don't  seem  to  fit  my 
head  jest  right  somehow." 

"  Fit  your  head  !"  says  I.  "Why,  I  thought  they 
fitted  everybody's  head !  We  didn't  have  no 
trouble,  did  we,  Mary  ?" 

I  fumbled  round  and  pertended  to  loosen  'em, 
but  I  didn't ;  I  tightened  'em,  if  anything.  He 
was  ashamed  to  say  any  more,  but  he  looked 
savage. 

I  took  out  my  knittin'  and  set  down  side  of 
him,  and  begun  to  talk  careless  and  happy  as  a 
cricket.  I  joked  and  laughed  and  made  fun,  and 
didn't  take  a  mite  o'  notice  of  his  sufferin's. 

Mary,  she  begun  to  see  what  I  was  up  tew,  but 
she  didn't  hardly  dars  to  interfere.  She  was  most 
a  cryin'  ;  she  couldn't  bear  to  have  her  great 
strong  husband  suffer  what  she  had  herself.  1 
could  though,  for  I  knew  it  would  dew  him 
good. 

Bimeby  he  couldn't  set  still  a  single  minnit,  he 
was  in  sech  pain.  I  knew  jest  how  he  felt. 
"  Why,  John,"  says  I,  "  how  res'less  you  be  ;  keep 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID,  12$ 

still  now,  and  try  to  have  a  nap.  I  won't  talk  to 
you  no  more." 

But  jest  at  that  ere  pint  of  time  I  s'pose  he  give 
out,  for  he  threw  up  both  legs  and  arms,  give  his 
neck  a  twist  that  snapped  the  old  machine  into 
a  dozen  pieces,  and  streaked  it  out  o'  that  car,  so 
quick  that  you  couldn't  hardly  see  him. 

How  folks  stared.  "  Nightmare  !"  says  I,  real 
loud.  "  He's  dretful  subjeck  to  nightmare  when- 
ever he  falls  asleep.  Pity  to  spile  the  valuable 
head-rest,  wa'n't  it,  though  ?"  Then  I  stooped 
down  to  pick  up  the  pieces  and  most  died  a 
laughin'. 

I  had  a  letter  from  Mary  the  other  day,  and  she 
says  that  John  has  gone  out  o'  the  head-rest  busi- 
ness. 

Moril :  There's  nothin'  like  personal  experi- 
ence. 

I  guess  that  head-rest  was  a  humbug  sure 
enough,  and  everybody  found  it  out,  that  had  any- 
thing to  do  with  it,  but  of  course  there  is  inven- 
tions that  seem  to  be  real  blessin's  to  mankind. 

There's  one  that's  ginerally  considered  sech  that 
I'm  dead  set  aginst,  and  while  I'm  on  this  subjeck 
I'll  jest  give  it  a  little  hit.  I  refer  to  the  electrick 
light.  I  say  it  is  a  flantin',  darin',  blasfemous 
thing  !  A  slap  in  the  face  o'  natur',  as  you  might 
say  !  Gas  was  bad  enough,  but  it  didn't  put  out 
the  moon  and  stars,  and  make  all  the  lights  in 
God's  fundament  look  sick  and  silly ! 

I  think  it  becomes  human  natur'  to  be  kinder 
rev'rent  and  'umble,  seein'  we're  only  the  dust  of 
the  'arth,  and  I  tell  you  the  electrick  light  won't 
prosper ! 


126  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MATD. 

One  thing:  it  makes  everybody  look  like  dead 
folks,  and  I'm  glad  of  it !  Nobody  won't  have 
it  in  their  houses,  seein'  it  ain't  becomin' ! 

I  ain't  afraid  o'  the  electrick  light  though, 
wicked  as  it  is,  but  I  am  afraid  of  the  telefone  !  I ' 
don't  dars  to  use  it ;  never  'tempted  tew  but  once. 
That  was'  when  I  was  visitin'  to  brother  'Lonzo's. 
He  had  one  in  his  store  and  another  in  his  house, 
and  sister-in-law  Sarah  seemed  to  take  solid  com- 
fort talkin'  through  it.  It  was  right  in  the  front 
entry  fastened  up  aginst  the  wall,  and  I  declare  I 
used  to  hate  to  go  past  it  for  fear  it  would  speak 
or  dew  somethin'  tew  me. 

Sarah  she  tried  to  git  me  to  use  it ;  said  I 
wouldn't  feel  so  about  it  after  I'd  used  it  a  few 
times ;  but  I  didn't  git  up  my  courage  to  try,  till 
one  day  when  she  was  out,  I  thought  I'd  go  alone 
and  speak  through  it ;  then  if  anything  happened 
nobody'd  be  there  to  laugh  at  me. 

Wall,  I  took  the  trumpit  that  hangs  tied  on  to 
it,  and  put  it  up  to  my  ear,  and  pounded  down 
the  button  twice,  jest  as  I'd  seen  Sarah  dew, 
and  buzz,  buzz,  whir,  whir,  went  the  most  on- 
arthly  noise  you  ever  heard  ;  then  snap,  snap,  and 
crackle,  and  out  of  it  all,  a  terrible  voice  from  way 
off  some wheres  said,  "  /'//  call  for  you  to-night  / 
Be  ready!  " 

I  dropped  that  trumpit  and  flopped  down  into 
a  chair,  all  of  a  heap  !  There  Sarah  found  me, 
fainted  clean  away  !  I  told  her  about  the  noises 
and  the  words  that  was  spoke,  and  she  said  it  wa'n't 
nothin'  oncommon.  Somebody  else  was  talkin' 
on  the  same  line.  But  I  couldn't  get  fed  o'  the 
notion  that  it  was  the  evil  one  himself,  and  J 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  12? 

more'n  half  expected  he'd  be  round  after  me  that 
night,  to  carry  me  off  bodily,  but  he  didn't  come. 
I  guess  he  thought  a  good  scare  was  all  I  des- 
arved.  They  laughed  at  me  and  argered  with 
me,  but  I'd  got  enough,  and  I  haint  never  tarn* 
pered  with  a  telefone  from  that  day  to  this. 

I  must  tell  ye  howr  Deacon  Jones  got  fooled, 
when  I  wras  to  his  house  last  summer.  You  know 
the  deacon's  awful  savin',  and  he  hadn't  took  no 
newspaper  for  years ;  said  how  he  could  hear 
enough  o'  the  wicked  doin's  of  the  world  without 
payin'  money  to  read  about  'em. 

Wall,  he  went  over  to  Bangton  one  mornin'  to 
carry  some  butter  and  eggs,  and  buy  groceries 
and  one  thing  n'other  they  was  needin',  and  Mis' 
Jones  and  me  we  had  a  good  long  day  all  to  our- 
selves. 

Between  sundown  and  dark,  we  was  settin'  to- 
gether knittin'  and  talkin',  when  the  deacon  come 
in.  He  laid  his  bundles  down  on  the  table  with- 
out savin'  a  word.  He  alwers  invariable  used  to 
say,  "  There,  wife,  there's  your  groceries  ;  use  'em 
sparin',  use  'em  sparin'."  So  this  time  we  didn't 
know  what  to  make  on  him.  He  looked  oncom- 
mon  sober,  too. 

"  Father,"  says  Mis'  Jones,  "  what's  the  matter? 
Didn't  the  things  sell  well  ?" 

"  Yes,  the  things  sold  well  enough,"  says  he, 
"but  I  found  out  somethin'  down  to  Bangton 
that's  jest  about  upset  me." 

"  The  bank  haint  failed— 

"  No,  no  !  For  the  land  sake,  ain't  there  no 
troubles  in  this  world  but  money  troubles  !"  says 
the  deacon  real  snappish. 


128  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID, 

"Why,  yes,  of  course,"  says  Mis'  Jones,  "but 
dew  tell  us  what  is  the  matter !" 

Then  he  set  down  and  told  us.  "  You  know 
Widder  Grimes'  oldest  boy,  James,  has  been  to 
work  in  Barker's  grocery  store  for  more'n  a  year. 
You  remember  what  a  nice  boy  he's  alwers  been, — 
good  habits  and  all  that, — and  sence  his  father 
died  he's  the  main  stay  o'  the  family,  as  you  might 
say.  It  was  only  the  other  day  his  mother  was 
tellin'  me  'bout  him  ;  how  well  he  was  gettin' 
along,  and  how  Barker  meant  to  take  him  in  pard- 
ner  this  fall.  She  seemed  so  proud  and  happy 
over  it.  She's  jest  bound  up  in  that  boy !  But 
I'll  tell  ye  how  it  was.  After  I'd  done  my  arrants 
and  packed  all  the  bundles  away  under  the  buggy 
seat,  I  went  back  into  Barker's  store  and  set  down 
on  a  box  to  eat  a  bite  o'  lunch  and  rest  me  a 
minnit,  when  James  Grimes  come  in.  I  noticed 
he  looked  kinder  queer.  He  steered  straight  for 
the  back  end  o'  the  store,  and  leanin'  up  agin  the 
wall,  begun  to  go  through  with  the  silliest  lot  o' 
performances  I  ever  see.  If  he  hadn't  been 
more'n  six  year  old,  I  should  a  thought  he  was 
makin'  believe  at  some  kind  o'  child's  play  !  He 
pertended  to  be  talkin'  to  somebody,  hollered 
"hullo!"  and  "all  right !"  and  a  whole  mess  o' 
stuff,  then  laughed  as  hearty  as  could  be,  at  his 
own  nonsense.  I  couldn't  believe  it  of  James, 
and  I  turns  to  Jeff  Adams,  standin'  by  me,  '  Drunk, 
ain't  he  ?'  says  I.  Jeff  didn't  make  rib  answer, 
only  winked  one  eye  and  grinned.  It  was  a  good 
joke  to  him  I  s'pose,  but  it  wa'n't  to  me ;  I  teli 
you  I  felt  like  death,  and  I  went  and  got  out  my 
team  and  come  away  as  quick  's  I  could.  And 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  12<$ 

the  wust  on't  is,  it  '11  jest  about  kill  the  Widder 
Grimes !" 

Mis' Jones  wiped  her  eyes,  "  Poor  woman,  God 
help  her  !"  says  she. 

All  of  a  suddin  an  idee  popped  into'  my  head 
I  says  to  the  deacon  : 

"  Did  James  say  '  Hullo  !'  ivhen  he  fust  begur 
to  talk  ?" 

"  Yes.     He  kep'  sayin'  on't  over'n  and  over." 

"  And  didn't  he  hold  somethin'  up  to  his  ear?" 

"  I  didn't  mind.  There  was  a  lot  o'  things  all 
cluttered  up  hangin'  on  the  wall  behind  him ; 
corn  poppers,  and  tin-ware,  and  so  on — but  why, 
what  are  you  drivin'  at,  Ruth  Ann  ?" 

"  Wall,"  says  I,  "  I  think  James  was  jest  talkin' 
through  a  telefone — one  o'  them  talkin'  machines, 
you  know." 

"  Telefone  f "  says  the  deacon,  all  struck  of  a 
heap.  "  I've  heerd  on  'em.  Do  you  s'pose  they've 
got  one  in  Barker's  store  ?  I  dunno." 

"  How  should  ye  know  anything,  for  that  mat- 
ter, when  we  don't  take  no  newspaper  !"  said  his 
wife,  kinder  spiteful. 

"I  swanny  !"  says  the  deacon,  "if  I  don't  be- 
lieve you're  right,  Ruth  Ann  !  James  wouldn't 
git  drunk — I  might  a  knowed  it !" 

He  went  off  post  haste  over  to  neighbor  Fuller's 
to  make  inquiries,  and  he  found  out  that  Barker 
had  got  a  telefone,  and  that  James  Grimes  was 
stiddy  as  an  eight-day  clock,  jest  as  he  alwers  had 
been. 

The  best  on't  was,  the  deacon  concluded  to 
take  a  newspaper. 


I3O  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


MUTUAL  LIFE  INSURANCE. 

Have  you  ever  had  anything  to  do  with  this 
'ere  life  insurance  business  ?  If  you  hain't  you'd 
orter  be  thankful  that  you  never  got  drawed  into 
it.  Like  enough  it's  a  good  thing  in  some  cases, 
but  then  agin  it  makes  a  sight  o'  mischief. 

You  remember  Uncle  Joe  and  Aunt  Betsey 
Flanders  up  to  Dobson's  Corner  ?  Everybody 
knows  'em  that  ever  lived  nigh  the  Corner. 
They've  alwers  been  considered  likely  folks,  only 
ruther  tight  and  graspin' — at  least  Uncle  Joe.  I 
guess  Aunt  Betsey  is  free-handed  enough. 

Wall,  I  jest  wanted  to  tell  ye  what  a  piece  6 
work  that  insurance  business  made  with  them. 

In  the  fust  place,  it  did  seem  as  if  a  eperdem- 
ick  of  all  sorts  o'  travellin'  consarns  had  struck 
the  town  that  summer.  There  was  patent  medi- 
cine men,  healin'  mejums,  fortin'-tellers  and 
lightnin'-rod  men,  and  last  of  all  an  insurance 
agent  come  along,  and  he  got  hold  of  Uncle  Joe 
the  fust  thing,  and  followed  him  up.  He  fairly 
harnted  the  poor  man  till  he  finally  give  in  he'd 
have  his  life  insured  if  his  wife  would  have  hern. 

Wall,  one  day  Uncle  Joe  come  home  to  din- 
ner. I  remember  we  had  biled  dish  that  day.  It 
was  his  favorite  dinner ;  seemed  as  if  he  couldn't 
never  git  enough,  specially  of  cabbage.  He 
often  used  to  say  to  his  wife  : 

"  Betsey,  there  ain't  notnin'  so  ^ood    on   i  be 


AN    INSURANCE   AGENT   GOT   HOLD  OF   UNCLE  JOE   AND  FOLLOWED  HIM 
UP,  TILL   HE   FINALLY    GIVE   IN   HE'D   HAVE   HIS   LIFE   INSURED. 

(Page  130.) 


132  ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

face  o'  the  airth  as  pork  and  cabbage  !  "  So  they 
had  it  once  and  sometimes  twice  a  week.  But 
that  day  I  speak  on  he  might  as  well  been  eatin' 
chips  and  water  for  all  sense  he  took  on't.  He 
seemed  to  be  thinkin'  out  somethin'  awful  deep 
and  serious,  and  there  he  set  and  sometimes 
most  forgot  to  eat. 

Aunt  Betsey  she  noticed  it,  and  bimeby  she 
says,  "  For  pity's  sake,  father,  what's  the  matter 
with  ye  ?  Ain't  you  goin'  to  eat  your  cabbage  ? 
That's  only  your  fust  help,  too.  I  hope  to  massy 
you  ain't  sick  ! " 

"  Sick  !  no,"  says  Uncle  Joe,  startin'  up  as  if 
he  was  shot.  "  Do  I  look  sick  ?" 

"  Why,  no,  I  dunno  as  you  dew,  but  you 
haint  spoke  sence  you  set  down  to  the  table,  and 
why  don't  you  eat  your  dinner  ? "  says  she. 

"  Do  lemme  be,"  says  he.  "  Can't  I  have  no 
chance  to  think  in  my  own  house  ?  " 

"  Oh,  sartin,  sartin  ;  think  all  you  want  ter," 
says  Aunt  Betsey.  "  But  you  ain't  in  the  habit 
o'  doin'  much  heavy  brain  work  while  pork  and 
cabbage  sets  afore  ye." 

That's  all  there  was  said  till  we'd  finished  our 
dinners.  Uncle  Joe  ate  his  biled  injun  puddin' 
jest  as  he  had  the  rest  on't — without  seemin'  to 
taste  or  sense  it  at  all ;  then  he  laid  down  his 
knife  and  fork,  tilted  his  chair  back  agin  the  wall, 
and,  fixin'  a  sharp  look  onto  his  wife's  face,  be- 
gun : 

"  Wife,"  he  says,  "  I've  been  thinkin'  whuther 
no  it  wouldn't  be  a  good  plan  ^  <rii  our  lives  in- 
sured" 

"  Good  Lordy  massy  !  "  sen  •:••  is  Aunt  Betsey. 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  133 

droppin'  the  puddin'  dish  and  brcakin'  it  all  to 
smash,  "  what  put  that  idee  into  your  head  ? 
Don't  ye  do  no  sech  thing,  father  ;  you'll  be  sure 
to  up  and  die.  I  never  knew  it  to  fail !  " 

"  Do  talk  like  a  sensible  critter,"  says  Uncle 
Joe.  (k  There's  a  man  here  repersentin'  a  mutual 
life  insurance  consarn  ;  it's  different  from  most  on 
'em.  We  both  insure — you  and  me — and  then 
if  I  die  fust  you  git  the  money,  and  if  you  die 
fust  /  git  the  money  !  Don't  ye  see  ?  " 

Aunt  Betsey  she  stood  and  stared  at  him  for 
much  as  a  minute,  a  piece  o'  the  puddin'  dish  in 
her  hand  and  her  mouth  wide  open  ;  then  she 
dropped  down  into  a  chair  all  of  a  heap  and  be- 
gun to  cry  and  take  on. 

"Oh,  Joseph  Flanders,"  says  she,  "  have  we 
lived  together  in  peace  and  harmony  now  goin' 
on  thirty  year  to  begin  all  to  once  to  trade  and 
barter  and  gamble  in  one  'nother's  lives  ?  I 
wouldn't  'a  believed  it,  I  wouldn't." 

Uncle  Joe  he  explained  and  scolded  and 
coaxed,  but  it  didn't  do  no  good,  and  he  finally 
went  off  to  work.  But  in  the  evenin'  he  fetched 
round  the  insurance  man — he  was  a  dretful  ily, 
smooth-tongued  feller — and  the  upshot  on't  was 
that,  somehow  between' em,  they  finally  got  Aunt 
Betsey  to  say  she'd  go  and  be  examined  and  have 
her  life  insured,  though  she  stuck  to  it  she  didn't 
approve  on't  no  more'n  ever. 

The  next  mornin'  Uncle  Joe  started  right  off 
with  her  to  the  insurance  office,  for  fear  if  he 
waited  she'd  change  -her  mind.  They  found  the 
doctor  there  all  ready  to  examine  'em,  and  a  clerk 
with  a  list  o'  questions  a  yard  long  before  him, 


134  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

set  scribblin'  away  at  a  table.  When  they  was  all 
ready,  he  picks  up  the  list,  and  says  to  Aunt 
Betsey  without  lookin'  up  : 

"  Colored  or  white  f  " 

"  What!  "  says  Aunt  Betsey. 

He  says  it  agin,  just  as  if  he  was  a  machine. 

"  Colored  or  white  ?  " 

"Young  man,  if  you  mean  am  7  colored  or 
white,  jest  look  and  see  for  yourself.  I  never 
was  took  for  a  nigger  yet ! "  says  Aunt  Betsey. 

"  Married  or  single  ?  "  he  continnered,  scratch- 
in'  away. 

J 

"You  sassy  boy  !"  she  screams.  "  Do  I  look 
like  an  old  maid  ?  And  ain't  my  husband  along 
with  me  ?  Ketch  me  here  if  it  wa'n't  for  him," 
she  grumbled. 

Then  he  asked  her  how  old  she  was,  and  how 
old  her  father  and  mother  and  gran'father  and 
gran'mother  was  when  they  died,  and  what  they 
died  of,  and  a  lot  more.  Then  they  went  through 
the  same  rigmarole  with  Uncle  Joe,  and  got  'em 
both  so  tuckered  out  and  mixed  up  that  when 
they  come  to  the  children  they  couldn't  make  out 
between  'em  whuther  it  was  their  darter  Sary 
Ellen  that  died  o'  the  measles  and  John  Henry 
o'  the  scarlet  fever,  or  Sary  Ellen  of  the  fever  and 
John  Henry  o'  the  measles.  After  a  good  deal 
o'  talk  the  agent  said  it  wa'n't  essenshul,  and  put 
somethin'  down  and  let  it  go. 

Then  the  doctor  he  took  'em  in  hand.  He  took 
Uncle  Joe  fust.  He  rapped  on  his  back, 
sounded  his  lungs,  and  measured  his  chist. 

"  You're  a  tough  old  chap,  ain't  ye  ?"  says  he, 
when  he  got  through.  Live  to  be  a  hundred  year 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  135 

old  if  you  don't  die  of  appcrplcxy.  Good  feeder, 
ain't  ye  ?"  givin'  him  a  punch  in  the  stummuck. 

Now  Uncle  Joe's  stummuck  is  prommyncnt, 
and  he  knows  it,  and  he  took  every  word  the 
doctor  said  in  dead  arnest. 

"  Appcrplexy  /"  he  gasps  ;  "  you  don't  mean  to 
say  I'm  inclined  that  way,  do  ye,  doctor?" 

It  tickled  the  doctor  to  see  how  he'd  scairt 
him,  and  he  says,  very  sollum  :  "  If  we  hadn't  all 
got  the  seeds  o'  death  in  us,  we  shouldn't  never 
die." 

Aunt  Betsey  she  knew  well  enough  what  he 
was  up  to,  and  she  pulled  Uncle  Joe's  coat-tail : 
"  Don't  ye  see,  father,  he's  only  jokin',"  she  whis- 
pered. 

But  he  was  scairt  and  nervous,  and  he  couldn't 
git  over  it  so  easy. 

Then  they  examined  Aunt  Betsey ;  they  meas- 
ured her  round  the  waist  for  one  thing. 

"  I  hain't  got  no  call  to  be  proud  o'  my  waist 
now,  I  know,"  she  says  to  the  doctor,  "  but  I've 
seen  the  day  I  wore  a  eighteen-inch  corset !" 

"  Is  that  so?  Twice  eighteen's  thirty-six,"  says 
the  doctor.  "  You  ain't  no  silpk  now,  that's  a  fact." 

"  I  hope  not,"  says  Aunt  Betsey  ;  "  I  hope  I'm 
a  decent  woman,"  she  says,  drawin'  herself  up 
some. 

"Oh,"  says  the  doctor,  "  I  guess  silphs  is  good 
likely  women  enough,  only  they  don't  generally 
have  much  waist  to  'em." 

"  Oh  ?  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  they  pinch  'ejn 
in — some  women  do,"  says  Aunt  Betsey. 

"  Like  enough,  like  enough  !"  says  the  doctor, 
winkin'  one  eye  at  the  clerk. 


136  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

After  they'd  got  done  measurin'  they  sounded 
her  lungs,  and  so  on. 

"My  inward  orgins  is  all  right,  I  guess,"  says 
she,  laughin';  "  if  they  ain't  I  never  hear  nothin' 
from  'em." 

"What!  don't  your  heart  never  go  whipperty 
Whop,  when  you  get  berlated  to  meetin',  and  have 
to  hurry  down  stairs,  with  your  gloves  and  bun- 
nit  and  parisol  and  him-book  and  clean  handker- 
chif  in  one  hand,  and  your  husband's  clean  coi- 
lor  in  t'other  ?" 

"  Yes,  it  does,"  agrees  Aunt  Betsey,  laughin' 
harty,  "  specially  when  I  find  father's  gone  off 
after  all,  without  even  changin'  his  shirt !" 

But  Uncle  Joe  didn't  smile.  "Do  you  think 
there's  anything  the  matter  with  mother's  heart  ?" 
he  asks. 

"  As  I  told  ye  before,  so  I  tell  ye  now,"  says 
the  doctor,  sollum  as  a  judge,  "  if  the  seeds  o' 
death  wa'n't  in  us  all,  we  shouldn't  never  die." 

"La,  now,  father,"  says  Aunt  Betsey,  "don't 
you  worry.  My  heart  is  sound's  a  nut.  The 
doctor  can't  scare  me" 

The  doctor  didn't  say  nothin',  only  he  winked 
one  eye  agin  to  the  clerk,  and  the  clerk  laughed. 
I  think  that  doctor  was  real  mean.  I  always  did 
hate  these  winky  men.  Anyway,  he  got  Uncle 
Joe  so  kinder  narvous  and  worked  up,  that  he 
went  home  with  his  head  full  o' notions  about  his 
own  health,  and  his  wife's  too. 

Not  long  after,  Aunt   Betsey  come  to  me  one 
mornin',  and  says  she,  "  Ruth  Ann,  I  can't  stall 
it !     I  hain't  had  a  decent  night's  rest  sence  we 
got  our  lives  insured.     If  I  even  turn  over  in  my 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID,  137 

sleep,  or  snore  the  leastest  mite  in  the  world, 
your  uncle  springs  up  on  end,  and  asks  me  if  I 
ain't  sick?  Where  I  feel  bad?  and  so  on.  Last 
night,  after  he'd  waked  me  up  once  or  twice,  I 
says  to  him,  "  Father,  do  for  pity's  sake  leinmc 
alone  !  If  I  ain't  sick  now,  I  shall  be  pretty  soon, 
in  good  arnest !  if  I've  got  to  be  broke  o'  my 
;rest  every  night  in  this  way  !  And  you  don't 
sleep  at  all,  yourself,  do  ye  ?  What  ails  ye  ? 
What  makes  ye  so  dretful  wakeful  and  anxious  ? 
For  the  land's  sake,  don't  lay  awake  to  worry 
about  me — I'm  all  right !"  says  I. 

"  Be  you  sure,  mother  ?"  he  says.  "  Don't  you 
feel  no  trouble  about  your  chist  nowheres  ?  I 
thought  you  breathed  kinder  queer." 

"  What  under  the  canopy  be  you  drivin'  at  ? 
You  make  me  narvous  !"  says  I,  out  o'  patience. 

"Oh,  nothin',  nothin',"  says  he,  "only  you 
know  what  the  doctor  said  when  you  was  exam- 
ined. I  should  hate  to  have  ye  took  away  suddin 
and  I  not  know  it." 

I  begun  to  understand.  "  Oh,  that's  it,  is  it  ?" 
says  I.  "  Wall,  if  you  lay  awake  to  see  me  die, 
you'll  have  a  long  job  of  it !  That  doctor  was 
foolin',  and  if  you  wa'n't  a  gump  and  a  fool  you'd 
know  it !  I  hain't  got  no  heart  disease,  more'n 
you  have,  and  I  mean  to  live  to  be  a  widder  yet ! 
says  I,  "for  I  was  kinder  mad  to  find  him  right 
on  hand,  as  you  might  say,  to  have  me  die." 

He  didn't  wake  her  up  no  more  o'  nights,  but 
he  seemed  so  absent-minded  and  queer,  that  we 
begun  to  feel  afraid  his  brains  was  affected. 

("*» 

The  wust  thing  he  did,  and  what  worried  Aunt 
Betsey  more'n  all  the  rest,  was  that  he  'bout  as 


I3§  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

good  as  left  off  eatin'.  It  was  curis  to  watch  him 
at  the  table — he  was  naterally  sech  a  hearty  eater, 
ye  see — but  now,  he'd  set  and  pick  over  his  vittles 
and  chew  away  an  awful  while  on  next  to  nothin', 
and  git  up  from  the  table  lookin'  hungry  and 
miserble. 

Aunt  Betsey  watched  him  'till  she  couldn't^ 
stan'  it  no  longer,  and  one  day  she  says  to 
him,  "  Father,  what  are  ye  layin'  out  to  dew  ? 
Anybody'd  most  think  ye  was  tryin'  ter  starve 
yourself  to  death.  I  bet  you've  lost  ten  pound 
o'  flesh  within  a  month  !" 

"  Do  you  think  so  ?"  says  Uncle  Joe,  lookin'  as 
pleased  as  could  be.  "Guess  I  must  git  weighed 
and  see."  After  that  he  ate  a  little  more  free, 
but  not  like  himself,  and  Aunt  Betsey  contin- 
nered  to  fret. 

"  I  declare,"  she  says  to  me,  "  I  don't  take  a 
mite  o'  comfort  cookin'  for  your  uncle  now-days  ; 
he  don't  seem  to  relish  a  single  thing !  There's 
them  last  mince  pies  that  I  took  sech  pains 
to  make  extry  nice — he  hain't  even  tasted  on  'em  ! 
And  did  you  hear  what  he  said  to-day  'bout  cab- 
bage ?  When  I  went  to  help  him  to  some,  he 
says,  says  he,  I  guess  I  won't  take  none,  Betsey ; 
cabbage  is  ruther  hearty  for  me." 

"  Ruther  hearty  /"  says  I,  "  for  the  land's  sake, 
what  does  a  strong  workingman  like  you  want,  if 
it  ain't  suthin'  hearty !  I  thought  cabbage  was 
your  favorite,  too,"  says  I. 

"  Wall,  wall,"  says  he,  as  cross  as  a  bear,  "  can't 
a  man  change  his  mind  ?  Do  lemme  eat  what  I 
wan'  ter,  cant  ye  ?" 

"  Sartin,"  says  I,  "only  if  you've  made  up  your 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  139 

mind  to  live  without  eatin',  jest  say  so,  and  I 
won't  \vork  and  slave  cookin'  for  nothin'  here- 
after," says  I. 

"Oh,  wall,"  says  he,  "I  thought  I'd  kinder 
diet  for  awhile  and  see  if  my  health  wouldn't  be 
better." 

"Die  it!"  I  says,  "guess  you  will,  if  you  keep 
on,  but  you  ain't  sick  now,  more'n  the  cat  is,  not 
a  mite  !" 

John  Hodge,  one  o'  the  neighbors,  dropped  in 
next  evenin',  and  he  got  to  talkin',  'mong  other 
things,  about  smokin'. 

"  Smokin',"  says  he,  "  is  a  injurous  habit.  My 
father  declared  in  his  last  sickness  that  he  hadn't 
no  doubt  but  what  it  had  shortened  his  life  by 
full  ten  year,  and  I  believe  he  was  right." 

This  idee  so  struck  Uncle  Joe  that  he  'most 
jumped  out  of  his  chair.  "  Strange,  I  never 
thought  o'  that  afore,"  he  muttered  kinder  to 
himself. 

"  I  should  say  he  lived  long  enough,  in  all  con- 
science," says  Aunt  Besey.  "  Who'd  wan'  ter 
live  to  be  more'n  eighty-seven  year  old  ?" 

Wall,  if  you'll  believe  if,  from  that  night  Uncle 
Joe  begun  to  give  up  his  pipe  !  and  a  more  rnis- 
er'ble,  restless  critter  I  never  wan'  ter  see. 

One  evenin'  he  held  his  old  pipe  in  his  mouth 
'till  bedtime,  and  there  he  set,  seemin'ly  wrastlin' 
with  the  longin'  to  smoke.  He  couldn't  read  his 
paper,  nor  settle  down  to  do  nothin'.  Aunt  Bet- 
sey, she'd  seen  what  was  goin'  on  all  along,  and 
hadn't  said  a  word  for,  nor  aginst ;  but  that  night 
he  was  so  oncommon  oneasy  tihat  she  felt  real 
bad  for  him.  She  goes  down  suller  and  draws  a 


140  ADVENTURES  OF  AM  OLD  MAID. 

great  mug  o'  cider  and  fetches  it  in,  'long  with  a 
dish  o'  nuts  and  apples.  But  Uncle  Joe  didn't 
take  no  notice  on  'em.  So  bimeby  she  lays  her 
hand  onto  his  shoulder  and  says  real  coaxin': 

"  Come,  now,  father ;  I  don't  believe  it's  a 
good  plan  for  a  man  of  your  age  to  give  up  his 
pipe — do  you  ?  I  can't  see  as  it  ever  did  you  a 
speck  o'  hurt,  and  I  wouldn't  torment  myself  no 
longer.  Come,  lemme  light  your  pipe  now,  and 
you  have  a  good  smoke,  and  git  carmed  down  and 
go  to  bed." 

He  knocked  the  pipe  out  of  her  hand,  and 
started  up  like  a  crazy  critter. 

"  Clear  out,  and  hold  your  tongue,  will  ye  !"  he 
shouted.  "  A  pretty  wife  you  be  !  If  you's  a 
decent  woman  you'd  be  helpin'  me  to  perlong  my 
life,  instid  o'  doin'  all  you  can  to  shorten  it !" 

"  Heavens  and  airth  !"  cries  Aunt  Betsey, 
"  have  you  gone  ravin'  crazy,  father  !  What  do 
you  mean  !" 

•'I  mean,"  says  he,  savage  as  a  meat  ax,  "that 
you've  been  all  your  life  helpin'  on  my  apper- 
plexy  ;  stuffin'  me  up  with  your  dumbed  mince 
pies,  and  the  old  Harry  'n  all !  And  that  ain't 
enough,  but  now  you  must  coax  me  to  keep  on 
smokin'  when  you  know  it's  goin'  to  shorten  my 
life  by  ten  year  or  more  !  But  I  can  see 
through  your  little  game,  and  I'll  outwit  ye.  Yes, 
I'll  outlive  ye  yet !"  He  yelled  it  out,  glarin'  at 
her  like  a  mad  man,  and  brought  his  fist  down  on 
to  the  table  with  a  blow  that  tipped  over  the 
cider-mug  and  sent  the  apples  rollin'  all  over  the 
floor. 

It  a'  most  took  away  Aunt  Betsey's  breath  for 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  14! 

a  minute,  but  she  looks  him  square  in  the  eye, 
and  says  she,  "  Joseph  Flanders,  you  are  either  a 
consummit  raskil,  or  'less  your  brains  is  'fected 
bad — one  or  t'other.  But  you  haint  got  no 
apperplexy,  and  you  never  have  had — not  an  atom  ; 
and  if  you  wa'n't  a  gump  and  a  fool  you'd  know 
it !  That  miserable  insurance  business  is  to  the 
bottom  on't  all !  I  see  it  now  !  Fust  you  was 
goin'  to  have  me  die  o'  heart  disease,  and  when  I 
'didn't  fall  in  with  that,  you  goes  to  work  to per- 
long  your  own  life.  In  plain  English  you're 
stewin'  and  plannin'  for  fear  you  shan't  outlive 
me,  and  so  git  hold  o'  the  four  thousan'  dollars ! 
Oh,  Joe  !"  she  sobs,  "  if  I  wa'n't  so  'tarnal  mad, 
I  b'lieve  my  heart  would  bust !"  And  she 
sets  down  and  rocks  herself  back'ards  and  for'ards 
and  takes  on  bitter. 

When  she  spoke  about  her  heart,  Uncle  Joe 
pricked  up  his  ears,  and  looked  at  her  sharp  ;  then 
he  takes  up  the  candle  and  goes  off  to  bed,  with- 
out another  word. 

When  he'd  gone  Aunt  Betsey  wiped  up  her 
eyes,  and  set  and  set,  turnin'  on't  over  in  her 
mind.  Bimeby  she  says  to  me,  "  Ruth  Ann, 
I've  been  actin'  like  a  born  fool !  This  ere  ain't  the 
fust  time  your  uncle's  got  off  the  hooks ;  though  I 
wouldn't  own  it  to  everybody — but  I've  alwcrs 
fetched  him  round,  alwers  ;  and  I  will  this  time, 
inside  of  twenty -four  hours,  too,  or  my  name  ain  t 
Betsey  Flanders  !  He  sets  the  world  by  me— 
your  uncle  does  ;  but  between  you'n  me,  he  ain't 
very  well  ballunced,  and  the  least  thing  turns  him 
one  side.  I  tell  ye,  these  men  are  alwers  gittin' 
some  contr'y  kink  or  n'other  into  their  heads,  and 


142  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

you've  got  to  be  perpared  for  'em.  Now,"  says 
she,  laughin',  "you  jest  hold  on,  and  see  how  I'll 
fix  him  !" 

I  couldn  t  help  wonderin'  what  in  the  world  she 
meant,  but  she  didn't  say  another  word,  and  I 
didn't  feel  free  to  be  inquisitive. 

Next  mornin'  (it  was  Sunday  mornin')  Uncle 
Joe  come  to  my  door  'fore  I  was  awake,  and 
rapped.  "  Ruth  Ann,"  says  he,  "  you'll  have  to 
git  right  up,  and  see  to  your  aunt ;  she  ain't  well 
this  mornin'." 

I  was  scairt  to  death  in  a  minute.  "  Oh, 
Uncle  Joe,"  says  I,  "  is  anything  the  matter  of 
her  heart  ?" 

"  I'm  'fraid  so,  I'm  'fraid  so  ;  Ruthy,"  says  he, 
his  voice  shakin'.  You  dress  ye  as  quick's  you 
can  ;  I'm  goin  right  off  to  git  the  doctor." 

Wall,  there  wa'n't  much  I  could  do  for  l^er. 
She  seemed  to  be  in  -dretful  distress,  and  every 
little  while  she'd  lay  her  hand  onto  her  heart  and 
roll  up  her  eyes  and  groan  pitiful.  It  'peared 
as  if  she  couldn't  live  any  time  at  all,  if  she  didn't 
git  help. 

When  the  doctor  come  she  asked  to  see  him 
alone  a  few  minutes,  and  Uncle  Joe  and  I  tiptoed 
out,  and  left  'em  together. 

Wall,  you  wouldn't  'a  believed  it  possible  for  a 
man  to  change  his  tune  so  quick's  Uncle  Joe  did 
his'n  !  I'd  got  a  comfortable  breakfast  sech  as  we 
alwers  had  a  Sunday  mornin' — beans  and  brown 
bread  and  coffy,  and  I  made  him  set  down  to  the 
table  with  me  ;  but  la  !  he  acted  more  like  a 
crazy  critter  than  I  ever  see  him  before !  He'd 
jump  up  every  few  minutes,  and  go  to  the  door, 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN   OLD  MAID.  143 

then  come  back  and  set  down  and  groan  and 
take  on. 

"Oh,  Ruth  Ann!"  says  he  to  me.  "I 
know  I've  been  a  miserable,  wicked  scoundrel, 
and  I  don't  desarve  to  have  her  live  !  But  if  she 
dies,"  he  goes  on,  tarin'  round  the  room,  "  if  she 
dies,  I'll  murder  that  ily-tongued  insurance  chap, 
and  /'//  buy  a  kag  d  powder  and  blow  up  tJie 
!i02tse  and  my  own  miserable  carkis  in  it !  " 

I  tried  to  carm  him.  "Mebby  she  ain't  so  bad 
— she  may  git  over  it,"  says  I.  "  Let's  wait  and 
see  what  the  doctor  says." 

"  Oh,  no,  she  won't  never  git  over  it,"  says  he. 
"  But  she  might  a  lived  for  years  if  it  hadn't  been 
for  me  and  my  cussed  cruelty.  She  confessed 
finally  that  she  had  trouble  with  her  heart,  and 
she  suffered  agernies  all  night,  but  she  wouldn't  let 
me  go  away  from  her  for  fear  she'd  drop  away  and 
I  not  with  her.  And  she  forgiv'  me,  Ruth  Ann, 
she  forgiv'  me  over'n  over  !  Yes,  she  did,  bless 
her  ;  she's  an  angel !  Ruth  Ann,"  he  groans  agin, 
comin'  and  wringin'  my  hand,  "what  shall  I  dew 
without  my  pardner  ?  What's  all  the  world  to 
me  without  Betsey  ?  Who  cares  anything  about 
me  but  Betsey?  Ruth  Ann,  if  she  does  git  well 
I'll  deed  this  ere  house  and  farm  to  her  and  every 
cei)t  o'  property  I've  got  in  the  world  besides, 
and  she  shall  ride  in  her  own  horse  and  kerridge 
and  have  a  hired  gal — ten  of  'em — forty,  if  she 
wants,  as  true  as  my  name  is  Joseph  Flan- 
ders !" 

After  this  he  seemed  a  little  more  easy,  and 
drank  part  of  a  cup  of  coffy  ;  then  he  goes  on 
agin  : 


144  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

"  Yes,  I'll  dress  her  with  the  best,  and  I'll  rreat 
her  as  she  desarves — bless  her." 

Just  here  the  doctor  come  out,  and  I  dunno 
what  made  me,  but  I  slipt  past  him,  without 
stoppin'  to  ask  how  she  was  or  anything,  and 
went  into  the  bedroom.  There  I  found  Aunt 
Betsey  settin  up  in  bed,  stuffin'  the  bedclo'es  into 
her  mouth  and  actin'  dretful  queer.  When  she 
see  'twas  me  she  hauled  me  down  to  her. 

"Oh,  Lord!— oh,  Lord!  I  shall  die,  Ruthy,  1 
shall  die !  "  she  whispered,  laughin'  and  shakin' 
as  if  she'd  go  into  fits.  "  I  heerd  every  word 
your  uncle  said,"  said  she.  "  So  I'm  goin'  to 
have  forty  hired  gals  and  ride  in  my  kerridge 
and  dress  like  a  lady,  be  I  ?  Didn't  he  come 
down  harnsome  ?  What  did  I  tell  ye,  though, 
Ruth  Ann  ?  Don't  /  know  how  to  manage 
Joseph  Flanders  ?  Not  that  I  shall  ever  take 
the  leastest  mite  of  advantage — bless  him  ;  he's 
got  the  most  lovin'  heart  in  the  world  after  all ! " 

"  But,  Aunt  Betsey,"  says  I,  "  do  you  mean  to 
say  you  hain't  been  sick  at  all  ?  " 

"Oh,  yes,"  says  she,  "I've  been  dretful  sick, 
"  and  I'm  just  wore  out  with  groanin'  and  takin' 
on.  It's  hard  work,  Ruthy,  and  hungry  work, 
and  the  minnit  your  uncle  goes  to  the  barn  to 
feed  the  critters  I  want  you  to  fetch  me  in  a  big 
plate  o'  beans  and  brown  bread  and  a  cup  o' 
coffy.  The  doctor  told  me  to  take  a  little  nour- 
ishment," says  she,  laughin'. 

Wall.  I  didn't  git  the  hull  truth  through  my 
head  for  some  time,  but  when  the  doctor  come 
in  with  Uncle  Joe  and  said  his  wife  had  had  a 
narrer  escape  (he  didn't  say  from  what),  but  with 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  145 

care  she  might  live  now  to  a  good  old  age,  and  I 
see  him  go  to  the  winder  to  laugh,  then  I  begun 
to  understand. 

At  fust  Uncle  Joe  was  completely  overcome. 
Then  he  set  down  on  the  side  of  the  bed  and 
held  Aunt  Betsey's  hands,  and  asked  her  over'n 
over  to  forgive  him,  and  told  her  what  he  was 
a  goin'  to  dew  to  make  her  happy.  They  both 
cried  a  little,  and  bimeby  Aunt  Betsey  says  : 

"  Father,  ain't  ye  'fraid  them  poor  critters  to  the 
barn  are  gittin'  hungry  ?  " 

"  I  declare,  I  f ergot  all  about  'em  "  says  Uncle 
Joe,  and  he  went  off  to  fe.  d  'em.  Then  I  slipt 
out  into  the  kitchen  and  back  with  a  plate  o' 
beans,  and  so  on,  and  after  Aur>t  Betsey  had  eat 
'em  she  felt  as  good  as  new,  and  wanted  to  git  up 
and  dress  herself. 

"  But,"  she  says.  tr  I  s'pose  I  shall  have  to  lay 
abed  a  little  while  for  decency's  sake  ;  it's  an  aw- 
ful punishment,  and  I  desarve  it  for  takin'  in 
that  poor  innercent  man  so." 

To  make  a  long  story  short,  Uncle  Joe  was  as 
good  as  his  word,  so  fur  as  his  wife  was  con- 
sarned,  and  they  took  a  sight  o'  comfort  together 
after  that.  He  give  up  the  idee  o'  havin'  the  ap- 
perplexy,  and  took  to  mince  pies  and  cabbage 
agin  as  hearty  as  ever. 

They  let  that  insurance  policy  run  out — in  fact 
never  paid  the  furst  cent  on  it,  and  to  this  day 
they  both  hate  the  very  sight  of  a  life 
agent. 


146  ADVENl'URES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


HIGH  ART  AND  ESTHETICS. 

I  visited  to  cousin  Harnden's  when  I  was  down 
country.  You  know  his  wife's  been  dead  a  num- 
ber o'  year,  and  his  oldest  daughter,  Juliet,  keeps 
house  for  him. 

I  s'pose  Joshua's  wuth  no  end  o'  money,  for 
they've  got  a  great  house  as  big  as  Square  Jones's 
barn,  with  everything  in  it,  and  plenty  o'servants 
to  wait  on  'em.  Anybody  'd  thought  they  might 
a  took  solid  comfort ;  and  so  they  would,  if  Juliet 
hadn't  a  been  so  crazy-silly — and  all  over  nothin', 
and  wuss  than  nothin' ! 

The  name  on't — whatever  it  was — that  ailded 
her  was  "High  Art  and  Esthetics"  and  she  had 
it  awful  bad.  Now,  I  can't  give  you  a  definishun 
of  what  that  is — not  in  one  \vord,  but  if  you'll 
have  patience  and  hear  me  through,  you'll  know 
what  it  means,  as  well  as  /  dew,  't  any  rate. 

In  the  furst  place,  I  should  say  'twas  kind  of  an 
epidemic k  that  rages  'mong  folks  that  have  got 
plenty  o'  money,  and  nothin'  pertick'lar  to  do. 
It  don't  seem  ter  be  compattyble  with  poverty. 
Poor  folks  never  have  it,  any  way.  Them  that 
has  it,  run  of  a  notion  that  they  must  foller  the 
rules  of  "High  Art"  in  everything.  That  is, 
their  furnitoor  and  dresses,  and  all  their  ways  and 
doin's,  must  be  what  they  call  "  artistic  k"  And 
as  nigh's  I  can  make  out,  they  git  their  notions 
and  rules  from  travellin'  in  furrin'  parts,  and  from 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  14? 

studyin'  over  musty  old  books  and  picters.  The 
oldest,  wust  lookin'  things  please  'em  the  best ; 
they  di,d  Juliet,  anyways.  She  run  to  everything 
dismal  and  doleful.  "  Subdood  Effccks"  she 
called  'em.  I  never  see  a  single  cheerful,  good- 
lookin'  effeck — not  one. 

Juliet's  own  room  was  what  she  called  a  "sim- 
fony "  in  blue ;  the  color  o'  things  was  mostly 
blue,  a  dull,  dirty  blue.  And  there  wasn't  a  rock- 
in'  chair  nor  a  single  comfortable  piece  o'  furni- 
toor  in  the  hull  room.  The  only  cheerful  lookin' 
thing  was  a  dear  little  picter  of  a  bunch  of  golden 
rod,  jest  as  nateral  as  life.  It  hung  right  over 
the  mantletry  shelf.  I  was  surprised  and  pleased 
when  I  see  it,  and  I  said  to  Juliet,  "Wall,  there! 
you've  got  one  pretty  thing,  haint  ye  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes,"  says  she,  "  that's  o^e  o'  the  har~ 
monies" 

"  Nonsense !"  says  I,  'taint  nuther — no  sech 
thing  !  I  guess  I  know  golden  rod,  it  grows  every 
wheres  to  home,  common's  dirt,"  says  I. 

My  room  tew  was  dretful  stiff  and  uncomfort- 
able. I  couldn't  feel  home-like  in  it  no  more'n  I 
could  shet  up  in  the  sullen  Finally,  one  day,  I 
went  a'  foragin'.  I  got  Johnny  and  Sue — them's 
the  two  younger  children,  ye  know — to  take  me 
up  into  the  garret  chamber  and  there  we  found 
a  lot  o'  things  stowed  away  enough  sight  better'n 
them  we  was  usin'. 

Wall,  I  brought  down  a  rockin'-chair  and  a 
lounge,  and  a  braided  rug  jr  tew.  I  found  an  old 
Pilgrim's  Progress,  and  (  took  that  along  for 
company  ;  alwers  have  it  on  my  table  to  home  ; 
read  it  every  day  same's  1  do  my  bible.  Wall,  I 


148  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

put  'em  all  into  my  room,  and  it  seemed  more 
like  home  after  that.  Another  thing  I  fetched 
down  at  the  same  time,  turned  out  to  be  a  great 
success. 

You  see  I'd  found  out  Juliet  didn't  have  no 
mercy  on  her  par.  She'd  even  took  possession 
o'  the  libr'y  where  he  alwers  set  to  read  his  paper, 
do  his  vvritin'  and  so  on,  and  she'd  furnished  it  all 
over  in  her  high-falutin'  way ;  put  in  that  dis- 
tressid  straight-backed,  hard-bottomed  kind  o' 
furnitoor,  that's  enough  to  make  a  young  person's 
bones  ache  to  set  on,  to  say  nothin'  of  a  man  sixty 
years  old  !  She'd  took  up  every  rag  o  carpetin' 
on  the  floor,  and  had  it  shined  and  polished  up 
till  'twas  jest  as  slippery  as  glass.  Why,  it  was 
'bout  as  much  as  your  neck  was  wuth  to  walk 
acrost  it.  Her  poor  par  had  actilly  fell  down  a 
number  o'  times,  and  it  was  a  wonder  he  hadn't 
broke  his  bones!  I  told  Juliet  how't  he  woitld, 
sures's  fate,  sooner  or  later.  She  only  said  "  Oh, 
he'll  get  'customed  to  it." 

It  was  a  pitiful  sight  to  see  that  old  man  of  an 
evenin',  a  settin'  up  there,  stiff's  a  poker,  in  his 
straight-backed,  high-art  chair,  all  alone  in  that 
great,  dark,  lonesome  room  I  There  was  only 
one  little  lamp,  and  that  hung  right  over  his  head. 
I  s'pose  it  was  awful  classick,  but  it  wa'n't  any 
kind  of  a  lamp,  and  never  burnt  wuth  a  cent. 
Why,  it  didn't  begin  to  give  as  much  light  as  one 
o'  your  karysene  lamps!  But  Juliet  said  how  it 
looked  dim  and  skerlastick;  and  I  should  say  it 
did,  and  wuss. 

Then,  them  high-backed  chars  and  things  cast 
great,  black  shadders  all  over  the  room,  and  or» 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN1  OLD  MAID.  149 

tbe  hull  it  was  the  sollumest,  lonesomest  place  I 
ever  got  into  in  my  life !  1  used  to  go  and  set 
with  Joshua  evenin'  after  evenin',  for  company 
ye  know;  and  sometimes  John  Aiken  would 
come  down  from  the  parlor,  where  he  was  spark 
in'  Juliet,  and  set  with  us,  and  we'd  have  a  real 
jgood  time  together. 

John  Aiken  was  a  great  favorite  o'  Brothei 
Harnden's,  and  he'd  been  glad  to  seen  Juliet  mar- 
ried tew  him.  They'd  been  keepin'  company  to- 
gether a  good  while,  and  I  guess  Juliet  set  enough 
by  John,  only  sence  she  got  into  her  art  tantrums 
she  seemed  to  be  kinder  haulin'  off.  But  la,  he 
knew  more'n  the  hull  pack  o'  them  estheticks  put 
together  !  He  was  tew  well  ballunced  to  go  inter 
fits  over  an  old  piece  o'  furnitoor,  or  the  color  of 
a  gownd  !  But  Juliet  used  to  snub  him  unmerci- 
ful sometimes,  and  1  '-vondered  at  his  pa- 
tience. 

But  I  was  goin'  to  tell  you  what  else  I  fetched 
down  out  o'  the  garret  that  day.  Among  the 
other  things  there  was  a  great*  big  armchair,  all 
kivered  nice  with  luther,  and  stuffed  out  in  good 
shape.  As  soon  as  I  set  eyes  on  it  I  said  to  my- 
self "  that's  jest  the  chair  for  Joshua,  and  he  shall 
have  it!"  So  I  got  one  o'the  servants  to  help,  and 
we  lugged  it  down  into  the  libr'y  ;  and  that 
evenin'  Joshua  set  in  a  decent  chair  for  the  fust 
time  in  a  good  while. 

He  seemed  pleased  as  could  be,  and  laughed, 
and  said  how  it  seemed  a  little  like  the  good  old 
times,  before  \\\e  grand  art  inncrvation. 

Juliet  was  mad  when  she  see  it — said  it  didn't 
"  harmonize,"  etsetery ;  but  her  par  had  his  own 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

way  for  once  in  his  life,  and  the  chair  stayed,  and 
it  did  my  soul  good  to  see  him  set  in  it. 

Juliet  played  the  pianner,  and  she  could  play 
beautiful,  if  she  was  a  min'  to  ;  but  she  generally 
played  what  she  called  fevvges,  and  simfonies,  and 
sonnarters.  Oh,  they  was  horrid  !  There  wa'n't 
the  least  mite  o'  tune  tew  'em,  and  they  made  me 
feel  like  a  cat  when  her  fur  is  stroked  the  wrong 
way. 

Then  she  spent  mornin's  and  mornin's  with  her 
dressmakers  a  gittin'  up  her  "coschumes"  as  she 
called  'em.  I  used  to  hear  her  and  her  lady 
friends  speak  o' their  suits  as  "  harmonies  in  gray," 
"  simfonies  in  blue"  and  so  on.  It  ivas  enough  to 
make  a  cat  sick,  that's  a  fact !  And  then  their 
manners!  Wall,  I  can't  describe 'em.  You  know 
how  subdood  and  soft  like  anybody '11  go  round 
when  there's  a  person  lyin'  dead  in  the  house  ? 
Wall,  that  was  the  way  with  them  all  the  time. 
I  never  heard  one  on  'em  laugh  or  speak  above  her 
breath,  and  when  they  walked  they  jest^//</  along 
like  shadders  or  ghosts.  They  acted  for  all  the 
world  as  if  it  was  aginst  the  law  to  make  any  noise, 
or  show  any  signs  of  life,  or  dew  anything 
nateral. 

Wall,  that's  how  it  was  with  Juliet ;  and  when 
I  see  it  all,  I  says  to  myself,  "  It's  a  bad  way  for 
her,  and  for  all  consarned,"  and  I  kep'  a  turnin'it 
over  in  my  mind,  whuther  no  I  couldn't  dew 
somcthiri  to  kinder  fetch  her  to  her  senses,  as  you 
might  say.  One  mornin'  I  went  out  into  the 
garden  before  breakfast.  Everything  seemed 
fresh  and  sweet  as  a  baby  jest  waked  up  from  his 
nap.  There'd  been  a  little  sprinklin'  o'  rain  in 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  l$l 

the  night,  and  the  flowers  and  grass  was  sparklin' 
ail  over  with  drops,  harnsomer  'n  any  dimonds. 

I  was  alwers  a  master  hand  for  flowers,  you 
know,  and  I  picked  a  great,  big  bunch  on  'cm ; 
roses  and  pinks  and  all  kinds — mostly  good 
smellin'  ones,  for  naterally  I  like  them  best — and 
carried  'em  into  the  dinin'-room. 

None  o'  the  family  hadn't  come  down  yet,  and 
I  took  one  o'  them  long-necked  humly  look  in 
vases  of  Juliets  (she  called  it  a  "vase")  and  put 
the  flowers  into  it.  They  hain't  got  a  decent 
lookin'  vase  in  the  house,  cordin'  to  my  way  o' 
thinkin'.  I'd  ruther  have  that  white  chiny  one 
o'  your'n  there,  with  the  violets  painted  on  it, 
than  any  o'  theirn.  But  some  on  'em  cost  a  mint 
o'  money  !  I  shouldn't  dars  to  say  how  much  ; 
nobody  in  this  town  wouldn't  believe  me  !  There's 
two  monster  big  ones  standin'  each  side  o'  the 
door  in  the  recepshion  room,  as  they  call  it,  and 
they  cost  I  don't  know  how  many  hundred  dol- 
lars !  They're  as  tall  as  that  barrel,  and  all  kiv- 
ered  over  with  the  horridest  picters !  I  never 
could  bear  the  sight  of  'em — but  Juliet  said  they 
was  priceless  anteeks."  I  told  her  "  I  didn't  care 
if  they  was,  they  was  humly  as  fury  any  way  /  " 

Wall,  as  I  was  sayin'  I  put  the  flowers  in  the 
vase,  and  set  'em  on  the  table.  Says  I  ter  my- 
self, "that's  the  fust  good  lookin'  bokay  I've  seen 
sence  I  left  home,"  and  I  made  up  my  mind  that 
I'd  see't  we  had  one  every  mornin'.  It  made  the 
dingy  old  room  look  cheerfuller,  somehow.  Jest 
as  I  got  it  fixed  and  turned  best  side  tew,  the 
door  opened,  and  Juliet  come  loppin'  along  in, 
with  her  eyes  not  more'n  half  open,  and  her  dirt« 


152  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID, 

colored  gownd  a  hangin'  onto  her  like  a  wet  rag 
on  a  bean-pole.  (I  believe  they  call  the  color  o' 
that  gownd  sage  green,  but  it  wa'n't  the  color  o' 
no  sage  t'ever  /  see  !) 

When  she'd  got  'bout  half  way  into  the  room, 
she  spied  the  flowers:  "Oh — mercy!"  says  she, 
leanin'  aginst  a  chair  as  if  she  was  goin'  to  faint 
away,  "What  desercration  /" 

"  Yes,  ain't  they  nice  ?  I'm  goin'  to  pick  some 
for  the  table  every  mornin,"  says  I,  takin'  'em  up 
for  her  to  smell  on. 

But  she  put  out  her  hand  to  push  'em  away, 
and  gasped  as  if  she  was  chokin'  to  death.  "  Aunt, 
Aunt !"  she  finally  managed  to  say,  "  I  must  beg 
you  not  to  arrange  any  more  flowers  for  the 
rooms  !  Your  absence  of  all  sense  of  the  esthetick 
is  pain  fid  !" 

"  Oh,  that's  it,  is  it  ?"  says  I.  '"  Wall,  p'raps  I 
am  lackin'  in  that  kind  o'  sense,  but  I've  got  some 
common  sense,  and  that's  what  yozi  need  bad ! 
Ain't  ye  'shamed,  Juliet  Harnden,  to  be  so  put 
out  with  a  little  innercent  bunch  o'  flowers  !  I 
know  it  would  be  diffikilt  to  fix  a  bokay  humly 
enough  to  go  with  this  room — I  declare  the  sight 
on't  is  enough  to  give  any  healthy  person  an 
emetick  !  If  you'd  foller  nater  you'd  do  better  ! 
Nater  can't  be  beat — not  as  a  gineral  thing,"  says 
I,  "  and  don't  you  forgit  it !" 

"  Oh,  you  don't  understand  !"  says  she,  givin 
me  a  witherin'  look.  "  Of  course  you  don't ;  how 
can  you  ?"  and  she  waved  her  hand  as  much  as  to 
say  "  what's  the  use  o'  talkin'  ?  Enough  said." 

But  my  dander  was  up.  Now  was  my  time  to 
give  her  that  overhaulin'  that  I'd  had  in  mind  so 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  153 

long.     So  I  looked  her  right  straight  in  the  eye 
and  begins  : 

"Juliet  Harnden,"  says  I,  "  was  you  ahvers  jest 
as  you  be  now  ?  I  didn't  know  you  when  you 
was  young"  says  I  (bearin'  on  to  the  young  a 
little  grain,  for  she  was  turnin'  twenty-five,  and  I 
could  see  she  winked).  "  Wa'n't  there  never  no 
time  when  you  looked  and  acted  nateral  ?  When 
you  put  up  your  back  hair  careless  in  the  mornin', 
ducked  your  face  all  over  in  cold  water,  put  on 
the  fust  gownd  that  come  handy,  and  slid  down 
the  bannisters  all  rosy  and  wide-awake  to  kiss 
your  par  and  mar  good  mornin'  ? 

"  Didn't  you  never  love  nobody  so's  you'd  be 
willin'  to  jump  inter  the  fire  for  'em  ?  Didn't  you 
never  hate  nobody  so's't  you'd  like  ter  cut  'em 
up  into  inch  pieces  !  Didn't  you  never  git  mad 
and  scratch,  nor  feel  bad  and  cry  whole  buckets 
o'  tears  !  Have  ye  got  any  heart  wc\&  feeliri s  any- 
way, sech  as  other  women  have  ? — that's  what  I 
want  to  know !"  says  I. 

I  stopped  for  want  o'  breath.  Her  eyes  was 
open  wider  'n  I'd  ever  seen  'em  afore  in  the  world, 
but  she  didn't  speak,  and  I  went  on.  "Juliet,"  says 
I,  "you  are  my  own  sister's  child,  and  I  want  tci 
see  ye  happy,  and  I  want  you  to  make  your  pai 
and  the  children  happy.  A  happy  home  is  wuth 
more'n  all  the  art  in  the  world.  And  the  color 
o'  the  chair  kivers,  the  picters  on  the  walls — even 
the  bokay  on  the  table  can't  make  nor  mar  it. 

"Juliet,"  says   I,  "your  par's  gittin'  old,  and' 
he   likes   his   ease   and  comfort   better'n    anteck 
lamps  and  artistick   furnitoor.     Them  .children, 


154  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

too,  would  have  more  fun  and  grow  faster,  in 
clo'es  that  they  could  romp  and  play  in,  if  they 
didn't  look  so  much  like  picters.  One  other  pint 
and  I'm  done.  It's  aginst  nater  for  a  smart,  high- 
sperited  young  man  like  John  Aiken,  to  stand 
bein'  put  down  and  set  on  for  any  length  o'  time, 
and  if  you  care  anything  about  him — and  you 
know  you  do — why  not  treat  him  different  ? 
Think  on't  Juliet,  think  on't !  I  want  you  to  be 
happy,"  says  I,  beginnin'  to  break  down — for  I'd 
made  a  long  speech  for  me — "and  what's  to 
hender  ?"  says  I,  then  I  bust  out  cryin'. 

Upon  that,  Juliet  riz  up  without  a  word,  and 
went  out  o'  the  room  very  still,  and  shet  the  door 
behind  her.  I  didn't  know  hardly  what  I'd  done, 
and  I  set  and  cried  for  sometime.  I'd  freed  my 
mind,  anyway — that  was  one  consolation. 

But  it  all  turned  out  for  the  best ;  for  at  dinner* 
time  Juliet  came  up  to  me  of  her  own  accord, 
and  kissed  me  quite  affectionate,  and  says  she 
"  Aunt  Ruthy,  you  was  right  about  some  things 
you  said  this  mornin'."  Not  another  word  ;  but 
that  was  a  good  deal  for  Juliet,  and  I  felt  encour- 
aged. 

I  come  home  a  little  while  after,  but  I  met 
Joshua  to'  Square  Bailey's  golden  weddin',  and  he 
said  how't  Juliet  wa»  a  new  girl,  and  I  was  the 
means  ont.  He  said  she  was  gittin'  to  be  a  fust 
rate  house-keeper,  and  they  all  took  heaps  o'  com- 
fort together.  They've  set  the  day  to  be  married, 
at  last — she  and  John  Aiken — and  they  insist  that 
I  shall  go  to  the  weddin'  whuther  or  no.  So  I've 
been  settin'  up  nights  lately,  to  git  the  second 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN   OLD   MAID,  155 

pair  o'  cream-colored  silk  stockin's  finished  off,  to 
carry  to  Juliet,  and  I  flatter  myself  that  them  ere 
stockin's  is  good  enough  for  any  girl  to  wear, 
whuther  she's  high  art  or  low  art,  or  only  jest 
common  folks. 


156  ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


SHE  GOES  WEST  IN  THE  SLEEPING 
CAR— THE  PUNKIN  SIFTER  MAN. 

Yes,  I've  been  out  West;  I  went  all  of  a  sud- 
den too,  as  you  might  say.  You  see,  the  fares  was 
'way  down  that  fall,  beyend  all  account,  and  they 
kep'  goin'  lower'n  lower,  till  bimeby,  when  it  got 
so's't  we  could  go  to  Chicago  for  five  dollars,  I 
says  to  mother,  "  Mother,  I  do  declare  that's 
cheaper'n  dirt !  I'm  a  good  mind  ter  start  and  go 
out  to  Illinoise  and  visit  sister  Gusty !" 

That  was  the  very  fust  word  I'd  said  about  it, 
and  it  struck  mother  all  of  a  heap;  but  after  think- 
in'  on't  over,  she  was  very  favorable. 

"  I  don't  s'pose  you'll  ever  have  a  better  chance," 
says  she. 

"  Taint  likely  I  ever  shall,"  says  I.  So  we  flew 
round  for  fear  the  fares  would  go  up  agin',  and  in 
a  few  days  I  was  all  ready  to  start. 

I'd  got  to  ride  two  nights,  and  mother  says  to 
me,  "  Ruth  Ann,  you'd  better  take  a  sleepin'  car 
and  go  comf'table.  I  should  hate  to  have  ye  git 
into  Chicago  all  tuckered  out." 

"Wall,"  says  I,  "  I  s'pose  I  might  as  well  go 
the  hull  figger  while  I'm  about  it ;  I  don't  travel 
West  every  day."  So  I  paid  another  five  dollars 
for  a  berth  as  they  called  it,  and  I  tell  you  I  didn't 
begrudge  it  nuther,  when  I  found  out  how  com- 
f'table it  was.  But  it  was  somethin'  new  to  me  ; 
I  wa'n't  never  in  one  afore. 

When  I  paid  the  conductor  for  it,  he  giv'  me 


HE    LOOKED   AT   MY    CHECK   AM)    PINTED   ON   AHEAD   TO  A   SKAT. 


(Page  158.) 

157 


1 58  ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

the  check  and  number  o'  my  section,  as  he  called 
it,  and  I  went  along  into  the  car  ;  but  I  couldn't 
see  nothin'  o'  no  bedroom  nor  no  place  to  sleep. 
It  looked  jest  like  any  other  car,  only  nicer.  So 
I  says  to  the  black  man  that  seemed  to  be  waitin' 
round  a-purpose  to  answer  folks'es  questions, 

"  Where's  my  section, — my  bedroom,  you 
know  ?"  He  looked  at  my  check  and  pinted  on 
ahead  to  a  seat.  "  That's  it,  marm,"  says  he.  "  We 
don't  make  up  the  beds  till  night,  unless  they're 
specially  wanted." 

"  Wall,  mine's  '  specially  wanted,' "  says  I.  "  But 
I  don't  see  no  bedstid  nor  nothin' — do  we  sleep 
on  the  floor  ?  I  ain't  a  goin'  to  pay  no  five  dol- 
lars extry  to  sleep  on  the  floor,  I  tell  you  now  !" 
says  I. 

"  Oh,  we  have  a  way  to  fix  it  butiful,  marm," 
says  he ;  and  he  pulled  out  a  kind  <rf  a  shelf  and 
showed  me  how  it  went. 

"  Wall,"  says  I,  "  s'pos'n  you  fix  it  now.  I  want 
my  room  in  order  to  once." 

"  Oh,  sartin,"  says  he,  grinnin'  from  ear  to  ear. 
"  But  do  you  wish  to  retire  so  early  in  the  day  ? 
I  hope  you  ain't  onwell,  marm !" 

"  Don't  you  worry  about  that ;  you  jest  go 
ahead  and  put  my  bedroom  in  order  as  I  tell  ye," 
says  I.  "  I  want  to  set  down  and  enjoy  myself." 

By  this  time  all  the  folks  in  the  car  was  lookin' 
at  us,  and  I  see  some  smilin'.  One  lady  steps 
for'ard  and  comes  up  close  to  me,  and  speaks  low, 
so'st  nobody  couldn't  hear  but  jest  me,  and  says 
she,  "  Madam,  you'll  excuse  me,  if  I  advise  you 
not  to  have  your  bed  made  up  now ;  it  isn't  cus- 
tomary, ye  know,  and  it  might  seem  queer  to  the 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MATD.  1 59 

rest  of  'em.  I  wouldn't  have  anything  done  till 
night  if  I  was  you,  and  then  you'll  find  it  all 
right,  I  can  promise  you.  I've  travelled  a  good 
deal,"  says  she.  "  Come  and  set  down  here  and 
look  out  o'  the  winder;  there's  lots  to  see." 

She  seemed  so  pleasant  and  friendly  that  I 
couldn't  dew  otherwise  than  thank  her  kindly  and 
take  her  advice.  So  I  told  the  waiter  he  might 
be  excused  for  the  present;  when  I  wanted  him, 
I'd  let  him  know. 

Wall,  I  enjoyed  the  ride  that  afternoon  real 
well,  and  'long  towards  night  I  eat  my  lunch,  and 
the  black  waiter — porter,  they  called  him — got  me 
a  cup  o'  tea,  and  it  made  me  as  good  a  supper  as  I 
wanted. 

Bimeby  it  grew  dark,  and  them  that  had  chil- 
dren along  with  'em  begun  to  have  their  beds 
made  up,  so  I  had  a  good  chance  to  see  jest  how 
it  was  done,  and  when  my  turn  come  I  knew  all 
about  it. 

There  was  curtins  to  let  down  all  round  the 
bed  as  cozy  as  you  pleas,e,  though  I  found  out 
pretty  quick  that  I  was  goin'  to  smother,  and  had 
to  open  the  winder  a  crack.  It  seemed  awful 
queer  at  fust,  and  I  thought  to  my  soul  I  should 
roll  out  onto  the  floor  in  spite  o'  hemp  ;  but  after 
a  while  I  got  used  to  the  motion  of  the  cars  and 
dropped  off  to  sleep. 

I  knew  we  should  go  through  the  Hoosack 
tunnil  right  in  the  middle  o'  the  night,  but  I 
meant  ter  see  it  all  the  same,  and  I  told  the  por- 
ter to  wake  me  up  jest  afore  we  got  to  it.  So 
about  'leven  o'clock  he  spoke  to  me  and  said  we 
was  jest  a  mile  from  the  entrance  o'  the  tunnil 


l6o  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

I  set  up  in  bed  and  looked  out  o'  the  winder, 
and  I  declare  I  wouldn't  a'  missed  seein'  that 
sight  for  no  'mount  o'  money !  It  was  a  clear, 
moonlight  night,  and  we  was  ridin'  through  a  sort 
of  valley  with  hills  on  both  sides  on't.  And  them 
hills  seemed  to  grow  bigger'n  bigger,  and  creep 
up  nearer'n  nearer,  till  finally  they  shet  us  in  like 
dunjin  walls.  Bimeby  there  wa'n't  no  sky  to  be  seen 
overhead  only  a  little  line  o'  light,  and  that  grew 
smaller'n  smaller  till  it  was  all  dark  everywheres. 
Then  the  injine  give  one  onearthly  shriek,  and 
we  plunged  and  dove  right  into  the  bowels  of  the 
mounting,  as  you  might  say  !  It  grew  deathly 
,:old,  and  damp  as  the  grave,  and  I  was  glad  to 
pull  the  bedclo'es  up  round  me. 

It  seemed  as  if  we  was  a  long  time  goin' 
through,  but  I  found  out  it  was  jest  fifteen  min- 
utes, and  the  tunnil  is  five  miles  long.  I  tell  you, 
I  felt  pretty  sollum  settin'  there  alone  in  the  mid, 
die  o'  the  night,  away  from  all  my  folks,  ridin'  at 
lightnin'  speed  through  the  insides  of  a  mounting  \ 
I  had  some  curis,  awful  thoughts.  Think's  I, 
"  what's  ter  hender  this  'ere  mounting  from  fallin' 
down  onto  us,  and  buryin'  us  all  up  alive  ?"  I  was 
thankful  enough  when  we  come  out  into  the 
blessed  moonlight  once  more,  I  tell  ye  !  But  it 
was  some  time  'fore  I  could  go  to  sleep  agin, 
and  when  I  did,  it  wa'n't  for  long.  1  guess  I 
hadn't  much  more'n  got  to  sleep  'fore  I  was  waked 
up  by  the  sound  o'  wimmin's  voices,  scoldin' 
away  to  a  great  rate. 

I  peeked  through  my  curtins,  and  I  see  two 
wimmin  and  two  children,  all  four  on  'em  loaded 
down  with  clo'es  and  luggage,  and  they  was  in  a 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN   OLD  MAID.  l6l 

terrible  stew.  It  seemed  the  sleepin'-car  they  was 
in  had  broke  down,  and  all  the  passengers  had  to 
leave  their  beds  and  find  places  in"  the  other 
cars. 

One  o'  the  wimmin,  the  one  that  talked  so  loud, 
was  a  great  fat  woman,  and  she  was  'busin'  the 
railroad  and  all  them  that  run  it.  How  she  did 
pile  it  on  to  'em  !  And  when  she  come  to  put 
the  girl  and  boy  to  bed  she  biled  over. 

"  Where's  Mary's  night-sack,  I  should  like  ter 
know?"  she  screamed  to  the  other  woman. 

"  I  dunno  more'n  you  do !"  says  the  other 
woman. 

"Jimmy's  night-shirt  is  gone  too,  and  both  the 
children's  stockin's  and  shoes  !" 

And  then  one  on  'em  lost  her  puss,  and  that 
was  wust  of  all,  and  they  tore  'round  'cordin'ly. 

The  porter  he  waited  on  'em  as  well's  he  could, 
and  promised  to  hunt  up  their  things,  and  so  on  ; 
but  itwa'n't  no  kindo'  use, — they  wouldn't  be  pas- 
sified. 

"A  Jot  o'  good  they'll  do  us,  after  these 
poor  children  L  ive  to  go  into  Chicago  nakid  !" 
says  the  fat  woman.  "And  where's  the  money  to 
buy  'em  some  more,  with  the  puss  gone — that's 
what  I  want  to  know  !"  says  she. 

To  make  a  long  story  short,  after  they'd  waked 
up  everybody  in  the  car  with  their  hullabaloo,  and 
got  some  o'  the  men  to  swearin',  they  found  their 
things — puss  and  all — jest  where  they  put  'em,  I 
think  's  likely,  and  they  did  simmer  down  the 
quickest  !  We  didn't  hear  another  word  out  o' 
their  heads  that  night. 

Next  mornin'  it  was  interestin'  to  see  the  folk-0 


*  62  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

corne  out  o'  their  berths  and  dress  themselves,  and 
so  on.  Some  couldn't  find  nothin'  they  wanted, 
and  some  o'  the  men  and  boys  got  their  shoes 
changed,  or  lost  them  altogether.  I  got  up  real 
early  and  washed  and  dressed  me,  and  had  my  bed 
put  out  o'  the  way,  and  then  set  down  with  my 
knittin'  to  watch  the  rest. 

I  could  tell  an  old  bachelder  the  minute  he 
stepped  out  o'  his  berth  ;  he  seemed  handy  about 
dressin'  himself,  you  know.  But  la,  how  awkerd 
the  married  men  that  hadn't  their  wives  along, 
was  !  They'd  tug  away  at  the  buttons  and  neck- 
ties till  they  got  sweaty  and  red  in  the  face. 

I  noticed  one  man  in  partick'lar.  He  was 
a-tryin'  to  get  his  necktie  right.  I  watched  the 
great  bunglin'  creatur'  till  I  fairly  got  narvous, 
and  I  couldn't  stand  it  no  longer.  I  threw  down 
my  knittin'  and  went  over  to  him,  and  says  I, 
"  Do  le'mme  fix  your  necktie  for  ye,  now  !"  He 
looked  as  pleased  as  could  be,  and  says  he, 
"Thank  you,  madam;  I  find  I  miss  my  darter 
'bout  these  fixin's." 

Come  to  git  up  close  to  him  he  wa'n't  so  old  a 
man  as  I  s'posed  he  was  from  his  head's  bein'  so 
bald  on  top.  He  couldn't  a'  been  much  older'n 
what  I  was,  and  I  felt  ruther  cheap.  But  I  tied 
as  harnsome  a  bow-not  as  I  could  and  made  him 
kind  of  a  kerchey  and  went  back  to  my  knittin'. 

Bimeby,  all  them  that  wanted  to  went  out  into 
the  dinin'-car  for  breakfast.  The  fat  woman  and 
the  two  children  went  along,  but  the  other  woman 
stayed  behind.  When  the  fat  woman  come  back, 
you  orter  heard  her  go  on  about  it. 

"  That  dinin'-car,"  says  she,  •'  is  a  mean,  swin- 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  163 

dlin'  humbug — jest  of  a  piece  with  all  the  rest  o' 
the  doin's  on  this  miser'ble  road. 

"  They  have  the  face  out  there,"  says  she,  "  to 
charge  seventy-five  cents  whuther  you  eat  their 
breakfast  or  not.  All  I  wanted  was  a  cup  o' 
coffy  and  a  biskit,  and  I  told  'em  so  ;  but  that 
sassy  nigger  kep'  sayin'  '  seventy-five  cents, 
madam — all  same — seventy-five  cents  for  break- 
fast, madam  !'  My  explainin'  didn't  do  no  sort 
o'  good  ;  so  when  I  found  they  was  goin'  to  charge 
me  full  price  any  way,  I  was  bound  I'd  eat  that 
bill  o'  fare  clear  through  if  it  killed  me  !  And  I 
did,"  says  she,  "  and  I  drinked  two  cups  o'  coffy, 
and  I  feel  like  death — expect  nothin'  but  I  shall 
have  one  o'  my  dretful  bilyous  turns  to  pay  for 
it!" 

Wall,  that  man  I  tied  the  necktie  for  went  out 
to  breakfast  too.  and  what  do  you  think  he  come 
luggin'  along  back  to  me  ?  A  great  plate  o'  the 
nicest  of  everything,  and  a  nigger  follerin'  on 
behind  with  a  cup  o'  coffy  and  a  dish  o'  fruit ! 

"  I  thought  mebby  you  didn't  feel  like  goin 
out,  marm,"  says  he,  "and  I  hope  you'll  be  so 
kind  as  to  accept  these  vittles.  One  good  turn 
desarves  another,  you  know,"  says  he.  I  was  so 
.flustered  that  I  didn't  know  what  to  say,  but  I 
jtried  to  thank  him  somehow.  Afterwards  I  asked 
the  woman  that  said  she  was  used  to  travellin'  if 
she  thought  'twas  proper  for  me  to  take  the 
things,  and  if  I  hadn't  orter  offer  to  pay  for  'em. 

She  laughed,  and  says  she,  "  Take  all  you  can 
<rit.  The  old  chap  looks  as  if  he  was  akin'  to 
spend  his  money.  He's  rich  as  mud,  I  know. 
Let  him  spend  it  if  he  wants  tew." 


It>4  ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

"  But,"  says  I,  "his  wife — she  may  be  savin'. 
I'm  'fraid  she  mightn't  like  it." 

"  His  wife  !"  says  she.  "  Don't  you  fret ; 
mebby  he  hain't  got  none.  Didn't  you  see  that 
crape  on  his  hat  ?" 

"  No,  I  didn't,"  says  I. 

I  couldn't  help  feelin'  kinder  worked  up,  and  I 
delarmined  to  steer  clear  o'  that  man  the  rest  o' 
the  time  if  it  was  a  possible  thing.  So  I  set  and 
knit  away  industrious  all  day,  and  tended  to  my 
own  meals  promp',  so  he  didn't  git  no  chance  to 
do  anything  more  for  me  if  he'd  wanted  to.  But 
'long  towards  night,  I  was  lookin'  out  o'  the 
winder  (I  had  laid  by  my  knittin',  for  the  heel 
was  ready  to  set,  and  I  thought  I'd  let  it  be  till 
lamp-light) — I  was  lookin'  out  o'  the  winder,  as  I 
said,  and  kinder  dreamin'  an^  thmkin',  when  some- 
body comes  along  and  stands  still  right  beside  o1 
my  seat.  I  don't  s'pose  you'll  believe  me,  but  be- 
fore I  turned  'round  to  see  who  it  was,  I  felt  in 
my  very  bones  that  it  was  my  necktie  man  !  And 
it  was  ;  and  pretty  soon  he  spoke,  and  says  to  me 
very  respeckful, 

"  Madam,  you  remind  me  of  a  friend  o'  mine, 
so  strong,  that  I  hope  you'll  pardin  me  if  I  in- 
quire your  name." 

I  told  him  my  name. 

"Mrs.?"  says  he. 

"  No ;  Miss,"  says  I,  my  cheeks  burnin'  like  a 
live  coal.  Then  he  set  down  on  the  seat  facin1 
me. 

"  Ain't  it  ruther  dull  settin'  alone  ?"  says  he. 

"Why,  no,"  says  I.      "I  hadn't  thought  on't." 

"  You  hain't  the  same  name  as  the  friend  I 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  1 65 

spoke  on,"  he  continners,  "but  you  do  look 
enough  like  her  to  be  a  twin  sister.  Perhaps  you 
be  related.  Her  name  was  Dorsey — Polly  Dor- 
sey — and  she  was  my  wife's  second  cousin." 

"  So  he  has  got  a  wife,"  thinks  I  to  myself,  and 
I  answers  up  pretty  stiff  and  haughty, 

"  No,  sir,"  says  I,  "  I  ain't  no  relation  to  her— 
more'n  Adam  !"     Then  I  picked  up  my  knittin'- 
work  and  says  I,  "  I  wish  to  massy  this  'ere  heel 
was  set,  so's  't  I  could  have  somethin'  to  dew." 

He  looked  at  me  kinder  bewildered  as  if  he 
didn't  hardly  know  what  to  make  o'  my  remark, 
and  says  he,  "Oh  !" 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  "  I  alwers  like  to  have  my  knit- 
tin'  when  I  hain't  nothin'  to  think  on  ;  it's  com- 
pany." 

He  hitched  around  in  his  seat  a  little  oneasy 
and  says  he,  "  I — I  hope  I  don't  intrude,  marm  ?" 

He  said  it  so  gentle  and  dignerfied  that  I  felt  a 
little  'shamed  o'  myself.  "  Oh,  no,"  says  I,  "  not 
at  all,  sir." 

"  You  women  have  ruther  the  advantage  of  us 
men,"  he  went  on.  "You  can  help  along  the 
lonesone  hours  in  so  many  little  ways,"  pintin'  to 
my  knittin'-work.  "  If  I  could  only  knit  now," 
says  he,  laugh  in'. 

I  laughed  too,  the  idee  was  so  redickerlous. 

"How  does  it  happen,"  says  I,  "that  you're 
tnivellin'  alone  ?  I  sh'd  thought  you'd  took  your 
wife  along,  for  company,  if  nothin'  more.  But 
mebby  travellin'  don't  agree  with  her  ?"  says  I. 

"My  wife  is  dead,  marm"  says  he,  soft  and 
solluin.  "  She's  been  dead  now  goin'  on  three 
year."  » 


l65  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

\  was  dumfoundered  !  I  picked  up  my  stockin1 
and  begun  to  knit  away  like  all  perscsst ;  I  didn't 
care  if  the  heel  wa'n't  set ! 

Nary  one  on  us  spoke  agin  for  some  minutes. 
I  dunno  3s  I  should  a'  spoke  till  this  time  if  he 
hadn't  took  out  his  handkerchif  and  blowed  his 
nose  like  the  last  trumpit.  That  kinder  started 
me  up  and  brought  me  tew,  as  it  were,  so  that 
by  clearin'  my  throat  a  number  o'  times  I  man- 
aged to  say,  "  How  dretful  bad  it  must  be  to  lose 
a  pardner  !"  and  so  on.  Then  we  both  made  a 
business  o'  lookin'  out  the  winder  for  quite  a 
while. 

Finally  he  turns  to  me  and  says  he,  "  Tain't  no 
more'n  fair,  to  tell  you  my  name  now,  seein'  's 
you've  told  yourn." 

"Wall,  I  dunno  's  I'm  very  partick'ler,"  says  I, 
knittin'  away.  I  was  dyin'  to  know  all  about 
him,  but  I  didn't  want  to  be  bold  nor  for'ard,  so 
I  says,  "  I  dunno  's  I'm  very  partick'ler." 

"  My  name,"  says  my  necktie  man,  layin'  his 
hand  on  to  his  chist  with  as  graceful  a  gestur'  as 
I  ever  sees, — "  My  name  is  one  I  ain't  ashamed  to 
own.  I  am  Hannibal  Hawkins — Major  Hanni- 
bal Hawkins,  of  Pnnkinville ;  and  I  am  the  pole 
and  only  inventor,  perprietor,  and  owner  of  the 
celerbrated  Hawkins  Punkin'  Sifter  !"  So  sayin'; 
he  riz  up  till  he  was  six  feet  tall  or  more,  and 
bent  over  and  made  me  a  harnsome  bow  ! 

I  declare  I  was  overcome !  Jest  to  think,  there 
was  that  old  punkin'  sifter  of  mother's  to  home, 
that  I'd  used  this  ten  year,  and  his  very  identikle 
name  on  it  in  black  letters !  I'd  read  it  to  my- 
self a  thousand  times — "Hannibal  Hawkins!" 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  167 

and  h(re  was  the  man  standin'  before  me  !  I  fell- 
as if  we'd  been  acquainted  all  our  lives. 

"  I  wan'  ter  know,"  says  I,  as  soon  as  I  could 
make  out  to  speak, — "  I  wan'  ter  know  if  you're 
the  punkin'  sifter  man  !  Why,  we've  used  one  o' 
your  sifters  to  home  a  good  many  year.  Couldn't 
keep  house  without  it.  I'm  sure  I'm  real  glad  to 
make  your  'quaintance,  Mister  Hawkins." 

He  was  pleased  enough.  "  Why,  yes,"  says  he, 
rubbin'  his  hands,  "you  'n  me  orter  be  friends, 
sartin  !"  Then  he  set  down  agin,  this  time  beside 
o'  me,  and  'fore  long  he  knew  all  about  my  folks, 
and  I  his'n. 

Wall,  to  cut  my  story  short,  ihe  next  day,  when 
we  got  to  Chicago,  he  said  he  was  goin'  to  be  in 
the  city  some  little  time,  and  asked  leave  to  call 
on  sister  Gusty  and  me.  So  I  told  him  where  to 
find  us,  and  we  shook  hands  and  parted. 

When  I  come  to  look  at  my  knittin',  it  'most  set 
me  into  fits !  As  true  as  I  live,  that  'ere  stockin' 
leg  was  as  long  as  a  pillar  ca«e,  and  not  a  sign  oi 
*  heel  set  to  it  I 


1 68  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 


IN  CHICAGO. 

When  I  got  to  Chicago,  I  was  pretty  tired, 
I  never  felt  happier  in  my  life.  You  see  the 
punkin'  sifter  man  had  made  it  real  pleasant  for 
me  ;  and,  between  you'n  me,  there  is  somethin' 
in  knowin'  that  somebody  kinder  likes  ye,  that 
warms  the  heart  like  a  cup  o'  tea,  now  ain't  there  ? 

T  told  Gusty  all  about  him,  and  we  expected  a 
call  from  him  right  away,  but  he  didn't  come. 
Two  or  three  weeks  went  by,  and  still  he  didn't 
come,  and  finally  we  had  to  give  him  up.  I  didn't 
know  what  to  think.  Gusty  did,  and  she  says 
to  me,  "  Ruth  '  Ann,  you've  jest  got  dretfully 
'  took  in,'  that's  all.  I  know  the  men — you  can't 
put  no  dependence  on  'em.  It's  out  o'  sight,  out 
o'  mind  with  them  !"  and  so  on  and  so  forth. 

"Gusty,"  says  I,  ".is  that  the  way  with  your 
husband  ?"  (Everybody  knows  her  husband  is  a 
perfeck  slave  to  her — a  good  man  too,  if  ever 
there  was  one.) 

"Why,  no,"  says  Gusty,  "  I  can't  say's  I've  got 
any  fault  to  find  with  George  Henry." 

"Wall,  then,"  says  I,  "don't,  for  pity's  sake, 
speak  that  way  !  If  a  woman's  got  a  decent  hus- 
band, she  orter  make  a  pint  o'  stickin'  up  for 
mankind  in  gineral  to  pay  for't.  As  for  me, 
mebby  I've  got  '  took  in,'  and  mebby  I  hain't. 
There  ain't  no  bones  broke,  and  if  there  was 
'twouldn't  mend  'em  to  'buse  the  men.  But  one 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  169 

thing,  Gusty, — the  less  said  about  it  to  me  the  bet- 
ter." That  was  the  end  on't ;  only  in  my  own 
mind  I  sollumly  believed  in  Hannibal  Hawkins, 
and  fully  expected  he'd  turn  up  some  day  and 
make  it  all  right. 

Did  you  ever  go  to  Chicago  ?  If  not,  you 
never  went  nowheres,  as  you  might  say. 

"  Boston  ?"  Boston's  well  enough  ;  I  love  Bos- 
ton. But  you  take  one  of  her  streets  and  double 
it  in  vvedth,  and  pjece  it  out  a  few  mile  in  length, 
and  you  have  a  street  in  Chicago.  Then  make 
all  the  grand  stores  grander  and  bigger.  And  set 
a  lawger-beer  saloon,  with  a  sign  o'  the  Dutchman 
holdin'  up  a  mug  o'  beer  and  lookin'  at  it,  between 
every  third  or  fourth  store,  and  you  have  a  street 
in  Chicago. 

You  might  add  to  this,  a  bad  smell,  plenty  o' 
mud,  and  crowds  of  very  good-natered,  perlite 
folks.  One  thing  I  want  to  say  right  here  about 
the  Chicago  wimmin.  They  hain't  got  no  bigger 
feet  than  Boston  wimmin !  I  took  partick'lar 
pains  to  notice. 

I  went  round  sight-seein'  a  good  deal  with  Ned, 
Gusty's  little  boy ;  he  knew  the  hull  city  like  a 
book,  and  bein'  it  was  vacation,  he  was  right  on 
hand  for  goin'.  One  day  he  took  me  into  a 
Chinese  laundry.  It  was  'way  down  sutler,  where 
they  had  to  keep  the  gas  burnin'  all  the  time  to 
see.  They  didn't  mind  nothin'  'bout  our  comin' 
in  :  they  knew  Ned,  he'd  been  there  a  good  many 
times.  They  grinned  when  they  see  him,  and 
kep'  right  on  with  their  work.  One  on  'em  was 
sprinklin'  clo'es — I  s'pose  he  called  it.  He  bad  a 
hull  mess  o'  clo'es  on  a  table,  and  he  kcp'  a  turn- 


170  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

in'  on  'em  ovcr'n  over,  squirtin'  the  water  out  on 
to  'em  from  between  his  teeth,  somehow.  It 
looked  curis  enough,  but  awful  shifless,  'cordin1 
to  my  way  o'  thinkin'.  There  was  two  more 
ironin',  and  one  seemed  to  be  cookin'  somethin' 
on  the  stove.  I  was  alwers  interested  in  the 
hethin' — used  to  think  I'd  like  to  go  missionary- 
in' ;  and  when  I  looked  round  on  them  poor  be- 
nited  creetur's,  I  felt  for  'em.  To  think  they 
didn't  even  know  how  to  sprinkle  clo'es  in  a 
decent  Christian  way  ! 

I  went  up  to  the  table  where  the  two  men  was 
ironin'  and  says  to  one  of  'em,  "  My  good  friend, 
do  you  know  who  made  you  ?" 

He  set  his  iron  down  quick's  a  flash,  and  bowed 
very  perlite  way  down  to  the  floor :  then  he 
dusted  off  a  stool  with  his  big  sleeve  and  offered 
it  to  me  to  set  on,  but  he  didn't  speak  a  single 
word.  I  says  agin,  a  little  louder  and  speakin  's 
plain  as  I  could,  "  Do  you  know  who  made  you  ?" 

The  man  shook  his  head  and  bowed  himself 
down  to  the  floor  agin.  "No  speakee  Melican," 
says  he,  and  pinted  to  the  man  sprinklin'  clo'es. 
So  I  goes  over  to  him  and  asks,  "  How  long  have 
you  been  in  this  country  ?" 

"  Oh,  velly  long  timee,"  holdin'  up  his  fingers, 
one,  two,  fou*\ 

"  Do  you  know  who  made  you  ?"  He  smiled 
very  innercent-like,  nodded  his  head,  and  went  on 
squirtin'. 

"  See  here  !"  says  I,  forgittin'  all  about  who 
made  him,  "  dew  let  me  show  you  how  to 
sprinkle  clo'es  like  a  civilized  bein' !"  And  I  put 
my  hand  into  the  bowl  and  showed  him  how 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  I? I 

My  stars  !  you  orter  see  that  Chinyman  jump 
and  hyper  round  !  His  pigtail  flopped  'most  up  to 
the  plasterin' !  He  seemed  to  think  I  was  goin' 
to  wet  him,  and  I  guess  water  is  somethin'  they 
don't  'low  ter  touch  only  in  the  way  o'  business. 

When  he  see  I  only  threw  it  over  the  clo'es,  he 
carmed  down,  and  smiled  and  nodded  his  head. 
"  Velly  good,  velly  £Ood,"  he  said, 

Jest  then  another  big  Chinee  that  I  hadn't  seen 
afore,  and  a  little  boy,  come  in,  each  on  'em 
bringin'  a  dish  o'  somethin'  steamin'  hot  that 
they  put  on  the  table.  I  says  to  the  big  one, 
"  Be  you  a  man  or  a  woman  ?"  for  they  was  all 
dressed  pretty  much  alike  in  long  frocks  with 
great  floppin'  sleeves  to  'em.  They  all  laughed 
when  I  asked  that  question,  and  the  big  fat  one 
pinted  fust  to  herself  and  then  to  me,  and  says,  "  I 
samee  lady — allee  samee  lady."  I  was  glad  to 
hear  that,  and  I  shook  hands  with  her  and  felt 
more  to  home. 

We  stopped  to  see  'em  eat  dinner.  They 
wa'n't  a  mite  bashful,  and  they  grinned  at  us  and 
seemed  mitily  tickled.  I  must  say  they  was  as 
civil,  good-natered  folks  as  I  ever  come  acrost,  if 
they  was  hethiri . 

There  didn't  seem  to  be  but  two  kinds  o'  vit- 
tles.  There  was  a  big  dish  o'  rice,  and  another 
of  cabbage,  all  tore  up  into  little  pieces,  with  a 
mess  o'  ile  poured  over  it.  They  brought  up 
their  stools  all  to  once,  and  set  down  together. 
Each  one  took  a  little  bowl  of  rice  and  hild  it 
close  under  his  chin,  and  opened  his  mouth  and 
pushed  the  rice  in  with  two  round  sticks,  and 
kep'  a  pushin'  on't  in  till  his  mouth  was  runnin' 


172  ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

over  full,  as  if  it  had  been  a  rat  hole  he  was  stop- 
pin'  up  !  They  never  chewed  a  mite  nor  shet 
their  jaws  together  till  they  had  put  in  a  bowlful ! 

"  But,  after  all,"  thinks  I  to  myself,  "  I've  seen 
good  Christian  church  members  to  church  suppers 
show  wuss  table  manners  than  what  these  hethin 
Chinymen  do." 

As  long  as  they  couldn't  understand  me  very 
well  I  thought  I  wouldn't  try  to  improve  'em  any 
more,  and  we  left  'em  to  finish  their  dinner  in 
their  own  way. 

After  that  we  went  into  a  bird  store,  where  they 
kep  all  kinds  o'  birds  and  a  good  many  animals, 
specially  monkeys.  There  was  one  man  there 
lookin'  at  the  monkeys,  that  thought  he  knew  all 
about  monkeys  and  the  human  race,  too.  He 
talked  all  the  time  stiddy  to  somebody,  and  final- 
ly he  fastened  on  to  me. 

"  Madam,"  says  he,  "  I'm  a  Darwinyan."  Then 
he  went  on  to  tell  how  our  forefathers  and  fore- 
mothers  way  back  was  monkeys  and  baboons,  till 
I  got  all  out  o'  patience  with  him.  I  tried  to  shet 
him  up  or  git  away  from  him,  but  he  kept  foller- 
in'  me  round  and  talk,  talkin'.  Finally,  we  stopped 
before  an  old  gray-headed  monkey,  with  a  smooth 
face,  that  did  look  jest  like  a  human  bein',  I  must 
confess. 

The  Darwin  man  pinted  to  the  monkey  and 
turned  to  me  with  a  look  of  triump'.  "  There  !'' 
says  he,  significant. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  says  I,  lookin'  fust  at  the  monkey, 
and  then  at  him,  "I  dew  see  a  strikin  resem- 
blance! He  does  look  enough  like  ye  to.be  youl 
twin  brother,  that's  a  fact !" 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  1/3 

He  didn't  stay  long  after  that,  and  he  let  me 
alone.  I  guess  he  Was  satisfied ;  he'd  carried  his 
pint  anyway ' 

After  Tcf  been  in  the  city  quite  a  spell  and 
knew  my  way  round  some,  I  used  to  go  out  shop- 
pin'  alone.  One  day  I'd  been  tradin'  in  a  great 
dry  goods  store — the  biggest  in  the  city — and 
was  jest  thinkin'  I'd  got  'bout  through,  when,  in 
passin'  by  the  lace  department,  my  eye  lit  on  to  a 
harnsome  lace  shawl  hangin'  up  for  show.  I'm 
dretful  fond  o'  nice  laces,  and  I  dew  enjoy  to  see 
'em,  if  I  can't  wear  'em.  Wall,  I  was  lookin'  at 
that  shawl,  kinder  idle,  not  thinkin'  of  anything 
in  particular,  when  a  man  stepped  up  to  me  and 
clapped  his  hand  on  to  my  shoulder,  and  turnin' 
to  a  clerk  standin'  by,  he  says,  "  Here's  my 
woman,  Davis." 

I  was  awful  scairt,  and  I  tried  to  twitch  away , 
but  he  hild  on  to  me.  I  knew  somethin'  was 
wrong,  and  as  quick  as  I  could  git  my  breath  so's 
to  speak  carm  and  rashinal,  I  looked  the  man 
right  in  the  face,  and  says  I,  "  You're  mistaken, 
sir  ;  I  ain't  your  woman  nor  anybody's  else.  I 
never  was  married."  You  see  I  didn't  know  but 
his  wife,  or  somebody's  wife,  had  run  away,  and 
he  was  after  her — but  he  laughed,  and  so  did  the 
other  man. 

"  Mister,"  says  I  agin,  "  I  don't  know  you,  but 
I  see  by  your  coat  you're  a  perliceman,— won't 
you  be  so  kind  as  to  tell  me  what  I've  been  a'  do- 
in'  of?  I'm  a  stranger  here,  and  like  enough  I've 
broke  some  o'  your  rules  without  knowin'  on't," 
says  I,  tryin'  hard  to  keep  from  cryin'. 

That  perliceman  he  jest  shet  up  one  big  eye 


A     MAN     STEPPED    UP    TO    ME    AND    CLAPPED    HIS    HAND    ON    TO    Ml 
SHOULDER,    AND   HE   SAYS,    "HERE'S   MY   WOMAN."      (Page  173.) 

174 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  1?$ 

and  looked  at  me  out  o'  t'other,  and  says  he,  "  Oh, 
we  all  know  how  innercent  you  be,  we  do ;  that's 
why  we  call  ye  '  Simple  Susan,'  ye  know  Come 
along  Susan,  I've  seenjy<?w  before." 

"  I  never  see  you  before,  and  I  hope  to  massy 
I  never  shall  agin !"  says  I,  gettin'  mad  at  bein' 
spoke  to  so.  "And,  moreover,  I  want  you  to 
understand  that  my  name  aint  "Simple  Susan" 
nor  nothin'  like  it ;  and  I  won't  go  one  step  out 
o'  this  store  with  ye,  till  you  tell  me  what  for  and 
where  tew — not  if  you  pull  me  to  pieces !" 
says  I. 

"  Where  tew  and  what  for?"  says  the  perlice- 
man.  "  For  stealin  a  $200  lace  shawl  right  here 
yesterday  afternoon — and  you're  goin'  to  the 
lock-up.  Now  you  know  jest  as  well  as  you  did 
afore,"  and  they  both  laughed  as  if  it  was  a  good 
joke. 

"  Where's  the  man  that  owns  this  store  ?  I 
should  like  to  see  him,"  says  I. 

They  sent  for  him,  and  he  come  right  along. 
He  was  a  great  noble  lookin'  man,  and  he  had  a 
good  face  ;  I  took  to  him  to  once. 

"Mister,"  says  I,  "can  these  men  take  me  off 
•  to  the  lobby  when  I  haint  done  nothin'  ?  Can't 
you  tell  me  what  to  dew  ?" 

He   looked    me  over   carm    and  serious.     "  I 

.  should  say  at  fust  sight  it  was  '  Simple  Susan,' 

sartin',"  says  he ;  "  but  after  all,  there's  somethin' 

about  her  that  makes  me  think  she  ain't  no  thief. 

Perhaps  we're  mistakened,  Davis." 

"  Oh,  I  beg  pardin,  sir,"  speaks  up  the  perlice- 
man,  touchin5  his  hat,  "  but  I  should  know  the 
woman  in  Afriky.  Her  picter's  been  in  the  Rogue  3 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Gallery  for  years.  Lord,  sir,  the  more  innercent 
they  look,  the  wuss  they  be  !  I  know  'em !" 

"  Oh,  you  dew !"  thinks  I,  growin'  madder 
every  minnit. 

"  Mister  perliceman,"  says  I,  "  'taint  the  wust 
thing  in  the  world  to  look  innercent,  but  its  better 
to  be  so.  And  unless  your  looks  belie  ye,  your 
own  picter  orter  be  hangin'  in  that  ere  gallery 
you  spoke  on."  The  other  men  smiled  a  little, 
and  he  turned  red's  fire.  "  Wall,"  says  he,  scowl- 
in'  at  me  awful  fierce,  "  I  can't  stand  round  here 
all  day ;  I  guess  you'll  have  to  come  with  me." 

Mister  Flood  (I  found  out  afterwards  that  was 
the  store-keeper's  name),  he  looked  at  me  onde- 
cided  and  troubled.  "  There  don't  seem  to  be  no 
other  way  jest  now,"  says  he,  "  but  I'll  call  round 
and  see  you  bimeby,  and  if  you're  the  honest 
woman  I  more'n  half  believe  you  to  be,  we'll 
find  some  way  out  o'  this." 

I  was  so  dumfounded  and  mad,  and  shamed, 
that  all  I  could  think  or  dew  was  to  wish  the  airth 
would  open  and  swaller  me  !  Me  bein'  took  off 
to  the  lobby — for  stealiri  f  The  tears  come  so 
fast  I  couldn't  see  to  walk,  and  I  went  stumblin' 
along.  I  s'pose  everybody  thought  I  was  a 
drunken  woman. 

The  fust  rashional  thought  I  had  was,  "  What 
would  my  friend  Hannibal  Hawkins  say,  if  he  see 
me  now !  I  happened  to  look  up  jest  at  that 
pint  o'  time,  and  there,  comin'  straight  towards 
us  as  fast  as  his  long  legs  could  fetch  him,  his  eyes 
stickin'  out  of  his  head  with  astonishment,  was 
the  very  person  I  had  in  mind — my  punkin-sifter 
man  / 


ADVENTURES   OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  1 77 

When  \ve  come  up  with  one  n'other,  of  course 
he  see  by  my  tears  and  so  on,  and  by  the  com- 
pany I  was  in,  that  somethin'  dretful  had  hap- 
pened. He  grabbed  my  hand,  and  says  he,  "ft 
//  thus  we  meet  at  last !  What  is  wrong  with  you 
my  friend,  what  is  wrong  ?" 

The  perliceman  and  I,  we  explained  together  ; 
only  our  stories  didn't  exackly  tally,  and  the  per- 
liceman ordered  him  to  "  make  himself  scarce, 
and  not  interfere  with  an  officer  o'  justice  in  the 
discharge  of  his  dooty  !" 

Mister  Hawkins  he  drawed  himself  up  to  his 
full  statur'  of  feet  and  inches,  and  says  he,  "  I  will 
accompany  this  lady  to  the  place  o'  her  desterna- 
tion  and  find  out  a  way  to  sarve  her." 

He  looked  so  grand  and  so  detarmined  that  the 
perliceman  didn't  see  fit  to  objeck,  and  we  all 
went  along  together. 

Wall,  when  we  got  to  the  lobby  buildin',  who 
should  be  standin'  on  the  steps  waitin'  for  us  but 
Mister  Flood  and  brother-in-law  George  Henry  ! 
So  I  didn't  have  to  be  locked  up  after  all ! 

You  see  when  I  went  away  with  the  perliceman 
I  left  my  bag  behind  in  the  store,  and  Mister 
Flood  in  lookin'  over  its  contints  found  George 
Henry's  business  card,  and  he  happened  to  know 
him  well.  So  he  took  the  card  and  bag  over  to 
his  store,  post-haste,  and  they  started  out  after  us 
together. 

George  Henry  laughed  at  me  for  bein'  so 
stoopid  as  not  to  think  to  tell  who  I  was,  and 
where  a  visitin'.  It  was  stoopid,  sure  enough, 
but  I  was  so  worked  up  I  couldn't  think  o'  nothin', 


i;8  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

Perhaps  he  would  a  been  jest  as  stoopid  in  my 
place. 

Wall,  then  I  interdooced  the  punkin'-sifter 
man,  and  he  explained  how  he  found  a  telegraph 
waitin'  for  him  that  mornin'  we  'rived  together  in 
Chicago,  sayin'  his  mother  was  dyin',  and  he  went 
right  back  home.  But  he  hadn't  never  forgot 
me,  and  as  soon  as  he  could,  he  started  agin  for 
the  West ;  and  here  he  was,  carpet  bag  in  hand, 
as  grand  and  harnsome  as  ever !  I  felt  proud 
enough  I  tell  ye,  and  I  crowed  over  Gusty  well. 
It  had  all  come  out  jest  as  I  had  faith  to  believe 
it  would,  hadn't  it  ? 

When  George  Henry  come  home  that  night  he 
said,  how't  they'd  got  the  real  thief — the  real 
Simple  Susan — this  time.  "And  I  have  seen  her 
picter,"  says  he,  "and  I  do  declare  for't,  Ruth 
Ann,  you  dew  look  enough  alike  to  be  twins  /  I 
couldn't  blame  nobody  after  I  see  that  picter !" 

I  lay  awake  half  the  night  thinkin'  how  curis  it 
all  was,  and  wonderin'  if  I  couldn't  do  somethin' 
to  help  that  woman  that  looked  so  much  like  me. 
I  was  so  happy  myself  that  I  couldn't  bear  to 
think  of  misery  comin'  to  any  other  woman. 
"  She  can't  enjoy  sech  a  business,"  thinks  I  to 
myself.  "  I  know  now  how  it  feels  to  be  took 
up  for  stealin',  and  I'm  sure  she  can't  enjoy 
it." 

In  the  mornin'  I  says  to  George  Henry : 
"  George  Henry,  I  want  you  to  take  me  over  to 
the  lobby  and  let  me  see  that  woman.  I  believe 
it  is  my  dooty  to  go  to  her." 

Fust,  he  said  how't  I  shouldn't  do  no  sech 
thing  ;  and  Gusty,  she  begged  on  me  not  to  go. 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  179 

"  It's  a  disgraceful  thing  from  beginnin'  to  end," 
says  she,  "and  to  do  that  would  be  wust  of  all. 
I  wouldn't  go  nigh  her.  What  would  Mister 
Hawkins  say  ?" 

Knowin'  how  good  he  was,  I  knew  well  enough 
what  he  would  say.  "  He  set  me  an  example  of 
bein'  good  to  thieves,"  says  I,  half  laughin',  half 
cryin',  "  and  I  mean  to  foller  it ;  I'm  a  goin'," 
says  I. 

"  Wall,  if  you  must  go,  dew  for  pity's  sake  put 
on  a  thick  vail,"  says  Gusty.  So  I  did,  and  we 
went  along. 

I  think's  likely  you  never  happened  to  meet  a 
person  that  looked  so  much  like  ye  that  you  had 
to  pinch  yourself  to  find  out  which  was  which,  as 
it  were  ;  so  you  can't  imagine  how  queer  I  felt 
when  I  see  "  Simple  Susan." 

She  seemed  to  feel  queer  tew,  for  when  I  took 
off  my  vail  she  drawed  in  her  breath,  and  says  she, 
with  a  curis  smile,  "  I  heerd  'bout  you  bein'  took 
for  me  yesterday  ;  I  do  hope  you  won't  feel  lifted 
np  on  account  o'  lookin'  like  the  celerbr cited  thief, 
1  Simple  Susan,' "  says  she,  sarkastical.  "  Strange, 
ain't  it,  that  a  woman  can  look  innercent  as  a  baby 
and  be  a  thief — and  a  smart  one,  too  !" 

"  Oh,  don't  brag  on't ;  don't  Susan  !"  says  I,  "  it 
makes  me  feel  bad." 

"  If  you  come  here  to  preach  you  can  go  'long 
quick's  you  please,"  says  she  ;  and  there  was  a 
turrible  hard  look  in  her  eyes. 

"  I  didn't  come  to  preach,  Susan  ;  fur  from  it," 
says  I,  "though  you  may  need  it  bad  enough. 
But  when  I  found  out  you  looked  so  much  like 
me,  I  felt  kinder  interested  and  sorry  for  you, 


180  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID. 

and  jest  called  round  to  see  if  I  couldn't  dew 
somethin'to  help  you." 

"  Respectable  folks  ain't  in  the  habit  o'  callin' 
on  thieves,"  says  she,  lookin'  at  me  sharp  and 
suspicious.  "Ain't  you  'fraid  I'll  pick  your 
pocket  'fore  you  git  out,  now  ? " 

I  clapped  my  hand  to  my  pocket  quick's  a 
wink  ;  then  I  was  shamed  o'  myself  and  my  face 
turned  blazin'  red. 

"  Forgive  me,  Susan,"  says  I,  "  I  did  it  'fore  I 
thought." 

She  laughed  and  shrugged  up  her  shoulders. 

"  I  never  steal  from  anybody  but  rich  folks," 
says  she. 

"  But  is  it  pleasant  business  ?  It's  so  awful  resky, 
I  don't  see  how  you  can  enjoy  it,"  says  I.  "  I 
should  want  to  know  where  I  was  goin'  to  sleep 
nights  at  least." 

She  laughed  agin.  "  It's  prof'terble  some- 
times," she  says,  "  and  then,  it's  vittles  and  drink 
to  me  to  steal  from  the  rich  folks,  I  hate  'em  so  !  " 
And  she  looked  so  fierce  I  said  to  myself  I  hope 
to  massy  I  never  looked  like  that.  I  hove  a  sigh, 
I  couldn't  help  it. 

"  Wall,"  says  I,  "  pretty  likely  you  know  what's 
right  and  what's  wrong's  well's  I  do.  Mebby  you 
went  to  church  and  read  your  Bible  when  you 
was  a  gal  to  home  with  your  mar  ?" 

"  Oh,  yes  ;  you  needn't  mention  them  things," 
says  she,  kinder  off  hand. 

"  Susan,"  says  I,  finally,  "  have  you  got  any 
family  ?  "  I  see  a  change  come  over  her  face  in 
a  minnit.  Her  lips  begun  to  work,  and  she 
looked  as  if  she  was  goin'  to  cry.  "  Because,"  I 


ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLD  MAID.  l8l 

continnered,   "  if  you  have,  mebby   I    could  do 
somethin'  for  'em  or  take  some  message  to  'em.'' 

o 

"  I've  only  got  a  little  boy,"  says  she.  "  He 
goes  round  the  streets  all  day  playin'  his  violin.  I 
s'pose  he's  at  it  now,  and  he  don't  know  I'm  shet 
up,  so  he'll  go  home  to-nignt,  and  when  he  don't 
find  his  mammy,  he'll  take  on  and  grieve  and 
break  his  little  heart !  "  Then  she  began  to  rock 
herself  back'ards  and  f  or'ards  and  sob  and  cry  and 
take  on  bitter. 

"  He's  all  I've  got  in  the  world,"  she  said,  "  and 
I'd  give  every  drop  o'  blood  in  my  body  for  him. 
But  he'll  grieve  for  his  mammy — he'll  grieve  for 
his  mammy  ! " 

I  went  up  to  her  with  the  tears  streamin'  down 
my  cheeks.  "  Tell  me  where  to  find  him,"  says  I, 
"  and  I'll  look  after  him  a  little,  iind  perhaps  I  can 
bring  him  to  see  you." 

She  riz  up  then  and  grabbed  my  hand,  and 
kissed  it  and  pressed  it  to  her  heart,  but  she  never 
spoke  a  word. 

"  Mebby,"  says  I,  "  for  his  sake,  you'll  be 
willin'  to  think  'bout — 'bout  goin1  into  some  other 
business.  Wouldn't  it  be  better  for  the  boy  ? 
Try  to  think  on't." 

She  told  me  where  to  find  the  child — Julian 
Finnet  was  his  name — and  I  went  away. 

Wall,  I  thought  I  wouldn'  trouble  the  folks 
this  time,  so  I  never  said  a  word,  but  went  alone 
and  hunted  up  the  little  violin-player.  He  was 
as  pretty  a  boy  as  I  ever  set  eyes  on.  He  seemed 
to  be  a  good  boy,  too,  and  the  neighbors  all  spoke 
well  on  him.  He  was  most  distracted  'bout  his 
'  mammy  " — as  he  called  her — and  it  was  a  good 


1 82  ADVENTURES  OF  AN  OLE  MAID. 

while  'fore  I  could  do  anything  with  him. 
Finally  I  got  him  to  play  for  me,  and  the  music 
seemed  to  carm  him  more  than  anything  else.  I 
ain't  no  judge  o'  music,  but  it  did  seem  to  me  as 
if  there  was  somethin'  oncommon  about  the 
child's  playin',  and  I  meant  to  find  out  if  I  was 
right. 

Now  what  do  you  think  I  did  ?  I  went  over 
to  that  big  store  and  called  on  Mister  Flood. 

"  Mister  Flood,"  says  I,  "  I  knew  you  was  a 
good  man,  the  minnit  I  set  eyes  on  ye,  and  I 
hear  that  you  do  a  great  deal  for  your  feller  bein's 
one  way  n'another.  Now  I  believe  here's  a 
chance,  and  I've  took  the  liberty  to  come  and  tell 
you  about  it.  Then  I  told  him  how  I  visited 
•'  Simple  Susan,"  and  how  I  believed  there  was 
good  in  her  that  we  could  git  at  through  her  lit- 
tle boy.  I  asked  him  to  hear  him  play,  and  do 
somethin'  for  him,  if  he  thought  best. 

Wall,  the  upshot  on't  was,  Mister  Flood  dis- 
kivered  that  the  boy  was  a  genyus,  and  he  got  him 
a  teacher  and  took  care  on  him  while  his  mother 
was  in  the  lobby.  And  he  was  sech  a  good  little 
feller,  and  so  interestin'  that  Mister  Flood  got  real 
'tached  to  him,  and  the  boy  fairly  worshipped 
him. 

They  managed  to  git  the  mother  off,  so  she 
didn't  have  to  go  to  jail,  and  when  she  found  out 
all  that  had  been  done  for  Julian,  and  who  done 
it  she  seemed  all  made  over  new.  'T  any  rate  the 
last  I  heard  from  her  she  was  livin'  an  honest 
life,  and  her  boy  was  playin'  at  concerts  for  good 
prices. 

One  thing  more  and  I  am  done.     The  mornrn' 


ADVENTURES  OP  AN  OLD  MAID.  183 

me  and  Mister  Hawkins  started  to  come  back 
East,  little  Julian  come  over  and  brought  a  box 
from  Mister  Flood,  sayin'  it  was  a  weddiri  present. 
and  I  mustn't  cpen  it  till  I  got  home.  When  I 
did  open  it,  I  found  a  harnsome  lace  shawl  and  a 
btt  V  laces  for  my  neck  and  sleeves.  And  inside 
on  the  kiver  was  writ  the  giver's  name  and  "God 
Bless  Aunt  Rutk" 


Llsl  of  Bowks   in    THE!    FAVOfBITIC    EDITION. 
wltU  this  Book,     Sold  by  all  Dealers. 


Uniform 


No. 

1.  At  War  with  Herself.  DoraThorne. 

2.  Allan  Quarter-main.    Haggard.  , 

3.  At  Bay.    Alexander.          [Albufns. 

4.  Album     Verses     for     Autograph 

5.  Adventures  of  an  Old  Maid.  Greene. 

6.  Adventures  of  a  Bashful  Irishman. 

7.  As  in  a  Looking-Glass.    Philips. 

8.  Bound  by  a  Spell.    Conway. 

9.  15y  Woman's  Wit.    Mrs.  Alexander. 

10.  Beaton's  Bargain.  Mrs.  Alexander. 

11.  Battle  for  Bread.    Talmage. 

12.  Broken  Heart,  A.    Dora  Thorne. 

13.  Bad  Boy  at  Home,  The.    Gray. 

14.  Bad  Boy  Abroad,  The.    Gray. 

15.  Bad  Boy  and  his  Sister. 

16.  Buffalo  Bill.    Ned  Buntline. 

IT.  Brother  against  Brother.    Musick. 

18.  Beyond  Pardon.    Dora  Thorne. 

19.  Bright  Wedding  Day.  DoraThorne. 

20.  Broken  Wedding  Ring. 

21.  Crimson  Stain.    Bradshaw. 

22.  Bede's  Charity.    Stretton. 

23.  Called  Back.    Conway. 

24.  Circumstantial  Evidence.  Conway. 

25.  Cardinal  Sin.  A.    Conway. 

20.  Cobwebs  and  Cables.    Stretton. 

27.  Dark  Days.    Conway. 

28.  Dawn.    Haggard. 

29.  Duchess,  The.    '•  The  Duchess." 

30.  Dr.  Jekyll  and  Mr.  Hyde. 

31.  Detective  Trio,  The.    Taylor. 

32.  Dark  Marriage  Morn,  A. 

33.  Dora  Thorue.    Brame. 

34.  Drops  of  Blood.    Curry. 

35.  Donald  Dyke,  the  Detective. 

3(5.  Dangerous  Marriage,  A.  Fothergill. 

37.  Eureka  Recitations.    1st  Series. 

38.  Eureka  Recitations.    2d  Series. 

39.  East  Lynne.    Wood. 

40.  Ed.  Sommers.  the  Detective. 

41.  False  Vow,  The.    DoraThorne. 

42.  File  No.  115.    A  Detective  Story. 

43.  From  Out  the  Gloom. 

44   Fatal  Wedding,  A.    DoraThorne. 

45.  Fallen  Idol.  A.    Anstey. 

46.  Family  Affair.  A.    Conway. 

47.  Fun  for  All.    Greenway. 

48.  Good  News.    By  Jones  and  Small. 
49    Gipsv  Blair,  the  Detective. 

50.  Garfleld,  Life  and  Death  of  J.  A. 

51.  Guilty  River.  A.    Collins. 

52.  Hilda 's  Lover.    Dora  Thorne. 

53.  House  Party.    "Ouida." 

54.  Harry  Pinkerton,  the  Detective. 

55.  Her  Martyrdom.    Dora  Thorue. 
66.  Her  Marriage  Vow.    Dora  Thorne. 

57.  Her  Second  Love.    DoraThorne. 

58.  Haunted  Chamber.  "The  Duchess. ' ' 
69.  History  of  the  TJ.  S.    Childs. 

60.  Hand-Book  of  Information.          ' 

61.  In  Thraldom.    Mead. 

62.  In  Prison  and  Out.     Stretton. 

63.  Joyful  Tidings.     Jones  and  Small. 

64.  Jess.    Haggard. 


No. 

65.  Janet's  Repentance.    Eliot. 

66.  King  Solomon's  Mines.    Haggard 

67.  Lady  Valworth's  Diamonds. 
6S.  Lost  and  Found.    Elmore. 

69.  Love's  Conflict.     Dora  Thorn* 

70.  Luke  Darby,  the  Detective. 

71.  Lord's  Purse-Bearer,  The. 

72.  Living  or  Dead.    Conway. 

73.  Mental  Struggle,  A 

74.  Mrs.  Hopkins  on  Her  Travels. 

75.  Mohawks.     Braddon. 

76.  Miss  Jones'  Quilting. 

77.  Merry  Men,  The.    Stevenson. 

78.  Me;  A  companion  to  "She. 

79.  Missing  Will,  The.    Conway. 

80.  Married  in  Haste.    Dora  Thorne. 

81.  Midnight  Marriage.    Holmes. 

82.  Macon     Moore,      the     Southern 

Detective, 

83.  Modern  Circe,  A.  "The Duchess." 

84.  Mrs.  Rasher's  Curtain  Lectures. 

85.  Not  Forsaken .    Giberne. 

86.  Nellie,  the  Clockmaker 's  Daughter 

87.  Nancy  Hartshorn  at  Chautauqua, 

88.  Ned  Bachman,  the  New  Orleans 

Detective. 

89.  Ogilvie's  Popular  Recitations. 

90.  Only  a  Woman's  Heart.    Young. 

91.  One  against  Many.    DoraThorae. 

92.  Ostler  Joe  and  other  Recitations. 

93.  One  Thousand  Popular  Quotations 

94.  Phil  Scott,  the  Detective. 

95.  Pomfret  Mystery,  The 

96.  People's  Etiquette  Book.  The. 

97.  People's  Cook  Book.  The. 

98.  Paradise  Almost  Lost.    Shaw. 

99.  Perdita.     Ella  Wheeler  Wileox. 

100.  Repented  at  Leisure. 

101.  Slings  and  Arrows.    Conway. 

102.  Story  of  a  Sculptor.    COP  way. 

103.  Secrets  of  Success.    Dcnovaa. 

104.  "She."    Haggard. 

105.  Sunshine  and  Roses. 

106.  Seven  Days  in  a  Pullman  Car. 

107.  Sheer  Off.     A.  L.  O.  E 

108.  Sketches  from  "Texas  Siftinjrs." 

109.  Shadowed  by  a  Detective 

110.  Ten  Days  with  D.  L.  Mwxly. 

111.  Tale  of  Three  Lions,  A.    Haggard. 

112.  Thorns  and  Orange  Blossoms. 

113.  Two  Thousand  Funny  Things. 

114.  Twelve  Complete  Stories 

115.  Three   Thousand   Things    Worth 

Knowing.  [.headings 

116.  Two    Hundred    Recitations    an« 

117.  Vice  Versa.     Anstey. 

118.  Witch's  Head,  The.    Haggard. 

119.  Wedding  Ring,  The.    Taomage. 

120.  Wife's  Honor,  A .    Young1. 

121.  Woman's  Vengeance,  A.   Holmes.l 

122.  Woman  Against  Woman.       " 

123.  Wedded  and  Parted. 

124.  Wife  in  Name  Only. 

136.  Woman's  Temptation,  A 


FAVORITE    EDITION— Continued. 


No. 

128.  Woman:  Her  Power  and  Privi- 
leges. 

127.  Natural  Law  in  the  Spiritual 
World. 

1-28.  David  Copperfield. 

130.  Mona's  Choice. 

131.  Cell  13. 

13'3.  A  Life  Interest. 

133.  For  His  Brother's  Sake. 

134.  A  Woman's  Face. 

135.  A  Young  Vagabond. 

136.  Mr.  Meeson's  Will. 

137.  The  Lamplighter, 
im  Under-Currents. 

139.  Miss  Bretherton. 

140.  The  World  of  Cant. 

HI.  Doctor  Glenuie's  Daughter. 
142.  Tom    Brown's    School   Days   at 
Rugby. 

144.  Grimm's  Fairy  Tales. 

145.  Tour  of  the  WorM  hi  80  Days. 
1 1»5.  20,000  Leagues  Under  the  Sea. 

147.  Gulliver's  Travels. 

148.  Pilgrim's  Progress.  Illustrated. 

149.  The  Swiss  Family  Robinson. 

150.  Robinson  Crusoe. 

151.  .Esop's  Fables,  100  Illustrations. 

152.  Hans  Andersen's  Fairy  Tales,  150 

Illustrations. 

153.  The  Arabian  Nights'  Entertain- 

ments. 

154.  Thrown  on  the  World. 
1~>5.  Two  Fair  Women. 

156.  A  Heart's  Idol. 

157.  The  Duke's  Secret. 

158.  One  Hundred  Prize  Dinners. 

159.  Adventures  of  Miss  Volney. 

160.  A  Close  Call. 

161.  A  Double  Love. 

162.  Mysterv  of  a  Hansom  Cab. 
1C3.  Playing  with  Fire. 

104.  Mr.  Perkins  of  New  Jersey. 


No. 

165.  Madame  Midas. 

166.  A  Millionaire's  Folly. 

167.  The  Trail  of  the  Barrow. 

168.  Fifteen  Detective  Stories. 

169.  Ivanhoe. 

170.  Robert  Elsmere. 

172.  The  Story  of  an  African  Farm. 

174.  From  Farm  Boy  to  f>enator. 

175.  Cleopatra. 

176.  Child's  History  of  England. 

177.  Last  Days  of  Pompeii. 

178.  A  Crooked  Path. 

179.  Thaddeus  of  Warsaw. 

180.  From  the  Earth  to  the  Moon. 

181.  One  False  Step. 

186.  The  Council  of  Ten. 

193.  A  Strange  Secret. 

196.  Ivan  the  Serf. 

182.  A  Life's  Remorse. 

184.  Allan's  Wife. 
188.  Beatrice. 

185.  The  Master  of  Ballantrae. 

183.  Topsy  Turvy. 

187.  A  Hardy  Norseman. 
IS!).  A  Babe  in  Bohemia. 

190.  The  Unpardonable  Sin. 

191.  The  Tents  of  sin-m. 
102.  Marked  for  a  Victim. 

194.  Patience  Pettigrew's  Perplexities. 

195.  Blind  Love. 

197.  Izma. 

198.  A  Missing  Husband. 

199.  Hoyle's  Games. 

200.  Stanley:  His  Relief  of  Emin  Pasha. 

201.  Donovan. 

202.  We  Two. 

2(U.  A  Knight  of  Faith. 

206.  One  of  the  Forty. 

207.  Shenandoah. 

208.  The  Pleasures  of  Life. 

209.  Black  Beauty. 

210.  Col.  Quaritch. 


